Taking Young Children to Funeral?

I think it is important to teach children about life and death early, you neer know what may happen. I always took my daughters when they were younger. My youngest did go through a little adjustment after her great aunt's wake. She did not let me out of her sight for a few days. Then when she was in first grade a close friend of hers past away suddenly. I am so glad that she had already had some experince with death. It was very hard but I feel it was helpful that she had already been to some wakes and knew what to expect.

I suggest not. I don't agree with under 10 or 12 at a funeral. It's long and it can be "scary", especially as they're just starting to question the world.

3 and 4 1/2 year old are pretty active. I can see the 4.5 yr old being quiet not a 3 yr old. A funeral is a solemn occasion and time of grief, and kids tend to run and play.
I would not recommend taking the kids at such a young age, and at that age they don't know what death is.

I just took my 16 month old to my grandmother's funeral out of state last October. I didn't want to leave both our boys with my husband for those days, (and we couldn't all afford to fly to AZ) although I would have been glad to bring my 3 year old to the service as well. My cousin also brought his 1 and 2 1/2 year olds to the funeral, and kept them happy with lots of snacks. My son cried at one point and I just walked away from the service (but it ended up not helping because the place was so echoey! But in the end people understood). I agree with the other poster that there's something nice about having a new generation present as an older one passes; it gives hope in the future, and kids bring a nice perspective and presence in general (if they're well-behaved, I guess)! It might depend on what kind of service it will be; ours was a memorial service at a mausoleum so it wasn't as formal as, say, a Catholic or other denomination's service might be.
I think your 4-year old might benefit from saying good-bye to your great-grandmother and seeing the reality of death; kids are surprisingly good at handling things that may be more difficult for adults and learning so much from the experience.
Best wishes in your decision!

I just went though this in early February. My grandmother (whom I was very close to) lost her battle with cancer and I had a 23 month old at the time. We decided (with my mother's blessing since it was her mother) that she needed to be there too. My husband took our daughter to the back of the room during the service and quietly read to her, played with quiet toys, gave her a snack, etc. At the luncheon afterward she made people smile and laugh. My grandmother also loved children and it was very fitting that my daughter (the youngest of 28 great-grandchildren) was in attendance. I think there is not a "rule" to follow. You must decide what is best for your family. In our case, there was no question that my daughter belonged at the service.

I understand you're situation - last year my FIL passed away and we had a 4.5 and 2.5 yr old. We all were a the church the night before for a viewing and the kids were allowed to roam around an explore. The day of the funeral they knew they would have to sit and be quiet (we brought lots of books & crayons and the church had a bag of things for them). My 2.5 yr old had a hard time sitting still but my 4.5 yr old was fine. My 4.5 yr old had a lot of questions but we tried to answer them as simply as possible. We told he ahead of time that people would be sad and crying, that it was ok to cry, that Papaw (southern term for Grandpa) would be up in heaven. I will say that we were very hesitant to bring the kids to the funeral but in the end glad we did. They provided the "comic relief" that everyone needed and my MIL was able to focus on showing off her grandchildren to all her friends. Now a little over a year later, my 4.5 yr old remembers Papaw being in a box and how my 2.5 yr old picked up the microphone and started singing at the viewing. Neither seemed horribly affected at all. Good luck!

Hi....Just thought I would share my view....I wouldn't bring the kids as I think kids these days are burdened too much with "adult" issues/ problems/ situations....they grow up too fast& at their age they don't need to deal with funerals yet.....just my opinion....Sorry for your loss.

My mother passed away a month ago and my daughter was very close with her. We did take her to the wake with us and there were several other children there (she is 4 too). For the most part she was fine. Just played and talked with family. Towards the end she did have a little breakdown about Grandma goin g to heaven but I think part of that was her being overtired. I don't know your beliefs but I always felt you should be honest in a way a 4 yr old can understand. We explained she wasnt coming back and the angels came and took her and the casket was the bed they made for her. Things like that. My daughter is good now and loves to talk about grandma and tells people about grandma going to heaven. I think it is good for her to be able to talk about her. Hopw this kind of helps.

My condolences.

My daughter is 22 months old & has already been to 3 funerals. However, if she had siblings, I may have reconsidered, since I'd have to 'corral' more than just one.

