Some years ago (12 or 13), my mother gave me her china set. She had two other sets from her mother, so she decided to give me hers. I'm not much of a china kind of person, but it's a 16 place setting and I figured it might come in handy at some point. it has every serving plate and bowl you could ever ask for. it's a great set. I never use it, but that's mostly because I'm in a small house and it has to be in storage. When we move, I would probably put it in the kitchen for use.
In any case, in a few weeks, I'm throwing a dinner party for a friend and I invited my parents. I don't have enough kitchen plates (they keep getting broken), so my mom mentioned the china set and said I should use it. She then said, "wait, I can't find any everyday dishes I like, maybe I'll take those back for a while until I find something I like." A few minutes later, she then said, "yes, i do want those back."
I don't really care about the dishes, but there is a part of me that feels weird about this. My mom has this thing where her things are hers always, even if she gives them to you. You see, when my brother got married and left the nest, my parents gave him his bedroom furniture set. When I asked for my furniture, I got one dresser, and not the doll case and the other dresser because she needed them for her guest room. Another decade later, I asked again for my furniture. At this point, my mom rewrote history and told me that the doll case is hers, even though she has her own damn doll case in her bedroom. It was part of my bedroom set.
In any case, when my mom asked for the china set, it of course brought up the pain I feel over her not letting me have my furniture set. It also brings up all the pain in how differently she has always treated my brother.
Do I bring any of this up to my mom or do I just tell her she can have the set after I use it for the dinner party? At this point, however, I'm thinking I don't want my parents to even come to the dinner party because I would like to just use my everyday set and I don't have enough plates! She suggested I use thick plastic plates! I can either use the china set or go buy two new kitchen sets.
It's amazing how a simple set of china can contain so much of the pain of my childhood. ;-) All i know is that we will be moving soon, and I will want my furniture.
As a general question, if someone gives you something, it is now yours or is it still theirs? I've had these dishes for 13 years or so.
My mother told me when I went to college that I could have my bedroom furniture when I was done with college and settled, that she'd hold onto it for me. Yes, she told me it was mine.
Giant thanks to momtocamera. I do pick peace. I will return her dishes to her today, and order some new ones for the kitchen. When she goes to return them, I will just tell her that's "it's OK," I have enough plates now. I will be keeping the gravy bowl, however, because I do use that all the time.
I wouldn't accept anything of hers anymore, if this is the way she is, J.. If I were you, I'd tell her the next time she wants to pawn something off on you.
I know this doesn't sound nice, but you shouldn't have to deal with this kind of thing.
Well, I would say the china now belongs to you. However, I would not hold on to a material item if someone decided they wanted it back. For me, it would be kept in vain at that point.
I think the most healthy thing for you to do is let go of the material items. Don't accept them. When she offers, tell her no thank you and move on. I think you will find that your mother has learned how to manipulate a situation with material goods. It is likely, once you refuse, she will demand that you take your stuff she gave you.
If it were me...don't fight it. If she offers the china back, tell her you are fine. If she has them out when you go to her house, tell her you have plenty, if she insists, ask her to keep them because you don't have proper storage.
I hold on to things for their sentimental value, but that is the best thing for siblings to fight over. It is hurtful. Choose peace over the material things in life.
I would give it back, but not until after the dinner party. A simple, "I need to use them for the dinner party, but they're all yours after that" means that both of your needs are met. Don't ask for or expect them back again once you've given them to her, and if she tries to give them to you again once she gets another set of dishes, graciously refuse.
I'd let go of the idea of getting anything from her permanently. Anything she gives to you is on loan. If you want to keep something permanently, buy it yourself from someone else.
I have known a few moms like this. My MIL is one of them.. Very odd.. Her parents were not like this..
I never have understood how a parent can tell their children something and then, lie about it later.
Or give a rule and then take it back later.
Or make a promise like this and demand to have it all changed at their whims.
