Single Mom Dating - Vacaville,CA

Updated on November 07, 2013
J.H. asks from Vacaville, CA
11 answers

So, I am certainly not a young Mom. 45 to be exact. I have not dated or evn thought of dating since before my now almost 13 year old daughter was born! Pathetic I know. I am not really sure where to start or what it should even look like at this point! I wouldn't even know where to start. Most of my friends are much younger than me, so the guys they know are the same. Everything I do is with or for my daughter so, sometimes it would be nice to have some adult coversations and time out for me.
I don't want to be alone forever but, sometimes I feel like I have no personal identity! At this point I am not even sure what I would be looking for....anyone else feel that way?

I guess I just feel like my time is running out....I am getting so old. When I was younger I was considered most likely to settle down, get married, have kids and here I am at 45 still single, never's a lot to take some times!

@oldgraymare....See, I get that....I have even always told myself that. You are so right my daughter is in such a tough place. I guess I partly feel like a positive male influence would be so good for her and her self esteem (obviously it would have to be the right person). Thanks for reminding me though!! :) My relationship with my daughter is the most important thing in my life...she is my joy!

Sadly ladies....I am not even sure how to socialize outside my daughter and her stuff. I am not even sure what MY interests are anymore. Thatnks for that suggestion...I guess I really have a lot of work to do! lol

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

Amy J.....Wow! That was amazing. You are so right. Everything you said makes perfect sense to me. I AM A MOM HERMIT!! In my interest to ALWAYS do best by my daughter, I have lost myself completely. I have to get out and figure out who I am again. Wow, at this point I have to figure out what I even like and stop being such a hermit.
Things have been really rough with my daughter....she is having some real growing pains that have completely changed who she is. Me getting out of the rut I am in could only benefit her as well.Thank you for your wise and heartfelt words. I will read them again and soak them was very inspirational. THANK YOU
To everyone else who posted...I also REALLY appreciate your points of view and suggestions. I have touched on most all of your views at one point or anoither. Just goes to show what a complicated issue this really is. Not an easy choice.
Overall, I think it will be a very delicate balancing act and a definite step outside my box. I think I am worth it...I think my daughter deserves a Mom who feels whole and can show her how to be happy and embrace change.
Lastly...I LOVE you ladies on here! So wise, so many different situations. I appreciate you!

Featured Answers



answers from Baton Rouge on

Don't go looking for a guy. Just get out and do stuff you like. If you meet someone, bonus.

I love theater. I met my last husband at a community theater audition. I was looking for a role, not a date, certainly not a spouse. But there he was.

2 moms found this helpful

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answers from Sacramento on

Your daughter is about to enter a rough period for most females. She'll be trying to figure out who she is and where she fits in. She's going to need you. You need to be available. Getting involved with a man is going to take your attention away from where it needs to be. I agree with Fuzzy, find something for YOU, you don't need a man! When she turns 18 and is an adult, you can go find that man!

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answers from Dallas on

Take a class. Do something you enjoy, just for you. Don't look at dating. You need to SOCIALIZE.

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answers from Williamsport on

You DO know what you want in another human being, be it a friend or a future boyfriend: A good person who treats you well so your daughter learns what healthy relationships are. Your first dates will be nights out "with a friend" and she will never see you in a romantic context until much later when all potential issues have been ruled out, so no worries there: date away. You don't need to draw a specific picture of what type of guy you want, the selection is out there for you to discover. Now, the hard part? meeting people.

I'm 43 and almost divorced. Separated for 1 1/2 yrs with odd scenario of extended cohabitation with traveling cheater ex...and divorce papers in 4th draft..long story. But anyway. I've been a single parent really for 8 years since my ex was always gone, so I hear ya on getting buried in Momville.

I moved to the styx to raise my kids and thought I would be single forever once the marriage crumbled-and maybe I will be-BUT I have already met some interested parties and shockingly I'm having to work to keep anything from developing until my divorce is final. (Even though my ex is currently living in LA with the woman I caught him in a 3 year affair with-just found out-I'm trying to remain a saint til papers are signed) And actually, I just told one very nice guy I am not interested in a relationship at this time, but we can hang out and be friends, rarely, within our limited schedules and not when kids are around..

