Single Mom of a Very Attached and over Protective 13 Year Old

She doesn't sound over-protected to me, but rather the exact opposite. Friends can be good, but there needs to a level of supervision. A lot can happen at age 13...

It sounds like the mother/daughter dynamic needs some work, as you should not be like sisters.
You can date, but I'd be more worried first about what my daughter was up to each day.

UGH! I wrote you a thoughtful post and it vanished when I hit "post".

SO. RECAP.

You are an adult. Sounds like you have met a nice man. 1 1/2 months of dating after 6 months of talking is not rushing things. Good job.
BUT. Your daughter does not need to be involved in this AT ALL.

See your boyfriend ALONE. Don't make it excessive. I've been dating a guy for a little over 6 months. I NEVER have him hang out with kids and they have no idea I'm seeing someone. I see him 2-3 times per month. I leave them with sitter and go out "with friends". It's none of their business and they shouldn't get attached to anyone less than a fiance. Don't have her hang out with him, it's only giving her a power trip. You are the mom. If you marry him, she can deal with it then, and you don't have to feel bad if you have chosen a good man.

If he is the ONE, he will be there for a long time to come. you don't have to spend excessive amounts of time with him right now, and you shouldn't. Keep your daughter's time in tact, and see him once or twice per week evenings when she would go to bed anyway-or whatever would be non-invasive enough.

It was much better how I wrote it before, but oh well, that's my 2 cents!!

I have been a single mom for almost 18 years. My son never met anyone I dated until he was 17 and I was in a serious relationship. And it is still touch and go.

These kids of ours get jealous, and a little insecure when we date and when we introduce them to our dates. We have been the center of their universe, and vice versa, their entire lives. They are afraid to lose us.

Your daughter's ambivalence is to be expected. I would suggest you stop doing dinner or ice cream all together with her and the date. Don't shove this man down your daughter's throat. You just met him - 6 months is just met. See him on your own time - without your daughter.

For chrissake - password protect your phone if you have to sext with this man....last thing your child needs to see, hear, think about, is your sex life.

If you are spending more time texting, talking, and seeing this man, than you are your daughter, then you family may have a point. Teens need us more now than ever.

Honestly, if this is the first guy you have dated in over decade - please don't jump too far too fast. It is way too soon for him to be the one.

Your putting your boyfriend before your daughter. Your pushing her off on her friends or your parents to spend time with him. Which isn't cool.

Why is she going through your phone? You should have a passcode for the phone and no one has the right to go through your personal phone messages.

Too bad you left inappropriate messages on the phone for her to see. Now she has the "ick" factor that her mom is hot and heavy over some guy and if you are having sex with him and it is noted in the messages, what kind of example do you think that is setting... You are 9 months away from being a Grandmother yourself... watch how you model your behavior.

Keep in mind that you are the parent, not her BFF. You have to BE the parent. She needs a stable home and right now you are not even out on your own to provide that for her. She needs YOU.

As far as the bf, it sounds like you are trying to justify sending her off to friends, movies, skating. If she is spending more time than she normally does with friends, then yes you are pushing her off in order to spend time with bf.

She is just 13... She is at an age that is very hard to deal with due to puberty, hormones, daily life drama as a teen. Why add to those stresses she already has so you can date right now.

Your daughter should be your priority not your bf. I am not saying you should not have a life away from your daughter, you should. Just balance it out.

I think that 1. your teen doing things with her friends is normal (my SS used to orbit us at the mall and only acknowledge us when he was looking for food money) and 2. your child should not be snooping in your phone.

If you've treated her like a friend vs child all this time, then it will be hard to reset the boundaries, but you should. One day she will be grown and gone and what, you'll be alone? You might also need to move out of your parents' home so that you don't get scrutinized as much and can be an adult yourself.

To me, it sounds like you drop her off with friends for her own benefit. Time for you with your BF is bonus. What if you were hanging out with other friends? Running errands? Would that be a problem? Or is it just him? And by "inappropriate" do you really mean "private, and not for a teenager to read?" Most phones have a blocking option. Use it.

And please please take it slow. My mom jumped into a marriage when I was 18 after she hadn't dated anyone in years and didn't give herself time to see what a flake he was. It ended very very badly. Don't be thinking "the one" first guy out of the gate when it hasn't been 6 months yet. You, he and your DD all need more time to get to know each other.

You live at home so you are not on your own which means you are in your mid to late 20s. The teen years are the hardest ones to navigate through as a parent while setting and showing examples of how to become a productive adult. She needs you more now than you need the boyfriend. You have 5 more years before she is gone completely. What you do now will set the tone of your adult relationship with your daughter.

It is a nice feeling to have someone who wants to spend time with you and only you. But you are a package deal you and your daughter. There are many men out there that prey upon a woman who has a pretty daughter for their needs just make sure he is not that type of man.

