Should I Confront This "Friend" or Just Move On

Just remember; if she's talking bad about other friends to you, then she's talking bad about YOU, to other friends.

I have had friends who had husbands or kids I really disliked. I chose to spend my time with my friend when those people were not present. We could go to breakfast at McDonalds after kids are off to school, go to craft shows, etc...I found time to do things with my friend even though I didn't make time for family style gatherings.

If someone told me that my husband makes them feel uncomfortable well then I guess my answer would be that I now feel uncomfortable that they feel this way. I would say it's time to end the friendship. You will make it through preschool & you already changed soccer teams. Good luck

I don't understand what was "unkind". Granted, it was tactless, and probably not the way most women would have handled something like this (most would probably just gently let the relationship fizzle/fade on it's own by being busy, without coming out straightforward and saying it was intentional, etc). I'm going to guess that if she is in therapy for her mental issues, that addressing things directly was what her therapist advised her to do.
What other "unkind" things did she say exactly? What was so judgmental? There must be more to what was said than you have relayed here.

Based on what you have said, I don't see any reason to confront her and tell her how you feel, since you don't sound like you are trying to salvage the friendship between the two of you, but really just want to have a chance to "dump her" back. Why go through that? What's the point? To soothe your own ego? I would just let it go. Not necessary to have the kids on different teams... but if it is done, so be it.

Just discontinue pursuing any relationship with her/her husband. Sure you'll see her around the preschool. Be polite, smile and say "hi," and move on. Show your preschooler how to be graceful.

Cut your ties.
Too many issues... it is probably her pattern of friendships and behavior. So be astute, not emotional, and see it in a detached manner... she has "issues".
Many "friends" change in life.
let it go.
And she seems like a gossiper... anyway.

Just be cordial & perfunctory, but I would not take the friendship further.

I would not dwell on it, that she openly said she and her Husband do not care for your Husband. Not everyone can 'like' everyone.

Ditto the previous posters.

If she suffers from a type of mental illness, as does your husband- perhaps she was extremely uncomfortable/anxious around him. I'm not sure?

It sounds like nothing that requires confrontation. If she's mentally ill- perhaps it was an episode, and you are better off slowly retracting from her life. Then you don't have to say anything that could harm the "bigger picture" of your social life within the school and extracurricular activities.

I know, suffering from depression and anxiety myself, that some social situations simply make me crazy with anxiety. I deal with things differently, but maybe she is more confrontational? Hard to say.

I would just take the high-road with this and let it go. You don't have to continue to chum around with her.

Best luck-

If you don't see any point in continuing this friendship, for whatever reason, just tell her so. I hope you'll do so gently, even though your feelings are understandably hurt, because adding more misery to the world is not helpful, and because her discomfort with your husband is probably beyond her control.

None of us can really force ourselves to be comfortable around anyone – the best we might manage is to pretend. So please try to understand that she's not deliberately choosing her discomfort. She's just looking for a way to deal with it, and unfortunately, that puts your friendship on the line if you think of you and your husband as a package deal.

It's probably not helpful for your own peace of mind to "feel judged" because she's expressed discomfort with your spouse. It doesn't sound, from what you've said, that she's expressed any sort of judgement about you. And even if she did, it's either true and therefore you could simply agree with her, or it's not true, and therefore you can reasonably shrug it off.

Are you sure that what you're actually feeling isn't simple disappointment, sadness, or even anger about the loss of your image of what this friendship might be? Those sorts of feelings would be normal, and will take some time for you to process as you move on.

Do you think this has something to do with your husband? Or could this be more about your friend's own emotional triggers and issues that she needs to work out and resolve? I could see where it maybe possible that something about your husband triggers an emotional hot button for her. If that's the case, then it's possible that this is all about her and how she's processing things and little if anything to do with you or your husband. And again, if that's the case, I would probably keep that in mind and not bother confronting her. Why cause conflict with someone who maybe suffering. Just my perspective on things. . .