My personal opinion, with a four year old, is that it just kind of depends on the child. I don't know if that will help you make your decision or not.

Definitely bring them!!!
It is part of life?
My Dad felt that I didn't need to go to funerals when I was a kid- wish I had been able to - even when I was young-
If it would help you, bring a sitter or friend to help with the kids.
Are you thinking of sheltering your son? Believe me, you would not be doing him any favors. This is the perfect opportunity to help him understand his world in the big world- Check out this book http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0979792606?ie=UTF8&t...
Sorry for your loss

I've taken my kids to both out of necessity, but most of the time at the wake they were in the little room and some of them never saw the coffin. I did bring a portable dvd player so they could watch a movie or two in the room and other relatives took turns sitting back there with them. I did get a sitter one time so I could go by myself.

Besides the issue of your son seeing the body in the casket, you have to think about what he is going to do there. Will anyone help you with them or will it just be you? Do you get time to talk to people and visit or will you be watching him the whole time? How stressful will it be? How close was he to her?

I don't see family often, so I would probably not take him and just get the sitter. If they are in the area and there is something afterwards at someone's house, I would take him there to see the relatives.

M.

I took my youngest daughter to my grandmother's funeral because we lived out-of-state and I didn't have anyone to take care of her. She had just turned 3. I was very surprised when she mentioned the experience last year - she is now 12! It definitely left a lasting memory, although not negative.

When my dad died, my girls were just turned 7, and almost 4. I took them to the wake, but did not take them to the funeral. Now mostly because I knew I was going to be a total wreck, and because my husband's sister had flown out to help take care of them throughought the whole time. They knew Grandpa was ill and we talked about the fact he was not going to get better prior to his passing.

At the wake, they were given the angel pins and they each got a cross to hold. They wanted to approach the casket, and did so several times throughout the wake. At the end of the evening before my SIL took them home to bed my 7 yr. old even kissed my dad goodbye. After the funeral, my SIL met us at the cemetery and we did a balloon release with all the kids and then we did take them to the luncheon.

It can be a long day, so I would suggest taking quiet activities, and if it is at all possible maybe have someone be available to take the kids home if needed; providing you are planning to stay for the whole duration. Aside from the "kitchen" area the funeral home had another private room down the hall and it had a tv and the kids watched tv and colored in there. Just be ready to remove them from the actual viewing room during any prayer services, etc.

I personally feel it was a good decision on our part to involve them. You know your children best, do what you feel is right for your family. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Hi J.,
My husband and I just went thru this when his Great-Grandmother passed away two weeks ago. We both feel that it is not a place for children (ours are 10, 8 & 3). We feel that they can't process what is going on, from the casket to everyone's emotions, and don't need to be put in that situation. We do feel it is important to tell them what happended (she passed away and now is in heaven so we wont be able to see her again), that it is okay to be sad and talk about what you are feeling. With that being said we did get ALOT of static from his mother!
I guess my advice would be to go with your gut and do what you think your children can handle, NOT what will make your relatives happy. I'm sorry for your loss, your family will be in my thoughts!

Hi J.,

I had that problem a few years ago. When my husband's uncle died two years ago, I had a 6 and 4 year old. When my youngest son asked me if uncle Vince is a zombie now (Thanks to Scooby-Doo cartoons) I decided not to take the 4 year old, because I did not want to upset people if he asked the question at the funeral. I did take my 6 year old though and he was really good. He got to say his good-byes and he learned about death. Last year both of my grandmothers died and decided to take both of my kids who are now 8 and 6. Again, they both were really good. They both got to say their good-byes and again learned about death. So, I would say 6 and 5 year olds would better understand what's happening, but be prepared for a lot of questions, and explain to everyone (who is listening) that this is their 1st funeral. With the 1 and 3 year old, I think they would be running around and become very bored easily and it would be hard for you and your husband to talk to people. I think the almost 5 year old would be okay.

Both of my grandfathers died earlier this year, and I had a newborn, a 2-year-old, and a 4-yer-old. I didn't think twice about taking them because it was helpful to have them there for my grandmothers and the rest of the family.