When my mother says you can have... she means it. If she says, I do not have room for this, could you use it, but I will want to borrow it back, I then know what the deal is. She then will accept my yes or no, not as a slight or as judgement, but just as my honest answer.
But people/parents playing these games is exhausting, controlling and passive aggressive. I do not care if it is your parent, it does not feel good or ok to be treated this way by them.
I honestly would give it all back to her and purchase your own gravy boat so there is no reminders.. And in the future, you decide, is she trust worthy or not. I would not trust her again.
FYI, I know a ton of parents that tell their children they can have their furniture when they leave the home.. And Gasp! They mean it AND follow through..
Give the china back to her BEFORE the party and go get yourself some new dishes that are REALLY, TRULY yours!
And in the future (for your own peace of mind) don't take anything else from her--ever.
When I give someone something? It's theirs. I relinquish a rights to it.
I can't stand when families are like that. Passing things on & around? Sure. But I'm not a curator!
aw, sorry, sweetie.
they ARE your dishes. maybe you can rewrite your mother's script a little, and tell her 'i like *my* china, but it's true i don't often have the opportunity to use it, and it's stored most of the time. i'm going to enjoy using *my* china for this party. after that, since you love *my* china so much, i'll make a gift of it to you.'
nobody can wound you just in the right spot like family.
:( khairete
S.
How about "I will trade one china set for one doll case and one dresser"? :)
Well I agree with you that it's uncool that she gave you the china and is now asking for it back.
But the furniture? Unless you paid for it, it's hers. Again, uncool that she gave your brother "his" furniture but decided to keep "yours" but it really is hers to do with as she wants. I have two kids in college and I will probably let them take most of their bedroom stuff eventually but there are at least two pieces I am for sure going to keep.
As far as talking to her about all of this, and how it makes you feel, I guess you need to decide whether or not it will be worth it in the end. Do you think some good will come of it? Or will she just get offended and pissy? Not knowing your mom or the dynamics of your relationship it's hard for me to say.
A. You're not using the dishes. What do you care?
B. What is a "doll case"?
C. When I was a child, my parents bought me bedroom furniture. Actually, they bought their children furniture, and being the youngest, it was passed down to me. Never would I have presumed to take it with me. They paid for it, I didn't, and besides, I wanted to buy more modern things, even if that meant just having a mattress on the floor, which I did.
Generally, when someone gives you something, it's yours. But when it comes to family, it very commonly goes from house to house in my family, and if you didn't pay for it or you're not using it, I say give it back.
ETA: By the way, she only has any power in this situation with you because you give it to her.
We are not guaranteed, as children, that we can take furniture from our childhood home when we move out. Parents are not obligated to give it to us. I don't know when people started thinking that they have a right to their parent's things. Long way to say - let the furniture go. I assume you have bedroom furniture now - so you don't really need it.
I think you should return the china - and the gravy bowl - to keep that piece is childish. Maybe she asked for them back because you never use them and admit that the set has been storage for years?
Purchase yourself a lovely china set for your house.
Hold a magnificent dinner party, invite your parents, and let them see how mature and confident you are in your adulthood.
If you are using them tell her you can't spare them.
She asked you and the answer is 'No, sorry I can't do that'.
She gave them to you, they are yours and you are not giving them back.
Yes she'll pitch a fit.
Or if you don't care about the dishes and have the time/money to get other dishes then give them back.
In future don't accept any 'gifts' from your mother - she's only using you for free storage.
Not only has my Mom given me all my bedroom set but when ever she want to get something new she give me her old furniture (she always gets good stuff that lasts forever - she just gets bored with it before it wears out).
She's had a few depression day dressers refinished and she sent them - they are beautiful!
Angela S.
It sounds familiar to me. My BPD mil is that way, too. She would give things if she felt like she needed to garner favor or to use it to manipulate people or if she didn't like it at that particular moment in time. Then if her feelings changed, she wanted it back. Like a Queen. She did use things as representative of her love because she never really knew what love was. She could not imagine, not expecting something in return.