HOW?!! Believe it or not, I haven't even done any singles activities or dating sites. I've simply been doing things with my kids and some other random events as a family that interest me. I'm a painter, so I haul the kids to lots of art events etc, and we do TONS of community activities since we homeschool.

Here's how it works. Meeting people, friends, etc, is a muscle you need to exercise. You NEED to do stuff. That you are sincerely interested in. And you need to meet new people. You need to be healthy, and you need to be happy. These are things that are good for your spirit, good examples for your daughter, and -as a side note-are very attractive to the opposite sex.

Ever since we moved here, before I knew my marriage would end, I shed my hermit ways EVEN with three tiny kids to raise and FORCED myself to make new friends. Forced myself to make eye contact and smile at parks, forced myself to strike up conversations around town and get to know people, forced myself to attend things and add new FB friends, forced myself to maintain those friendships with some messages and arranging girl's nights and meet-ups....I didn't feel like it (I'm a busy, tired, MOM HERMIT!), I just did it. I homeschool, so on outings I made myself really engage with the other moms more than my nature desires...etc. So I have a nice friend base of interesting women which has served me well through this awful divorce period.

NOW, dating is no different, and I often meet nice men through my "lady" and kid events. I haven't been dating yet exactly (well I did go on a couple dates and now I'm keeping the guy in check) but I've had several people "inquire", some friends try to hook me up with people, and there are a few people interested now that the word is getting out that I'm divorced. And I didn't TRY to make this happen. Where have these men shown themselves?

A FEW are the friends of guys my friends are married to or dating. They've either heard of me as the nice friend of that couple, or met me at group events. I was friendly and nice to them, because that's how I force myself to be to everyone. Not that it's not sincere, but I'm shy, and it seems it's always ME who has to walk up to people and ask them questions and give them compliments etc, I listen intently to what they have to say....and then move on. People like that, and friendships lead to other relationships. One guy is the nephew of an elderly widowed neighbor the kids and I have always made a point to visit. Once when he was repairing her roof years ago, I made a point to ask him to explain some of the repairs he was doing to my son... and later, when she told him I was no longer married, he inquired. One guy is the ex husband of a mom I really like at my kid's Taekwondo class, and SHE actually suggested I should date her ex because she really likes me and our kids get along! That hasn't happened though and he's with someone else now, this was about a year ago when I was still newly separated and my brain did not engage, but he's NICE and I sort of wish he was still single :) We're friends and all hang out at TKD events....and he has friends at his does his ex-wife's current boyfriend who I'm also friends with....they'd probably be happy to set up a double date date type scenario if I asked.....and a park ranger asked if I was single for his brother because we were having fun at lots of nature classes there with homeschool network and he always saw me there with my kids who he really likes...then there's always my gym but I've not networked there since I go so often and need it as my refuge:)

My point is, I haven't gone out of my way to find singles, but they're out there, and the wider you cast your friend net, and the more new activities you do, the more likely you are to come across them. Especially if you are happy and open and nice to people. Actually the guy who I could potentially be dating when I'm ready: I met at the neighbor's house. Yup.

I have NOTHING in common with my very conservative neighbors. We laugh and joke that we all get along despite my Obama bumper sticker. They're into hunting and football and have parties with people they've known their whole lives out here, and I'm a fish out of water. Well, they invited me to go to one of their parties, and my kids were out of town with their dad. I REALLY did not want to go. I knew it was not my crowd. I love my neighbor's I have gone out of my way to foster a bit of a relationship with them, but I was recovering from a flu, and felt very shy to go alone into a crowd of people who have known each other forever. But to exercise my SOCIAL MUSCLE, I made myself go, intending to stay only a few minutes and then come home to watch the Tudors on Netflix because WHEN do I ever get to do that??!

When I got there most people were couples but there were a few dudes. I FORCED myself to walk right up to everyone there, wives, teens, elderly people, dudes, whoever, and make a little conversation, introduce myself as the neighbor, before leaving. The last guy I talked to was very shy and seemed a little younger than me. I grilled him with some questions (we never would have spoken otherwise) and come to find out, he's my age, used to be in the Air Force, put himself through school while raising kids for 13 years, and has been a high school science teacher for 5 years. He's divorced with full custody of his teens. Single. Nice. Handsome. Busy. Smart. Puts his kids first. Well-known in the community. Life-long friend of my neighbor. Doesn't hate Democrats. Score. We had fun talking til 2:30 am.