I'd definitely take along some toys/busy items for the kids. I wished that I had sat us nearer an outside aisle so I could quietly exit if necessary w/ one of some of the kids, and also see if you can bring a helper (babysitter) or designate someone in the family to help of you need help close by. I had to speak at one of the services, and although my aunt held the baby, my husband needed some help w/ the 2-year-old and 4-year-old in the pews. If I had to do it again, I'd definitely take them again. I think it is so important to talk with your children about these things. Someone mentioned it being scary to children - I think it is more scary if they don't have honest answers and if the parents fail to give the kids an ability to thoughtfully discuss what has happened. (sort of like going to the doctor or dentist - play it up not something to be afraid of, help them understand what to expect, and they will be ok). We told them we were celebrating the life, not the death, and that we'd see them in heaven later - how exciting!

Take them for sure. It's good for them to go through the process for someone who is not really close to them.

My kids were able to go to a couple wakes for people they hardly knew. When their Grandpa died, at least they knew what to expect.

Yes, Always bring kids to family wakes/funerals no matter what the age. It is not only good for the kids to understand life and death, but it helps the greeving family smile to see beautiful little faces. Bring a favorite toy coloring book, most funeral homes have a snack room or kids areas, or even just a sitting area (away from the cascut room) where you can sit with them when not paying your respects. In my family we sometimes only see the cousins etc at weddings and funerals. For mass we just sit in the back or if it is my family, my husband will take the youngest to the back so I can be closer to family.
Sory for your loss. Best wishes and god bless!

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss, it's a tough thing to deal with and even tougher when you have to decide what to do with the kids.

My grandmother passed away when my daughter was about 3 and my son 4. I took them to them to the visitation, it was a little less formal, and i could take time to explain to them what was going on. I did not take them to the funeral because I felt they wouldn't sit still through enough of it and may be disruptive to others around them. My daughter really doesn't remember it, my son does but it did not have an adverse affect on him in anyway, they had both seen various movies where people died, (ie star wars) and the only thing my daughter really said in comparison to what she had seen on TV was "mommy we don't burn people who die..we put them in big baby cribs". I think you should choose for yourself, but just remember that its' not your kids, it's others around you, and if you choose to take them, you might check ahead and see if there is a quiet room you can take the kids to if they are fidgety or a little disruptive, after all, we cant' really expect them to be still and quiet for an hour at that age, it's just not in them.

This happened to us about 2 years ago. It was very stressful, but once we decided we felt really good about it. We had a 4 and 6 year old at the time. We did not bring them to the funeral, but had them come to the "gathering" at the house afterwards. My sister in law did the opposite and her kids were a wreck. They kept talking about papa in the box and they should go get him. They associated church with his death and cried at church for months. A lot of people gave me a hard time, but my kids don't need to say goodbye to a body,but to a person. We said goodbye with pictures and drawings that were placed in his coffin. Good luck!

Personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with it, as long as your children can behave appropriately. Whenever we have gone to funerals, having children there help to lighten the mood, and reminds everyone of the whole "circle of life" thing. And since, I'm assuming she died of natural causes, and is not a tragic young death, this shouldn't offend others. Just bring along quiet toys, and snacks to keep them occupied, and try to sit near the door, in case you need to go to the lobby if they get antsy. As for the whole death thing, with children that age, I've never brought my children up to view the body, and they've never even really noticed... Hope this helps!

I vote along with those who say take them. It's a part of life, and it's family. Funerals for me as a kid were family gatherings and even though it was sad, it was a time to see people and share memories with family members. My two daughters have gone to quite a few family funerals (great grandparents, grandparents, etc.) You can't shelter them from this reality. They would have felt very left out had they not been there to share with their cousins.
My condolences on your loss.

My kids were 4 and 6 when my sister law passed and I didnt want them to go to the funeral. For one it was open, and i just didnt want them to see that. For my fathers funeral of course i took them but I went to the store and bought them new activity books and stuff to keep busy. They mainly stayed in the room with the food and surprisingly they were really good.

