Should I Point Out the Inappropriateness of This Situation?

I think it's a safety issue, I would not want unknown men around my daughters especially over night. He probably is a very nice man but what if he is a molester, not trying to be over dramatic but you never know.

IF it made you uncomfortable just ask her if she will keep it just her on the nights her granddaughters stay over. No reason to make a huge deal out of it, just mention that is made you uncomfortable and that you feel the girls may not be ready for that.

Ha, yeah i think its a bad idea. My ex takes my kids to his girlfriends house and has them over to his place and even did while we were still together. I think its messed up, but apparently i can't do anything about it. They are too young to realize what is going on, but i know one day my 7 yr old will look back and be like wow why did daddy have a girfriend when he was married to mommy. Oh that must be why she divorced him!
So i think sleepovers are a nono and i am so freaked out by the possibility of a child molester being aoround my kids i wouldnt let anyone sleep over.

My immediate response without giving this much thought is that I'd be most pi$$ed that my mother allowed a strange man to spend the night with my 2 young daughters, and that she couldn't wait one night until they were back home to have her man visit. That would royally pi$$ me off.

Secondarily, I would be pi$$ed that she set this kind of example to two young children who are also still processing the divorce situation. Very confusing, to say the least.

So YES, I'd be PI$$ED. Should you talk to her about it? Nothing you can really do about this past occurrence, but I'd certainly talk to her in reference to any future sleep-overs with your girls. No men in the house while your girls are there. Period. Too risky, too confusing, too bad of an example. Period. If this isn't ok with her - she can make her own decisions about whom she sleeps with, afterall, then no sleep-overs with your girls. It would be that simple to me.

My humble opinion, of course. Totally agree with Mommy B. I am actually shocked at how cavalier some responders are about this situation. NO way would I be ok with a man that my mom has dated for a month sleeping in the same house with my kids! NOT safe!

She REALLY should have told you he was coming over. And they have just been together for a month?!?!? If I knew my daughters were spending the night in the same house as a "strange" man, I would FLIP OUT. A month isn't long enough to know someone to trust them like that.

It also sends a bad message to the kids. A relationship SHOULDN'T be in the "serious" range if it has only been a month. YECK.

Sorry this happened. Who knows what else happened in front of their eyes or what they heard, etc... Inappropriate to not have just family there. It should have been special "grandma time". She really should have focused on JUST the kids, as a special time!... GEEESH

ADDED: I would not classify this as a "moral dilemma". Because the greater of the concerns here is the fact that your children were exposed to a potential dangerous situation. In fact, one of the first things I'd do as soon as I had my kids alone was to ask if they happened to see the man in the middle of the night (maybe saw him on the way to the bathroom?), or questions about what they did with grandma and the man. Was there a time where it was just them and the man in a room? Did grandma leave them with the man to go pick up something at the store? etc. I'd ask casually and calmly so they don't think there's anything wrong and to ensure the right answers.

I'd also wonder how was HE comfortable with spending the night as well... Was he interested in coming over then BECAUSE he knew the kids would be there? I'm sorry, but these moms that say it was OK because it is your mom's life, etc. It ISN'T okay when it involves YOUR KIDS.

Is she watching the kids for your convenience, or for "grandma" time? Was the visit planned well in advance, or a last minute drop-off, or somewhere in between? Does she watch your kids at night all the time, or was this a special occasion? Does she generally exercise good judgment? I'd handle this delicately, and my approach would depend on some of the details of the situation. You have a right to be concerned and upset, and to not bring the kids for an overnite if he's going to be there. However, I'd avoid reading her the riot act (not that you said you would) and would wait until you're over being so upset to discuss the issue.

Hell no! You have every right to be upset. That being said you only have the right to be upset that she let a stranger to you stay in the same house as your kids. That would totally piss me off too, especially if she didn't give you advance notice.

Now if you had just dropped by and saw that the boyfriend had stayed over, no kids involved, then I would say no, you don't have a right to be upset. She is a grown woman and therefor has a right to do as she pleases.

If I were you I would tell her you are very uncomfortable with the boyfriend staying the night with the kids in the house.

I would be SO angry. I mean, she has no idea of this man's background. He could be a freaking violent criminal, for all she knows! What she does in her private time is her business, but she should NOT be bringing men around your children. (when your children are there, it's no longer her private time.) I would be less worried about them seeing him in her bed (although, that would bother me a lot) and more scared for their safety!!)