There was a time when she was changing houses that she was "bestowing" stuff. I stayed away from that party. Told my H, I didn't want a thing. She was incensed, it was like I was rejecting her. I was rejecting her manipulation.
I'd tell you to give her the china back. Go out and buy (order it from Amazon;), the prettiest china set you've ever seen for the dinner party. Because it will be yours to give with love if you ever want to.
By the way, don't count on an inheritance!
I think you already know this isn't about the dishes. If you have unresolved issues with your mother favoring your brother, then have that discussion with her. Just be prepared for her to have no idea what you're talking about. Parents can be a big blessing but also a source of pain and disappointment.
Yes it is yours. No, your mother has no business demanding it back. It's tacky and rude. You don't have to give it back. A gift is a gift. And you can certainly make that point by "forgetting" and simply not giving them to her.
Or you can take Suz's suggestion and change the script. Tell her you decided to gift YOUR dishes back to her because you found a set that you liked much better and thought that she might enjoy YOUR dishes more than you would.
I'm kind of shocked and disgusted that I'm seeing responses below me that are justifying your mother's rude, tacky, disrespectful behavior. I wouldn't be surprised if those same people are guilty of being gift-givers that later change their minds. Or plan to.
You have not used the dishes for 12 or 13 years. That is a long time. And why do you need your old furniture, because you are moving soon? I think you have some old wounds that need healed. I do understand why you would be upset about your brother getting his furniture and you not, but I don't think it should be something that you should start fighting over. I mean, it sounds like you have been away from home for at least 13 years and haven't HAD to have these things to function in your home. And maybe even your mother sees that you are responsible and can purchase your own things. Maybe your brother isn't? I don't know, sometimes you just have to decide if it is worth the pain of another argument, or just forget about it. Only you can decide that. And your mother sounds selfish, which is a huge contributing factor in your feelings. My husband has issues with his mother that way, and it never ends.
First the furniture is not yours unless you purchased it with your money. As far as the china, you have not used it. Is it really that important. Life is way too short for getting your nose out of joint over dishes. Why would you now not invite her to the dinner. Sounds like you might have some unresolved issues with Mom.
Two suggestions-
1. Ask to hold onto the china set till after the dinner party, or to make use of it for the dinner party then return it to her.
2. return it to her immediately and buy your own set with your own money (no dispute then as to ownership, return, use, etc. and most importantly, no hard feelings.
Best,
F. B.
PS- we aren't the china/ dinner set sort. After a health scare, my aunt decided she would use hers all the time, as well as the formal dining room, and parlor. She believes that she and her family are worth the better things as much as company it would be set aside for. Every day is a holiday. Use your fine china.
She asked to borrow it, not take it forever. "I'll take those back for a while until I find something I like."
You weren't using them now you need them.
Why is your old bedroom set yours? Did your parents actually give it to you as a gift? I asked my parents if I could have my old set for my older daughter, they said sure but I never assumed it was mine it is after all the furniture in one of their bedrooms they would have to replace when I took it.
Seems to me you have a mess of stuff going on here that has nothing to do with china or furniture. It also sounds like you and your mom are a lot alike.
I don't see how the furniture matters, they need it for their guest room. Do you actually need it for something or are you going to store it as well? It just seems like you want things, I assume mom puts value on things so you are equating love with things when that isn't the case. They need it for their guest room, has nothing to do with loving you more or less.
I can assure you there was nothing normal about my mom.
If you know how she is then why do you keep 'setting' yourself up?
If I gave something to someone and they didn't use it in 12 years and I could get use out of it, I would ask "hey if you aren't going to use it can I have it back". But I would let the receiver decide, not demand it back..
