Skin Color? - Woodbridge,VA

Well, you didn't mean anything by it, and she knew you didn't mean anything by it.
She merely let you know what her preference is with regard to referring to her child.
There's no reason to walk on eggshells.
She might be a little sensitive due to postpartum or not.
I have a distant relative who goes balistic if anyone calls her Karen.
Her name is spelled Karin and she wants it pronounced Kah-rin or she'll give you an earful.

Well, when someone is kind enough to reveal to me what their sensitive issues are, I'm grateful. No guesswork, and I have a pretty good idea what sorts of things not to say to them. Why not just thank her for being so forthright, and ask her to let you know if anything you say bothers her? She'll know your intentions are the best.

We all have our touchy areas. Some of us fume and suffer inwardly when our boundaries get crossed. Some of us express our needs more freely. Either way it's not up to other people to decide whether we should or shouldn't be sensitive in any given area.

I don't think she is going overboard or anything. She just asked you to call her kid by his name. Nothing more.
No need to walk on eggshells, just call him by his given name!
I may respond back to her email with a "oh my god, I am so sorry! I totally didn't mean any offense and hope that you did not take it that way. He is adorable"
L.

I suggest that neither one of you has a complex. She's be open and honest with you by asking you to not call her baby a chocolate chip. Be honored that she feels comfortable enough with you to let you know what is important to her.

She's directly told you what she would like for you to do. No need to walk on eggshell's. You know what she wants. Can you be confident enough in yourself to accept her request knowing that she will, in a friendly way, let you know if you do or say anything to which she's sensitive. She's not mad. She's just stating her wishes.

And....I'd be relieved to have a friend tell me such things. It would mean I could also share my sensitivities with her.

I think your friend has asked nicely -- I don't think she's overly sensitive and I don't think you've intended any offence, and she knows that. So be grateful you have friend who can tell you her preferences nicely. Eggshells is when they blow up and yell at you when you never knew you were offending them!!

BTW our daughter has beautiful brown skin and we sometimes call her our milk chocolate baby, (among many other terms of endearment) because we want her to know that we think it's beautiful. However, I'd be a little perturbed if my friends referred to her by her skin color all the time.

Never pick a fight or argue w/a woman who has just given birth, no matter how reasonable you are being and unreasonable she is. Never.

PPD has thinned out many friendships. Don't let yours with her fall into that trap. Bite the bullet, apologize, ignore, and do as she asks and don't give it another thought.

I like what Laura has to say about. I agree with her.
For what it's worth, I think chocolate chip is an adorable nickname. Your friend, apparently doesn't!
I call my girl my little chocolate puddin and my boy tells me he is caramel and his sister is chocolatey. They both tell me I'm vanilla. :) I have no issue whatsoever with color and celebrate my kids color with them.

However, and here's the sticky wicket. I don't like people referring to them by color because of the negative connotations. I hate when people say - "mixed babies are the prettiest babies. Or, your babies are so pretty or what a gorgeous color your kids have and just look at all that hair". That's usally followed by them telling me about thier 1 black friend or somebody they know who's daughter also had mixed babies and "they are just the prettiest little thing." I know they are trying to be nice and complimentary, but the implication is unspoken pity. I've been white enough long enough to know. I've been around when a mixed baby came in the room enough times to know what the unspoken part of that sentence is. "Oh what a pretty baby" = what a shame, what a pity, poor baby, I bet her parents are so embarassed, And the ever popular ..."thank God it's not my daughter." oh what a pretty little choclate baby you have pisses me right off. Don't get me wrong, I get it from the black side too. Black women call my girl - Little Beyonce or little princess, but it's said with a sneer. Usually while they turn thier nose up at her natural hair. "don't you look just like your M." = she's not black like me and therefore she's as stuck up as her white M.. I wish I hadn't actually been told these things and had them implied or said behind our backs, but these are the reasons that while in my home, we celebrate color, I have a bit of a chip on my shoulders if anyone tries to reduce my child to nothing more than color and stereotypes. Maybe a bit of that is playing apart in her dislike of the nickname?

I'm with Laura U. I CRINGED when people called my James Jimmy, or worse still, JAMIE, bleck! Especially people who knew us well and never heard me call him anything but James. Especially, ESPECIALLY people who continued to call him Jimmy or Jamie AFTER I pointed out, as nicely and casually as possible, that he would be JAMES, not Jimmy or Jamie.

So I can totally see her point of view. You won't be walking on eggshells, you'd just be honoring her wishes, as any good friend would.

:)

I always teach my kids not to talk about how someone looks - positively or negatively - bnecause there is so much more to a person than looks. This might be where she is coming from, of not wanting this to stick as a term of endearment since she doesn't her child to focus on appearence so much.

