Why is the 14 yo. calling the shots anyway? What about the other kid's parents?
She thinks it's no problem because she is a child...and children don't know very much.
My 14 year old daughter wants to have 3 kids over from school to work on a project, but the issue at hand is this - one of the 3 teens is a boy (the other two girls). She wants to have them all stay over for a sleepover at our house. My daughter tells me this boy is not a pervert and is very nice, but I still have reservations about having 3 teen girls and one teen boy sleeping over all in the same room. I would like your advice on this, what you think is the right thing to do.....She keeps bugging me saying she thinks its no problem, but I have never been in this situation before. Thanks for your advice.
Update: Thank you all for your replies, the overwhelming response was NO way in hell.... the truth is I agree fully with that, but it seems having a teen daughter in this day and age, she often twists things to make me feel like my choices are not correct for the era we live in - you would think I lived during prehistoric times by the way I get these looks from her. I just wanted a confirmation that what I was feeling about this (a big no) was o.k. and not 'outdated' or something. Thanks for your support on this.....
Why is the 14 yo. calling the shots anyway? What about the other kid's parents?
She thinks it's no problem because she is a child...and children don't know very much.
NEVER!!! Even if they are all nice, great kids that would never do anything wrong, why put them in that situation. No sleepovers equals no drama or risk of anything happening. And trust me, things happen... even to good kids!!
Even if he had a room to himself, NO!!
Even if you knew without a doubt that NOTHING would happen: NO!!
There would be NO END to the rumors and gossiping spread through their school.....
A co-ed sleep over was how my 15 year old niece got pregnant!!!! Her parents were cool too!!
This doesn't make any sense to me. Even if it were a WORK project that's not necessary to have ANYBODY sleep over.
I see more goofing off going on than anything hence making this even MORE pointless.
HUGE EDIT...I just read some of your past questions. ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME? That kid seems to be driving you crazy and you THINK this is even an OPTION with her past behavior? She'd be LUCKY to even have ONE friend over for more than TWO HOURS. This is the kind of stuff that lands people on "Dr. Phil" and who wants THAT?!
No way, no how. I do agree that you can let your daughter know that you do trust her, but that this is just not an appropriate scenario. I can't believe any other moms would let their daughters stay there knowing this. I know I wouldn't let my daughter. Your daughter hasn't done anything wrong, I'm sure she does think it's fine. That's why you get to be the mom! :-)
I'm failing to make the "working on a project" to "sleepover" connection in my brain!!!
I remember being 14......... and uhm.... NO WAY should the he sleep over. It's not about him being a 'pervert', there are some little girls out there just as bad. I'm not saying anything bad about your daughter I'm just saying, boys aren't the only ones that can have thoughts of the opposite sex. And it's not about trusting your daughter. They're kids. Good luck.
OH wow...I am surprised that you are even giving this a moments consideration!!! Why on earth would you willingly put your daughter and 3 other teenagers in a position that would obviously put pressure on them...and would somehow make them think that you would giving silent approval to going "the next step"? Believe me...children grow up quickly enough today without their parents helping to shove them up the slope a little quicker!!!
Tell her NO...end of discussion...and if she asks why...tell her Because you are the Parent and you said so!!!
Awwww, helllllll nooooooo!!!
Over my dead body - SHE might think it's not a problem, but she's being very naive. Would your parents have allowed it for you? What does her father think? And what about the parents of the other girls?
You need to just be the parent and tell her no way, no how - don't let her create any self-doubt in your mind. Boy can come over for "working on the project" but he needs to go home for the night. Just the girls should stay.
"The problem with putting kids in the drivers seat is they make lousy drivers."
ETA: My husband had sex for the first time as a 13 year old boy. And he wasn't a pervert either - just a normal 13 year old boy, given the opportunity.
I can't believe you would even consider this. The answer at my home would be an absolute NO. Something seems fishy to me. No teen girl would act like it was "no problem" to have a boy spend the night. Don't beg for trouble. Don't let teens be tempted. It never turns out well.
To answer your question, in a word, "No." Even staying in the same room with them (and awake ALL night until they were all up in the morning), there would be rumors to deal with for who knows how long about so and so sleeping with this boy at 14...not a good thing for anyone's reputation. And what do you think the other moms would say if you presented a coed sleepover to them?!
