Selfish Son

He still has a lot of growing up to do.
He won't appreciate anything you do for him.
He feels you owe it to him and he's got a chip on his shoulder.
There's no need to listen to his little 'pity-me' party.
He had Christmas dinner - once a year is quite enough until (if ever) his attitude changes.
If I were you, he'd be on his own for New Years.
If he wants money for college, the Army and Navy have some very good programs and ways to help pay for it.
You raised him to 18 and you have other kids to raise.
He's got to grow the rest of the way under his own power.

Invite him over, let him drop by, listen to what he has to say - but don't give him any handouts. One day he'll grow up and appreciate what you did for him. And, if he finished college, the degree will mean more to him because he actually had to work for it. A good response to complaining and whining is to say "I'm sorry you feel that way", and let it go at that. (This comes from Teaching/Parenting with Love and Logic - I've used it in my classroom and with my very young son - it works.)

My opinion is, do not give in to his whining about needing money/better car etc., he is trying to manipulate you. But that doesn't necessarily mean he is and always will be a "bad person". 20 years old is old enough for him to be supporting himself but in my experience, 20 year olds are often still in that "selfish" teenager phase (and I am including myself in this!) In a few years, when he grows up a bit and sees what the world is all about, he may well see things more clearly and show thankfulness for all you have done.

As for New Years: you can either nicely tell him that you already have plans, or tell him he is welcome to come over- as well as what he can contribute to the party! (dip, chips, a bottle of wine, etc)

I may get bashed for this, but here goes:

I would lose the attitude. Your son came home to spend Christmas with you after you kicked him out at age 18 and changed the locks! He wants to have a relationship with you. Consider yourself lucky. If my parents did that to me, I would head for the hills and never return. He didn't bring a gift? Did you have a gift for him? Were you excited to see him, or did you begrudge him his meal, as it seems to me? What did you want him to do, come crawling on hands and knees thanking you for parenting him? Guess what? _You_ chose to have him. It's your job to parent him. It'd be nice if he said thanks, but it's nothing you're owed.

You can't repair your selfish son. You can love your child, who is imperfect as all people are. Or you can lose him. You pick.

You can't repair him because HE'S NOT BROKEN! He is a living breathing human being with amazing strengths, just like all of us, and some shortcomings, just like all of us. If you heard yourself sigh in your head (or out loud) when you read the part about 'amazing strengths', you are no where near ready to be a good person for your son to be around if he's to grow into a well functioning happy human being.

Many will bash me I'm sure for saying this, but I don't think we are blessed with our children to have their gratitude. They don't owe us gifts and thanks at all....but if we've done well by them we get those things anyways. We are parents to hopefully raise happy and well adjusted and well functioning kids. Their happiness and success IS our thanks.

I'm sure you've been through a lot with him to have kicked his 'butt' out, but did it ever occur to you that children struggling with all of the things you described are NOT HAPPY...not with themselves most of all? That he wasn't waking up everyday thinking of how to make you suffer, but instead, with all of the thoughts and feelings that made him miserable?

You and other mama's who are fans of tough love, here it is: you are being selfish for not trying to see the best in your kids who are struggling and you are selfish for making it ALL about whether they are grateful or entitled or ungrateful. Because here is what I read: he's selfish for expecting/complaining about not having you give him material things, but somehow you aren't selfish for expecting a 20 year old broke son to show up with material presents. He's selfish for wanting help with college, yet he's also selfish for being suspended in earlier years. Which is it? you want him educated or not?

I know I'm coming across harsh and maybe even mean. I apologize. It's just so frustrating to read about a boy who is clearly struggling, even making his own attempt at repair by coming home for the holidays, and not once did you say anything nice about him. It's frustrating because you want a better relationship and don't recognize you are part of the problem. He owns his part of the problem but not all of it. You have plenty of mama's who will comfort and side with you, which is good. My role' the purpose of my response, is to give it to you straight so you can maybe have the close relationship with your son that you deserve and wish for. My purpose is to simply say stop making him the scape-goat, acknowledge what he's doing RIGHT, acknowledge what everyone could be better at, and focus on what you want instead of what you don't currently have or what has happened in the past.

