Taking in a Young Family Member

I can by no means tell you what you should or shouldn't do because I don't know you or anything about your life. All I know is that four years ago we brought home and new born baby that was like family. His mother was our nephew's girlfriend. He has been alot of work, he is extremely active and our youngest before him is sixteen, so there is a huge age diffrence. We also have an eighteen year old daughter and a twenty-two year old son. They have all been alot of help with him and let me tell you, I would never think of this decision as a mistake.
This decission is one that you have to make together with your husband, and do alot of soul serching. How does the rest of your family feel about this decission? Will they be there to encourage andhelp where needed? My mother and my in-laws have been more help than I ever imagined. You may want to talk to some foster care parents to find out what you will be getting into. My Sister-in law is a foster care parent and I have seen alot of children coming through her house over the years. Some have bene great and some absolutly terrible!!There is alot of baggage that she will be bringing with her and this is something that you need to understand you will be helping her with.
I think that this is a wonderful thing that you want to do, and I would never discourage you from doing this. I think that family should always step in if possible. We should always be available to help our family in their need. Just make sure that you and your family is ready for this, and make sure that this is something that not only she will agree with but also the mother of the girl. In the foster care system, the foster parents can't even get the children haircuts without getting the parents permission. You will defently want a good flow of communication with the girl's mother.
Best of luck to you and this girl. May God bless you in your decision!!

Such a caring thing to do for you this young lady.

I am not able to make that decision of whether having a new addition to the family would be a harm/help to the girl or your family. That is something you will have to decide what is best for the whole family.

I can comment on a few things from experience though:
We had my 16 year old sister come stay with us for 7 months. She didn't necessarily want to be with us, but her only option was foster care or my brother's home. My brother's wife wanted her to live with them for not all of the best reasons. She hadn't had a child - wanted to fill the void, etc.

So we petitioned for her and she came. Anyways, we did not have children at that time. Don't think that would have been an issue as we knew her background of working along side children. If she was kind or not, etc.

We were able to provide her stability during the short time she was here. Her grades went from flunking courses to honor roll. She was able to see that she was able to accomplish things, that she was special, and smart! We were able to share with her our traditions of being part of a family. Sitting down for dinner, helping eachother, going to church, celebrating birthdays and holidays, encouraging eachother's interests in life, having clean, and good fun.

One thing we would have changed is to set and discuss expectations or house rules. So everyone knew where they were coming from.

Try to decide how you want to relate with her. Will you be a friend to her or a parental figure? Either way she will need to know that you are ulitmately responsible for her and that you will make decisions that are in her best interest during the short time she is with you.

It is hard to influence any or all of the negative behaviors she may have learned. But you can show her respect and love.
Sometimes these girls don't have much trust. They have built up walls to deal with the chaos and hurt from their past.

Just be consistent and keep the unconditional love coming. Even when tested.

Good luck,
L.

Hi K.,
I've studied adolescent development and many "experts" say that it is crucial and likely to be of great benefit to all. Children, no matter the age, need to have many healthy support systems. This is especially true in times of trouble and after, so as to avoid more. But that is less details. How does your family feel about this idea as a real reality? Have you spoken with her parents about this? If you can, it could be good so as not to undermine their parenthood. Have you spoken with the young woman? Ideally, everyone would be invovled in this decision and pro/cons worked out to make any transition stable. Everyone should know what is to be anticipated and expected before hand to avoid misunderstandings. Have you spent significant time with this young woman before? Is it feasable for her to come for a short visit (week/end?), just to see what it feels like to be sharing company, before a decision is made? Adjustments to the idea may be key in a positive outcome. I have two daughters,20 mo. old and a twelve year old, who are similar in ages to your girls here. It is from my growing personal experience that having my eldest help take care of the youngest is and will pay off in many ways, notably with lessons in responsibility and respect, as well as a beautiful relationship connection forming. The girls could be very good for each other and maybe you can accomplish somethings that you need/want to do. Again, the goddess is in the details. I would say to put an emphasis on structured fun activities just for her occasionally. Do you have any horses around where you live? I think it is great work you are contemplating. There is much information I can share and direct you to if you are interested.

Over the 24 years I have been a parent I have taken in many friends of my children. Teenagers whose homelife was...let's just say not ideal for any child. They have all come to call me Mom. They know that I love them and I believe that just having the knowledge that someone loves you and is there for you has helped them tremendously. I say if you have the love in your heart don't waste it! I also agree that setting ground rules up front is very important.

This descision has to be a family decision. If her behavoir problems aren't dangerous to anyone, besides her, then I think that would be good for her. I lived away from home for one school year and it helped me grow up a lot. I missed my family but I found a new one with my aunt and uncle. I remain close to them still. They just celebrated their fiftith wedding anniversary. Cool. LOL. Your young cousin has to be part of the decision, too. She's old enough to decide, mostly. She may not want to leave the supported home she lives in now. Especially, it she's made some good friends. It won't be easy but it can be very rewarding. KUDOS for even wanting to. That shows you have a big heart. Good for you!!!!! Good Luck!!!!