No, no, NO!
Abso-frigging-lutely not. It just sets a bad precedent.
My two oldest are both 13 (boy/girl "step twins") and we don't allow them to have friends sleep over on the same night and when one has a friend over, they sleep in our playroom downstairs while the other sleeps in the room they share upstairs.
There's just too much risk of something inappropriate and I think it's really important to set very specific boundaries at this age. I mean kids this age have oral sex on the school bus or in the bathrooms at school...allowing a group to be in the same room overnight is just asking for trouble.
I see you already have 53 other responses, but I just wanted to add my 2 cents.
NO WAY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH WOULD I EVEN CONSIDER THIS, UNLESS YOU ARE READY TO BE A GRANDMA!
Ummm. NO! Even if you did go for it, I would be SHOCKED that 3 other parents of teens that would go for it, too. Not saying that kids can't be trusted, but why take a chance with something that could have SERIOUS ramifications!?!?!
Are you going to consider letting her drink, smoke, do drugs because she bugs you? Take a stand. Your daughter will thank you when she becomes a mom....hopefully once she becomes an adult.
Sorry if I came off harsh. Just so shocked. I know too many teenage MOMS.
No way. Boys will NEVER be allowed to sleep over at our house with our granddaughter and her friends! You cannot control what happens after you fall asleep. Besides, I can just see that setting a precedence. Thereafter, I know she would ask again and if I said no, I would hear "but you said yes last time." Nope, wouldn't happen at my house. The boy can come over and work on the project, but when they're done, either his parents pick him up or you drive him home. By the way, I wouldn't let my granddaughter sleep over someone else's house if there were going to be boys staying also.
You need to tell your daughter that this is not acceptable. If you let her call the shots and tell YOU what is no problem, you will have this issue over and over for the next 4 years, at least, and you won't be able to put the brakes on because you gave in to her at 14.
Just because she wants it, doesn't mean she gets it. Practice saying this to yourself over and over.
When she starts dating and wants to take her boyfriend up into her bedroom and shut the door, what are you going to do? She will say "Mooooommm, all the kids do this - there's nothing wrong with it."
Put your foot down and tell her to drop it. You need to be a STRONG mom of a teen so you don't end up a strong grandmother to boot.
The first question i'd be asking is: why does *anyone* have to stay overnight?
You are the Mom.
You decide where the boy sleeps and even IF he is allowed to stay over. This is your house.
Your daughter, does not decide. The boy's parents... decide.
She is ONLY 14.
The right thing to do is: tell her stop nagging you, she is not the parent nor the boy's parent and she does not decide.
The boy, CAN go home that same night after they work on their project.
That is usually what is done.
I did projects in school with mixed groups.
That didn't mean, it was an instant sleep-over. It.was.a.school.project.
You have the reins.
I know you already have loads of answers. But let me just say that for those thinking you have to let go the leash or let it out, well this is true but this situation doesn't fit for letting the leash out. SHE IS 14! If you start letting the leash out in a situation like this, what's next? It seems the girl is using the project for an excuse or reason. This shouldn't even be a question. Even the girls don't really have to spend the night just because they're working on a project. Of course she's bugging you, she thinks she'll wear you down. This shouldn't be up for discussion. ~ Hope it all works out for the best
Not only 'No!" but if it were my son, I would not be allowing it, either.
They can work on the project, then sleep at their own homes, and come back after breakfast.
Very bad idea on many levels.
I am very shocked your even considering this! Unless your a very open, everything is love and light hippy type (which is fine if that is your choice! ) . I have no idea what part of this made you think that perhaps it would be ok. That is what I think.
Big, fat NO! Once you allow this to happen with this so called, "nice guy", you're setting yourself up to your daughter that this is ok for anybody. What would you say to her if she starts dating him or another boy and she asks again for a male sleepover? That situation makes me very uncomfortable.
Sorry, she'd have to wait until she's 18 and/or moved out of your house to have a sleepover with a guy.
NO, not good.
I think a reputation around school would evolve from curdled, idle gossip. "Did you know Ralph slept with _________?" <--(insert daughters name here).
