Long-distance Relationship with Stepsons

Its the age! Granted, their behavior is rude, but this is their time for wings, not roots. If dad can maintain his relationship with them, encourage them, be their for them, their relationship will be stronger as their heading toward man-hood. Adolescence doesn't end until 25 when the brain is finally fully formed. Hold out for a few years by consistent love, availability, but allow them to fly.

Here's the rub, your husband will need to find out what its like to have a man-to-man relationship with his sons as he doesn't have any experience with it. Do not let him back too far off. They will make choices he may disapprove of, do things that will drive him up the wall and if his usual MO is to retreat, he needs encouragement to remain consistent.

It's the age, as a mom of 4 in that age group I can tell you that they just don't realize how hurtful something can be. Then add in the fact that you have distance and it makes it easier for them to behave that way.

They are trying to balance their 'adult' lives with still being children to their parents. We expect them to be 'adults' and yet they really aren't, yes the law says they are, but anyone who has been there will tell you that it's really not the case, it's like an adult version of the tween years. Somewhere in the middle.

Now, mine are still pretty close to me, they still live at home, but I do find myself having to sit back a lot and just watching things unfold. There are even times were I feel excluded, or not appreciated. I know in my heart that they don't mean for that to happen, but they are wrapped up in their own lives and don't always see how their actions affect others.

Continue to be their parent, in time, with age, they will come around and dad? Well he needs to hop his butt tang on a plane and visit those kids. Do not let distance harm the relationship, he needs to be proactive, it's his job to maintain the relationship so that way when they are ready...they'll know that he was always there for him.

You're willing to pay their air fare to visit you. I suggest that you and your husband fly to where they are. Give them a few weeks notice so that they can arrange their schedules. Continue to text and call so that they keep their Dad on their mind.

If the boys are still living at home talk with the mother to enlist her co-operation in making sure they're involved.

I suggest that when you and your husband moved away they used their father's coping device and withdrew from involvement. The felt hurt by the move even tho it had nothing to do with them. Feelings are frequently not based on reasonable expectations. By going to visit them, their Dad is telling and showing them that his relationship with them is important.

I think that Odd1's response is really on to something - because your husband had no relationship with is own father, he has no template for how to handle his relationship with his sons at this age. There are many parents and children separated by distance at this age as kids go off to college or move away. It doesn't sever the relationship. The difference in those scenarios is that there is a predictable time frame for the young adults to return "home" during school breaks and holidays, reinforcing connections by default. Because your husband doesn't have that situation, he's going to need to get creative about this and more pro-active.

My first suggestion would be that he fly out to see them on a regular basis. Yes it's inconvenient, and it would make sense for them to visit you, but it's been a year and that hasn't happened. When my husband was a young adult, he joined the Navy and had a really acrimonious relationship with his mother, and that extended to his father, who naturally supported is wife. Still, my FIL surprised him by showing up unannounced at his graduation from bootcamp, and then flew out periodically (from east coast to west) to visit him when he was stationed in San Diego. He didn't ask permission, he just showed up when he knew he was on land. He didn't make the trips a big deal or overstay his welcome, he just got there, took his son out to dinner, stuck around for a day or so and then headed back. He does the same thing now - he lives out of state for much of the year but makes an effort to fly up here every month or so just to say hi and spend time with us.

I would encourage your husband to do anything he can to physically spend time with his sons on a regular basis and re-build the relationship. At the end of the day, they're still kids and their dad moved away - it's on him to cover the distance back to them and continue to do so until he rebuilds his relationships with them and they mature into adults who can hold up their end of the relationship.

Does your husband have any male role models who he can look to for examples of how to handle these transitional years? I know that my husband admires how his dad handled him, and my FIL took his cues from an uncle whose approach resonated with him more than his own father's did. Maybe he really needs to talk this through with some peers who have kids who are a little older so he can get some ideas and encouragement.

Fly t o visit them ,maybe?

What I would like to advise is that you find a family counselor and go talk to HIM. (Find a man.) Once you feel that he is the right fit for your husband, get him to go with you. Tell the counselor in front of him what is going on. Having a professional talk to him is better than you nagging him.

I would think that yes, indeed, moving far away is part of this. Just like your husband is playing out his dad's scenario, his sons feel that their father abandoned them and it is a lot of WORK for them to feel close to him. Your husband is the adult and has to do the work. If he doesn't, he may lose them for the long run.

