I am a single mom, my son is 3 and I was single the entire pregnancy and I have been for the past 3 years. My son's father abandoned me basically, then came back around when my son was about 1.5 years old wondering if I was mad at him...real mature (we are both in out early 30's). I was civil with him, but nothing more. He doesn't really have a relationship with my son.
I recently started dating again, and met a great guy super sweet, smart, kind all the tings I have always wanted. BUT he is younger then me by about 8 years! Also I just am not really interested!! It's so weird, but I just feel like all my energy is put into my son, then when a have a break I just want some "ME" time not sure if I want to think about someone else too!! So then I think I should just invite him to the park with me and my son or whatever my son and I do together on our days off work/school...but I don't think that is the right way to go about it either...he did act like he would be more then happy to hang out with both of us, which is good, but probably too soon. Have any other dating single moms felt this way?? I also don't really feel interested in the physical romance side of things and really don't want to sleep with another man anytime soon...am I just a mess or what??
I am just worried that I might miss out on a great guy, but it seems that my heart may just not be in it ): Thoughts anyone???
He might be a nice guy but you are not attracted to him. Let him know how you feel and for right now you just want to be friends. Maybe once you have learned to trust him things might become romantic and maybe he's just not the guy for you.
Just a thought though: Are you attracted to jerks? If you feel you may have fallen into a pattern of dating jerks seek out counseling.
If your heart isn't in it, then he's not the right guy. Don't waste your time. Any time you spend on someone other than your son should be for someone who feels really special to you, and this guy isn't it. The right guy will grab your attention and fit into your life.
Every expert I've read says to NOT introduce your children to anyone you date until you are sure that you are heading down the road to marriage. They get too attached (even if you say he is just a friend and are totally platonic in front of your son, they just *know*) and you don't want him to have people he gets attached to coming and going. My husband and I were actually friends for a year because our kids were friends and even in that situation, my son did not take seeing him become my boyfriend very well.
If you're not feeling, it don't force it. If he's the right guy, things will work themselves out when it's the right time. But it doesn't sound like he's The One and you don't sound like your ready right now anyway.
If you are not interested, put your energy into your son. When the right one comes along you'll know. The guy is 8 years younger, let him go find someone who will appreciate him.
Blessings....
oh girl, i got lots of thoughts! :)
you ARE NOT missing out on anything!!! i am very single & very uninterested too! my sweet boy's 2 yrs old and girl please...as if we have a spare second to think about spending time w/a guy or messing up the routine we've worked so hard to create! nuh-uh! i sorta dated a guy for like a month & just couldn't take it. i told him i guessed i just wasn't ready for it. every waking moment when i'm not at work i'm w/my boy and that's how i want it. i didn't and don't want my attention to be on somebody else. after being alone so long, like you, and thinking, and reading responses on here, i've decided it's gonna be a LONG time for me before i ever date again, if i even do. i believe it's gonna be a HUGE struggle for mamas like us to ever really feel comfortable dating someone, i have decided i'm not going to until he moves out & doesn't need me so much. no harm in that. at least he'll know i was completely dedicated to raising him. i know that's extreme & most ppl won't agree w/me, but relationships are SO complicated...then you add in the REAL love of your life?? i honestly can't even fathom dating anyone. for real! call me crazy! sex about once every 3 months wouldn't be horrible & having someone to help me w/the nighttime chores/routine wouldn't be horrible...but the rest - nope! all you married mamas can have it! lol! :) i say this light-spirited, but i pretty much do feel this way. :) this is a tough row to ho, this single mother hood thing! :) take care mama! :)
I feel exactly the same way! My daughter is 3 and I have also been single the entire 3 years. Although I am not dating, I can totally relate. This last year I have gone through phases where I think I want to date, and then I realize that I'm just too tired and I don't want to! I don't want to carve out that 'extra' time away from my daughter to actually GO on a "date". I didn't wait this long to have a baby (I'm 42) just to give her to a sitter so I can supposedly go out to "have fun", I want to hang out with her! And, like you, I'm not the least bit interested in sex (of course that might change if I met Mr. Right, haha). But, in my "single mother" thoughts, when I approach the idea of dating, I think about hanging out with a new friend, ALL 3 of us, at the park or out to lunch or for ice-cream. I feel like who ever comes into my life should understand that my daughter is the most important aspect of ME, and the both of us come as a package deal. I would like for the new guy (whenever that happens for me) to know what he's getting into, and the same for my daughter and I, regarding him. Do we all get along as friends and have fun together? Is he a kid kind of guy? Does my daughter feel at ease with him? And am I getting what I need from this new friendship, and do I want to pursue more? ** These are the things that I would want to know before carving out 6 months or a year's time of dating AWAY from my kid, and then finding out he's not compatible with my daughter and I together. I know my thought process probably isn't the norm. We usually hear, "oh don't introduce the boyfriend until much later", but why can't we just introduce a "friend"? And see how things go? It's not like I'd be interested in bringing someone into my home and sleeping with them, and either are you! ;) If you are like me, then you are torn between taking the time away from your son to date, or just not dating at all. Of course we want to meet someone, but not at the expense of losing out on precious time with our babies, or ourselves! I just wanted you to know, you are not alone in your thoughts- I wish you well, and good luck :)
I was laughing out loud by the time I got to the end of your question, because the feelings you describe also apply to at least half of all the married mamas!!!! No interest in sex, having no energy left for anyone else after parenting your child all day.... so honestly, you are not a mess. You are actually perfectly normal! =)
It sounds to me like you feel like you "should" want to date, but there's nothing wrong with not wanting to. You just may not be ready yet. That may change when your son gets older. I believe God just somehow puts people in our lives when the time is right, so I don't believe you're going to miss out. If it's the right guy, trust me, you'll know.