She can have guys spend the night in her home when she moves out.
Something similar came up with my 17 year old daughter. And my answer was HELL NO! End of discussion. Period. The end!
I'm a pretty open-minded individual, but I'm thinking "no".
I think it would be different if this was based around a specific group of kids. For example, if they were all part of a team and so there was a bit of boy/girl parity, and it was a team sleepover. With plenty of supervision.
And I'll be clear here: the big reason I suggest saying no is because if you do allow boys to sleep over as part of an exclusive group of friends, you may have a harder time when she becomes romantically interested in boys. Once it's normalized that boys are okay for a sleepover, it may be very difficult to go backward on this. This also eliminates any gossip or suspicions that something is going on that shouldn't.
I know all this sounds horribly gender-based, even to myself. However, being the mom of a boy, the way I see it, he can have playdates and daytime company with girls as he gets older, but overnights? No way. I would be very hard pressed to have a girl sleeping over at our home that wasn't a relative. Perhaps you could allow the boy to come over for a fun evening, and then offer to drive him home at a reasonable hour. This way, he doesn't need to be entirely excluded and you can sleep well.
I would say no and it would be the end of the discussion. Asking the other parents wouldn't change my mind, either. I say go with your gut.
That's a big fat NO! Kids are so good at making you feel unreasonable, aren't they? Why do they need a sleepover at all to work on a school project?
Let me say one thing...nice boy or otherwise at 14 boys a big walking hormones. Girls find it "fun" to tease, not understanding the full scope of boys emotion either and it is BAD situation, as I said nice or otherwise they are all walking, talking, hormones. One recent example: my grandson and I were being hosted by a family with a teenage girl. One minute she loathes the idea of spending time with him, and in front of her friends was just too much to ask! Next minute she comes out of the shower wearing nothing but a pair of underware and tiny tee with no bra. Admittedly, we were in another country where they are less Puritanical in nature, BUT she was beinga tease and she knew EXACTLY what she was doing. He didn't take the bait and look twice or get all flustered etc., BUT he had not even begun to hit the second stage of sexual maturity.
Furthermore, YOU must be the parent and her thoughts are irrelevant. She is a teen and still learning. Teens also have the NEED to push boundries and take chances, You need to make hard lines now, EVEN if she doesn't like it. She may look back and thank you one day when she herself is a mother and faced with a similar situation.
Stand your ground Mom. No, is sometimes a complete sentance!
Best of luck!
uh, no. no way. not happening on my watch.
My answer will probably be the only one like it....And I have not read head.
My parents were very conservative. They tried to parent with a tight leash...We pushed them away.
For whatever reason when we were teens....Co-ed sleepovers where there was more then one kid....other then myself..or in your case three, it was ok.
Their reasoning for it, we were always at my parents house. With their supervision.
In order for you to gain good trust with your daughter....you have to let the leash out. she is asking to do it under your roof. With other people. For a project. She has given you boundaries and you hold her to them. They have to be working on the related project. Given they can take a break here and there for a snack and a brain relaxer.
she is being honest with you.
I would give her the benefit of the doubt...and run with it. Make sure you make your presence known to them the whole time...
My parents went with it. I was a handful for many other reason, then boys sleeping over. I think my mom is thankful, in that respect because I was home. It was not until My dad came back home(after living and working out of state)the sleepovers stopped and lost me altogether.
Not saying that this sleepover is going to make or break your relationship, but just showing there is some ''go with the flow'' that has to happen in life sometimes....This is where you start picking your battles.
The battles that are still to come will make a simple sleepover look like a cake walk.
Maybe start by talking to the other girls parents to see what they think. I wouldn't want them to be all upset by finding out a boy was there and you never mentioned it to them. Actually, I think it's okay...besides the girls outnumber the boy.
No, is what I think. Just ask your SO what goes through the mind of a 14 year old boy - he's been one.
We have allowed mixed parties, but at 10:30 the boys go home and they are in the main areas of the house, not in anybody's room. SD also knows that we won't allow her to stay at a party overnight that has boys (some exceptions made for brothers if we know the family well) so she just doesn't ask.
