Stepmommy Needing Help with Hubby! Please!

How old are the children? Has he said why he is does it? Maybe his children haven't accepted you and they don't want you there (I'm not trying to be harsh, but that is common). Maybe he thinks it is better to go alone, then to upset his children and you. For me: saying "sorry, I won't do it again" isn't good enough. I would want to know why he doesn't want me there.

He is lying and minimizing it because of your reaction. I know it is difficult but as a teacher I see it over and over that kids would do so much better if their dad would just spend time and do things with them without always having this other person around. They basically lose their dad because they never get to be alone with him again. Try to put yourself in their shoes. What if you and the current hubby got divorced and your kids never got to spend time with him again except with some new woman and her kids?
Even though I am an adult I hated it when after my my mom died my dad remarried and I could never again just hang out with him or have him spend time with my kids, we always had the new wife. It is just not the same. I feel as tho I lost my dad and my mom.
It is not about you so do not take it personally. Get counseling or whatever you need to be secure. He loves you and ya'lls kids, but his first kids did not ask for this and have been hurt by this divorce and he is trying to keep their lives as normal as possible in the circumstances.
Don't they come and stay with ya'll every other weekend or something? If you are relaxed and good with them then I would imagine that things would get better and they and him would be more comfortable including you. But if you are insecure and defensive and have all this ego tied up in it then it is just unpleasant for everyone. Your job is to love him and to try to be a help mate. He is juggling enough already.

I'm a stepmom with 2 stepkids and 1 with my husband. I know how hard your situation is! It's okay for him to do things with his first set of kids now and then, especially because they are older than your kids. However, he is lying to you and sneaking around, and so this situation is totally unacceptable.

In my view, he should be going to things like doctor appointments and teacher conferences with his ex and without you, since you do not have a say in these things. But he should not be leaving you out of public events like graduations, performances, athletic events, etc. He should be sitting with you and not his ex if he's uncomfortable or if your presence bothers her. If he is sheltering his ex-wife, or if your stepkids are worried about your presence upsetting their mom, then that needs to get verbalized, acknowledged, and worked on. The kids' birthdays should be celebrated twice - once with their mom and a second time with you and your husband.

If you have little children, they should be attending events according to the situation - they should not be going to plays and concerts (no fun for them or for you who has to watch them - distracting to the older kids). Outdoor athletic events might be something your little kids could attend. In any case, if you are there, you should be able to focus on the stepkids and let them know they are important to you.

Your husband's behavior is demeaning you, and it sets a bad example for all of the kids. If his kids don't like you, then he's letting them run the show, which is not acceptable. He may have some guilt about "abandoning" them but he's just reinforcing it by keeping you out of their lives. They have half-siblings they are entitled to know, and whom they will benefit from knowing. His children will have an opportunity to see their dad as a good father to younger children which will reinforce their opinion of him. Abandoning YOU and your kids just makes him seem like a sleaze in the eyes of the older kids. "Oh, he abandoned us, then he started a new family, and he leaves them alone to see us." Right now, they might be enjoying the attention, but ultimately it doesn't make him seem like a good guy in anyone's eyes.

The biggest issue is the deception. You're got to get into some couples counseling right away. Your medical insurance might cover a number of visits - ask your doctor or clergy person for a referral. Low cost counseling is usually available thru your town's office for children's & family services, or other resources. Start asking for referrals right away. Stop talking to him about what he does - since it's not sinking in. If he won't go to counseling with you, go without him to start. You need to have some strategies to deal with him.

Good luck.

I am the single mom in this situation - and my first reaction is that you should try to have a relationship with your step-children's mother.

My daughter's entire family (dad and his family, including live-in girlfriend and her son) was just able to spend time with us up at our cabin because of all of us get along so well. So, my lucky daughter gets to see her entire family (step-mom, step-brother, dad, mom) all having fun and relaxing together. We have all worked very hard to have and maintain relationships with one another (and trust me - it isn't always easy) for the sake of the children.

Because we have these relationships, we have also been able to maintain a family tradition with our immediate family. Wednesday nights, my daughter's father, she, and I spend 3-4 hours together as a family. Because of location and where we both live, this is generally at my house. His girlfriend is able to trust all of us because of our relationship, and it maintains security for our daughter.

Also, because of the relationship I have with his girlfriend, *I* include her in invitations - bypassing him completely. If there is an event that she should come to, I simply let her know at the same time that I let him know. She's just on the list of people to invite. It would not be that way if I didn't have a strong relationship with both of them.

So while it may not be easy or comfortable, I really recommend reaching out to your step-children's mother. I think that this will help your marriage, that it will help your relationship with your step-children, and, you might find that you actually like her and get a new friend out of the deal.