I would make clear, that you don't want men over (at all, any time when they are there!), when your children are there. It is a safety issue.

I don't think it will get you very far to tell your mother that having her boyfriend sleep over is inappropriate, but you are certainly within your rights to tell her you're not comfortable having your daughters sleep over on nights when the boyfriend will be there. That means she may have to choose whether to have her grandchildren for sleepovers, or her boyfriend.

I wouldn't let your girls spend alone time there anyway as you and she probably know very little about him. Could be a pedophile. I'm not saying he is but you can never be too careful.

I suppose you will receive some "mom's house, mom can do what she wants" responses. Of which I agree, however...

You do not know this man. I would not want a stranger spending the night around my children regardless of their age.

I would have a conversation, but keep it neutral. Hey mom, I'm glad you are getting back on your feet after the divorce, but my girls are still new to this situation. If you are going to have someone spend the night, can you give me a heads-up so I can make other arrangements for them?

Tough situation. I think you are well within your rights to be upset about it, but I would gage the confrontation level of this conversation carefully. Good luck and let us know what happens!

She's a grown woman so she's going to do what she wants. But as a mother you certainly have the option NOT to leave your girls there (I wouldn't.)

I would be upset too and think you should say something. Mom can have her adult pajama party some other time when your kids aren't there.

You need to let your mom know that you understand that she is an adult and can live her life as she sees fit. You though need to know if any male is staying the night with her when your girls are with her so you can make the choice if they stay or not. That is your right as a parent.

Personally I would not let my girls stay there unless I really knew the man and felt comfortable.

I agree with Momma F. It's a safety concern. They are young and don't need to be overnight with unfamiliar people like that. She hasn't even known him long. She wouldn't even know him like that, if he was a molester or not (some people don't even know after years). The kids did sleep in a separate bed right? That would be another whole can of worms too. I would talk to her that you think it's inappropriate and won't have your kids staying the night for a while. Honestly that would break my trust because it's a safety concern and anyone who can't see that I wouldn't trust to have my daughter overnight.

Were they alone with him while she was showering or anything? I would ask my daughter about him and make sure nothing happened. You never know. 1 month is hardly enough time to know someone.

I totally agree with Mommy B. I don't understand how some responders on here think it's safe to have a stranger (yes 1 month of dating is basically still a stranger) spend the night with 2 young girls. Did he know the girls would be there? I agree with everything mommy b said, I'd casually question them and talk about bad touch and how they can tell you because you won't let anyone hurt them and don't want anyone to hurt them. I probably would've flipped out, but I can't catch my tongue on things like that.

I'm very surprised so many people aren't careful about who their kids are around... wow.

@Dana, I wait a long time for my daughter to meet a boyfriend and I don't have him stay over for a long time too. He comes from a house, if I want him I'll get a sitter and go to his house for a few. God forbid, I don't have him stay the night until I know him like that. My daughter's safety is not something I gamble with. And no one can tell if he would've eventually met him otherwise.

Haven't read the other posts yet - but YES this is inappropriate in several ways. One - there is no need for your mother to show your children that someone other than grandpa is sharing her bed. Two - why would you allow someone you've known such a short time to stay in the house at the same time as your two young grandchildren. Red flags all over this. Please, please don't allow your children to stay at your mother's house without having a discussion with her. If you don't think that she is reliable in that she won't have any other "sleepovers" while your children are there, simply don't allow them to sleep at her house.

Well gee, all very valid suggestions/advice from all these women here.

Me?
Well I would wonder about this "Boyfriend."
Do you KNOW him?
At all????
What kind of guy is he?
I have a daughter and son.
Being a Mom, I would NOT want unknown strange men, around my kids.... sleeping overnight.
I would wonder and my mind would wander...about safety etc.

This boyfriend is only a 1 month 'boyfriend' or guy she is dating.

In any event, I would wonder about safety.... and what is appropriate. Per my kids and while they are there overnight.
To be honest.

NOR would I want MY kids, to be calling this 1 month so called "Boyfriend"... 'uncle' or something.
I mean, what do your kids call him?
How did your Mom introduce him to your kids???
What did she call him and what did she tell your kids, to call him????

Again, I would not want my kids, around a 'stranger' man, over night, in someone else's house.

And I hope your kids are not left unattended, while your Mom and Boyfriend have "couple time"???????
Or showering the next morning or whenever.