There are also things (like this) where we tell SD that our answer is x. If she keeps pushing for y, she will get z (like no boy at all or no sleepover). We do not appreciate being nagged when we say no.
seems weird that it would even be a question. NO,No, NOOOO! First of all what is the purpose of sleeping over and why would it be in the same room? not sure how old ur, but do you want to be a Grandma anytime soon? We all were teens once and no matter what, it is not setting a good example by any means and u would feel to blame if something bad would occur.
No. I wouldn't be OK with that unless you already know the boy really well and are confident he is gay ;-) (my best friend was gay at school and obviously still is)
Absolutely not! Even if nothing did happen, what if someone claimed it did later down the road? Unlikely, but possible. I'm sure your daughter's trying to convince you its a good idea, that's their job as teenagers lol
I'd say NO WAY. She can have co-ed sleepovers when she gets her own place.
What are they going to do, drug you and have an orgy? I wouldn't worry about a group like this but it is kind of strange to want to work on an overnight project. Meh, maybe she is trying to appear cool or something.
I had a lot of the dance after parties when my older daughter was in high school. No one ever even tried to have sex. Okay I think a couple couples "slept" together. By slept I mean sleeping.
Unless he is gay, there is no way I would allow it.
Last weekend we were at my uncles and he has a 15 yr old son a month older than my son and his 15 yr old gf was over and they were watching a movie in his room with the door shut and the light off. I couldn't believe my uncle let my cousin do that! I would never allow that to happen in my house!! That little "sleepover" wouldn't happen either. Why put the temptation there? Good luck mama
I'll join the "no way in he**" camp. In fact, we've stopped sleepovers all together for our kids. Too many things can happen.
Haha, I'm sorry to laugh but I had not one but two guy friends sleep over while we were in high school.
They were both gay.
Of course, it wasn't out in the open at the time, but we all knew it (parents included, which is why it wasn't a big deal.)
In any case, if a guy wants to sleep over with three girls there is a good chance he IS just one of the girls ;)
This has not come up at my house - I have a 15 year old son. But, if I knew all the kids and knew that none of them were BF/GF, I would probably allow it. But, I would have the girls and boys sleep in separate rooms.
We often had co-ed parties when i was growing up - my father made his presence known, and everyone had to stay in the living room. We were good kids.
Just make sure all the other parents are on board and know that it will be boys and girls.
I already ready your update and glad to see you are going to make the right choice! There are so many reasons not to allow it (other girls' moms could be furious if they found out, sets a bad example for your daughter, etc) and you don't have to feel guilty about not showing her you trust her. Protecting her and raising her right is more important than that.
I'm not saying your daughter is doing this, but this totally sounds like something I would have concocted at 14 if I were trying to pull something. Like if I or one of the girls liked this boy or if there was something else up.
It wouldn't bother me. They are unlikely to have an orgy, and I trust my kids. I see you have received a lot of answers, and I'm going to guess most of them don't like the idea.
But -- you would have to get the okay from the other parents.
If he were a family friend and could sleep in the room with her brothers, then maybe. But, as presented, no. We do some family sleep overs, where we will have all manner of boys/girls/teens sleeping here, but their parents are usually here, and the boys sleep on one floor together, and the girls are on another floor and together. We sometimes even kick the boys out to the RV if we have too many for beds. We sometimes have upwards of 25 people spending the night on occasion (New Year's Eve, Labor Day weekend, etc.). If we don't know a person AND his/her parents, we don't ever do a sleepover with them under any circumstances (boy or girl).
I would probably allow it under a few conditions:
1. The boy sleeps in the guest room and NO visits after lights out.
2. All the parents are aware and totally on board with the plan.
3. YOU personally know all the kids involved and don't get any 'bad vibes' from any of them.
Honestly, I'd have a harder time allowing a co-ed sleepover with 17 year olds rather than 14 year olds.
Unless yoU're sleeping with them, no. Years ago when I taught, I got handed the yearbook sponsorship. I had the teenage staff over to spend the night, and we only had one guy, but I never left them alone! I also talked to his mom beforehand as well as the other parents. So, if they're all going to be in the basement while you're upstairs, I wouldn't, but if ALL parents are okay with it, and you're going to be around them most of the time - sure.