Dawn

Hey Fellow Stepmom! I would continue to encourage your husband to keep trying. Parenting means hanging in there regardless of what the child does. Right now the boys are acting jerky but as a dad he needs to keep being present in their lives. He left them first and needs to acknowledge that they might not trust him. He has repairing to do that can't happen over the phone. I like the idea of your husband flying out to see them. Validate your hubby's frustration but encourage him to do the right thing which is to love on those boys even if they push him away.

Keep trying. A parent never gives up. The kids are still young, and don't appreciate family yet. As long as their father keeps trying and keeps the door open, one day they'll come back. It might not be till they have kids of their own that they realize the importance of a father. Send cards, emails, text messages everyonce in a while to let them know that the door is always open and when they're ready or want to talk, he's there for them. Good luck. He could, and this is really tough, he could explain that his father abandoned him and he wants to be the best father he can. Can they help him figure out what that means to them. ?? A no response to that would be really hurtful though. Good luck again, the teenage years are almost over. :)

Some of the responses here have been good. But I don't agree with all of it. Yes, it's the age, but there is more to it than that.

I'm a stepmom of a 22-yr-old young man. DH & I have a 12-yr-old boy and 8-yr-old girl. So what I'm about to tell you is meant to be helpful. I'm not better than you.

Moving away was a huge mistake. (I'm saying this not to crucify you, what's done is done. But for anybody else reading to learn from this and see what results.) Even if it were to benefit one person (you and your daughter) it took a huge chunk from 2 other young people, who needed their father more.

If we got divorced and DH * had to * move away to another state or country for work, I would move also, so our children could have close, constant contact with their father. Trust me, I wouldn't be happy about leaving the place I love, but if it helps everyone, then I'd do it. (I know he wouldn't do it because his new wife wanted to, because the needs of other people are involved.) My dad died when I was 4. Having your loving, devoted father around is such a gift. I wouldn't want to deny anybody that.

So yes, the boys lost their father, to their new (lovely, sweet) wife and new baby. They were left. Put yourself in their shoes. Imagine your husband had no children, divorced you, remarried a sweet woman, has a new baby and moves away with his "new family." How would your daughter feel? Is that cool? No, it's not.

So there is that.

My husband's son moved in with us with he was 17 (long story). He lived in another country with his mom up to that point. My husband used to fly one weekend a month to see him, every month. Sometimes the ex-wife wouldn't let him see his son. That didn't deter my husband. You can't let that kind of stuff deter you when you are talking about flesh and blood. (And he flew his same age-cousins once a year for a vacation to help them bond and get to know one another. It worked. These things didn't just happen. DH cared enough to see it got done. And trust me, there were plenty of times DH could have sat in his own pity party. But the stakes were too high and he had to fight through a lot. His ex-wife's family was definitely trying to poison the relationship, prevent access and generally keep the boy from his father. DH made it plain to them he wasn't going to give up. SS saw living proof that dad did love and care for him.)

My husband spends every Saturday or Sunday hanging with his now-grown son. He has mentored him and guided him and this has been INVALUABLE to their relationship and SS's development. He's in college, has his own apartment, has a part time job. D is helping him, counseling him and not enabling him.

Right now, we could move out of state and DH could get a higher paying job. He wouldn't dream of it. Our lives are settled here, but primary reason is that he'd have to leave his son. SS is not ready for that. What's more important? More money? A bigger house? More stuff? Or the people you love? (Oh and BTW, SS was very envious of my son when he was a baby. Pretty normal and understandable. Over time that has changed. Both of my kids have a warm relationship to their big brother. And I'm so glad he is around. When I was sick a few months ago, and couldn't drive, and DH was away and I needed help, I asked SS for help and he was ready and willing to zip over (50 minutes away) to help me. Turns out I didn't need that, but that kind of devotion doesn't just happen.)

YOUR HUSBAND IS DISCOURAGED AND READY TO GIVE UP
Please God, no. What a huge mistake. A relationship is built over time. Your husband needs to PURSUE THEM (sorry, I don't have italics). Over time, it was communicated strongly to your stepsons that they came 2nd and 3rd and last. Now with other competing interests, they'd rather be doing other things. This has nothing to do with their mom. This has everything to do with the non-relationship they have with their dad.

Yes, they are teens, but it's your husbands job to maintain the cord of communication. And playing phone tag isn't working. They need face-to-face time and a lot of it. Once that's there, he'll get more respect and returned calls.

"We're not sure we can see you this Christmas." Means, "eh, we'd rather not. We'd rather spend it with other people."
Given that there is no relationship, that shouldn't be a surprise.

At this point, he should fly down for the weekend once a month or more. Ideally, alone, so he can focus on rebuilding the relationship without distraction. Once things are warmed up between them and his son's KNOW that dad cares as much about them as his new family, you and your daughter can start to visit. Then you can build that.