I'm sorry, but a "Boyfriend" of ONLY 1 month.... to me... is still not a "Boyfriend." Unless they have dated awhile... before becoming "Boyfriend" and girlfriend.
And, if she is just dating him... he is not a "Boyfriend."
Believe me.
1 Month is nothing... and not long enough to even KNOW someone, much less, well enough.
I have had boyfriends... and after 1 month, that is not long at all to know someone well. Much less about their 'history' or past.

You have every right to be upset. Your mother also is a grown woman and it is her house.

So somewhere in there is an interesting conversation.

Calm down.. Even moms have "needs". My mom and her girlfriends had a lot of fun during their divorces.. I was happy for them.

As long as she is happy and safe, isn't that the most important thing?

Just let her know you were startled that her gentleman caller was there when you would be dropping the girls off.

I love my mother. I trust my mother. I trust the CHOICES my mother makes. I am not her mother.

Tread very carefully about what the bottom line is. You can so easily make her feel judged. Make her feel like you do not trust her choices.

Take a while to gather the thoughts before you say anything. This will set the tone for your new relationship. You are a mom, and your wished for your children are your decisions. Just explain where you are coming from. She will hear you if you are calm and sdult about it.

My first reaction was that your mom should be allowed to move on with her life, and what is the big deal? Are you seriously trying to run your mom's life?

However, I can understand why you'd be bothered. He's a virtual stranger to YOU. Kids are relatively easy-going when it comes to new people, so I doubt it bothered them, especially at their age. I don't think it's your kids who are still processing the newness of the situation... try to allow YOU to grieve for the loss and frustration of your parent's divorce.

I would talk with my mom, try to stay calm and explain how it made you feel. I would also definitely make an effort to get to know the new guy, if for no other reason than to determine if I'd be ok with the situation occurring again. If you're close enough with your mom, I think you can have a sensible discussion where wishes and feelings are respected on both sides.

NO!!! You are not wrong at all. Your mother should have used her head on this one. This was time with her grandchildren and if she couldn't go one night without a man in her bed then shame on her. Sorry to be so harsh but it is wrong on so many levels to me. I was divorced when my son was young and my son never saw my current husband (who I was dating at the time) spend the night until we were married. If I were going to try to teach my child morals then I need to live by my own rules. Sorry but grandma is WRONG!! And yes you should talk to her about it. I would also add that if she intends on having him stay over again your girls will not be spending the night. Your mother put your children at risk having a strange man spend the night with two young girls. Thank god nothing happened, I would be pissed beyond words!!

Yes, I would talk to her. Its not appropriate for the facts that you stated. Its not a good example and being freshly divorced the girls are not going to understand. I also wouldn't want a man that I was not familiar with around my young girls, especially spending the night where he has access to them when your mom is asleep. I don't want to freak you out by I would be concerned about that as well. Good luck to you.

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I think you're right. She is free to do whatever she pleases...just not in front of your kids.
How would she react if you told her you are not OK with it?

I'd talk to my mom about it and let her know how inappropriate it is! Ugh! Nicely of course :).

I haven't read all the posts but I disagree with the oh my god child molester. Really not relevant to the situation anyway. One it was one night, surely she can go one night without him, it screams self-esteem issues but that is another post. Two neither you or your kids have sorted out your feelings towards the divorce and she is forced this guy on to you. I can't believe she didn't ask you at least.

Was he there when you got there? Did you have any indication?

Well anyway I would talk to her and tell her the girls will not be spending the night until you are comfortable with it unless there is a guarantee he will not be there. After all it is about her spending time with her granddaughters not her guy.

Just an FYI things like this don't usually bug me, this bugs me.

Was mom doing you a favor watching the kids at a moment's notice or was this at her request to see the grandchildren? I would be upset too since he is a strange man in the same house as your kids. But if you butted in on her existing plans or if she had long standing plans be with your kids are 2 different things.

You are not overreacting at all. I would be calm and polite about it, but tell your mom that it really bothered you. That you trust her with your precious babies because you know how she has good judgment and obviously she raised you. However, what she may not realize is that does not extend to other friends, boyfriends, friends with benefits etc that she may have. Absolutely no one should be with your children without your permission and comfort. 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are molested, almost all by "trusted" friends and families. I am not saying he is a molester but you do have to think in these terms that anyone could be one, and she has known him one month. That is not nearly enough time to know anyone.