**Once in a while I get the mommy blues, meaning I really wish I had a mom. Today is my mommy blues day, let it go and enjoy the fact that you have a pretty good mom, and accept her faults, I'm sure you have plenty of your own. I've never had a mom, when she was alive she wasn't really here or a mom, we never had a relationship and it sucks. Don't uninvite her to the dinner. Move on please.**
What to do with the china is your choice, it is in your possession and was given to you, it is yours. As for the bedroom set, who paid for it? Just because it was in your room did not necessarily make it yours. The dresser used while living with my mother was one that used to be my grandmothers. It was "mine" for years, but was never really mine, because I did not pay for it. Just because my mom let me use it did not make it mine, it was still in her house after all. If you paid for the doll case then bring that up and tell her it is yours and you want it. If she paid for it, then let it go and buy or build one to replace it. If you want to keep the dishes then either use them at the party and tell your mother they are yours now and she can not have them back, or don't use them and keep them out of site and tell her she can not have them back. OR give them back if they really don't mean anything to you. The choice is yours and yours alone.
She knows you haven't used in all the time you've had it. So she knows you really don't want it. You've already told her in every way it's not your style and you have no use for it. So she's allowing you to get rid of it with no hard feelings.
I wish my mom would have taken all her junk back. She gave me stuff I still have in my cabinets even though she's been gone for several years now. I will eventually get rid of them but every time I think about it I hear her saying "I gave that to you, how can you get rid of that"?
Let it go and go buy yourself something you really like.
This makes me remember an awesome dresser my grandma told me I could have while visiting her. It had a mirror in the middle and shelves on the sides. I never had any nice furniture growing up. My mom heard my gma say I could have it and said she wanted it. Then she got it. I still think about that when my mom is selfish about things.
I dunno...I kind of see it from your mother's point. If you haven't used it in 12 years and she's going to use them every day, I think it makes more sense for her to have them and use them., I would "let" her have them after the dinner party and only until you move and will be using them regularly.
Well... You hadn't used the set for THIRTEEN YEARS and SHE had to suggest you use them for the first and only time. Maybe her feelings are a bit hurt. Or it clicked that you never use the dishes anyway so she might as well take them back. I do think this is very different than if you'd used them a lot and she walked in and said she wanted them back. My sister and I also never took our bedroom furniture. It would have left empty rooms in our parents' house... We were adults so we were responsibile for furnishing our own places then. I dont' think it's wrong if the parents offer bc they want to change the room to an office or something but I don't see it as a given. In terms of treatly your brother differently, don't mothers baby their boys sometimes? Not right but maybe that's it. And all I know is the way my MIL treats her other kids is ENORMOUSLY different than how she treats my husband. He is the most successful of them so I'm sure that's her rationale but it's horrible. Makes me really dislike her. My parents always made sure things were as even as possible. I was lucky. You can do the same for your kids and then just let this go but remember she can be like this. I'd use the set for your dinner party and then give it all back to your mother including the gravy boat as it won't match the next set you get anyway.
A child's bedroom set and a set of china is not a measure of your mom's love. Whether or not she wants it, keeps it, take it back - it doesn't mean anything about her love for you. you must do everything you can to separate them in your heart and mind.
When my mom was alive she'd actually come into my kitchen , and if she really liked something she'd take it!!! I coudn't fine my coffee canister one day - then found it on her counter (her appt was attached to my house - which had once been hers). WHen i asked her why she did that - she answered "If i asked for it I know you'd have given it to me". And she was right. Yeah, it bothered me that she felt she had a entitlement to my stuff - but in the big picture it's just stuff. Stuff. People are what matters.
Who knows why we moms treat our kids didfferently. Maybe she didn't really like your brother's bed room set - but ffelt differently about yours. Moms will often get something for their daughters that they had always wanted as a child. Maybe she really likes your childhood bedroom furntiture and alreay dpictures grandchildren sleeping over in that bed.
My inlaws were constatnly givng their daughter and her family their hand-me-downs - their old furniture, cars, lawnmower, etc. My husband wished he could have had a free car... But they knew their daughter's husband was a jerk and would never work hard to get the family raise up from their low income level. On the other hand, my in-laws also knew that we would never *need* a car or old furniture. Parents don't always give "what's fair" but what they think their children *need*.
