Step-mom

I've been there and it was not easy. Unfortunately it took years for things to get better between us. Their mom and I do not get along at all and I avoid her as much as possible. As for the children, they are already grown and in college and we do get along pretty good now, but maybe because they are hardly around. What I had to do is let him deal with their issues on his own and keep me out of it. Since his ex doesn't do anything for her children, it pretty much is all on him and I can't deal with that. I take care of my two girls and he takes care of his two. It's just better that way, financially and emotionally.

Hi I hope this will help you, I was a child of divorce and also had a step mom. I do not have a relationship with my father or step mom any more which really saddens me because I never really felt like I was a part of my dads new family. When we would go to his house which was every other weekend and 2 weeks out of the summer it felt like the only reason he came to get us was b/c he had to. I think some of my best advice to you would be. If your husband has visitation in the divorce agreement, make those kids come and visit. Yeah at first they might not like it, but eventually they will feel like they are a part of the new life there dad is making for them and your new family. My step mom never offered to go do anything with us she never came to a soccer game nothing she was disconnected to what my sister and I did in our lives. She was only focused on HER son and what he was doing, which is fine and all but I don't feel like she ever realized how much that hurt us. So if you can take time and go to their events even if they say they don't like you, b/c if you just give up and say ok they don't like me then they have won. You are not responsible for the divorce I am sure the marriage was over a long time before you came around, so maybe your husband needs to sit them down and talk to them let them now that they are still loved and here is the key thing...that they are not being replaced with a new family. They need to realize how wonderful it can be them having two families that love them and more siblings to play with and love. As for the ex wife I am not sure that you can smoothen things over with her. My parents were divorced when I was 5 years old and my dad and step mom hate her just as much today as they did the day the divorce papers were signed(i only know this b/c that is what my father said to me. My mom never said anything bad about them, but they always said negative things about my mom. So don't be negative be neutral, I know she probably doens't make it very easy on you, my mom tried for years to be nice to my step mom and it didn't get her anywhere. So if you both can be sivil at events and to be at eachothers throats I would call it good and let the rest just roll off your back. I also would not hesitate to bring another child it to your situation, I love my half brother and there was a time that my sister and I did resent him but we love him. Nothing that has happened was or is his fault. The kids will come around in their own time. Well I hope that I have helped you. I could go on all day about this subject. I think that my main peice of advice would have to be, make those kids come over at every scheduled visit, it think things would be alot different if I had felt like my dad and step mom wanted my sister and I there and included us in things. Feel free to e-mail me if you need help or even a little insight on things. Take care and hang in there.

As long as you are kind and helpful to all of them that is really all you can do. If they don't want to love and accept you, you cannot make them. Sometimes it is best just let them decide to come to you and get along with you. Sometimes we try too hard to get along and people enjoy rejecting your efforts. I would stop worrying about it and just be happy with my new little family. Take care and God bless you!

C.,

I would also suggest you wait to have a new baby. Your family needs your undivided attention right now. A new baby will just make the feelings already present even worse.

First sit and talk with your husband. Discuss how you want the family to be, and ask him if the kids have talked to them about you. Ask him to talk to his ex also.

I am not sure where you live, but when I got a divorice in Texas we had to take a class about how to deal with the children and your ex. This was really helpful!

Here are the basics.

1) NEVER EVER say something bad about their mother. Try to keep things on yourself and on the situation at hand. Don't say bad things because they will hate you just for that, even if they know the things you say are true.

2) Be consistent, firm, calm and loving. It sounds sappy and they will groan, they will yell and they will pretend to hate you... Tell them you care about them. Tell them you are doing all you know how to do to make them safe and happy. They will believe you if you do it over time and are consistent.

Be clear what the rules are, write them down. Write down the punishments for each rule if its broken (do this as a family group and put the notebook somewhere everyone can reference easily). Explain WHY these rules are in place. Usually most rules are about safety and respect. Talk about respect and how to show it, make sure you respect them and expect them to respect you in return. Your husband will be the big part of this.