If you love your son and want to be part of the solution (handouts have nothing to do with providing a caring and supportive relationship with high expectations...the two are not mutually exclusive) then LET THE PAST GO. Figure out what you want, from yourself and him, and start doing it. You have to give respect to get it and just because you are a parent doesn't mean you don't model respect. Get to know him as a human being' what he likes and what makes him feel the best about who he is and build on that. Because no one ever succeeded from hearing all that is wrong with them. We succeed when we have others help us see our own good when we can't. And if he's been overly dependent on you it's because he doesn't see his own good.

Hate me for my views, dismiss them, do what you will. Just know us mama's have strengths too. We should be focusing on creative ways to shine for our children, not simple 'outs' for how to blame our children for their own suffering.

And by the way, we are parents for life, not until our kids turn 18. The brain is barely half way developing at 18 (it's a fact, look it up), so your job isn't done. Get some family counseling so you can find what it means to cherish him again and so you can all repair together.

Despite my harsh tone, I truly wish you well and for your family to heal from all this negativity and blame. Because at the end of the day, it doesn't matter who did what, it only matters who loves who. JMO.

I sympathize with the position you were put in and for having a strained relationship w/ your son. That can't be easy. It sounds like your son, although an adult, is very much still a child too. You hear him whining, he problably sees it as telling you how much he misses being home.

He came home for Christmas to be w/ the family...it isn't about gifts or cards he didn't have....Christmas is about being with loved ones. I would definately let him come for New Years...he is reaching out to you.

I hate to say it, but you sound selfish too (stating he showed up empty-handed). I personally would rather have my children (grown or not) with me than all the presents in the world.

Ally J gave you some insightful, if uncomfortable, observations. I hope you can hold out the possibility that your son is probably not completely responsible for how he is.

This young man can be considered "selfish," but in truth we are all selfish. If people make choices that are generous and giving, it's either because they find some emotional or material gratification in being that way, or because they are afraid of the consequences if they are not. So people are either joyful givers or stressed and resentful givers (or perhaps, as with your son, non-givers). And of course, some people give for the purpose of obligating others.

It sounds like, where your son is concerned, you feel stressed and resentful for what you have given him in the past that he hasn't adequately stroked you for, thus depriving you of the gratitude you want. And you expected all your giving to result in a happier, more responsible and giving adult. Not at all an unreasonable hope, since it often does turn out that way, but it may be helpful to stay aware that when we give, we almost always have some expectation of reward. It's simple human nature to be behave in our own self-interest, in order to meet some personal hope or need.

Since your son sounds like a glass-half-full sort of guy, it's possibly a combination of personality and depression. He was probably born that way. (And now that he's had 20 years of interpreting his own experiences through shades, he's probably even more pessimistic.) Some children are born with a strong tendency toward depression, some are born with what amounts to emotional or psychological "learning disabilities," and these can be based in the actual physiology and chemical reactivity of the brain. Unfortunately, science is only now learning much about the genetics that set us up to be happy, contented persons or sad, anxious, or angry persons.

If I were in your position, I would tell my son that the last get together didn't meet my needs, and that it didn't appear to meet his needs, either. I would wonder aloud what needs he might have, and give him a chance to express them. I'd want to listen closely, and see whether I can help him clarify his needs – it sounds like he stops at a superficial level (food and boredom) and doesn't yet recognize that emotional needs are actually deeper and more refined than that.

If I could help him understand that his deeper needs are things like needing to feel loved, respected, and appreciated, he would be better able to know what I mean when I tell him I need the same things. If you can reach that level of communication and trust, you have a real opportunity to move toward a relationship that you will both find more satisfying. If that seems beyond his reach, then it may be awhile before you get there. But if you recognize the value of that goal, you can try guiding future conversations toward actual needs.