L.,

What is the point to "confront" this woman. She has been honest with you. Whether this is reasonable or hurtful is another story, but at least she was honest.

Know that she will probably talk "bad" about you if you walk away and just be okay with it. You can't control that and others will figure it out anyway. Try to let go of your anger, but obviously you don't want to continue the friendship. You can choose to either become very busy until she gets the message. Or you can choose to tell her the truth. That you were hurt by what she said. But a big confrontations is just not going to help you in the end.

Hi L.,
Your "friend" has an idiot therapist. I don't know who would encourage anyone to speak negatively about one's spouse and then expect for the friendship to go on. At least, if anyone spoke that way about my hub, I would feel the same way you are feeling. I would play it cool, as you said. Even though it would be deliciously and satisfying short term to say something, long term and to keep things cordial between families at school events etc. would be just to discontinue taking her calls/scheduling to do things together.
Best of luck.
N.

I don't think there's any good reason to unload your feelings on your "friend." She knows she did a knucklehead thing but apparently she had to do it for whatever is going on in her life right now. If I were you, I'd switch into "casual associate" mode. You know, polite at pick up/drop offs, be polite on the phone if she calls but I wouldn't "hang out" anymore.....

This woman is not your friend, she never was. A true friend would never confront you with the news that they dislike your loved one. I would bet that she has been harbouring these feelings for a long time. There is no future for your friendship and no good will come from confronting her. You are mad and hurt, and when people are mad and hurt they say and do things they normally wouldn't. If you say something you regret, then the situation will just escalate. I say just let it go. Be glad you saw her true colors, and you know what kind of person she really is. You don't need someone like that in your life. You deserve better, and you need to surround yourself with kind and good people. Just distance yourself, if she calls don't answer. She will get the idea. If you run into her in public, smile and go the other way. I am so sorry that your "friend" hurt you like this. I know how bad it can sting when you discover that your friend is no friend at all. I wish you luck and I hope you can get over your hurt and anger soon. :)

You began your post with saying that this friend has some mental issues. So I'm wondering if you shouldn't consider that her issues may have something to do with what she has said about your husband. Since you also said that your husband has some mental issues too, perhaps being around him is just too much of a reminder to her and her husband of her own problems.
Have you had an opportunity to hear from her husband his side of this? If you can do so, that might be enlightening as well.
I would continue to be a casual friend without making a big issue of this. When something comes up in regular conversation - such as her asking why the two of you aren't getting together as often - simply say that since her husband isn't keen on getting together with your husband you are respecting that and so it gives you less time to spend with her too.
Remember that what you heard from her was simply that. Whether her therapist actually told her the things she says, or whether her husband truly doesn't care for your husband are simply what she's told you. Even people with no mental issues sometimes make up stuff for their own convenience. Since you already know she has mental issues, you need to weigh carefully whether all she said is even true, before you judge the friendship on those things.

She still wants to be friends with you, but they don't like your husband? No concrete reason given, except your husband makes hers "uncomfortable" Did she say what has he done that offends them so much? Is he so insecure with his marriage that because his wife and your husband have a medical condition in common he perceives that as a threat? Sad, but it's their loss. I don't think you have to confront her. I agree with your Mom about playing it cool. I think she'll get the hint that you're not going to continue being friends when she finds out about the soccer teams. Be cordial because your kids are still friends and school mates, and it's never good to make and enemy with someone in your school community, but yeah, I wouldn't be scheduling any playdates or being around them socially any more than is necessary.

I agree with Anette. I don't understand why they would feel uncomfortable because of your husband, but it really doesn't even matter why.
Stay away, if you see them be just polite, no friendly.
I would ask my husband if he knows what is going on and also to let him know how these people feel, so he doesn't go and talk to them only to find out in a mean way.

L.,

I would suggest that you move on. If you happen to run into her, be civil…hello, goodbye, good game etc.