Give the china back, but ask mom - some day, when you get a hosue could you have it back? In our family we rotate everything - furniture, dishes, even Christmas tree ornaments. My mom passed away last Spring and I have to say my siblings and I (five of us) were really good about splitting up her stuff. We never fought over things - but deferred to the other almost all the time. Our relationships with each other are stronger because of it.
We need to learn to let go of stuff. TRust me - I have nice stuff I don't want to get rid of - and old stuff that I wish someone whould take. But it's really just stuff.
Well your Mom is this way, always has been, and is just this way and she will not change.
And she treats your brother differently.
That's not nice, but she is this way.
Hopefully your brother and you get along, anyway. Not letting your Mom's attitude get in the way of that and create 'resentment' in you.
That sucks.
But well, your Mom is not a fuzzy cuddly warm attitude type.
And she is a taker-backer.
Childhood issues, can be adult issues later, and resonate, still.
Try not to let that happen.
I have a sibling.. that just cannot, let go of things/wrong/hurts, that SHE thinks, happened. And she always misconstrues things, 'against' my Mom.
NOT saying this is you.
But per my sibling, well even to this day, she always has issues with her wishing my Mom were a certain way, instead of just accepting and knowing, my Mom is a certain way. And she can't get over it.
Creates such, drama. And is such a waste of energy.
She still brings things up from CHILDHOOD, that still.... irks her.
Good grief.
My Mom even does not remember it. But she does.
It is like a albatross around everyone's neck.
Your Mom has a thing about her things are her's, even if she seems to... give it away.
Well your Mom has that problem.
You know it.
So you can't take her word for it.
Unfortunately.
You are thinking of just not inviting your parents now, just because of the dishes?
Think about that.
Is that going to "solve" all these problems?
Its just dishes.
Why don't you just sit your Mom down, and tell her all of this.... in a reasonable mature even tone of voice?
Call her on it.
If that makes you feel, better.
Sounds to me like you have a lot of unresolved feelings and resentment toward your mom and brother that has absolutely nothing to do with furniture and/or dishes.
As for the furniture at your parents' house, it is not yours unless you paid for it. We all had furniture in "our" rooms at my parents' house as well, but I would NEVER have assumed it was mine to take when I moved out. They bought it, it belonged to them. I'm not sure I even would have taken it had they offered it to me. I liked going "home" and having my furniture still there. Plus, it was more fun to buy new stuff when I eventually got my own place.
Yes, it is a bit odd that your mother would request things be returned, but that's her. As for the dishes, if you haven't used them in all this time, I would just give them back. I would bet even if you move, you still won't use them.
I doubt that I would ever ask for an item to be returned, but there have been many times my sisters and I have exchanged family-owned items that after awhile, if we want to get rid of them, we'll just simply ask the other if they want it back. If they do, no problem. If they don't, then at least I've asked and I'll feel ok getting rid of it; or I'll rotate it to the other sister.
Of course, outright gifts are a totally different subject!
Good luck!!
It's not worth the argument.
Anyway, there is much more fun and updated furniture and dishware out there. Ever been to IKEA?
I fail at diplomacy and would probably my mother "NO, you can't have your damn china back. It's mine now!" And, yeah, I'd probably sound like my three year old but so what? Something given is something given in my book. Good luck and may you channel more grace and dignity than I could muster on this matter. :)
Tell her no. That she gave it to you and that you plan to use it very soon. You've had them for over ten years. They are yours. Tell her to go shopping at Pier 1.
A gift is a gift. Does your Mom only do this to you? Or to everyone? If she only does it to you, you could tell her to please stop giving you things as gifts if she doesn't mean them to be gifts. If she does this to everyone, well, something's a bit off about that. And most people, when they give gifts, do NOT take them back.
