Son in Spectrum High Functioning Is Very Disrespectful

Surely it would be the right
consequence to send the friends home as soon as he or the friends show disrespect!

However, if you just warn him but don't finally stand to your words he will continue to ignore you.

It seems to me that you are not consistent with your parenting and he is using that to his advantage.

At the next situation I would not warn him but would call immediately the parents of his friends and ask to pick them up! The best effect it will be if they all can hear you.

Send him in is room and do not let him communicate or let him start to negotiate with you to change your mind until his friends have left your home. It is self speaking that he is off the computer for a week.

I am sure that all will take care of the issue. However, he also will start to treat you with more respect.

Give it a try!
Let us know how it worked out.

I never heard of behavioral issues "running in the family" without it being a purely disciplinary issue. There is no genetic component to bad behavior. Usually, parents repeat what their parents did. If it's more prevalent in boys than in girls, my guess is that there are different standards as to what is acceptable.

You might consider other disciplinary techniques besides "talking to him" - it's not "holding" from one moment to the next. The talk is too far removed from the incidents in question, and he doesn't have any consequences. A 9 year old is perfectly capable of tuning out a parent - and wait until he's 11 and 13 and 16 when it becomes much worse if you don't deal with it now.

I think it's sad that the most you can say is that "at times he is even loving and sweet" - you really need to have much higher expectations and appreciation. I think once a month with a therapist is not enough in this case (in most cases) and he needs more regular sessions with you also working with the therapist for a more productive parenting approach for this child.

Your plan of sending his friend(s) home if he (or they) curse is a good one. I have done this...my son's friend was over and I heard him say "f***". I told him no cursing in our house and sent him home. He was shocked and so was my son. He never cursed again that I have ever heard. I have to remind my son of this rule at times. Middle school boys do seem to think it is cool to say curse words at my son's school...he tells me how bad it gets in the halls. We talk about how young people often think it's cool to curse when really it leaves others with a bad impression. We also talk about how there are much more intelligent ways to get your feelings across. It sounds like your son is simply being "cool" around his friends and is excited around them and let's it all fly! This is very normal!

I think that I would call his friends' mothers and tell them that you are having this problem. Say to them that some of the kids do it when they are together and they seem to think that it's cool. So please understand that I will send him to his room and send the kids who are also doing it home.

Ask the mothers to be understanding with you on this so that you can teach your son better. Hopefully they will. If not, I would not allow him to have his friends over. He has to learn somehow.

Have you ever consulted a behavior specialist? Our 8 year old is on the Autism Spectrum, but this diagnosis is new (November 2016). Prior to that we had many behavioral issues and school and eventually transferred to a specialized school. The principal at the time was a behavior specialist, and she was wonderful with him. She gave us some wonderful tips on different things to try. She also said something to me that I will never forget. "I only have to wait 1 second longer than he does." Our son is very strong willed, and we were quite discouraged. We tried to wait him out so many times and definitely found out he was stronger willed than I was sometimes!

I think you have a good plan. Remind him of the expectations before a friend comes over (or before you go to an event or whatever), and then be prepared with immediate consequences.

You mentioned that you " talked to him how wrong this is that there are other ways to seem cool ... " Does that usually work with him? I'm asking, because it's fairly common for kids on the Autism Spectrum to have trouble with empathy and with relating to others. My son recently hurt his cousin, and when her mom said, "How do you think she felt?" he very honestly said that he didn't know. But he does respond to "That's the rule." Sometimes we can "explain" the rules and understands and does great. Other times I tell him that it's just the rule, and he accepts that.

We have come a long way with our little man, and it feels good. But it's also quite overwhelming, because it makes me start to realize just how much we have to learn!

Cursing doesn't "run in families", except insofar as children modeling the behavior of adults around them.

Your son needs some strong male role models who behave like gentlemen while still being "cool". Have you thought about enrolling him in a Big Brothers group, Boy Scouts, something similar?

If the cursing were saying "oh fudge" (but not fudge) when he drops something, that's not as bad and using a curse word to label and disrespect someone, as in "you're a f-ing idiot" The first one is crass, and if used all the time shows a lack of maturity, lack of intelligence and self-control, and turns people off from wanting to be around you. These are things to have a conversation with him about at a time his friends are not visiting. It is also something that most kids start experimenting with in their peer group as they hear others talk this way. It is attention-seeking, and trying to look cool, and trying to fit in. Yes, I would talk to him about this kind of cursing, and that this is not something he can develop into a regular habit around home, because you don't want to hear it. The second one is disrespectful, rude, and completely unacceptable. It THAT kind of cursing came out when he has a friend over. I would apologize to his friend and explain that it is not his (the friend's) fault, but that you have to end the visit now. Then call the parent, bring or send the friend home. Before your son can invite this friend over again, I would tell him he needs to apologize to both the friend and the friend's parent for behaving disrespectfully and causing his visit to end abruptly and sooner than planned. Your son can tell them that he will make sure that doesn't happen again if friend's parent allows him a chance to come over again