Do You Let Your Mom and New Boyfriend Spend the Night at Your House?

I just ask my husband what he thought of this...we both agreed they should get a hotel room. I however would not be concerned with explaining grandmom sleeping in the same room with her boyfriend rather I would not want a stranger sleeping under my roof especially with my kids in the house.

Edit....I also believe that when “death do us part” we are also free to find someone else. Life is short and I can’t imagine being without my husband. If something happened to him I would certainly try to find what I had with him with someone else and I would want him to do the same.

I would not have a problem with it if I was close to my mom and I trusted her judgement. Is she serious about him? Is he serious about her? It will make him feel welcome in the family.

Why would you need to explain anything to your children? At their age I doubt they care anything about sex or marriage (at least I HOPE they don't.)
As far as your mom goes, do you not trust her judgement? Do you think she would bring a dangerous person into your home? I guess if your mom has issues and you think she's not fit to be around your family then do what you need to do. If she's a nice lady who raised you well then I really don't understand your problem :-(

No, you're not being too prudish.

I'm happy for your mom if this man is good to her. I can't imagine how hard it would be to live alone after the death of a spouse after so many years. But your children knew and loved their grandfather. It would be to them the same as if SHE died and he brought a grandma replacement to sleep in their house. Just wrong on a lot of levels.

If she decides in the future to marry him, that's something that they will need to get used to the idea of. You will need to work through that with them AFTER they become engaged. If they choose not to marry because of financial issues (and lots of seniors don't marry), you will have to decide how long to wait before you really talk to them about how he has taken Grandpa's place.

If your mother acts disappointed, tell her that you would feel the same if she had died and dad wanted to spend the night with a girlfriend in your house. That should make her think twice before fussing about it...

I actually think hotel rooms are extremely necessary for family visits.
For me it has nothing to do with whether they are married or not.
I just want my own space.
It true whether I’m the visitor or the visitee.
Your house your rules.
In your own home, you and your husband are the alpha couple.
If your mom doesn’t like that she can make her own choices about coming to visit or not.
I’d be insulted if my mom tried to manipulate me like that and I’m not sure I’d want to see her until she grew up.
And no boyfriend of 3 months would be introduced to my kids.
That would come after a lot longer time or after the engagement.

I think it's weird that your mom wouldn't want to have a hotel room so they can be comfortable in their own space. He isn't family and I think I would feel odd if I was the parent here and wanting to take my boyfriend somewhere.

Why do they have to sleep in the same room? "No bed til wed", could be your house rule - if he likes it then he should put a ring on it - your mom's boyfriend can sleep on the couch or on an air mattress etc, if he just wants to celebrate the holidays with your family. And you can just tell your children that grandma's friend Tim just wants to visit with you for the holidays.

Or, you could happily allow your mother the joys of that man's companionship in her old age and just be happy that one of your parents is still alive and well enough to spend the holidays with you.

Maybe flip a coin between the two above options and see how it goes.

I am seeing red flags all over this story. They have only been together 3 months. Why the rush? Is you Mom lonely and rushing into a new relationship? Is this new boyfriend a control freak and wants a commitment from your Mom before she has gotten through the grieving process?
It is so easy to find men like this. They prey on lonely grieving women, quite often needing a woman to cook, clean and take care of them because they are incapable of doing it themselves. Or maybe he needs someone to support him.
I would be more concerned about Mom getting involved so quickly with a man she barely knows then them sharing room at your house during the holidays.

Your dad hasn't been gone that long. I think it would confuse your kids. Are you even comfortable with how fast your mom is moving on? I don't know how close or what kind of relationship you guys had with your dad. To me it seems too soon.

I wouldn't ask family to stay in a hotel, but that's me. It's a little prudish in my book - I mean, seriously, the point of that arrangement is to prevent premarital sex and unwanted pregnancy - there's no secret that they aren't virgins or expectation that she could get pregnant.

But ...

That being said, your house, your rules. I can't imagine your kids will have a single question about the situation if they stay with you. They will, however, wonder why Grandma isn't staying with them. But you get to choose. If they don't like it, that's the consequence of your choice - but it's still your choice to make.

Tanya,
It's your house, your rules plain and simple. I don't think your being a prude at all! Three months is no time ! I agree with your husband . Your mom needs to respect your wishes and be the adult she's suppose to be and get over it !

your mother is being ridiculous. I bet you she either does feel awkward deep down and knows it isn't right to pass this stranger off as a husband/almost husband OR she is emotionally lost with out your dad and is clinging to this new man which also isn't right.

