Sister Going over the Edge Emotionally

Updated on October 10, 2008
P.G. asks from San Antonio, TX
3 answers

Hi Moms,

My sister (2.5 years younger) has pretty much lost her emotional foothold. She lives away from family (which, where my mother is concerned is a good thing), so has only phone support from the healthy members of our family. She's always been angry, depressed, etc., but it went farther over the last 2 years.

She had an appendix attack 2 years ago; they had to remove it, and at the time found out she was 5 weeks pregnant (WITH birth control). She had been taking medications for sleeping problems, plus with the surgery there was a greater than 50% chance of miscarriage. To the best of my knowledge, she didn't want children before this.

She did miscarry, ended up in the hospital because of the bleeding, and again because of infection. Physically she's mostly ok, has been diagnosed with a thyroid problem. but emotionally she's a wreck. She's been diagnosed bi-polar, borderline personality disorder - don't know how severe though. She's done cutting, self injury things, but we think she's stopped (can't tell cause she doesn't live close).

She has said she "knows" it was a boy (8 weeks - not possible to know), named the fetus, made plans for it to grow up with my son (I found out i was pregnant a few weeks later). I can't even send her a card from my son cause she get's upset.

She's under treatment, but honestly it doesn't seem to be helping, and I don't know if she's blaming herself for the miscarriage, like she killed the baby with the surgery or something? Do I just talk to her about this honestly or leave it alone?

Any thoughts? Thanks!

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So What Happened?

She's been in counseling, and has changed to new counselors. She's also been diagnosed with hypothyroid, so they're working on getting her medication right. Hopefully that will help. Otherwise, I'm just not going to bring up anything that happens to deal with babys and won't send cards from my son, just from the family in general. Thanks for your support, moms!

More Answers

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K.Y.

answers from Dallas on

I am so sorry to hear about your sister's problems. It might be helpful for your sister to get involved with a support group to work through her anger, guilt, etc. over losing the baby. You could contact local mental health professionals in her area and ask for references for her. Is she on any medication or just under the care of a psychologist? Both a psychiatrist and a psychologist are probably needed. As hard as it is to be in contact with a family member who is so emotionally draining it is important to keep contact. Is she in a situation where she could relocate to be closer to family? I would also try to make contact with anyone who is in her life locally that could help to keep you up to date on her condition and check in on her. My mother in law is an alcoholic and lives far away from us and we were in contact with one of her friends to keep up to date on when things were spiraling too out of control. I sincerely hope your sister is able to overcome her depression.

2 moms found this helpful
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C.A.

answers from Dallas on

P., that's such a tough situation to be in, for her and for you.

While I do not have experience that compares to this, I can say that I identify with your position. It hurts so bad to watch someone you love go through something like this, especially if you feel desparately that you want to fix it.

The hardest thing, as a "fixer" is realizing that there are some things that you cannot fix. It takes a lot to set boundaries and realize your limits.

You are very aware of your sister's problems and you are a great sister to keep her in mind despite how difficult it must be.

Number one, you have to look out for you and your family first. I know you know that, but I say this because sometimes, some people are toxic and you have to know when to step back. Second, is she open to any help or changes in therapy? If she's not, then you don't want to touch that one at all because it would be a waste of your energies. If she is, then you might see if you can be a sounding board for her while she tries to find a new provider, etc. Third, think about what you absolutely could do for her immediately, today. Support her. Call her, email her or whatever and tell you that you love her every day and are thinking about her. If you feel like you are hurting her, adjust your tactics and try expressing it in a different way. But no matter what the situation is, if you can, in a way that is healthy for yourself and your family, reach out to her and let her know that she has support and that you care about her, you will be giving her the best gift you can.

I wouldn't bring up the surgery or the miscarriage-let her bring that up. But do contact her and let her know you love her and support her. Losing a baby is one of the worst things that can happen to a woman and having friends and family that are willing to listen to you and that offer love and reassurance, well, that's just a must have to get through something like that. Equally, as a mother who has lost a baby, I get really uncomfortable when people bring it up. I don't mind discussing it when it's on my mind and I will usually open that discussion up if I want to talk. But it does hurt when I am not open to it and people suddenly want to start talking about it.

P., you are a good sister. All you can do is the best you know how. Hang in there.

1 mom found this helpful
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M.R.

answers from Dallas on

You've gotten good advice already. I just want to add that I don't think you should ever say to your sister what YOU believe she could or could not know about the baby SHE was carrying. You'll only alienate her further. I say this because I myself "just knew" with all 3 of my pregnancies what the sex was practically at conception! LOL I've had only 2 live births BTW, so I know her pain.

Maybe learning she was pregnant changed her views on having children. Finding out you actually have a another living soul inside you can be profound! (Think about how you felt.) It seems it has seroiusly affected her. Bi-polars can feel things pretty intensely sometimes, but it does not make those feeings any less real. I know this too, as I live with a couple of them.

Just be as supportive as you can. Tell her you love her. Tell her how sorry you are and be her ear if she needs it.

1 mom found this helpful
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