There's a lovely communication process that can help you with this, called Non-Violent Communication. Google this for descriptions and examples, books and classes. I wish you all the best.

Tell him he can come by if he can ask politely and then be polite and not whine about everything he doesn't have while he's there. If he starts whining about his sorry life while he's at your house, tell him to leave and come back when he can be positive.

You did the right thing, but it often takes longer for them to mature. Keep it up, you're on the right track.

of course we don't know all the details of the difficult times growing up that led to you moving him out. So I apologize if I am off base, just what I got from your breif explanation.

I can speak from the experience I watched my husband go through as a child with this same kind of "tough love" approach. There was alot of immaturity on all sides of the situation. I have a teenage son who has been in adn out of some trouble adn I can not imagine putting him onto the streets. He needs help in growing up. If it is not something you can do or want to then at least help him find it in the form of counseling, rehab if drugs/alcohol are involved etc.

My husband is now a pretty well adjusted man and an incredible husband/father. Nothing like his parents adn I equate it all to the counseling I helped him through when we met. He had a lot of anger towards his parents for things even prior to the falling out at 18.

Have you tried to talk to your son at length about why he began acting out. Was there something he didnt agree with? Allow him to speak to you with honesty and not judge him or defend your/your hubby's actions until it is your turn. My hubby has not spoken to his mother for over 10 years because when he tries to talk to her about how he felt growing up and what caused him to start acting out she defends/denys things which in turn un-validate his own feelings. He has no desire to be made to feel like that.

I see your son coming over for Christmas/NYE as him reaching out to you. He is still a kid and doesn't know how to express his feelings appropriately. Take these baby steps with him and open up to try to repair your relationship.

A big step for you as parents would be to FORGIVE. Forgive him his prior problems that led to his moving out and get to know your son again and go forward. If he feels like there is still a grudge for past occurances he will never feel comfortable to grow and move on.

Mama, I think you need to let the past go. You brought this child into the world and you are responsible for loving him forever. FOREVER. The fact that he came home at Christmas is a huge effort on his part-- you need to meet him more than half way. Does that mean you need to write him checks or endure disrespectful behavior? Of course not. But why wouldn't you want him-- just him, not presents or cards-- for Christmas? And New Years? He's 20-- it will be another 10 years before the frontal parts of his brain, the ones responsible for planning and foresight, are fully developed. He'll get there, but it won't be with you and your family if you guys don't love him hard now. You complain that he only talks about "parties he couldn't attend, trips to questionable places with questionable people we would not let him do, etc." but then you turn around and say that all you remember is the school suspensions, all the advocating you had to do for him (isn't that your JOB?!?). He sounds like a chip off the old block, if you ask me.

Which isn't unusual- the things we dislike in other are often the ones we dislike in ourselves the most. I have a younger brother who left our family at 18 and has only spoken to us on occasion since. He's an alcoholic, clinically depressed, and seems to be missing whatever "clue gene" most of us have to get us through our lives in reasonable fashion. We haven't seen him for 3 Christmases now, and I guarantee you we wouldn't be complaining if he showed up without presents. We'd just be thrilled to see him, know that he has had a good meal and been with people who love him. Which, it seems to me, is what Christmas is really about. Bottom line, if you don't want this kid in your life, if you want to abdicate on your maternal duties, keep acting like this and, I promise you, the problem will go away. But if you (and your son) are serious about repairing your relationship, I would speak either singly or as a family to a councilor and see how you can move forward. I wish your family the best in 2011.

Set firm guidelines.
Say:
"We enjoy spending time with people who are helpful, respect us and act like members of this family. If you can abide by that, then you are welcome. Otherwise, you should find something else to do."

If you are on a journey to repair your relationship, start with mutual respect and courtesy. Expecting gifts or cards is going too far for now. He is angry and will NOT be bringing gifts for a while.