I can't speak to much to the complexion issue as I am caucasian, and I suspect there might be more sensitivity about it from someone of a minority racial group, but I really don't know. I can only relate in that I might just be annoyed if I had a really ivory-skinned child and you called her "cream puff" - repeatedly. I might just be irritated by it.

I can also sympathize on the nickname issue. You spend a lot of time thinking of a baby name and to have someone change it to something they prefer would also irritate me. I wouldnt' ever use a nickname that the parents or child don't use themselves. It's not up to you to decide.

So, is she sensitive? Yes, but I don't think it is misplaced. I am sure she thinks her child's skin is beautiful, but doesnt' want her child to think only about her skin color. It's her family, and you just need to respect that, which you already know. I doubt she is angry at you, but she might be if you characterize her as overly sensitive. She is entitled to her opinion and her way of parenting. I think it is good she spoke up as she will teach her child to speak up for herself if someone gives her a nickname or term of endearment she doesn't like.

I wonder:

Do you think that it had to do with a nickname which focused on complexion? I think it's one thing to mention complexion, and another to base a nickname on it. A nickname which might stick, might be overheard by others who may use it, and wasn't something she herself chose for her little one.

She was kind and did give you the benefit of the doubt, so we can assume that she's not upset with you, it's just not a nickname that she likes. She made it clear with her first kiddo that she didn't welcome nicknames, too, so that hasn't changed.

I understand both sides of it. Two of my son's nicknames were 'Pumpkin Pie' and "pea pod" and he's neither orange or green. But when people call my son 'Little Man' I sort of cringe inwardly. Good heavens, he's only four! Yick!

I think it's a testament to the strength of your friendship that she felt comfortable enough to tell you that she isn't fond of the nickname you've given her new baby. So I'd take it in the spirit that it was given (honesty of a good friend), apologize and move on. Good luck!

Just tell her what you told us! Skin color is no big deal to my kids... I'm glow in the dark white, but I LOOOOOVE some mocha colored skin! My old neighbors were a biracial couple, she was like me, super white with red hair, and he was so black he was blue, and I always said I couldn't wait for them to have mocha colored red hair afro babies... and I meant it! They'd make GORGEOUS babies!! And they never once took it the wrong way, because it wasn't intended to be harmful and they knew that.

Maybe your friend still has some pregnancy hormones she's still working out. Just tell her you didn't mean it in a negative way and you're surprised she took it as such.

I still call my son 'the chunky monkey' and he in no way resembles a freaking monkey... people need to lighten up!

I vote for waiting out the pregnancy hormones!!!

I don't think anyone has a complex necessarily, just two different styles. Some people don't like "visual descriptions" (color, weight, size) 'labeling' their babies. She seems to be in that category since she didn't like nicknames for her first, and she mentions possible complexes. She's "particular and sensitive" but that's her right. She did make sure to let you know she wasn't upset, so she asserted herself politely. It probably did bug her when you called her baby chocolate chip the first day too, she just thought it would pass on it's own. And I don't think she was MAD, or thinks you meant anything NEGATIVE, she just doesn't like it, and YES, pregnancy hormones...So, yeah, you're kind of on eggshells, but it's a pretty easy request to follow if you value her friendship.

If I was you, I'd just be nice and say, "OK, I totally understand, I really had no idea it was offensive". Which she already knows, which is why she specified she wasn't upset. Just because she doesn't want her child called chocolate chip doesn't mean she thinks the baby's skin color isn't beautiful. If one of my friends called one of my kids "White Chocolate Square" a few times it might strike me as odd that it calls attention to their skin color for no reason, but I wouldn't be mad or anything. But it would bug me.

Speaking of "chocolate skin", my ex told me when he was a very small kid and lived in a white neighborhood, he saw a black person and said, "Oooh, look, a chocolate man!" and really embarrassed his parents. Hopefully the man was nice like you and didn't mind :)

If you like your friend, allow her to be picky.

I think that she just doesn't want it to stick. It might be a cute first-time or even occasional reference, but it seems like you decided that that would be her nickname--not consciously, but you kept using it--so maybe she just wanted to nip it in the bud. It probably took her so long to mention it because she wanted to see how far you'd take it and she wasn't quite sure of how to approach you with it. I can't believe that you used it "several times that day". Seriously, that was a bit much.

I think both sides have a complex...but I see both sides. And I don't want to make this into a race debate or anything but....

My nephew is a beautifuly milk chocolate. Smooth as can be. Drives me bonkers that my "white" family call him "Chocolate". So much so that all the kids are starting in on it too, and it doesn't bother him, he loves it.