If you're not interested, why in the world are you trying to force it? If your heart isn't in it, it's not worth it. Wait until your heart is in it, and trust me that time will come eventually. Nothing good will come with dating when you don't really want to.
Take the time you need. Your plate is very full right now.
I really believe that if we are meant to be with someone, it will happen. It happened with myself and my husband. If I'd have known we were supposed to be together, it wouldn't have been as good as it is. I would have wrecked it trying to make it happen. Instead, love happens on its own. Do what you feel is right, and do what you need to do so you can feel good. There's nothing wrong with not taking a nice guy who comes along if you just aren't into him, or ready to date.
Good heavens, no, you are not a mess! There is such an extraordinary focus placed on romance and sex by modern media, but that does not make it normal or even necessary. If it's not something you are missing right now, you are spared a great deal of potential suffering. Celebrate!
And please don't string along some hopeful, nice guy. Guys have feelings, too. Don't settle for "sort of, maybe?" When you're ready, then the right guy will more than likely show up. After I left a terrible marriage with my 8-year-old daugther, I went through a 3-year period where I was grateful not to have a man in my life. Then I met my second husband, and voila! – feelings began to surface again!
When your son is a bit older and less dependent on you, you may (or may not) find your feelings changing. If you notice at some point that your life does not feel fulfilled or complete, and still have no interest in a partner, then you might want to consider counseling to see what might be blocking you. But for now, it sounds like your life is plenty full and more than meeting your needs.
It really doesn't sound like your attracted to him. The perfect man maybe perfect on paper, but in real life??? Have you two kissed? Was there any spark at all?? If you don't feel like your ready to commit to a real relationship, then don't. If you want to concentrate on your son, then do it!!! More power to you!! Date and have sex when you feel like you want to. Not just because you found Mr. Perfect.
It sounds like you're tired and overwhelmed, honestly.
Hard to want to make time for another human when you barely have time
for yourself. Do you have any family or friends who could take your son
once in a while for you to get in some time for yourself? Even if it's just
a couple hours it really does make all the difference in the world. There
are some gyms that have kid centers too- before I did in-home daycare
I'd take my girls to the gym with me and drop them off in the kid zone and
go workout. It made a world of difference in my energy and desire to have
other people in my life. =D
Good luck!!
I feel your pain! My story is very similar to yours. My son's father walked out when I said "I'm pregnant." And I have been struggling on my own ever since. My son just turned 7 last week and I have gone on dates, maybe a handful of times and none of them turned into anything serious. I feel the same way, I lose interest (and also am afraid of bringing someone around my son unless there is long-term potential) and honestly just don't want to be bothered with the whole dating thing. It sucks cause at the same time, I am so lonely and really want to have someone to share my life with. I wish there was an easier way :(
Good luck and I hope you find love and happiness!!
Your son is 3. If you're not interested don't force the issue! You don't NEED to be in a relationship. Enjoy your son while he's little, date later. There's so much more to life then men and relationships. If you're good with just the two of you right now that's ok. I think it's healthy to not need someone. When you're ready, you'll know. It may also take meeting the right guy to know but either way, you sound pretty healthy to me.
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Your son is 3. If you're not interested don't force the issue! You don't NEED to be in a relationship. Enjoy your son while he's little, date later. There's so much more to life then men and relationships. If you're good with just the two of you right now that's ok. I think it's healthy to not need someone. When you're ready, you'll know. It may also take meeting the right guy to know but either way, you sound pretty healthy to me.
The idea about him going with you and your son to the park is great! You don't have to have sex - just let him know you don't want that any time soon. How he reacts will let you know where to go from there. Eight years isn't a deal-breaker - big deal! Maturity is ...
I always felt the pressure to date after my oldest daughter's father disappeared. No one understood that I just wasn't ready, didn't have the energy, trust ...It took me almost 8 years before I was ready to date. found someone and now I have another daughter and he really screwed us all over! So all that other stuff was nothing!! I tell everyone never again or at least not until I'm 50 (which will just be in another 6 1/2 years - so another 8 year span! LOL) If your hearts not in it...wait. Your son is only young once. Soon he'll have activities and you'll have more free time (or less!) but he'll be able to entertain himself and do more that you'll have more energy.
I feel the same way about most men. I have got ten thousand things on my plate right now and I really don't want to babysit a grown-up. I just think that when the right one comes along then you will have a change of heart. You can just explain to your friend that you have been through a lot lately and you are looking for friendship right now. That is the way it should start anyway and after you know him better then things may change.