I would wait and get her out of the house and then pursue my male companionship for the future. There is so much you will learn about yourself and find out about yourself that you are not doing. You don't have to marry the first man that makes you feel like a princess. You don't even know this guy. Take it slow and steady and maybe she will come around again. And for the love of life don't push your daughter off on others just to have a fling in the hay.

Your daughter has every right to feel like she is being dumped for this guy and she is reacting accordingly. If you do have a problem with this speak with your own mom for a perspective. Just listen and hear her out. Then quietly in your own room think deep and long about what she has to say. I am quite sure she is not into raising anymore grandkids.

the other S.

Your daughter is 13.
I don't know why but for some reason some parents think
"Oh gee, my kid is a teen! I guess I'm done being a parent now!".
Um - No.
If anything, teens often need more attention (than tweens and younger kids) and guidance as they are becoming adults and they have their own issues with dating and interpersonal relationships.
They need you to be there for them not shoving them off on other people because you are ready to shack up with some guy.
Slow way down on your dating and boyfriend activities.
You've got another 5 to 10 years of parenting ahead of you and you don't bail out on her now.

Also, you live at home with your parents.
Dating is not your first priority.
It's not even your second priority.
Raising your daughter comes first and moving into your own apartment and standing on your own two feet comes second.
Getting/continuing your education comes next and a job (or better job) after that.
Seeing a guy is like number 10 on your to do list.
Get your priorities straight.
You need to learn to be an independent adult/parent.
You don't need to become dependent on some guy.

13 is a make or break time for teens. You need to keep track of what she and her friends are really doing. You don't want her to use the excuse of 'my mom has a boyfriend so I'm not important to her anymore and I can do what I want.' Teens are sneaky so when you drop them off somewhere they sometimes don't stay there the whole time.

I think you've been really smart about taking time with this guy instead of exposing your daughter to him early on. Of course she doesn't like him because it's a change in the way things have always been. Don't press her to like him. Just give everyone a chance to be around doing simple stuff like paying board games or wii and she'll warm up to him.

You're going to get answers all over the spectrum here. First it's going to be natural that your daughter will not be crazy about this guy. She's been accustomed to it being just you and she (and your parents). That's a separate issue. I think as long as you're still having time with her as you had been before you met this man then I think she's going to have to get used to him being in your life. The question is - are you still spending aone time with just you and your daughter? If you used to go shopping, to a movie or to lunch on Sundays then still go do those things with just her. But if the meals with all three of you have taken the place of her time with you then she will have reason to be resentful.

Another post down here is correct in that teens need just as much, if not more attention than children - but a different type of attention. At this age she's forming peer groups - there is significant change and experimentation as to who she is about this age. I've seen little girls go into middle school with pony-tails and ribbons and come out like a goth-screamo-band singer - then they get to high school and morph again into an artsy-girl. They're trying on different personas trying to figure out which one fits best. You should be there as she goes through this, know who her friends are, have them over to your house, drive them the places they want to go, etc. You don't want her trying all these new things while you're distracted with dreamboat.

I think you did the right thing not dating while she was younger. As long as you're taking it slow now I don't see a problem with you dating. One ht eother hand, the texts that she saw are a problem because kids don't want to think of their parents as real people.. Romance among "old people" (30+) is disgusting to them. Only people their age can be in love or talk about being horny, etc. If she saw a text about anything sexual she is going to see your boyfriend through that lens for a while - there's nothing you can do to change that except give her time. think about if you saw a sexy text between your mom and dad - wouldn't you look at them differently for a while?

You write that your daughter seems to like him - but tries to make you think she hates him... I think she just has a lot of ambivalence about the situation. She probably thinks he's a nice guy, agrees that you should have someone in your life - but still has these child-like feelings of not wanting to share you, and that no one is truly ever going to be good enough for you.

It will take time. She's right in a way - for not wanting to get too attached too - in case it doesn't work out she's not emotionally invested. That's not a bad idea either. Until you have a wedding date set you may want to ease off sharing your meals, dates, etc with the three of you. Most child psychologists will tell you that - so that the child doesn't experience the loss if the relationship doesn't work out.

Engage in conversation - ask leading questions. Being in the car is the perfect time - you don't have to face eachother, you're stuck together in a confined place. Start by saying something like "you know I like Joe - he's a good guy. And I sense that you have some mixed feelings about the whole thing." (pause see if she says anything) Say soemthing like "the 13 years since you've been born have gone by like a blink - I closed my eyes one day and when I opened them you've become this wonderful young lady. I'm so proud of you - and if I've done anything right about being a mom then the time will come when you'll be going off to college, getting a job and that's exactly what you're supposed to do. So when Joe and I became friends I thought it was OK to begin to date again. It's really wierd becuase I'm not used to dating, and I'm still trying to figure it out. But - I don't want to lose anything about yours and my relationship. I still want to go shopping with you, and get manicures, and go out to lunch. If you want to do that too then I will promise to leave Joe home more often and you and I can still go do these things together". Ask he if she still wants to, ask her what she would rather do. Maybe she thinks the amount of time with her friends is just fine - but maybe she thinks it's not.