Good luck!

WOW!! I so agree with Penny. As I am on the horizon of being in your shoes I was sure to see your question and answer. I have been with my other half (boyfriend sounds so odd when he's in his forties and I in my thirties) for about a year and a half. We spend lots of time with our collective children but I have not, as of yet, been invited to family functions or to meet his ex-wife. I've been talking with him about including me more in his life. I, like you, can't stand being excluded. It makes me crazy. I have contemplated getting in touch with his ex wife and inviting her to a dinner or something so she and I can get to know each other. I don't know if he is the one uncomfortable with us meeting or if she is behind the scenes pulling his strings.

So anyway, if I were you I would continue to see the counselor, even if it's without him. I would contact his ex immediately and just invite her to a simple dinner or coffee or ice cream or whatever. She may think it's odd after all this time but I think any woman who has an ex that's involved with someone else would want to get to know the woman who is around her children. Just tell her you think it's about time the two of you got to know each other and you wish you would've done it sooner. If she refuses, at least you'll have some information. If she accepts, I truly believe the power of the relationship between the two of you can greatly impact the health of your marriage and you being included. I think my other half feels weird about have his girlfriend and his ex wife together in the same place at the same family function. He promised to include me on the next big family get together (which is daunting because that means it's her AND his ENTIRE family, few of which I've met only briefly). But, I think it's really important for us to begin the blending before we can begin to make long term commitments. Your marriage isn't lost by any stretch. I think it's going to take some bold, and maybe scary, moves on your part to reach out to the ex.

Oh...and I'm not surprised your husband hasn't picked up the book. What is it with men and reading?! Mine ASKED me to find him some books and they've been collecting dust for over a year. Keep us posted on how things are going. I'd love to know how it all shakes out.

If you are able to, try to have a relationship with the mom. It's possible hubby's assuming difficulty and being a wuss about it. For the children's sake (and I speak from experience as a child of divorce), if the parents/step parents can be civil, it makes a HUGE different and the kids will hugely appreciate it. Make it clear to her that SHE is the mom, and that you just want to have the best relationship possible with her for the kids sake. You want to be a supportive co-parent, not another "mom". I'm sure the kids feel wierd about it, too. Good luck!

Him having alone time with his older children is ok, in fact it is great. The problem I see is the not telling you and/or leaving you out.

Like you said it may be an issue of him not being comfortable bu it could equally be that his ex has specifically stated not to bring you and he is trying to avoid conflict. I suggest telling him that you want to be a part of his children's lives too and don't want to miss these types of things, you want them to know you are there for them too. Ask him if there is a problem with you attending and go from there.

I would think that if he is married to you then you should be a part of any family function. Its obvious that his children know of you and I'm sure that their mother knows of you so whats' the big deal. If it is to happen again tell him how you feel and get dressed for the occasion. See what his reaction is. Maybe he feels that you may be uncomfortable seeing the other side, since you have no relationship with his ex. It could also be her saying if you are bringing your wife (something you might ask) then dont' come. Its' seems to me it is quite obvious that she is a jealous person and thinks only of herself. Always remember what goes around comes around, and it will.
I dont' think he should be visiting his children in their home, that is truly unfair to you, what is wrong with them coming to yours and his home. Its not like the two of you have just met, you are now husband and wife and will be for a long time. Your husband has to stand up to his ex and say this is it, it works both ways. It sounds like she has the upper hand and he doesn't want to lose his children, which by the way he wont'. They will always love him, maybe this is something he has to be told. Good luck!! Karma works in funny ways. Take care and voice your opinion, you have every right!!

My heart goes out to you, because this is an unhealthy situation for your whole family. If your husband will not listen to you about your concerns, it is vital that you enlist the help of a family counselor - sooner than later. His behavior, while most likely stemming from guilt or discomfort, is very destructive.

You must stand up for yourself and make it clear to your husband that this kind of behavior is no longer going to be tolerated. I know it can be a very difficult thing to do, but please know your feelings about the way he is handling his divorce, his children, and his new marriage is very unhealthy for all of you.

The longer you let it go, the more difficult it will be to have any success blending your family. I have some wonderful ideas about blending families with success that may help you. http://igotmompower.com/archives/category/step-parenting/...

Good luck; feel free to get in touch with me if you need anything.