We left innocently and I later asked my neighbors for HIS number!!!! That's right girl. I HAD TO DO IT. We started exchanging emails, and a couple weeks later we went on a date (he asked me) where he was a perfect gentleman and paid for everything including sitter...and we've been on a couple more dates since the kids had a few activities and overnights to go on...and now I'm putting on brakes a bit because I'm actually not ready to be dating someone seriously.....

and this ISN'T taking up my time from my kids. We could only get together like one evening every other week or kids have no idea I'm not out with my "usual friends" when I got a sitter..I'm still with them all day every day and every night as a single DO have time to squeeze in some dates.

MY POINT IS: MAKE FRIENDS. Get out there and do stuff. Listen to people, and be friendly. Friends of friends come with good and bad recommendations which is a plus. My kids love it that we do lots of things with lots of people and that their mom has male friends. Don't TRY to meet men to date (unless you want to go on dating sites and stuff-which you should, that can work too! do both!), but single men are part of the population, so if you are social in general...Good luck and good job getting ready to get out there!

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answers from Minneapolis on

I disagree to some extent with the other ladies. Being a single parent doesn't mean you can't also have a social dating life. The idea that you shouldn't have a relationship until your daughter is graduated is silly to me. The equivalent would be that you shouldn't have a relationship with your spouse if you're married - date nights, weekends away, etc. Children learn by model. I'm not saying you should parade a bunch of guys through her life either. When I started dating, I had no intention of introducing my children to anyone for a long time, but fate had other plans. My gf set my (now) husband and I up, but neither of us knew about it so no pressure. Her kids knew him and my kids were bestfriends with hers so they knew of and met him sooner than I would've planned appropriately.
There is no guidebook to raising children in a single or two-parent home. Make your own rules. A healthy relationship could be one of the greatest gifts you ever give to your child.

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answers from Portland on

Yes, a good male influence could be helpful if the man was someone already involved in your lives. To introduce a stranger with whom you're just now developing a relationship would be confusing and stressful for both of you. Do not do it.

I've dated off and on for years. Getting to know someone well enough to introduce him to your daughter takes months ideally. During that time you'llbe spending time away from your daughter. Because you haven't been dating this will be confusing for her. And you will feel anxious starting a new way of being in this world. Both of you will feel off balsnce as you work out how to adjust.

I have a 13 yo granddaughter and a daughter who was once 13. This age is a time of great change for both mom and daughter. You both need a stable life without the stress of adding a third person in the mix.

I agree that you would benefit from having a social life. If you don't have interests separate from being a mom I suggest that you choose something to do for you.

As for a male role model for your daughter get involved in a group that includes married men. I say married because they are more apt to be stable and experienced with children. Do things in a group for companionship. Church can be a great way to have this experience. Choose a church that has socisl activities during the week.

Your daughter could also get involved in school activities that involve male teachers and fathers.

I urge you to not try to start dating at this time when your daughter is so vulnerable.

There is a huge difference between having a relationship with your spouse and trying to start dating. If you'd been dating already then you would continue to date. What you are suggesting is starting a new way of living.

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answers from New Orleans on

I am 48 and just last year let my teen son meet the man I was dating then. Oh, he knew I dated on and off over the years, but unless I thought they were going to be a presence in his life he did not meet them. And I figured at 16 it was okay for him to meet my then boyfriend.

He now teases me about dating - I have pretty much settled down with a "steady" boyfriend and we are building a relationship. My son knows this and is okay with it.

Anyway, long way around the bushes to say your time is not running out. Your priority has been your daughter - just as mine was/is my son. And that is as it should be. But we come to an age where we realize that we do need to get a life - face it, our kids are growing up and will be out on their own - we need a life. LOL

So start small - if you go to church become more involved in those activities. Take a class - could be pottery, tai chi, cooking - anything, volunteer, etc. all ways to meet people.