Ronnie is exactly right! Your "prodigal son" had nothing and was confused and very torn. Baby steps---not gifts, hugs and love just yet. But you can try to give him a hug when he enters or leaves the house next.....
My 18 year old quit the hugs when he was about 14, and was even uncomfortable hugging before college. Now he has been away for a semester and we get BIG hugs now.

Start with respect and helpfulness. When he starts to whine and gripe, warn him and if he doesn't break his pattern, he has to leave.

Try the book "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud. Y'all really need to read it.

I had brother in a similar situation with a similar attitude. He had many issues with depression and I would do anything to just be able to spend time with him. He didn't always feel loved or welcomed and stopped coming to family events. He felt like a burden. He took his life this past Spring.

Sometimes we have to overlook the past and focus on just loving each other and not what others can "give" us. I would suggest to lead by example in just wanting to spend time as a family and take interest in one another without expectations. He will see that a comfortable, loving environment is worth more than having a nice car or dorm room. Attitudes take time to change. I would be patient and always loving. The job of a mother does not stop at age 18. As an adult daughter, I still long for a relationship with my parents that is based on unconditional love. I do not have this in my life and it is devastating for me.

A therapist can help you learn about healthy boundaries and showing love in a way that will support your son without enabling his undesirable behaviors. There are also many books out there regarding boundaries. Don't give up on your son as my parents did with me and my brother. God entrusted our children to us so that we can demonstrate His great love to them through us. It is the greatest job with many rewards and many more trials but it is so worth it. I wish you the best and applaud you in taking steps to repair this relationship.

I would allow him to come over for New Years. He's making an attempt at having a relationship with you, and I would not pass up that opportunity. If you shut him out now, you may not get a second chance. I would not offer to pay for college, or give him money. You did the right thing making him take responsibility for himself. Why are you angry that he didn't bring you a Christmas present? He's broke, his male (so greeting cards are not going to occur to him) but he did swallow his pride and visit you even though he was thrown out of your home for being disrepectful and irresponsible. THAT is your Christmas present. If you want to rebuild a relationship with him, you have to spend time together, even during this period of his life when he is trying to come to terms with the opportunities he's missed because of his behavior. There's no need for you to drag out the past, I'm sure he remembers, but who would want to talk about so many mistakes? Suggest ways he can go to college while working, or find a job somewhere they reimburse you for college courses when he complains about not being in college.
Good luck.

You can't repair him. He has to want it bad enough for himself. You've done all you can do. The sad thing is, he may never come around to seeing the sacrifices you've made, and to be grateful for your love and support. He will probably never recognize his own selfishness, and the part he has played in the unfolding of his life.

On the lack of generosity on his part (no gifts and no physical affection), he obviously couldn't afford to bring a gift. Perhaps you'd have been equally as incensed had he shown up with a stolen gift that he obviously couldn't afford, or with a cheap $2 gift. He brought you the gift of his presence. Should you have him over for NY's? Maybe tell him he's welcomed to come but it's on your terms: no whining, and no lamenting what he doesn't have, and what you're not giving him, etc. He comes with a grateful heart that you're even willing to let him in the door, or he doesn't come at all.

You can't repair him. I wish you could. But he has to learn this sort of thing on his own. I would expect such behavior more of a thirteen-year-old but, when I think about it again, there are folks of grandpa/grandma age who behave as if the world owes them a living - or at least as if their relatives do.

It's too bad. But maybe you need to say, "Goodbye - love you!" and keep saying it until, at the very least, he wonders about that and begins asking why you've said goodbye. Perhaps then there will be a chance for both talking and listening.

Keep in mind (sad to think, but it's necessary to consider it these days) that your son may have some sort of addiction and is actually looking for support for it.

Hi, K:

Just for your information: This is how young adults are now a days.

The question is: Do you feel like you want him to share New Years with y'all?

If yes, then invite him knowing that he is going to play on your empathy.
If no, then how are you going to cope with how you feel about saying no?

You know, the service is an excellent way to give him an opportunity to have a job, housing, and education.