I moved on from a very long friendship because my former “best friend’s” husband basically “tolerated” me because she and I were friends (like sisters) for many years. He also tolerated me because I knew things (through mutual friends) from his past (long before they met) which were not so savory. He had long since cleaned up his act, but had not shared his past with my friend. He’s been a good husband to her and she is happy and I am happy for them.

Still whenever we got together I could feel the tension. I think it was because he thought I might talk to her about his past. I would have if he had EVER exhibited his OLD ways, but he didn’t and I wouldn’t dream of hurting my friend.

As the years passed (and they pass quickly), things got more strained when I was around them and I finally decided to just stop feeling uncomfortable and cut ties completely.

I know she’s happy and well taken care of. I cherish the friendship we once had but I don’t miss being with them because things change and there comes a time when we need to move on.

Blessings….

L., You are not in Jr. High or in High School andit sounds as if you are responding that way.
You said that you understood that she as well as your husband have amental illness. Maybe then you need to understand andappreciate how hard it was for her to be open and honest about what she had tosay. Maybe the two personalities just set off the illness in one another, or that they can not have the safe boundries they need to protect themselves and deal with another's problems. In the real world people change and out grow one another all the time. She could have been "just busy" all the time and not told you the why of the change but she didn't. What possible use is it to be angry? Why punish the children becasue the adults can't act like adults? You can be casual withone another and kind to one another yet not have tobe buddy buddy --it happens all the time. You will have to accept that you may end up working on the same fundraiser board or something at pre-school and be the adult in the situation and not react. To even bring up the fact that she is talking about others means that you also were talking about others so fair is fair. I have had people that I really like and peopl;e that I have accepted over the many years with 5 children and in different organizations I have been in. I am sure that I wasn't the top 10 favorite friend of some as well. But you learn that its alright and that people are what they are different and change is good.
I wish you luck for your children.

I think moving on would be a good thing. I don't see the point of confronting her, she talked to you and was quite honest about what is going on. I think you want to "talk" becasue you are hurt and want to be nasty back. There is no reason to beat a dead horse so move on.

I have lost a friend because she didn't like my spouse, but we could have continued our friendship if she hadn't been mean about it. In your situation you feel hurt because her hubby doesn't want to spend time with your hubby. You can't force a spouse of a friend to be a friend to your spouse.
In my situation I was 6 months pregnant and live 6 hours from this friend. She sent me an email disinviting my husband to her wedding but telling me that my parents and I would still be invited. She doesn't like my hubby but couldn't tell me when we had been together 3 months earlier at a get together. Hardly ever did she even have to be around my hubby except my own kids bday party.
Our friendship was not salvagable because of the way she went about hurting me. I know that I cannot force any of my friends to like my hubby and I do not have to like theirs but as a Friend in group situations you are nice and polite to those people as to not hurt your friend.
Instead of avoiding the situation, calmly explain to her that you cannot continue a friendship with her but would like to remain civil for your childrens sake. As you will run into at more than one place I would always just be extra kind to give her no ammunition for talking badly about your family. I recently went to a wedding of a mutual friend of my exfriend. I killed her with kindness asking about her parents and children and being really sweet and nice. Good luck :)

Hi,
You are lucky she told you what kind of person she is. She does not sound like a friend and not worth the effort you are putting into this. You should be nice when you run into to her, but not be involved with her or her family anymore. Put your energy into meeting and hanging out with nice people and in your family, don't waste anymore time on her.

Don't even waste anymore of your time on her. She's entitled to her opinion but that is your husband. Her comments have obviously hurt you and if you try to remain friends, it's only going to be more drama.I would definitely keep as much distance as possible and discontinue the friendship without it having to be a scene. I wouldn't confront her, I would just let it go. She should get the hint but if she doesn't, then let her know that the friendship is just not working for you. You don't need to go into long details about it, just let her know calmly and that you want no drama for your children's sake. Don't waste your time on someone who can't respect your family.