So sorry for your loss.
My husband passed away in July. At the time our boys were 3y & 5y. They touched the body, stood by the casket and asked lots of questions. Then their friends & cousins took them to the play area. Believe it or not, some funeral homes have children's rooms with TV, lots of toys and a place to draw. Perhaps you can find out before you go if the funeral home you are attending has this.
Have you told them that Great Grandma passed away yet? At this age I would explain a little about what happens when people die and then ASK him if he wants to go. Since you have someone to watch the baby, couldn't they all stay home?
The 4.5 year old however, will most likely be curious and want to go so make sure you tell him GreatGrandma will NOT look the same as when she was alive. Its hard for grownups to see the change, imagine from the childs point of view!
Good Luck
B.

So sorry for your loss! We just went through this last month with my grandmother. She lived next door with my parents, so my 3 year old saw her daily. He came to the visitation with his babysitter. He was only going to stay an hour, but ended up with us until we left (so a total of 3 hours or so) because he was having fun talking with relatives, friends, etc.

The day of the funeral, he met us with his babysitter at the church (he attends each Sunday and behaves very well). They left to buy a balloon (while we were at the cemetary) and he met up with us again for lunch. We told him we were celebrating Nana's life (thus the reason for the giant Mickey Mouse balloon - his choice).

He had some questions, but did really well!

I'd say it depends on your children. I'm all in favor of bringing them, but it would definitely be nice to have someone else around (like our babysitter) in case you're needed elsewhere or are too emotional. Good luck and again, my thoughts are with your family!

I have been in this position twice, once for a grandpa and once for a young cousin. I felt it was very important that these people did not just disappear from my kids lives (2 and 4 at the time). My pediatrician confirmed how important it was for kids to understand the cycle of life. I explained to my girls what had happend to grandpa and their cousin and how the services would go and how important it was to be respectful. The girls were prepared and did very well, but I did bring snacks and coloring books so I could remove them to another, more familiar activity when necessary.

It all depends on your family. My family has a lot of kids so when my cousin died I brought my seven month old son. There were other kids there and he was well behaved even though he was learning to walk and didn't sit still alot. When my grandpa died before that all the kids came. For kids a funeral doesn't have to be a bad experience. I actually remember some of these funerals very fondly because we had a good time seeing people we haven't in a while and sharing memories of the person that has passed. If the family is more conservative and doesn't allow room for kids to be kids and be curious or uninterested at the same time then you may want to rethink it. Or if you have a particularly long service where the kids would have to sit still and silent for a long time. I have always brought my kids and as a child I was always brought to funerals. I hope this helps.

I used to work at a funeral home. I would highly recommend taking your children. The other mommies were right on the mark. It's good for kids to be a part of the funeral process. I've written a couple of articles on the subject. You can read them at: Children and Funerals
http://ezinearticles.com/?Children-and-Funerals&id=17...
Talking to Kids when Someone they Love Dies.
http://ezinearticles.com/?Talking-to-Kids-When-Someone-Th...

I've taken my kids at young ages to wakes and funerals. I think it depends on how well the person is known. Your children may be a comfort to you and your husband or because of the long day, they could be a handful too. Will you be going to the dinner, too? People will enjoy seeing them, I'm sure. The only concern that I see are the questions that your children may have about dying and your answers. Just be armed with those good answers in the event they start asking questions. You may even want to do something in Grandma's honor, like plant a tree, flower bed or add a plaque in your garden. Even releasing a few helium balloons are nice and kid-friendly, happy moments.

So sorry for your loss. Good luck with the arrangements.

My sympathies to you and your family on your loss. Two weeks ago, I had a similar situation but had no choice but to bring my almost-3-year-old twins to both the visitation and the memorial service. A family funeral out of town meant that I had to travel 8+ hours each way without my husband, who had to stay home for work. We've been very open with our kids about death. We've explained that people go to Heaven when they die. Thankfully, they've both comprehended the idea as much as a 2+ year old can. They know of certain people who have already gone to Heaven, including a Grandfather who passed over 20 years ago. We had also just watched Charlotte's Web and when Charlotte died, the kids were upset so I explained that she went to Heaven too (to make it understadable to a toddler). Make sure you explain what has happened to ther Great Grandma as much as you can (in terms to what they can understand). As far as taking your child(ren) to visitations and/or funerals, you know your child best. If you already take them to church, can they sit during the service? That's a good indicator as to how they would be. Since I knew I'd be taking my kids alone to our events, I packed a goodie bag loaded with books, quiet toys and treats. It worked great.
Good luck!