My son sounds like your son back when he was his age. Of course, he signed up for the army before he graduated from HS so I knew he was going into the service in January of the next year. I had told him he had to pay rent and he left because he didn't want to pay rent.
At Thanksgiving of the year he graduated he came back home because I felt empathy for him but I knew he was going into the service in January of the following year so I bit the bullet to let him stay.

Now my son had no car, no cell phone or electronics like the kids have today. He received his driver's license in the Army at the age of 19.
I was a drill sgt. raising my children. I didn't want the courts to become the disciplinarians.

Your son has a choice, he can go into the service and give himself all the stuff he says he missed out on or he can sit and stew about what he doesn't have now.

Eagles have nests that are prickly. They put feathers or whatever to make the nest soft. When the eaglets are ready to leave the nests, they pull out the feathers and soft stuff. The prickles cause the eaglets to leave the nest and built their own.

Hope this helps.
Keep strong. You're doing the right thing.
D.

Unfortunately there is nothing more you can do except hope he finally grows up. Good job on the tough love...your actions are possibly the only thing that may motivate him to better himself. Kudor for sticking to your guns...once he mans up and choses a path "maybe" you can help him with schooling...other than that I would be very frank in explaining you love him but you are not in love with the choices he makes...and maybe as an "adult" he will start bearing the responsibility of his own actions.

Your son wants handouts...do not do it and let him know you love him and want to see him but the whining needs to stop! My grandmother let my uncle live in her home, and be a bum (losing job after job and getting arrested and losing his license, etc. doing drugs), for YEARS! He was still living with her (and wife #2 -- now divorced) when she died -- she was about 71 and he was in his 40s! He never learned to fend for himself, assume responsibility for his own actions, etc.

My parents did NOT provide handouts...and I am glad. They married young (18 and 19), had me a year later and my sister 3.5 years later. They worked hard and wanted their kids to earn their own way and work hard. I had my first job at 15 and applied for scholarships, grants, and Stafford student loans to get through college while working 2 part time jobs. I am now a successful attorney and my sister is a research coordinator for neurosurgery at a reknown hospital. We are both married, I have 2 kids and one on the way, and are as well-adjusted as any two people can be.

I think too many kids these days act ENTITLED. They expect everything to be handed to them. I too had friends whose entire college educations were paid for by their parents (including my now-husband's), cars bought for them by parents that were new and swanky, and even some parents paid their kids' credit card tabs (that were filled with shopping and barbills) while we were in college. Some turned out AOK, some didn't and now have collections companies after them and ended up moving back in with mom and dad as adults (I am 32).

If your son wants something bad enough, he will find a way to do it. It is one thing to help out a respectful young man (as my husband was) if it is within your means....it is another to give and give to an entitled brat! I know it is hard to do, but he will be a better man for it in the future (hopefully).

Do not expect any gifts or courtesies from him -- he is still too immature to appreciate what you are doing for him and angry at you. If he wants to come by, invite him over....but don't let him guilt you or ruin your fun!

Best wishes!