It always hurts to feel like you've been the topic of conversation! I think I would just distance myself from her and if she insists on talking, then be honest. Just tell her you feel like you've been the topic of conversation and that makes you uncomfortable and that you really don't want to hang out with someone who doesn't care for your spouse. You can still be "hi/bye" friends, but not hang out.

You have reason to be angry, no doubt. This was a bit unkind and mostly tactless and done in a hurtful way, but is it going to help the situation to deal with it any further? No. It will only make you more upset and more mad and you'll continue to think of things you should have said. I think you should let it go...talk about it and rant to your friends and family and in a couple days I think you'll feel better and realize that discontinuing the discussion and the relationship any further was for the best. Sometimes when I feel so angry and hurt I just want to continue talking about it to prove my point or make the other person hurt too, but when I let it ride, I always feel better in the end.

Well if she no longer wants to be around your husband, what's the question? Move on. Did you develop that much of a relationship?

Mental illness issues aside...I can empathize with the husband discord situation.

My very dear friend "Betsy" married a man "Joe" who my husband can tolerate (because he too considers Betsy a good friend) but he really doesn't dig Joe. And none of our mutual friends can tolerate him either. While this may sound mean and actually was very out of character for the guys...They said after one party, "I don't ever want to hang out w/Joe again". Mean perhaps. Could've been phrased more tactfully for sure. But, they were being honest. And since my DH and I are the "link" between a group of friends and Betsy & Joe, I have tried to honor their request re: Joe. It now means I have to maintain two sets of friends, two sets of parties, etc. It means Betsy sees far less of these friends than she would like because she senses the discord they feel for Joe but will not go any where without him.

But my situation is very different from yours. I am going to great lengths to retain a friendship because we have known each other for 20+ years. You have only know this mom for a few months? I think for your own peace of mind, I would just let this connection fizzle out.

Besides...The fact that her husband's feelings dictate who her connections are...? That sounds hinky too me and perhaps her husband's controlling ways are contributing to her mental health issues. As I mentioned, my DH tolerates Joe as a kindness to me because it makes it easier for me to keep a friendship that is meaningful intact.

I think it would be healthiest to...............just let it go!
Good luck!

Personally, I would want to know what makes her husband/her so uncomfortable. It could be something that could be easily rendered or something that tells you who they really are. It could be her husbands issues/illness and nothing really to do with your husband. There are several women I enjoy hanging out with. Some with kids and some with out. Most of the time it is with out husbands. Anyhow, you don't have to be rude or hurtful but you could consider finding out the details and then deside how to move forward. The kids could end up in school a long time together and could be easier/harder on them depending on what you choose to do.

you should really tread lightly with this one , depending on her illness , and if she does or does not take medication it, could be something like a side effect of one of them or a sign that it needs to be changed.
When I'm crashing off of mine I get paranoid.
I'm not saying friends before spouse or s.o. , but also did you ask her if your husband might have done something or said something , even an off hand comment. Anyway I'd ask more questions and try to get to the bottom of it.
If you can't really find a reason , if you were having fun with just her, I'd leave the men out of it.
Since you will see her other places you might just have to smile and make nice at those places.

"I don't want to continue the friendship" then don't, you're not required to. She told you how she felt, you can share your thoughts if you wish without confronting her. "I understand you don't feel comfortable around my husband... I don't feel comfortable maintaining a friendship with someone who doesn't want to include him" Depending on which mental illness she suffers from it may not go as smoothly as one would hope.

Maybe her husband doesn't like the way SHE acts while or after you've all been hanging out together. If she enjoys interacting with you and gets no lashback at home afterwards then maybe stick to parkdates and midweek outings. Let he know that you're keeping your distance because your uncertain how to proceed and don't want to cause her any more strife in her family life. Just pretending to be "too busy" to respond to her is an abandonment from her perspective and w/o the details seems "flaky" on your part. If you find yourself missing her friendship you can tell her that you're a bit bewildered and would appreciate some clarification. Maybe when preschool starts back up you can ask how her summer went (say that yours flew by) and meet up for coffee while the kids are in school. That way you're starting the school year off on the right foot and don't have to act sheepishly at group events you'll both be at.