I would stick to your guns since i think you have been perfectly reasonable.

she is an adult can can do what she wants but you have young kids..Keep them safe #1 and #2 even if they don't know about sex they don't need their first extended time with this man to be one where he is acting as your mothers new husband.

I think this is less about your mother sharing a room with a new boyfriend in your home, and that it should be more about general safety.

After all, your mother met this man online, just a few months ago, and your husband has not met this man (and you only briefly met him once). There's a lot of potential danger out there. Some people take advantage of older widows or widowers, and you have no idea whether this particular man is a thief or whether he's the finest gentleman who ever walked the earth.

I suggest that you just tell your mom that you'd like a chance for your family to get to know the new man in her life at a slow and relaxed pace, with your mom and him staying at a hotel. That way, there won't be too much pressure (like there might be if a stranger is staying in your home overnight). After all, you have no idea if this guy watches loud tv all night, or wanders around the kitchen looking for snacks at 3 am, or whether he walks around in his underwear. Or, perhaps he is the most considerate guest imaginable, helping to wash the dishes, and showing great consideration for your family and home. There's just no way to tell when you don't know the guy. Take your time in getting to know him, see how he treats your mom in everyday situations, and hopefully you and your family will all like him as much as your mom does. Just ask your mom for the chance to find out.

I think Doris Day and Gamma got it just exactly right - I couldn't agree more with them.

Oh my word, seriously, wait until you are older and live through losing a spouse. My parents were married 49 years when my mom passed away. 49! years! Not even three weeks after her death my dad called saying he met his soul mate. My brother and I freaked because we hadn't met her but after ten years of being my mom's care giver we felt he deserved to live his life and after everything he did for us we weren't going to be petulant children and judge.

They were married five months after my mother's death. My dad is very Catholic and kept going on they had to be married since they were living together and his friends would think he was having sex. We just shook our heads and told dad his friends know him, everyone knows he isn't having sex. Still, his life, let him live it.

I know no post here will change your mind, that is kind of obvious. Still, lighten up, you have no idea what it is like to be older and have lost your spouse. You shouldn't judge, just explain you have no idea how much time you have left and don't be negative. The reason, because you have no idea how much time you have left with your mom. If something happened to her do you really want her last memory to be her daughter treating her like a child?

I have all out-of-town visitors stay in a hotel. Even if it was just my mom by herself, she'd be in a hotel. I don't like having overnight guests, period. That means in a situation like yours, I wouldn't need to express any kind of opinion or judgement about the other person or their choices.

Your mom's reaction is not unexpected or surprising. It may too late for you to handle this gracefully since you've already stuck your foot into it.

In your particular scenario, I'd be far more uncomfortable hosting a stranger than I would that two people were sharing a room. I really don't care if the couple is married or not.

I agree with Julie S.

Nevertheless, your mom is right to be upset. This is just ridiculous from a daughter and son inlaw to criticize the ability of your mom to make a sound decision of a new partner.

I hope you all will find an agreement. I wish you would support your mom a little more.

I guess your house, your rules but yes, I think you're being prude. My FIL and his wife were engaged a few months after they started dating and married within a year. Happiest couple I know. His first wife died a horrible death from cancer and the lesson he took away was the life is short and don't waste a moment.

Your kids won't notice or question the sleeping arrangements, they really won't. Your rule comes across as petty, judgmental and rude to me and that's not generally the feeling I want my family/guests to have - especially around the holidays - but again, your house, your rules. If it were me, I would trust that my parent can exercise sound judgment and wouldn't bring a guest for the weekend unless the relationship was serious.

My mom passed in 2014.

My dad has dated two ladies. The first one was for about a year and now this lovely lady he is with now. I liked both ladies very much. They are a mixture of my mom.

I do understand where you are coming from given the ages of your children. Mine were much older. However, it was my DAD who asked for separate rooms. He wanted to respect our rules; which I appreciated but was unnecessary. The guest room has twin beds. =) I will say this, when you are older, you tend to move faster because you never know about tomorrow. That could be where your mom is coming from. Please think about that.

This isn't easy. I adored my mom. She was the bestest friend and mother I could have asked for. I miss her every day. But I'm so glad that my dad has met someone who he can spend time with, travel with and talk to. He will be 80 next month.

I think you and your husband could have handled this better. I think your mother could have handled this better as well.

Its hard but please talk to her again calmly. Tell your husband to back off. Not his monkey not his circus. Sorry it just isn't.