Son Won't Let Dad Help

Can definitely relate. I am also pregnant with our 2nd baby, our first is currently 14 months old. She loves her daddy, but any need she has or dicomfort or anything she insists on coming to me and not letting daddy do it (whether it's putting her to bed, feeding her solids or her bottle, etc.). But the thing is- I understand our daughter more, I read to her (she is a bookWORM), I'm more patient with her and so forth. I don't think it's some biological mystery- it's that babies are "programmed" to survive and they learn quickly who meets their needs and how. I'm also the one that gets up in the wee hours if she needs something.

My point is- it really isnt so mysterious and un-reachable to change the dynamics. No, men can never be a 2nd mommy, but they can take the time to read that same book for the 7th time in a row, take the baby in the other room if need be in order to feed him/her as the only choice they have, etc. And these are the things we are working on in our parenting. I am also a F/T working mom and now tending to this pregnancy also so we are having big talks about how these things need to change in our household. I suggest your husband & you have some real talks about it. You obviously know your son so think about what it is that builds love and bonding times between you & have your husband start there (i.e. is it playing with animals and imitating their noises, trains, etc) then move on to the need type stuff. And honestly, you may need to "dissapear" such as going to a remote room (and DON'T go rescue) or go take a wal/run an errand. If you are both consistent with it, the dynamic will definitely change b/c your son's understanding of how he can make it in this world will be broadened. Best wishes, N.

PS It has definitely been working for us. Not totally there yet, but absolutely a note-able difference in how much she resists her dad's help. And the irony of it all, then our newborns will come and we'll be so focused on meeting his/her needs that it's almost guaranteed that the dynamic will shift yet again to the opposite pole. And then we'll once again work on re-balancing it. Law of the land I guess.

it think the last three words are the secret to your son't not wanting Daddy to do it. "pregnant with second" Kids understand far more than we realize. Just find time to sit down with him every day and spend one on one time playing with his cars or whatever his favorite thing to do is. I used to sit and color with my kids. We would talk about kids things. He probably needs reassurance that Mommy is still going to be his Mommy when the baby comes. He also could be going through the Mommy stage where he wants Mommy and Mommy only, in that case, he will go through a stage where he only wants Daddy. Normal for all children. It is a time when they identify with that part of thier personalitiy and develope how they will treat people outside the home and in future relationships by the way your relationship is nurtured. Very important growing personality time. Have fun. Remember they are only small once, and one day they will not want Mommy to help them, they will be too big for that. Happens with girls too.

Hi J.,

It's very difficult for a 3 year old to make Mommy and Daddy equal. As my children were growing, they would go thru phases where they would want mommy to do everything then a week later they would want daddy to do everything.

There was a phase when they would "assign" each parent a duty. Mommy helps me get dressed in the morning, Daddy reads me a story at bedtime.

Some thoughts on why this may be happening:

You indicate you work. Is this full time? Were you a SAHM at one point? Maybe your son is used to having you fill these rolls and is having some difficulty adjusting.

Women tend to have a softer voice and touch. Your son may just prefer your way of doing things.

You mention your pregnant - Congratulations. Your son may just want your attention.

My suggestion is for you and hubby to try to team up and both help him at the same time. For example, getting ready to leave the house, tell him daddy will help you put on your shoes and then mommy will zipper your coat. I know, easier said then done.

Good luck.

I would love to say that it's just a phase, but for us it seems to just be the way it's going to be...
My 3-1/2 year old got a new brother when he was 20 months old, and he started the "mommy do it" phase toward the end of my pregnancy. It has continued to today (I had a 3rd child a couple months ago and he's gotten a little worse). It hurts my husband's feelings so much, not to mention that it would help me tremendously if he could let dad brush his teeth at night, or put his shoes on for preschool, etc, but these are the things mom has always done before the new baby, so we decided to kindof let him "keep" these things since he has to make so many other adjustments.
I think its helped that we've added a special story time for him and dad after the regular bedtime routine to give the two of them some alone time. Also, my husband will take him out for "big boys trips" - sometimes they'll take the Firemen donuts and climb the trucks, sometimes they go to the park, and sometimes they just go to 7-11 for Slurpees.
It took my husband a long time to realize that it wasn't personal, and once he started adding new things that they could do together they really started to bond.
Now, the 2nd son is a total daddy's boy and goes along to their "big boy trips" (even cries for dad when he's hurt).
Good luck to you and your pregnancy!