Also, I actively sought out men to date - I decided a few months ago that I was tired of being single and just casually dating every once in a while. I want a relationship and a significant other. I am old enough to know what I want. So I had friends introduce me, I did some online sites, etc. Don't put your life on hold - your daughter will truly understand that you want to move forward with your life. I don't think you need to wait until daughter is older - a happy, healthy, Mom is the best parent our kids can have.

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answers from Appleton on

Look on for groups in your area. There are singles groups, social groups, dance groups etc etc..... Once you find a group you like start attending the meet-ups and hopefully you will meet a nice man you can hang out with and maybe go to dinner or a movie with once in awhile.

That's a good place to start, look for a friend and hopefully you will find a partner.

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answers from Louisville on

Omg - I'm right there with you in feeling like I have no identity . I work & take care of kiddo. The only socializing I do is with my parents and sisters. <sigh>. If you figure it out, let me know!!

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answers from Sacramento on

I am a single mom for life is and will always be about my son. He has and will always be the man in my life, regardless if i am single or not. My life is committed to him. The minute I walked out of his dad's life was forever a single mom. Dating was never an interest, nor a desire. I tried several times and just had NO interest in dealing with someone elses bs, drama, etc. Why? When my child was everything I wanted. Funny enough, i had more fun hanging with my son then I did my own friends. I enjoyed every second (and still do) with my son. Some tell me I need to not loose who I am.

Ok, i get it...but my son is WHO i am? He is EVERYTHING I wanted in life. So having my life do a complete 360 was a welcome change. At times I miss having a social life..then when i dabble at again, i immediately realize i am a happier person being with my son. Less stress, less headaches, more laughter, more smiles and amazing created long lasting memories that hold dear to my heart. His love, attention and heart is unconditional. Something you don't always get from other beings.

Guess you can say I live in the mommy closet. Where I happily am :) Now I have come out of my closet recently and thankful to have met a man who understands my situation with my son. He puts my son's feelings first before his own. He helps us stay focused and on track. He doesn't allow OUR time to effect MY time with my son. He knows and accepts he will never be # 1. We include my son is almost everything we do. The few times we have done things together, is when my son is in school, in bed or at a friends house.

Go back to what you were interested in before your daughter. What do you enjoy with your daughter do with someone else..i.e. going to the movies, sports, etc.

Read online about the news, get familiar with what is going on today in TV land, sports, etc. To get yourself back into the crazy world, lol....thats what helps me stay on top of adult conversation, otherwise my convos always been with a 5yr. it helps my neighbor is a single mom with two kids. We spend a lot of time together, which is a blessing to me. So I never NOT have adult time/conversation.

Surround yourself with friends with other kids, neighbors....try online dating if you must. Look into for other single parents in Vacaville. I am involved in a single parents group here in Sacramento. Met a lot of great people to just get out and be an adult from time to time. In due time, you will meet someone. I looked for it...and got lucky. I also focused on meeting a man with a child or they get it, vs a single man with no kids. Its a whole new ball game being a single mom being thrown back into the dating/adult world.

Embrace it but with caution for your daughters safety. That is why I avoided it...protecting my child was # 1 since there are so many weirdo's out there.

But overall...don't have high expectations....just go out and enjoy learning who you are!!!

you are welcome to email me privately if you wish...just send me a message here :)

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answers from Boston on

There's a great company here called "Events and Adventures" that is for single people looking to meet other people and do fun things. I don't know if it's a national company but if not, there is probably something similar in your area.. They advertise on the radio all the time and it sounds very inviting - cooking classes, concerts, hiking/trail walking, sporty things, artsy things, etc. Something like this would be a great way for you to get out and meet new people, try new things, and find your identity outside of motherhood. And if you happen to meet a nice guy to go out to dinner and have some fun with, good for you! Just don't bring him home or get serious too soon. Your daughter is getting to an age where her social life will be busy - no need for you to sit home alone on a Friday night while she's out at the movies or sleeping over a friend's house. You're allowed to have a life too - having fun, trying new things and meeting new people doesn't mean that you're abandoning or neglecting your child as long as you take it slow and are sensible. You come across as someone who has an abundance of patience and good sense so I think that you'll manage just fine. Now get out there!

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