I think that you need to let your daughter have a new experience that will show her that you trust her. Most of the other moms out there who are commenting on this and are saying "no," don't realize that if you know your daughter and her girl friends and trust them, you shouldn't let this bother you. If he is gay then there is no problem at all, if he is not or you are not sure let them all stay in a central room where you can walk through whenever you want. I think this is a good experience for your daughter to bond with her friends, and she is getting a school project done, so yes.
My daughter had male friends sleep over and there was never any incident.
I think that it is perfectly fine to have him over. If your daughter says that he is a "nice" boy, you need to give her experience by trusting her to let her grow up. It will be fine, just make rules at the beginning of the party/school get together to let everyone know what you will be expecting. It shouldn't be a problem if they are all good friends and if it is a small group.
I would say the boy can stay until 11:00 or so, and if you want, the girls can sleep over or leave at 11:00 as well. I would not need comfortable with a 14 year old boy sleeping over with girls.
I don't see the problem.
Do something like have them all sleep in the living room. Then they are in a "public space" of the house and you or your partner or anyone could walk in at any time.
I would be more concerned if their were an even number of guys and girls, or if there were pairings going on, like she likes this boy and the 2 girls like each other...
That would make me nervous, but it sounds like a group of friends, maybe you (and she) will be lucky and he is gay.
Every girl needs a gay guy friend :)
negative! the ONLY way is that if there were teen boys and girls sleeping over at my house would be if i had twins a boy and a girl and they both wanted to have sleep overs and id have the boys on one level and girls on the other level and dad stays with the boys and mom with the girls or they take shifts to make sure they dont go up or downstairs
Unless you plan to keep your peepers peeled on them until 7 a.m. the very next day, I would say absolutely not.
Sleepovers in general are just stupid and unnecessary. I would definitely not allow a co-ed one. Ever.
I know you resolved this, but I just wanted to advoacate for your daughter that this may not be a bad idea. It could possibly be an innocent study group among a bunch of platonic friends. I wouldn't let them stay in the same room- or maybe stay in the living area where you can keep in an eye on them, or just the boy sleeps in the living room by himself. I would also call all the parents to tell them what is going on to make sure they are okay with it too. I think it's okay to have friends, and even sleepovers, with the oppostie sex, depending on the kids in question. The issue is that you have to really know the kids- do the girls sincerely only see him as a study mate and vice versa. I used to do things like this in high school (and the truth is it wasn't always innocent). But the fact is that kids are going to do those things we don't approve of if they have a will to. My parents figured, which I think was smart, that they would rather I tell them what's going on and have an adult nearby and semi-supervising, then risk me thinking they were too strict and then sneaking off to have those experiences.
That would be no. No girl/boy sleepovers, even if they are just friends and even if the boy slept in another room. I have teens, and this is when you get to be the parent, you get to determine if it's a problem and you do not want to set a precedent that will come back and bite you in the a** later. The boy needs to be picked up at a certain time and the girls can sleep over
You already got your answers and I would agree that its a big fat NO to the sleep over with the boy and yes to to studying together in the main area of the house until 11:00 pm when the boy is picked up by this parents. I wonder have you talked to all the kids parents about this? Well I can tell you what I pulled at 15. I told my parents that I had a sleep over at my friends house which was true to a point. I stayed at my friends house for about an hour until my boyfriend got there to pick me up and then I spent the night with him instead. My parents never called the other parents ahead to find out about the nights plans etc. and if my story was true so they never knew any of my crazy plans. Now that I'm a mom you better believe I'd be giving a quick call to other parents to check in. Good luck!
OH HELL NO!
Love your update :)
I know you made your decision already but I just literally came across this today. I am in the majority and say he## to the no. This is a no-brainer. In no way, shape or form would I allow co-ed sleepover at any age. Allowing this type of thing will complicate things. You need to be her mom not her friend. So what she doesn't like the rules. It beats being a grandmother pre-maturely. I think this is part of the reason we have so many issues with our youth today because we want to be their friend instead of their parents. And besides, what is the need to spend the night anyways. It's a school project that should be done awake not asleep.
Only if you know the boy so well, and you like him. But if you dont know the boy , then ask one of your trusted son or daughter to watch them. But kids will not do anything because they dont know a lot of stuff.