We have the same problem with our 3 1/2 year old son.
The advice I have read here, and other places, have been to be gone more, and leave your son and father to have fun and figure things out together.
I am trying to "leave them" alone at home too, when we are all here. I can say - Mommy has "to make this phone call", or "cook this" or "do this or that" and then I will come join them. It is working most of the time (often with a little bit of screaming in the beginning). I have also told my son, when he is really rude and says mean things to his father, that he is making his father, and mommy very sad.
The more time his father spends with him (with or without me) it gets easier. If he (my husband) is gone a couple of days it gets worse again.
I am trying to be patient but sometimes it is really bothersome.
Good luck to you!
U.

J.,

My daughter did the same thing. My husband looked at me one day and said "Why does she hate me!!" It broke my heart. I think with some kids they just gravitate to one parent for a while and then in time it changes. It could just be that right now mommy is his world. One thing I would do is send him to daddy when he asks you for something and just say mommy is busy right now can you please let daddy help you. Try to make a plan and say mommy and daddy like to take turns too just like you and your friends do at school. And when its time for him to get dressed just say today its daddy's turn. My daughter wouldn't even let her dad make her breakfast. She said he didn't cut her french toast like I did, he really couldn't do anything right in her eyes it was terrible so I understand how you feel. She is now nineteen and goes to each of us for different things. Me mostly for money and daddy when she is in a jam (HA HA). Point is as parents we each play a very important role in our kids lives and at some point they may go to one more then the other. Try to tell your hubby not to get his feelings hurt in time things will turn around.

It will pass, my 5th son does this when his older brother's try to help him...tell your husband not to give in and tell your son Daddy is helping Mommy when he helps you...All my son's went through this "power struggle" he just wants a part of the "control" and with a baby on the way it's probably magnified a bit. I've said it a million times and I will say it a million more...3 (and 4) is a hard age they are too big to be little and too little to be big...give him chores and his behavior will improve, he just wants to feel helpful and important and chores are a good way to do this...he can make his bed(it may not look made but it's the effort, not the result), set and clear his place at the table,sort socks, feed the pet,put his clothes in his drawers(again sometimes I wonder why I bother folding them first...but it's a great habit to start young)depending on how you feel he can even clean the bathroom(those toliet wands are a young boys dream come true)and I use green products that are safe for my kids to touch and breathe in and they love to help with the bathrooms and kitchen, sweep the floor...and so much more!(I have 5 boys...9,8,6,5 today, and 2 and they all do these things) Now I got way off track, but it will get better, tell Daddy to hang in there!

Hi J.,

First let me say I am not a Freudian.. I think the man was nuts! But that said, there is this thing around the age of 3 or so when a child forms a strong attachment to the parent of the opposite sex, and seems to despise the same-sex parent. Call it Oedipus/Electra complex or whatever you loke. The bottom line is that it's normal. Don't over respond to it. Don't feel guilty.rejected. Honestly things will shift soon, and you'll be odd girl out and wondering what happened to your doting son.

Val

Hi J., Even though people say it's normal for kids to behave this way, it's really a struggle and can be painful for the rejected parent. Here are some of the things we have done in our house that you may find helpful. My husband is also very involved and we have 2 kids, 23 months and 9 months old. Our older one (son) has a strong preference for Daddy. Every child is different - our son's preference was always there and my 2nd pregnancy was not the cause of this.

- when Daddy is trying to do something with/for your son and your son insists on Mommy, don't give in and take over; show your son that you trust Daddy to do it right and cheer him on (in some cases, it's better if you're leaving the room at these tantrum points so your husband can struggle with your son by himself)
- Each of you spend alone time out of the house with your son, doing fun stuff. While out, talk about how much fun it is to spend time with your son (and have your husband do the same when it's his turn)
- make sure you are showing affection with your husband in front of your son so he sees that you love each other and respect each other
- take alone time for yourself and leave your son home with Daddy (also have Daddy do that same)
- if your son does any night waking or early mornings, have Daddy get up with him, instead of you. You need your rest anyway!