You have a big heart! I think your desire to help is pure, and that you have alot to offer this young girl. I think it could possibly be a big strain on your life, including your marriage if your husband isn't as excited about the idea as you are. But I think if you feel in you heart that you should reach out to her, then you should. Try it for a week and see how it goes. If it flops, continue to correspond through letters etc, or maybe weekend visits. But I think anyone who is willing to be a positive influence on someone's life should do it. Good luck!

I took in my 15 year old niece. At the time we had a 6 year old and a 4 year old. We didn't know what was in store for us because we had heard so many stories! In the end, she was a fabulous girl but still a teenager! I had never dealt with a teenager but I had JUST been one not too long ago. The first couple of months were akward. Even though she was family she was still a tranger in our house. For fifteen years she was raised with didn't morals, beliefs, rules, etc. There was a lot of drama and a lot of talks about boyfriends. We were her Foster parents and the state had her do couseling every week. Her counselor told us that what got to her the most was that the first night she was here we had a family night. We ate together as a family and watched a movie. We never raised our voice to her let her make her own decisions. (We gave her advice but we had to let her hurt herself in order to learn.)

She left one year after she moved in. (She now lives with her dad.) She sends us e-mails all the time, calls us once a week, and calls us mom and dad. The hardest part was when she called right after leaving and wanted to come back. We knew that it was best for her to be with her father. (He loved her and would take care of her or else we wouldn't have let her go.) She went from skipping school and almost failing to being on the honor roll, calling us to tell us where she was and asking us for advice.

I love that girl like she was my own. However, it was very difficult to bring a stranger into our house. I miss her but I am also happy with having my house back.

My future ex-husband and I took in his niece who is twelve last summer. She wasn't in a group home but a poor environment. It was a great experience. She is from a bigger city so the slower ways of Lincoln, really helped her out. She is the oldest of three, and just giving her the opportunity to be a child did a lot for her. With that said, it has to be a solid decision made by both you and your husband. It will take a complete team effort to create a nuturing environment and if things don't go as planned, it is a "we tried" vs. an "I told you so".

Dear K.,
Wow! Wanting to take on the challenge of a 13 year old on top of your own 15 month old! First of all, does the girl WANT to come live with you for the summer? And, why only for the summer? If you pull the girl from where she is now and bring her into your home for just a brief time, I would think that would be more harmful than good. Maybe if the facility that she is currently in allows weekend passes, you could take her for a weekend and allow her some time with your daughter, to teach her the responsibility issue. Again, if she is adjusting so well in her current living situation, why rock the boat? I'm sure you do love her and maybe in this situation, there is more needed than just love. Try the weekend thing and if it goes well, go for another weekend, and keep adding time until everyone is comfortable with the situation and to see how she does in your family, with YOUR rules and discipline. I wish you the world of luck on this one.

K.-
I am so glad to see that there are people out there willing to take someone in and care for them no matter their history... I am a young mom and two wonderful lil boys and I have a 17 year old neice that I love to death but she can be a hand full. Last year there was a lot of stuff going with my brother and his now ex wife and my neice decided to move to Iowa from Colorado to live with us (my husband, me, and my boys)... It was great the first few days but then it got to the point were she thought she could run the house and do whatever she wanted. Me and my husband fought a lot because my husband was raised in a very strict home and my mom was more laid back and kind of just let me do whatever. Anyways- my neice has a lot of issues with my brother and my sister in law because of what was going on at that time that she didnt know to respond to it all but to not talk about it and keep it to herself... My best suggestion to you is that if your husband is alright with it and you really want to do it... then do it... she will appercaite it more than anything and you will be able to teach her stuff that will be useful in life... I personally would take my neice in again if the time ever comes.... I may have had problems with her but I was able to help her... Good luck....

I would first talk to your cousins daughter and see how she feels about it. I wouldn't disclude her from the whole process. Talk to her counselor at the girls home where she is and see if she thinks this might be a good idea also. It might help if you took her for some weekend visits to help her adjust before she makes a final decision. I do think it is a good idea from my own personal experiences your better off with family. I hope this helps you out.

K.,

About a year ago I went through the same thing with my male cousin. he had gotten itno trouble, there was a lack of adult spervision, just a bad home life in general. My cousin was looking at doing time in Alifornia Youth Authorities for about 7 years (he stold a dirt bike and some other things. My husband and I thought we could help, unfortunately that was not the case with him. We moved to Montana and brought my cousin with us for the first 6 months it was fine. He actually spent 1 1/2 years with us because my hsband and I really didn't want to give up on him. After 1 year 2 months, we had to stop, his behavior was real bad, and he was doing things hygenically that I would have expected form my 3 year old. After so many years of being in charge of himself he was not willing to follow the rules or change. The saying you can lead a horse to water, but not force it to drink decribed our situation to a "T". I'm not saying don't check into having her visit etc. if it's possible, but you need to really think hard before opening your home to a child who had had problems for this long. We were extremely close to my cousin before all this and now I/we don't want anything to do with him. Your "cousin" is about 3 years younger than mine, but she is still an "old Dog". If she is doing good where she's at I'd say just leave her, instead up uprooting her and her having to learn a whole new way of life again. Be a part of her life, but don't make it so all of you end up in an unhappy spot. Good luck, whatever you choose.

T. P.