Seeking Advice on Foster Care

Newborns are always the ones to get homes first. I would suggest taking in kids who really need it. You can make the biggest difference in the older ones. Especially if you can give them a stable life. The rest of their upbringing can help what damage may have been caused.

Are you sure you want to get into foster care right now? Its a huge responsibility to take on and you have a lot on your plate already. The social worker who is licensing you should be able to help talk you through what ages and sexes of children would be appropriate for your home. Your husband should also be part of that discussion. He may not be home much, but he is still a person who will be living with the foster children. Just based on what you have said it sounds to me like you are more comfortable with younger children. You can also take it on a case by case basis and look at more factors than just ages.

Hi S.. I used to be a child protection social worker a few years ago. I would recommend not getting children older than your oldest child. This displaces their position in the family. As for a newborn, with your husband gone and you working full-time, maybe this wouldn't be the best age for you to take on. How about preschoolers? They're pretty adaptable to spending time in childcare, they will be close to your children's ages without being older and they are at a fun age where you can still teach them so much.

I guess my advice would be to not worry so much about the age as the circumstances the child(ren) are in to need foster care. Some will need only your unconditional love and guidance, others much more. There will be some children who are older that will need more from you than an infant would.

I was a foster child at 16 that was fairly independent but obedient and considerate and just needed a stable family environment that cared about me. Others will have a lot more baggage (emotional and familial) that you will have to deal with.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say, is to concentrate on finishing your classes first. Then talk to the social workers about the children that need homes. Ask how long they need a home, what their history is, and why they need a home. You can choose who you bring into your home as well as what you may expose your current family to.

I also am saying thank you, too. :)

I am speaking as a former foster child. I was in two foster homes, starting at age 8. My foster parents are my parents still, to this day. They, obviously, made a huge impact on my life.

My parents specialized in taking in sexually and physically abused teenagers so, yes, everyone dame in with HUGE issues. My younger sisters are adopted from Korea, so all the foster kids were older than they were all the time. I think older was better. It's hard when the youngest loses there status. Every kid wants a big brother or sister, and my little sisters had them in abundance, so they could pick their favorites.

I applaud you for taking on foster kids and being a working mom. I always thought that I would take in foster kids, but I can't imagine trying to juggle that with my own kids, their activities, my job and my own activities. I couldn't do it. (Instead I choose to work with at-risk youth as a teacher, and I just don't keep them in my home.)

Hello. I don't have any experience myself, but my brother and sister-in-law are foster parents for two siblings and are actually in the process of adopting them...and it is working out great! The girl is two years old and her brother is 9 months. It has been a wonderful experience for your entire family. If you are looking for two children to bring into your home, consider siblings. That way you are helping keep a family together and you will likely get a little variation in age.

The age thing IS important when you have little ones around. The baggage that an older child is bringing into the house could be dangerous for them. Sexual incidents are more and more common and occur more often than we may think. That is the main thing I would think about before getting a foster child. I have worked with enough children to know it is real. I would go for younger or not all.
Thank you for taking on this brave effort. Good Luck.

I have absolutely no advice for you. I just wanted to say that what you are doing is incredible. You are setting a wonderful example for your children about how to live and how helping others can change their lives for the better. You are giving children coming from bad situations a happy, loving place where they can know they are safe and cared for.
Your children should be proud to call you their mom. Good luck and God bless.

I have friends who just started fostering and so was just talking to them about this. I really suggest waiting until your husband is living at home again to start fostering. Kids who come from unstable environments (verbally or emotionally or physically abusive, drug use, etc.) REALLY need the stability of a two parent household, much more so than kids who come from stable homes. My friend mentioned to me that having a routine, structure, and strong two parent male-female leadership in the home is what has made the difference with the foster kids - they act much more secure and confident. So my advice would just be to wait until your husband can live at home again. I'm sorry I didn't answer your direct question about ages, but I hope this can help a little.