This is going to very hard for your DH because it hits all his buttons and he's telling himself lies (they are ungrateful bums).

He does need to sort through his issues as well.

So my advice to you is not to talk to the boy's yet. That's not going to go far. You need to work on building up your husband. Get him over there. Encourage him when he feels the door shut in his face. Or maybe just you two go, but let him be with the boys.

Your husband's main job is to rebuild the relationship. That is the primary thing here. Visiting for Christmas once a year is nothing. Thankfully, your head is on straight and you care about everyone involved. So you can do a lot behind the scenes to support them.

And don't talk to the mom. You're right that won't go off very well. That's not what's needed here. Over time, when they all see Dad's devotion and TIME, nobody will have to "talk" to anybody.

Good for you for trying to keep in touch. I think you may be right in that moving away has made it hard for the relationship with the "boys". Especially at this age when it is hard enough for parents and their young adults to interact on a regular bases. I have a 21 year old that lives at home when he's not at college and sometimes it could be days between actually seeing him....he's out when I get home, I'm in bed when he comes home, he's in bed when I leave for work. Imagine how hard that is and then add distance...

At 18 & 19, it is not their mom's job to tell them they have to call someone back. That was mom and dad's job to teach them in the years leading up to now. Most "kids" that age aren't quick to call "non friends" back. I will tell you that in my son's case, he always gets back to me relatively quickly. He gets back to his dad fairly quick too but may not reach out so quickly on his own. His dad on the other hand takes hours, days, weeks, and sometimes months to get back to us...always has. He was always quick to say "he can call me too" and I would remind him that "yes he could but he's the child and you're the parent so it's your job to reach out". I realize that is not the case with your husband as he is the one reaching out but he's got to keep trying.

Has he always been timely with getting back to his boys? How long ago did you move away? How did the boys take that move? They may feel he abandoned them (not saying he did, just that they may feel like it).

18 and 19 is the typical age for this kind of behavior and response. I even remember being this way with my own parents and there wasn't even a divorce or distance between us....I was just becoming an adult and independant, ya know? I think I remember my "thank you mom and dad, you were right about everything you ever tried to teach me, wish I was a kid again" phone call happening when I was about 26 LOL
You are a GREAT step-parent by trying to keep everyone involved....age and distance are not on your side on this one but know that you are a wonderful person for trying.

If he wants to keep the door open, then send a card for Christmas and Birthday and hopefully they'll get their heads out of their butts at some point. If he gets the opportunity to talk to them man to man, he should clue them in that they should acknowledge gifts, he misses them, etc. Young adults are selfish creatures. My SS was mostly raised by us and there are still times (he's23 now) that he won't communicate and it frustrates us. I told DH that I wasn't getting a response from SS on what I needed, but he was quick to respond if it was something HE needed. DH said that SS wasn't responding to him, either, and that was also hard.

At some point, you decide what your boundaries are and enforce them. For me, I also have a young child to consider and I don't like to make her wait around for them to get their act together. We tell them what the plan is as much as possible, vs just waiting for them to tell us. You can't MAKE them be good sons.

But I have also tried to use the technology THEY use. If the SSs use Skype, try it. It's free. Or if they text, use that vs email. Or get a FB account just for them. Etc. Sometimes it helps to go where they are, so to speak. If they cannot come to you, consider flying out to them.

If your DH is hurting, he can speak to a counselor to help him deal with their behavior.

It can't be forced. Kids go through phases. And if it were me I just wouldn't text or call anymore until these two kids see their way clear to stop being selfish and rude.
Is the ex wife poisoning them to their dad? That could be the case.

I have to say that my own kids aren't really all that great at telling their grandma 'Thank you' either. Me? They're great at thanking me. But there's no way they would blow me off. My son in the air force called from Germany to talk to us all.
So it sounds like the stepsons have some issues in regards to their parents not being together anymore, don't want to abandon their mom on
Christmas, and feel guilty if they so much as think about being nice instead of rude and thoughtless.
I would go to the graduation. I wouldn't even tell them you're coming. Show up. I'm not sure I'd write out a check for the graduate, being it seems like a thankless gesture. Again, I kicked and screamed to get my kids to write thank you notes after holidays or graduations.
But until these stepsons grow up and start communications on their own, I would hold off on texting and calling. They'll get the picture some day, one way or another. 'Dad never calls or anything" will stick in their craw enough to remember "I never returned his calls or messages either, so maybe it's no surprise''

He should fly there. also offer to pay for the girlfriends airfare too