Consistency is the key! Every time the rules are broken, follow through immediately.

3) NEVER fight with their mother or their father in front of them.

Suggest calmly that you can discuss it in private at a time when each of you are not upset and can discuss it calmly. Do this with the kids too. Make sure that after things calm down you do let them speak their peace and then you take a turn. Come to a compromise or an understanding.

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Remember you chose this family, something that makes you unique! You chose to be a part of these kids lives after they were already who they were. Point that out and remember it yourself. It will take time but its worth it.

If things don't improve after about 6 months of the above suggestions, I would definately go to family counseling.

Hi C.,
I believe that you will always have some kind of issue with the ex-wife. Honestly, it sounds like a control issue. She doesn't like you, so she doesn't want her kids to like you, and wants to make your life miserable. There are ALOT of women like that in this world. Now with the 12 yr old and the 3 yr old, it more than likely is that he is jealuos of him/her. I do not think you should stop trying to have a baby because there will always be something that someone else is not happy about. Do you really want to live your life always having to put what you want on hold? They are all old enough to deal with change. Even the 12 yr old. I hope this helps you.

C.,

I think Anjelica and Wolfgang have given you some very solid advice. I am a child of divorce, to give you my background. My stepmother was young when she married my father, and I can look back now and understand what a difficult situation she faced. But that doesn't change the fact that many things she did really caused me to have a lot of resentment and frustration that still effects our relationship today.

You willingly chose to become a part of their family, and I think your first priority has to be reaching a place of peace with his kids (when they visit) and your own son that you already have. If his kids were all over 18 and independent, I might be more inclined to say otherwise.

But they are all still children, and I don't think it's a good idea for you to bring another baby into this relationship until you have reached some measure of peace and/or stability within your current family. Divorce is a HUGE, earth-shattering thing for a child to deal with...His kids are at a very tumultuous age, even without a divorce in the picture. And even if their parents had been unhappy for years, I imagine they are still in some state of shock at how much their life has changed over the last 4 years. For years and years after my parent's divorce, I still held out hope that they would ge back together someday, even after my father remarried. Never underestimate the ability of a child to harbor unrealistic expectations, which can have a great impact on their actions.

Couples counseling for you and your husband might be the best place to start, so that you can get a handle on how to have a unified approach to dealing with your blended family....and some specific advice on how each of you should to approach your relationships with your respective stepchildren. At the appropriate time, if necessary, you may need to have family counseling also. Find a good, solid church that has counseling services if you don't know where to start in looking for help.

Best wishes and God bless you...It will be a tough road that you have ahead of you, but with a lot of perseverence, prayer, and wise counsel,you will see improvements.

You cant smooth it over. All you can do is be a good person, treat them and your husband right and someday, maybe 20 years from now they will respect you for it no matter what ttheir mother says. If you and your husband are ready for a new baby, they will adjust or not. They are children, they do not get to rule the world.

Dear C.:
You are young, and you have only been married for 2 years. It is probably a good idea to wait, because look at the four combinations:
1) you have a child/your marriage lasts
2) you have a child/your marriage falls apart
3) you don't have a child/your marriage lasts
4) you don't have a child/your marriage falls apart

In scenario 1, it does not matter whether you have a child now or later. In 3 you can still change your mind about having one, and in 4 you have fewer issues to deal with, since you have your child and he has his. But 2 is the problematic one. If your issues are not resolved and your marriage does not survive, you don't want another child to suffer. My former step-daughter has three new siblings from her dad's new marriage, and she feels left out and distraught. You can be politically correct all you want, but nonetheless new children take away time and attention from existing ones.

A common baby does not fix anything, and your husband should feel some obligation to his kids. Why does he want another one? Why do you? I sometimes notice that a wish for a common baby comes from underlying relationship issues in an attempt to bond. If that is the case, I would DEFINITELY wait. Otherwise I would just wait. ;-)

Regards,
W.