Hi S.,

I am also in the process of being licensed for foster care. I have decided to take in school-age children up to age 9. There were several things that helped me make this decision. First, I am a single parent and I work full-time. Therefore, bringing in young kids that would need full-time daycare was not an option. Second, I talked to my own children and asked how they felt. My daughter (5) really had no opinion, but my son (7) told me he does not want any big kids in the house. He is very easily intimidated by older kids and I don't want to jepordize my kids' sense of security. My son told me he would be comfortable with someone who is 9 but not any older. So, that's how we made that decision.

I would definetly get the whole family involved in this decision. You need to make sure that this is something the whole family is doing together. Otherwise your other children may feel left out or may feel that you are favoring the foster kids. Good luck with everything. I know it's alot of uncertainty right now. Feel free to email me if you ever want to chat a little more.

K.

S.,

I am sure that the foster care training will eventually tell you this, but you really, really don't want to bring in children older than your own. It screws up the whole "birth order" status, and although that may not seem that important, it really is. Children have a strong identity related to when they came into a family. (Even if they are twins, triplets, etc.) Bringing new children in who trump your biological children is going to cause a lot of unnecessary rivalry. It is one of the reasons blending families can be so rocky. Also, you want your own children to be the example for the foster children, not the other way around. Make sure they are younger. That is the feedback I have heard when talking to friends who do foster care.

If you are worried about having energy for a newborn, the answer is probably no. If you get one that young, s/he is probably born to a mother addicted to something, which means you could have a very, very difficult newborn experience. You may want to try for a baby who is a little older unless you can get a newborn without any health or addiction complications.

Good luck,
S.

I just want to second what Terri said. I was a foster parent for awhile after my husband & I got married. We had several different ages come through our home. There were challenges and rewards with each child. The baggage they each came with was the biggest determining factor as to whether we were able to help them or not. Since you already have children of your own, you have to consider what all of your children are ready to handle too. Talk to your children and keep them involved in the process. It will make them more likely to help future "sibblings" and less likely to compete for your attention. Do you have a support structure already in place? Try to barter babysitting with a friend or neighbor so that you and your spouse get time together once in a while and make time for each child to have one-on-one time with you too. It is a juggling act, but it sounds like you are up for the task you have been called to.

No advice, I just wanted to thank you for taking on this important task!

I think it's great that you want to be a foster parent. I myself would love to do that one day, right now isn't a great time.

I would think toddlers/preschoolers would be the easiest. Yet all children are different and come from different circumstances. Older children/teenagers are probaly going to have more emotional/psychological problems. Babies are ALOT of work but are probaly the easiest at adapting to a new home. Toddlers/Preschoolers are still young enough to learn rules,expectations and take in your love.Wheras the older kids aren't trusting and will push away your love or test your rules etc.This obviously isn't the case for every child but the majority I would assume. The older you get the more problems you might occur.

I've always thought of doing foster care like I said earlier but I've always imagined having a child around my daughter's age so they could be friends and have things in common.

Consider your strengths, where your kids are in all of this, how your husband views the family-makeup and be careful not to overextend yourself. Are your fostering with an eye to adoption or just as a transitional home? If the latter, then the younger the better, as they have the fewest "issues." Infants are a lot of physical work, but also a great blessing and growth opportunity for your other kids. You can raise them as your own for as long as they are with you and jealousies are minimized because they are so little, cute and helpless - they tug at everyone's heart. When you try to add kids in between your own (some people handle this better than others) there is greater opportunity for rivalry to develop. Yours are all old enough to be of tremendous help -even feeding, getting up in the night and such - so little ones may fit best into your life. Pray about it and consider the cost to your own family before you start. It's a calling, not just a job, and takes a special kind of person to do it well for the long haul. It's also a strain on marriages at times, so be sure yours is strong and you have good communication skills.

SAHM of seven, 23 yrs - 21 mos. (three adopted, one foster), married 27 yrs. We've been "in the system" 10 years, done Fos/Adopt, MN Waiting Child Adoption and lost a newborn child to the birth mom changing her mind. Our fourth adoption finalizes in August and he's been with us since he was 4 mos old. No rivalries here - but we always added a "youngest" each time.