But it drives me nuts and I refuse to do it and my kids know that if I hear them call their cousin (and Best Friend) "chocolate" they are in BIG trouble.

Who knows how he and anyone else will grow up to take it.

I have girlfriend that had a premature baby (they are African American) and when we went to see her I said "he looks like a real baby"...she thought I was talking about his skin color and I was talking about how many times premmies look so small they don't look like newborns. I felt awful, but I couldn't change her perception of what I said. Eventually, she came to realize I would never say or think something like that!

Just I think she is hoping you will be more sensitive to her babies and her needs.

Please don't take this the wrong way but she sounds stupid. Why on earth do you want friends that behave like that?

I call my youngest midget because she is smaller than any of us. It is always in a loving way, she doesn't mind at all and has no complex that she got the short genes in the family. She also was the only one with the olive skin so if anyone is jealous it is the rest of us.

I guess as far as complexes go that is the key, making sure your kids know they have strengths and weaknesses.

So long story short, not your issues, hers.

I think you hit the nail on the head with the question about who had the complex.

Regardless, I think you have to respect her wishes. Let her know that if you ever do/say anything she doesn't like/agree with (complexion, nicknames, etc.) that it's not intentional on your part and you know she's the mom. Reassure her. She might calm down.

There's no telling what happened with family members or other friends with her first child, or when this one happened to be a bit darker, that could have caused her to be more sensitive.

As her friend, I would just go with it. Try to reassure her that you know she's in charge and you wouldn't want to do/say anything about her children or her mothering that would make her uncomfortable. Then, when she asks you not to do something, go along with it.

This issue is more than skin deep for lots of people. You, now that you've been made aware of it, have GOT to respect this mother's requests.
As for me and what I think personally, it doesn't really matter does it?
Your situation has been explained pretty clearly to you so you can now react to it however you choose to.
In general, I'm not a fan of labels.
Especially when it's a label about a superficial quality.
I know you didn't mean any harm, but you obviously struck a nerve. We all have them, right?

I can't help you much with the skin color question...I am often told I am whiter than my socks. One of my kids is a ginger, though, and golly, I hope she keeps it. I know she might get "carrot top" remarks, though, so I make sure to comment to her how beautiful she is - I'm going to nip that negativity right now. Maybe that's what your friend was meaning to do when she commented on your child's complexion?

But one of my aunts doesn't allow nicknames at all either. She gave her son a rather formal-sounding name (sort of like "Christopher Robin"), and she calls him by his whole name, though she at least allows the rest of the family to call him by his first name (but won't let us do anything crazy like shorten it from "Christopher" to "Chris"), and my mother-in-law and her mother refuses to call my husband anything but his full first name, and Grandmother-in-law calls all of her kids by their full first and middle names. I don't know...some people are just that way.

Hi, Lynn:
This is an interesting topic.
I think it would be helpful if you and your girlfriend
had a conversation about what you wrote here.
I had no idea that colored girls had descriptions about
their color.
Just a thought.
D.

My daughter (who was less than 7 pounds at full term birth) has been called "Little Bit" since the day she was born. At almost 6 she has finally hit 42 pounds. My son who was almost 9 pounds (who at almost 4 weight 42 pounds) has been called "Chunky Monkey" since birth.

As Rachel D put it, my son looks nothing like a monkey and he never has been fat, just solid like his dad.

I could see where she might find chocolate chip offensive, but I think that is more hormones. It could also be that she doesn't want the baby "stuck" with that nickname as they age since children are cruel and might interpret the nickname wrong.

I am a pasty white person who had many references to Casper made. My children got my husband's complexion (his grandmother was Cherokee and they all have that nicely tanned skin...makes me sick since I have to tan all spring to attempt not to burn come summer). Growing up, some of the references to Casper hurt, but that was mostly because they were not people I was close to.

I think that is a cute nickname. I think some people are too sensitive. I had a long term friend tell me what I could and couldn't ask her about or talk about with her. I too felt like I was walking on eggshells. For me, I've kind of left the ball in her court. I am here for her if she needs a friend to talk to. However, I am not going out of my way to talk/hang out with her. There are plenty of other people that it is EASY to be friends with, not having to watch every little thing you say. I see your point!

I'd feel the same way you do. Try not to look too much into it. Just let it go. She's probably extra sensitive about names being a new mother. My husband is that way. He gets annoyed when people shorten my daughter's name. And he doesn't like when our kids call their baby sibling monkey, cookie, pumpkin etc. If they do it every now and then, he's fine but too often, he'll speak up. I don't see a problem but he gets annoyed by it. That's the only reason why I can understand where your friend is coming from...LOL 'cuz my hubby's the same way...LOL Hang in there and I wouldn't mention it again.