First of all...YOU CANNOT PLEASE EVERYONE!!! I commend you for trying to get along with his kids and his ex-wife.
I had a terrible step mom and I can remember my mom saying that as long as she was good to me then that was all that matters. My mom only got involved when my stepmom stepped over the line. So, my advice to you is to stay cordial. Take care of your family first. Be nice when you can and when those bad times happen then stay out of it. That way, you can't be the blame and what can anyone say about you other than you handle stuff fairly and as nice as possible. I'm sure it hurts your husband that his kids don't come over BUT that is his stuff to deal with. You can comfort him but he has to handle all of that. If the problems are because of his ex-wife then he should take that up with her. If the kids don't come over because of their own choice then he should talk to them. If they have a problem with you then maybe sit down as a family and try talking it out. Say what you have to say and draw the line there. Be fair and be up front with them. If you aren't creating any of the problems then you shouldn't have to be the one to fix them.
Also, About having another baby...if you guys are ready to have another baby...then have one. Don't plan your lives around anyone else's life. I was an only child so I truely don't understand the whole jealousy thing but I also didn't appreciate my parents until I had my own. That may be true with his other kids. They may not be active in your husband's life until they are older with their own children.
I'm sorry for your troubles but I would stay out of whatever you can avoid being involved with. Just be a shoulder for your husband to lean on.

There obviously dysfunction that doesnt have anything to do with you. I'm getting ahead of my story but my ex called me one day asking me on what he can do to get our daughter to come around and like his new wife. I told him that there was problems that my daughter has with him walking out outside of him getting with someone else so I told him he needs to concentrate on talking and working things out with her without pushing his wife down her throat. For instance they were damanding that my daughter mind her and respect her and she wouldnt let my daughter talk to him if she was sounding disrespectful. I told him I'm not saying its okay for her to be rude with your wife you asked and I'm telling you to have her step aside while yall mends somethings that accumulated before you even left. I'm not saying this has any relation with what your going thru I'm telling you my experience. Relax and let your husband built with his kids because there is things they are feeling especially if you were in his life before he walked out. When someone walks out they walk out on everyone, Its just a given fact straight from the bible God made the family and it works best that way, why else would Satan work so hard to bust it up. As far as having your own kids with him, my oldest was 15 when we were told it took a good minute for her to accept it but she loves him when she realized that he isnt getting any special attention. Its a different set of problems they had a baby and they dont really have time for the baby so its ironic really my daughter wishes she cant bring him home with her. Your husband has alot on his plate he needs to still be very involved in their life he needs to be involved with their extra curricular activities. The whole family needs to be okay with an new addition before you do have another baby, you married a man you knew had kids so please take their feelings into mind. Make sure your husband pays his support and stays active in their lives. My kids would have understood our split if he pay his child support and be involved in their sports not just show up but be involved. That is still the most hurtful thing is when kids dont see that they are priority. My ex was not on his feet well enough take on a new family. So unless its going to keep him from keeping his priorities straight with his kids then the kids will adjust. Don't push yourself on the kids and make sure your husband spends time and talks to them and unless they are really poisoned by the mom it should be fine. Now thats another issue I had to let my kids know its okay to love their new brother and its okay for you to like her. I think that may be alot of it if she the ex wife has a problem the kids have seen her brokeness they dont want mom mad at them. Kids are so in the middle and I'm sure you've heard that before but until me myself realized that we can put our kids thru some anguish. I was so insecure when we first split up, it was a very insecure manipulative relationship that I was afraid I would lose them to him. Then I had his new wife who had a need to be needed and to be number one mom and my ex's "just what the dr ordered" that it was a difficult time. When I realized and saw that the kids would rather be with me in our broke down trailer he left me in
when she and him moved into her 2 story house then I pulled myself together. Anyway our problem is so totally different I'm sure because my ex wanted to keep me down and he was sure the kids would come and move with him that he didnt think ahead and he's really for behind and my kids arent arguing with them or anything but they know that their dad has priorities all screwed up and they know his wife is just as screwed but they gove over and their civil because I let them know he loves them and dont take it personal he has problems that has nothing to do with you. Sorry for the long blog hope I've helped