Teenagers want to go out and explore the world, spend time with their friends, time alone in their rooms - but they also want to know mom/dad is there in the kitchen or living room when they want to talk, sit near you, have a snack. I think they like to be with their friends - they just don't want to be told they have to be with their friends on Saturday night (or whatever).

Let her talk, hear what she has to say, if she wants more of your time give it to her. Before you know it she will be going off to college and you'll wonder where the time went (mine is going off to college in September and I'm already missing her...)

It depends really, are you making her spend more time with her friends than she would normally spend? If she feels like you don't want her around that is bad. If you happen to hang out with your boyfriend when she is normally with friends she is just picking a fight.

Any reason why she would think she should look at your phone? If you share a phone, any reason you left inappropriate messages where she could read them?

In the end, if he really is the one, he isn't going to mind you making time for your daughter.

You are not sisters.
You are the Mom. She is your daughter.
She is only, 13. 7th grade? 8th grade?
She is only a kid.

How much time, do you spend with, your daughter?

What is the priority?- going out with Boyfriend. Or, spending time with your daughter and knowing how she is doing in school and what her homework is, and how her friends are and who they are?

She does not have to, like your Boyfriend.
Kids, often have gut instincts too. And you need to listen to that.
My kids, for example, have very good instincts & vibes, about people, and I listen to that. We discuss it.

Do you have discussions with your daughter? As a Mom, with her daughter? Not about only your boyfriend... but about HER life, about her feelings, about anything she needs?
Do you know... your daughter well?
As a Mom, not as a "sister" or buddy.

Your daughter, should not be dumped off at friends houses, just so you can go out with Boyfriend.
Do you even KNOW... the parents of your daughter's friends? Do you know, your daughter's friends, well?
At some point, your daughter's friends (and their parents) are going to talk about you... and how you are going out with your Boyfriend and dumping your daughter off on whatever friends, just so you can go out with Boyfriend.
Kids talk.
Kids know.
It is not pleasant to be the kid, that is getting handed off to others, just so the Mom can go out with Boyfriend all the time.
I work at a school... you would be flabbergasted... at what kids TELL, to people at school, be it other kids or other adults/school staff.

Your daughter, should not have to "compete" with your life, or your Boyfriend. And she should not be put in a position... to have to do that.

Even if you/daughter were living in your own place and not with your parents... they still probably would not support your dating this guy.
AND, if you and your daughter were, in your own place without your parents... then WHO, would watch your daughter for you? You'd leave her home alone while you go out on a date????
I think, its good you are with your parents at this point. Why? because, with your dating... it is your parents that would be keeping track of your daughter and how she is, adjusting or not, to your dating life. And at least, HOPEFULLY, your daughter has your parents to go to, with any concerns/daily issues etc., since you are not home and too distracted with your Boyfriend.

And, there is no way, that after 1.5 months of dating, that you think this guy is all perfect and "the one."
That is naive.

Of course your parents do not have to support your dating.
They see, how it is affecting your daughter.

A girl, at this age, needs consistency. They need their Mom. They do not need, to be upended. They do not need, to be forced, to like a Mom's Boyfriend and to pretend that that Boyfriend, is their male role model.
Girls this age... are still not mature. Emotionally.
You need to realize that.
And when they see their Mom, dating and doing stuff etc., then you better hope your daughter, does not REBEL nor get into trouble herself, and hope that she does not copy-cat you.

Daughter comes first. You already know that.
After dating 1.5 months--he's "the O."?
So you've already discussed religion, finances, where to live, where to spend holidays, expectations for running a home, etc? I'm impressed!
If not, I really don't think you need to be looking for "the O." until you've for a place of your own so you can really see how the dynamic if the 3 of you "works."
So she's spending MORE time with friends than normal? That's ditching her.
Do the two of you still spend O. on O. O. together?

at that age your daughter should be starting to "leave" you - being more into her friends and spending more time with them is perfectly ok and GOOD FOR HER. Remember in a short 4 years she will be going off to college and you won't be going with her.
Now, as far as the boyfriend thing, you need to have a frank talk with her and let her know that you are a grown up and although you have put your needs and wants aside she is old enough now that she should understand your position. You have kind of painted yourself into a corner, so you need to figure out what is the best way to get out of that position. Maybe you need to have a compromise formed between the two of you, but it is not reasonable for you to never have companionship.