First of all, very strong of you to go the tough love route. It sounds like you tried to guide him for 18 years and now it is up to him. Some people need longer to be ready for life, but if he is just abusing your kindness, then you would only get hurt and he won't learn a thing. So, good for you to take the difficult but sensible path.
Maybe you could invite him for New Year's and sit him down after dinner and tell him all the above you told us. Or perhaps put it in writing beforehand. I often find that difficult discussions are better written in a letter or email. That way you can make sure you do not get into emotional arguments over wording but get the main points out. I would try to set it up in a pro/con kind of columns: we did not let you go to this outing - the pro is that we felt they were a bad influence, the con is that you feel we control you. You came to Xmas dinner - the pro is we got to see you, the con is that you did not act like an adult to even thank us nor did you bring your little sister a gift. Start with an introductory paragraph that you really love him, want the best for him, that you did the best you knew how, but that once he became an adult he has not only privileges but also adult responsibilities, etc. Perhaps if he sees it in black and white it will awaken him. You could ask him to comment, maybe leave a column for his input. As you can tell I am a visual processor, some people process more via hearing (I hear that you ...) other kinetically (via emotions and movement, you feel...) Perhaps if you want him to better his life you can offer to pay for a semester of college, but that you will only continue to pay if the grades are B or better, or whatever arrangement you feel comfortable with. Offering an olive branch might be a way to repair the relationship, but with very strict rules attached.
I know I will find it very hard to be that tough when my kids (now 10 and 13) hit 18. The teens are just starting for us so who knows what our little darlings will turn into. My brother is in a similar situation with his son (who does have a diagnosed development disorder that I am not sure they supported him in properly) but his son is just stacking shelves at a local supermarket and abusing his parent's home as a base to sleep, eat and drink and get clean clothes but for the rest he is out doing what he wants - no rent paid, no kindness to his parents - I wish they would give him some tough love.
It may take years or never before he realizes you did all you could.

It is fine to push him into independence and growing up by not handing him money or taking care of his responsibilities for him. Just make sure you don't withold your love and guidance. Twenty year olds today are still "kids" that need direction. Sometimes the job of parenting doesn't end at a date in time. That doesn't mean you should allow yourself to be taken advantage of. If it is so bad that you don't want him in your home on holidays,or to feel at home when he is there, then maybe there is something more serious than a bad attitude going on. Drugs or mental illness perhaps? Teenagers are selfish, even more so when they are angry at their parents. Good for you and your husband for making sure he got through highschool. It is a two way street now, but you are still the mom and dad. Maybe you should try family counseling, especially for your daughters sake.

I am sorry that you are going through this. However, please understand that, at 18 years old, YOU are NOT responsible for repairing his selfish ways. He is an adult, and he does not live at home anymore. He is now responsible for accepting and dealing with the consequences of his behaviors, good and bad.

Therefore, IMO, I would tell him in as neutral a manner as possible that he is not invited to New Year's. It is not your problem that he has nothing to do. Explain to him that the holidays are for showing love and appreciatiation to your friends and family. Since he is unable to do this, as was demonstrated during Xmas, then his negative energy is not allowed around you or your daughter anymore. Period. And remind him that what he puts out in the world, is exactly what he will get back.

Your son has friends, right? Well, then, he needs to find a friend to live up the New Year with. Perhaps the ones who attend college and drive around in their new cars and such? If he is struggling to find even a single friend to hang with, then perhaps he will think twice about taking his family for granted.

Finally, remember that you did your job as parents. You loved him, you raised and educated him, fed him, gave him a nice home and sound morals. Now he is responsible for himself, and he needs to recognize this.

u cant repair him u can try to have a relatioship with him but it is always a 2 way street. some kids never get it.
good luck

Updated

glad u have not let him come over for new years day it is your house and he is old enough to know what he is doing. HAPPY NEW YEAR and GOD BLESS

I did not read the others responses but I did read your post. I think you did the right thing, and for him being so ungrateful at Christmas I would say no to New Years, that when he learns to grow up and learn the value of a dollar and work hard for what he wants and can respect you and your family then only will you have him over. But in doing so he needs to show he appreciates you and your family even if it's only a hand shake. For him to sit there and just eat and whine about things with out even so much as a thank you or a card or even something for his sister is rude. And tell him if his friends parents pay for all this stuff maybe he should observe how his friends treat their families. Also let him know you would have been more then happy to pay for college if he was grateful and hadn't done the stuff he done to put him in that place. You don't get respect you earn it and he has not earned it. Stick to your guns, keep him out. You have done well for two years and tried to be nice by letting him in on Christmas and all he did was ruin it for you, so no don't let him over for New Years. I do wish you and your family a happy new years from South Korea where my family and I are stationed until 2012 away from our family and friends. :) So good luck and don't falter with what you decide. Good luck.