Their ages will make it difficult to smooth anything over, especially with an angry mom at home not helping. I read your request and felt worried about the three-year-old. Be very careful with the older children and your little son. Angry adolescents and small children they resent can be a very bad combination. As long as your stepchildren are having trouble with this situation, you should be cautious about unsupervised time they spend with your little one. If the 12-year-old is verbalizing resentment, listen closely to his feelings and let him know you and his Dad care. If you have the resources and any cooperation from your husband and his ex-wife, I would strongly encourage getting some family therapy to help everyone (ESPECIALLY THE CHILDREN) through the transition. Best of luck to you, blended families can be very challenging.

Please do not bring another baby into this family, it would be another reason your husband's kids will resent him even more. Your husband first kids had it tough! First they lost a daddy (not in the house anymore), then there's two more kids with whom to "share" their daddy. Wouldn't you if you had to "share" him with another woman?

When someone decides to go and make another family, First they need to make sure their own kids, those he's leaving behind understand the situation, and be REASSURED of their undivided love.

People that are not involved in their kids lives make of them parents that do the same, and it's just a heart breaker!

My advise to you is do not bring another kid into the world in that kind of circumstances.....Teenage years are a challange for long term-commited-happily- married couples, I just can't imagine raising teenagers in that kind of environment!

You husband needs to Be a Father to all his children even if they're from different women. He needs to apply undivided attention to each and everyone of them. He has already a lot of responsibilities. He needs to parent all his children, if not this cycle of life with reproduced and his parenting skills are not to be desired and he's not ready to make more babies. Just think of all your husband's kids future, your husband is already divided enough times!!

You need to talk to your husband and ya'll decide on having another baby. You shouldn't not add to your family cause his ex-wife and kids are making it difficult. You cannot please everyone and you shouldn't try if it is going to stop you from adding onto your family if that is what you and your husband want.

I have been in this situation and am still living it myself. I married my husband when his son was 4 years old. The kid was a spoiled brat which neither parent disciplined (they thought it was cute). I got pregnant soon after we married. My stepson would take every opportunity to beat on his younger brother when he visited. A few years ago he jumped on him in the bed and punched him in the back until my son threw up. He was 14, and my son was 9. I tried to be nice to the kids mother as well in the beginning, but she hated me. It didn't matter that she left her husband for another man. She didn't like me being in her son's life. My stepson hates me, he believes his parents would have gotten back together if I would have left the picture. It's been twelve years and not much has changed. The kid still hates me, and he's sixteen now. I've tried everything, until I just gave up trying. His mother has just recently started talking to me. If I could do it over again, I would wait to have kids. That's my advice for you. I would also watch your 3 year old very closely around the 12 year old. I would sit everyone down, or have your husband go to them and talk privately, since they don't want to be around you. Have him explain that he loves them, and he loves you and your son and that's not going to change. They may not have to like you, but they do have to respect you. Your husband should tell them he loves them but he will not tolerate their bad behavior. They should come for their visits, but if they're not court ordered then they will miss out. I would urge your husband to be tough with his kids. You can't let them walk all over your relationship. Also, make sure you're treating the kids right, that you don't harbor any resentment or unkind feeling towards them. Honestly, it's easy to do. Make sure you treat them right, whether you really like them or not. Your husband will appreciate that, even if the kids don't. Then after time goes by, I would decide about another child. If they don't come around, you have to go on with your life and what you want. Just always keep a close eye on your children around the stepchildren. I hope this helps.