Of course you had to tell her you couldn't continue to be her friend if she and her husband couldn't be friends with your husband. You are going to have to let the hurt feelings go as you do not know truly in what state of mind she is in to reject your husband. Be a polite acquaintance and move on. Be there for your hubs incase he takes it to heart.

She sounds a little nutty to me. Not worth your time or energy on letting her know how you feel. I would just ignore her and stay far away from her, do not answer her calls nothing. Thats the best way to let someone know how you feel.

You do not need to put yourself through this stress for a person that is mentally unbalanced. The fact that she sees a therapist and probably is following advice from them and/or her husband is enough to not be bothered by her. She may have been a friend but clearly she did not get what she wanted from you in the time you hung together and is now using you against her.Move on from her and do not hurt yourself waiting for her to ask you to be her friend any more. You can find much better people to be around that value you as their tru friends.
Good luck
T.

i know i am late answering but i had a VERY similar thing happen - my "friend" wanted me to know that "I" was invited a party, but well, my husband, not so much. my FRIEND....yeah. not so much. that is the kind of friend you don't need. unless your hubby was directly rude and or mean to her or her husband, there is NO reason to make such a drama out of it and deliberately hurt your feelings. just let it go and move on. she shouldn't expect things to be bright and cheery between you after that, she will probably not expect the two of you to be best buds still. don't sweat it. i think it's a horribly judgemental and hurtful thing to do to a "friend". as you can see i am still hurt by my own situation. this "former friend" and myself do not speak at all. we started to mend our professional relationship (we work together and see each other every day) we would say good morning cordially and move on, but then she stabbed me in the back yet again in another way, sooo yes. i don't feel this is something either you or i need to worry ourselves over. a certain kind of person treats others that way. it's not being a friend at all. hang in there, and i'm really sorry.

It is great and healthy when you are maried to have "couple" friends. Couples you and your husband can spend time with. It is also a good thing to have your own friends. You didnt mention her and her husbands reasons for not wanting to socialize with your husband, but I think it took a lot for her to be honest with you. At the same time, we love our husbands and think the whole world should as well. Well, that isnt reality. We all dont align as easily.

I think be honest with her and say, I love my husband and it hurt when you spoke negitiviely about him. Though you dont understand why she and her husbands feels as such, you still want to remain friends. Also let her know, it may be hard spending time with her, as you and your husband are a package deal. Maybe agree to do coffee with her once in a while. You AND your husband will be at soccer games, daycare, ect....the friendship may dwindle.

I had a friend whom I couldnt stand her husband. I did tell her nicely and we didnt do things as couples, just her and I would go out. The friendship did fade as she wanted to do couple things. I wont get into why I didnt like her husband. I do miss her friendship, but life is to short to be FORCE to be with people I am uncomfortable being with during my free time.

If you did enjoy her company, try to resolve the issue of hurt feelings and enjoy some "girl time". I do wish my friend and I could have, as I miss her a ton.

Dont continue the friendship. This doesn't mean you should go on the attack or become angrier. What she did was unfriendly, so unfriend her. You are only responsible for your own actions, not hers. Gossip is wrong, and I wouldnt talk about her again. Not even with Mom. Just mentally walk away. Need a distraction from the feelings? Read a book. An idle mind is the Devils toy.

I am so sorry that you were hurt. It is difficult to find "friends" that care about who people are and what they are about. Be nice to her when you see her but don't go out of your way to see her. If she calls to talk, don't put her off - just say your peace politely and move on. Maybe in time, things may repair itself but don't put yourself out to get hurt again. Keep your chin up, you will heal.

L.,

I cannot give you advice because I need more information. You didn't state why your friend and her husband do not want to hang out with your husband anymore. Did your husband do or say something mean to them? Please explain in further detail, and I will be happy to give you my advice.