As the mom of the daughters, you absolutely have a right to be upset about the situation. Your mom is old enough to make her own choices, but it is not appropriate for her to bring a strange man (I don't care if she's been with him a month; he's still a stranger, even to your mom!) into the house with her granddaughters, especially without letting you know the situation upfront and allowing you the chance to make an informed decision about having your daughters there with him/them. I'd be letting Mom know her granddaughters won't be spending the night unaccompanied for the foreseeable future. Period. (That's just me.) Definitely talk to her about what happened, though, and be nice about it but firm as well; not like you're trying to tell her how to live but just expressing concern for how it may impact/has impacted your children.

has she always been this 'tactless'?

she doesn't have to agree with you but she does have to respect your wishes, otherwise the grandkids don't sleep over there anymore.

N.,

I definitely think this was innappropriate especially if your mom knew you guys were coming over! No, you are not wrong to be upset! I would be LIVID about it! Definitely talk to your mother about this situation.

Good luck!

some people don't believe molestation hardly ever happens. Others believe their kids would fight it off and tell. Lives are destroyed because of ignorance.
Plus, it is immoral and a horrid example. Maybe she alone can come to your home to babysit without a man

There are two ways in which you could approach this:
If you have a good relationship with your mom and can bring this up without her freaking out, by all means talk to her and let her know that you are not ok with this and for her to please let you know to pick up your daughters if she would rather spend time with her BF.

If she is a person who would get upset over this, just let it go and don't let your daughters stay at her house any more. No need to give a reason, just make it "inconvenient" for them to stay overnight.

Frankly I can totally understand you, I would be upset as well.
Good luck!

Eeeek! Shes only been with him a month, she doesnt even know him. You dont know him. Uh huh, he wouldnt be sleeping in the same house as my girls.

OMG. I would have a fit if it were my mom! I would talk to her for sure--tell her how you feel and ask her to please respect you and your children enough to not bring boyfriends around or at least have a sleepover when your kids are staying there! That was so inconsiderate and rude and gives the children a very mixed message that they are way to young to process. GL!

M

If she were my mama, I'd have a talk with her. I would want to sound her out about how she felt about its being considered inappropriate, and, well, her general reaction to my protests. That would have a lot of bearing on how much time my daughters spent with their grandma for a while.

It doesn't mean I'd disown my mother. It does mean I might keep more distant until her life has, um, settled down.

It's a big challenge to raise your children to understand and accept your standards and still love the people who don't have the same standards.

That's a tricky one..
On one hand she's grown and I don't feel its any of yours or anyone elses business who stays with her. But, knowing your kids were gonna be there she needed to tell you he would be there. I guess in the future let her know your wishes. You don't want him there when you girls spend the night. Good luck!

I think there is an important distinction to make.... These actions are inconsiderate of your feelings as well as those of your children. Inappropriate... well, what mother wants their daughter dictating what's appropriate? Not your call to make. I would approach it as "I know this is your house, but I would hope you'd take the time you have with my kids a little more to heart" and "Please understand they're still reeling from your breakup with their grandpa, we would all appreciate it if you would go a little slower pushing the new boyfriend into our lives." Be very careful about coming across as judgey or preachy. That won't help anything.

I too would be very upset about this. You do need to talk to her about it and let her know your feelings. I think I would let her know that either your kids OR her boyfriend spends the night. Not BOTH! He could have at least left late in the night. They (your mother and bf) can do what they want on their time, not grandmother time. And in my own opinion, it would make me question what kind of man would want to stay the night anyway with such young and impressionable children around. I don't blame you for being upset. They are your kids and you have very right to choose what they see and don't see! Good luck with this!

I wouldn't have a problem with it.

I see this as two possible scenarios:
1) You may also still be processing the divorce, so maybe it was a bit too soon for you to see your mom with another guy. (completely understandable)
2) Your children spending the night with a "stranger" in the house. (I would ask mom to not have the boyfriend sleepover if the girls are sleeping over)

Yeah, I think it is too soon for your mother to be introducing her grand children to her new beau.

You are not wrong at all! Yes, talk to her. We have a rule for our child, if you end a relationship and start another, you must date that person 6 months before my child can meet them. Sounds silly but I don't want my child to think that it is ok to go from one person to the next! I know I can not control anyone or their situation but I can control what my child is around.

I don't think you are wrong. I would think someone of your mom's age (a grandmother) would have enough common sense to think it might not be a good idea to have a boyfriend sleep over when the grandkids were there---UNLESS UNLESS she discussed it with YOU in advance and you were perfectly okay with it.