These things have helped us "equalize" things in our house. By the way, we both work full time too. Good luck, and congratulations on your pregnancy!

Do not worry it will all change when baby comes. Our first son wanted nothing to do with daddy , but when our second was born he had to ask daddy for help since I was busy with baby. Now he is such a daddy's boy....he does not want mommy:(

I've always found that kids yo yo back and forth between their parents. At times it's only mommy and other times it's all about daddy. Maybe you could plan a couple daddy and son activities such as a few crafts at home or some fun outings. Even running errands with a stop off for a daddy and son lunch could help.

My son in law currently thinks that his 2nd son hates him. Nate has made a couple comments about 'why does daddy have to live here all the time?' and 'couldn't we leave him home just once?' At 3 1/2 they have a vocabulary to express themselves. I told my sil to wait a few months and Nate will be his buddy again.

If you're pregnant, all kinds of things are running through your son's mind. With me, I couldn't do a lot of lifting/holding/playing on the floor -- so my son reacted to me being "available" to the baby in my tummy but not to him. (Though there was one time we were reading on the couch that the older son bumped my belly just as the in utero baby kicked -- they actually kicked each other!)

My suggestion would be to take a 15-minute timer and spend a focused 15 minutes with your son each day, at the same time each day, maybe even doing the same activity each day. I know you already spend far more than 15 minutes with him, but this is a structure, a routine, that lets him know you're still his. That could free him up to let Daddy help out. (And you can consider -- carefully -- having those 15 minutes as a reward/positive consequence for being nice to daddy and letting daddy help. But that would be the last resort -- your son should know that those 15 minutes are some of your favorite minutes of the day.)

After our baby was born, our older son was 3, and we got a container of foam stickers, and each night before dinner spent 15 minutes putting them on construction paper together. His behavior improved greatly when this became routine, because it was a sign that mommy was still his mommy, the baby didn't change that.

And, as I put in nearly every post, I recommend the book The Portable Pediatrician. She gives great guidance on pretty much everything, birth to age 5.

I am going through the exact same thing. Before my baby was born my then 2 year old wants nothing to do with daddy. Mommy do it was all I heard even when my husband was trying to give me break towards the end of the pregnancy. After the baby was born it's a whole different story. Everything is daddy do it, don't like mommy, mommy go away, etc... It was nice at first since I could take care of our son without her crying for mommy but 6 months later and I would like to get back to our old routine where each night my husband and I take turn putting her to bed and she wouldn't have it. Only daddy do it. I still try but no luck yet so hang in there and enjoy as much as you can as frustrating as it can be sometimes for both you and your husband.

Hi J.,

I am going through a similar situation except it's me that my daughter doesn't want. She is 1 1/2 and prefers that my husband do everything for her instead of me. She even pushes me away from him when my husband tries to hug me or sit next to me. My husband and I are working parents and we both get our seperate time with her since I am with all night and he is with her all morning. When he isn't home she is my shadow, but the minute he comes home she wants me to leave. I think it's sweet that she is a daddy's girl but sometimes I feel like she doesn't like me.

We have different parenting styles, I am more organized and try to get down to her level to to play with her and console her, where my husband will pick her up more and is much more relaxed than me. He is a wonderful father and husband, I couldn't ask for a better partner to raise a family with.

I was told that this is just a stage and she will change as she gets older and swing back and fourth. I hope that will be the case because it currently makes me feel like a bad mom, when I do everything in my power to love her and nurture her and spend as much time with her as I can. I adore her and I just wish we had a similar bond, and I wasn't so jealous of his.

Hi J.,
Kids go through stages of one parent being preferred over the other. Your son also may be sensing things about the baby coming and wanting more of your time. I would say to give hubby more time alone with son - have him be the only one home at dinner, bath time, bedtime, so that your son doesn't have another choice of who's going to do those routines with him. He's young for reasoning but you may need to try telling him, "I'm busy doing something else so Daddy needs to read your story/fix your toy/set up your dvd" - it's not too early to let him know that you aren't always available and ready to drop everything if there's someone else who can help him with what he needs
Good luck