I think you may need to just let him figure things out on his own a little while longer. 20 is still pretty young... I know when I was 20 and was out 'on my own' - I still thought I knew more than everyone (including my parents). I hope eventually he comes around and realizes all the things you did for him and WHY you did the things you did... but it may just take time for that to happen. I am 27 years old now and I have an awesome relationship with my parents. I think I was around 23-24 when I finally started to wise-up and have a great relationship with my parents.
Honestly, I wouldn't be very quick to let him back in to spend time with the family... your daughter is 8 and is at an impressionable age. If your son starts acting out and making a scene around her, she may start trying to act like him for attention.
I definitely think a sit-down discussion is a great idea. I would make sure that it is a completely "open" forum so you and your husband can voice your feelings/opinions - but at the same time he has a chance to speak too. I know when I was around his age, a lot of discussions my parents had with me seemed like they were just lecturing me - and I would immediately shut down and really not listen like I should have. Another thing... when you do sit down and talk to him, it may be a good idea to have your daughter go to a family member's or friend's house so she isn't around for it in case your son takes offense to anything and gets argumentative.
Do you think he'd be willing to go to family couseling?

I really wish you and your family the best of luck!
Happy New Year :)

Hes an adult. You can't repair what kind. Good work not enabling him further. When he has to pull himself up, he will. We were raised not to expect help after 18, and weren't disappointed when-guess what-we had to support ourselves after 18.

His complaining about all the things he doesn't have, and his selfish nature is his choice. A few years of hard work and tightened belts will make him appreciate what you did give him when he was your dependent. Don't indulge him right now, hes not at a mature place.

When I was suffering at 18, starving, working 3 minimum wage jobs at a time, living in a s___ hole, driving a clunker, etc, it never occurred to me my parents should be bailing me out. I was thankful for my youth and my health and knew that I had opportunities much greater than some people are born with. I was respectful to my parents and tried to put a brave face on to prove to them I was doing well, and I was all that much prouder as I climbed the job ladder and took risks and missed out on "fun stuff" my wealthier friends got to do, and I owned my own business by age 28 living in NYC making a great living. Now at 40 I look back fondly on the tough times and always appreciate what I have.

Regardless of what his perspective is or why he has it, he's an adult, and you can't change it. He sounds a lot like my brother was. He supported himself though, and finally outgrew the grudge at around age 30. Thank god my parents didn't indulge him. I would only have your son over if he agrees to be nice like any other loved one or guest, and if you think he won't, tell him why, and ask him not to come. He'll be mad no matter what, so just decide if you're in the mood for it in your house or not.

There are many grants and loans that are available for him depending on this interests and his background. Some are given by nationality, some are given by his talents and grades from school.
With the idea of this in mind, go to a good library, ask the reference desk for the book on grants and loans for college. There are many ways for paying tuition off, even by accepting a government job.
Keep loving him, he is worth it. Write letters of what you have found out re college. There are many avenues to pursue. Don't let him get lost...tech schools may be an answer.
Try BNI Business Networking International - if he is serious about what he can sell.
Continue communication....guys like to be silent. But know that he is still searching for himself. When I was young, I did not trust young men in relationships because I believed that the 20's were a time for a young man to establish the strength of his character for the rest of his life.....whether it be education, skills, creativity, or charitable works for the community. A young man needs a spring board for character development so that he may be an asset to himself, his family (if he chooses to have one), an asset to his friends, an asset to his community wherever he is, whatever he is doing. Let him be the one to cut the strings, this environment is not always conducive to bringing up strong (character) young men.
Have your child write letters, he will remember them in years to come, when she might need him the most.
Good luck and don't stop loving,

My mom has always said 25 was the magic age where kids wise up and seem to "get it". He is still young and I think you did the best thing for him. People have to learn to hit their own personal rock bottom before they pick themselves up again. He will come around and when he has children of his own he will understand that you did the best you knew how! Best of luck to you and I hope that 2011 is a healing year for you and your family!