You obviously cannot go so far as to tell her what you think is appropriate behavior with her boyfriend (new or otherwise), but you certainly CAN let her know that you do not think it is appropriate for your daughters to be there. Let her know that if him sleeping over is something that may be likely, that you would rather she inform you in advance and plan another time to let your kids stay over with her.

You aren't passing judgment on HER or her relationship; only on what you find appropriate for your children to see. Big difference.
For several years we were rather "particular" about having family stay with us in our home when they were in un-married relationships. It was fine if they slept in different rooms, but if they weren't comfortable with that, they were always welcome to stay at a hotel. We did not want to model perceived approval to our kids.

I would imagine it would be confusing for your kids (or at least be awkward for you to have to explain) to see grandma having someone other than grandpa sleeping in grandma's bed.

You don't have to bring up that you have young GIRLS and that you know little about this man that is her boyfriend. You can't be too careful. But you don't have to frame the discussion around THAT. Would you let your daughters sleep over with friends if their parents were having an overnight boyfriend that they had dated for a mere month? I'd have BIG problems. There really is no difference, in my opinion.

i wouldn't want it because who knows if this boyfriend will stick around and if she will have another boyfriend in month or so that will be sleeping over, too. you don't want your kids thinking it's ok to let just anyone sleep over. if you know what i mean

we have been through similar situations with my mother-in-law and her boyfriends, and my husband finally told her that he didn't want our children meeting her "revolving door of men" until she's ready to get married. i def think you should speak up, but tactfully :)

She's an adult in her own house. I don't think she has anything to apologize for. I assume BF is not walking around the house naked. He can be introduced as grandma's friend since that is exactly what he is. She should have mentioned it in advance though.

This is just a question - no judgement, just curious. Do those of you who are divorced get a hotel room, send the kids to grandma's, have the bf over while the kids are in school or what? Don't the kids eventually meet the new man who will be sleeping over?

You're not wrong. I'm surprised your mother didn't use better judgment in having her male companion of less than a month stay overnight with two small children that weren't her children stay over. There are so many ways that could have been a bad situation. She can't possibly know him well enough to trust him to sleep there with her grandbabies there.

What she did was irresponsible. Yes, you should talk to her. Don't be accusatory, just make sure she knows you're coming from a place of concern. And I would initiate a rule about when your daughters are visiting her and you're not there, he's not to be around them.

Absolutely talk to her! She was incredibly irresponsible! I would tell her that you expect that you tell her who will be staying over night at her house and when, so you can keep your daughters home on those nights.

I would be irate.

I'm not sure if you should/could say something without getting into an argument. I wouldn't be comfortable with that though, not really due to the divorce, but because he's some brand new guy. I wouldn't want him around my kids overnight or without me around until I learned more about him.

IMHO, don't send your children to sleep over at Grandma's. I hate to say this, but if you put a value on the situation (whether it actually is a moral faux pas isn't the issue here) Grandma will feel judged. Personally, if I don't like the way my family rolls then we don't go over there. It's their business to live however they want. I don't like when my family makes value judgments about my lifestyle (e.g., they say I'm "addicted to deprivation" because DH and I refuse to live outside of our means; they also won't visit because "we can't afford a hotel AND airfare!", which is passive-aggressive for "your place isn't nice enough for us to stay over") so I am sure they don't appreciate when I do the same thing to them.

Another great reason to not get into it with Grandma is that it probably won't work. For example, I got into a big argument with my mom, because I said if she was going to have seven dogs then I did not feel comfortable staying with her. My issue was really with the fact that since she is in bad financial straits, hoarding strays is an inappropriate use of resources that should be going to her creditors. DH and I don't live like that, and we don't want that as an example for our kid. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong, but my mom still has the same dogs and money problems so what does it matter what I think. We just don't visit her more than once a year, and that is our choice.

So not ok. And, if she's only known this guy for a short time, who know what he is, and what he can do. I would not allow them to spend the night there. Who cares what your mom thinks about this. These are your children and they come first. She is in lala land with her recent divorce.

Combine Michelle S and Mamma F's answers. Covers all the bases.

No way, not OK for me anyway! If she wants to do sleepovers, than do them on her own time. They don't know this guy and she doesn't really him either. For all she knows, he could be a total creep. I would be very straighforward with her and tell her NO WAY is she ever to do that without checking with you first!