S. Bruce
Stepparenting & Blended Family Specialist
IGotMomPower.com

I got a question any chance that this ex is not really an ex and he is seeing both her and you? I would feel that way if I was in your shoes. Sure I mean sometimes 1 on 1 time is good for any parent and child but to truly blend families everyone should be able to meet and get along in some form or fashion. I find the suggestions for counciling interesting as it seems everyone wants to use a go between on talking to their other half. Just tell him how much you are hurting and in the long run it hurts your children if they don't get to spend time with their half siblings.. good luck

he really needs to take your feelings into consideration! that is so disrespectful and painful im quite sure.but i must say that if he was doing this before you got married you kind of knew what you were getting into. if can't can't respect your feelings on this issue then maybe you need to really step back and take a look at your marriage. if he wont change and he knows that this is a major issue with you are you sure that you can tolerate this from him while you are married? because if you know that this is going to keep bugging you then you may have to take some drastic measures to help him, help himself! i am not suggesting divorce but sometimes you do have to play tit-for-tat for men to get the point! i have to do that to mine sometimes. i really hope that you guys can work through this because it is VERY unfair to you! and i hope that he will get the picture very soon. you are in my prayers and i wish you the best of luck.

You have a SERIOUS problem. Have you thought about family therapy? this needs to be addressed before it goes on any longer. Your marriage is being jeopardized. I too am a Stepmom but we have always done everything together. Since your husband sees how badly it upsets you and if he values your marriage he will be willing to see a family therapist.

Wow, this is tough because there are so many things that could be going on to result in this situation. Maybe your husband is afraid of his ex finding out and using any small detail about his life with you she can get her hands on against him when it comes to seeing their kids (like if you casually bring up to his ex that you guys went to disneyland a few weeks ago and she raises a stink about him not sending her enough support money "while he is taking his new wife and kids on expensive vacations"). He may still be feeling really guilty for his kids that his marriage to their mom didn't work and he is trying to minimize the reality that he has moved on and married someone else. (This is especially likely since the mother is single- has she been in a relationship since their divorce? Was he the one to initiate the divorce? He may not want to "rub it in his ex's and kid's faces" that he has started a different chapter of his life.) Also, his kids may have privately shared with him that they really hate the fact their parents are divorced, and it is especially worse because now they "have to" accept some new woman (you) in their lives and they think it is really unfair. (Or, his ex could have shared her opinion that this is the case and be using it to guilt him and get back at him for leaving her, assuming that is how their marriage ended.) It could be a combination of all these reasons, plus additional other ones. Overall, it is clear he is highly uncomfortable incorporating you into his children's lives, and that is a problem, no matter how legitimate his fears are. You two REALLY REALLY need to see a professional marriage counselor to work this out. It will probably take a number of conversations to examine why he is uncomfortable and come up with solutions for those.
Whatever you do, tell him how you continue to be hurt for your step-children, the children you two have together and for yourself that he is in the way of them becoming a family. Tell him he is sending your step children a strong, clear message that they are not a part of his current life when he continually leaves you and your children out of their activities. Tell him that even though they (and his ex) might be uncomfortable with your presence at the time, it is important for them to know that their father's wife cares about them and thinks they are important members of YOUR family together, and the only way for you to show that is to BE THERE for them and prove it. Words are cheap, as your husband's many broken promises to you on this issue have proven, and the best way for people to show they care about each other is to be involved with them, and your husband is robbing you of the opportunity to be a good step mom and prove your affection for his children when he purposely leaves you out of their lives. If you make him see how harmful this truly is to his children from his first marraige, he might be more willing to work on this with you. Good luck and don't let him isolate you from his children's lives. The effect of that will last into their adulthood and if you plan to stay together forever, this issue will never go away.

You can't change a man's actions if he doesn't want them to change so stop fussing about it .. it will only push him away. It would be wonderful for him to include you but make YOUR home with him as good as possible and only concentrate on the things you can do something about. If his time with you is fulfilling, loving and comfortable, he'll keep coming home and hopefully the other things will resolve themselves.

that is a tough one i agree with carly, you need to find out why he's not including you and stress that your absense will not help in the long run but only make it worse.

i am a child of divorce, and my dad and step mom both did everything they could to be there; my step dad would ONLY take my step brother and sister out to bfast, or the skate rink or buy her a new shirt and i constantly heard "your kids my kids" well, my mother allowed this to happen, well i'm 27 now, and really have nothing to little to do with my mom and my step dad, they have to call me for my time...my dad and step mom on the other hand, let's just say my mom and i have gotten into it because i call "her" mom even though i call them both mom. i can see why it upsets my mom, but it was perfectly ok when she begged me to call my step dad- dad

long story short, i'd find out why he's not including you and why he's not stressing to his kids that you're a apart of the family, and don't take "i don't know" for an answer.

I think he's lying about it because it's easier than dealing with your reaction tinged with insecurity.
Here's a bit of advice. Get to know his ex and maybe you can all get along with ALL of the kids together?