Seeking Help with Step Parenting

i think kristy is right i grew up with a step mom and she also talked down to me. she never loved me and my dad never told her to be different. because of this our family feel apart. i went into foster care and well hate my dad for not sticking up for me. i was only 5-9 in age so i didnt rreally know who to talk back. u need to talk to your hubby. tell him your kids come first step or not. and if he doesnt grow up then maybe he needs to move out. im sorry to say but this is fare to your daughter at all. u r her mom her only defender against him. and u need to step up. no mom or dad should pick the spouce over there child even if it is the spouces child also. kids come first u chose to have them they didnt get to pick who there mom or dad is. dont make her hate u for staying with a man that doesnt love her as much as he loves u.

It seems to me you have choosen the wrong husband. I am a 31 year-old mother of one, who grew up in a step family environment. My mom remarried 3 times and finally found the most wonderful man, who I am just as close as my own father, when I was 14. The step dad in between my father and my new step dad was nice enought but he picked on me through-out the seven years of thier marriage and he wasn't very loving or kind either. My mom loved him fine but she finally realized that I needed to be around people who loved me and people who treated me well. Step parents can be broken down into 2 groups, one who loves the children as their own or one that doesn't. It seems to me your most likely will not peace with the situtation if you continue to see your husband not treating your daughter the way you want him to. Children need love from both parents in the house, not just one. Ask yourself what values is he teaching my child? Are they the values I want her learn and teach my grandchildren? Kids at any age can be disrespectful but that's what they do they are kids. Adults on the other should teach with better examples.

Dear M.,

That's such a tricky situation, that is probably mostly out of your control. I have some wonderful friends from church who are family psychologists. They are a husband/wife team that shares an office. I highly recommend them, if your husband would be willing for the family to go in. If you're interested, their info is:

Tom & Jill Stevens ###-###-####
810 Hwy 6 #108
Houston, TX 77079

Blessings,
R.

Supporting you as you nurture your family.
www.NurturedFamily.com

Your husband sounds like my step mother. When I lived with her and my daddy, my life was horrible. She literally treated me like Cinderella. I had to do all of her and her kids' chores while they went out and partied. I couldn't take it anymore, so I left. I moved in with my older sister at the age of 15. I made a vow that if I ever had a step child I would treat them just as if they were my own. And that is what I did. I never refer to my "step" daughter as my "step daughter". She is my daughter just as much as my other children are mine. Your husband needs to realize that he is the adult in this family. If he can't treat your children just as he treats his own children, then he doesn't need to be in your daughter's life. Your children come first. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but being the child once in that situation, I know how your daughter feels, and if you continue to allow her to be treated that way, she will rebel against you. Try family counseling. If that doesn't work, then you need to remove him from your daughter's life.

M.,
I can relate to your situation. The first thing we had to establilsh was, who was the authority. My husband found that it was easier to drop to the children's level than it was to get approval from me to correct them. Of course, I didn't do that, he was head of the family, right? I realized that I had to reorganize everything after 13 years. It wasn't easy, but it can be done. My husband and childen get along fine know. It won't happen over night, but if you and your husband sit down and have a serious discussion and work out some ground rules it can work. Just remember you have to back each other up in your dicisions or the children will lose respect for both of you. My prayers are with you and your family,
R. G.

I have step parenting issues also, but mine is totally different. My step son is 6 years old and he used to love me until me and his dad moved in together. Then it was over. I understand that he does not want to share his dad with me and everything but he will not respect me. His mom has alot to do with this. Everytime I get on to him or tell him not to do something because he will get punished he smarts back and says if you do that I will tell my mom and I won't have to come back over here ever again! He also wants to fight and argue all the time with my kids. I have no clue what to do. I have a counselor coming over today and hopefully she can help us deal with this. Do you have any advice?

M., I know this is upsetting you terribly. They are both wanting to be #1 with you. It would be good if your husband was more mature and just looked at her as the child that she is. Your daughter is too young to know how to handle the situation. I know because I had a step father and was in that position. I would suggest getting counseling for whoever will go. It may be that it can all be worked out and then it may not. I will say this as long as it doesn't get physical between them (fighting) if you could just let them argue it out without you trying to stop it and they see it is not getting to you then it won't be nearly as much fun to them to continue to do it.

M.,
I have a few tips. My parents got divorced when I was 12. My dad re-married when I was 16 and my mom re-married when I was 18.
1. Talk to your husband. Tell him not to get offended (eventhough he prob will) before you start. Tell him that it is unacceptable to act like a child, provoke and get her in trouble in front of your daughter.
2. Tell him to come and talk to you privately with any isshes or concerns.
3. After he comes to you and discusses his feelings/concerns call a family meeting and all of you guys disscuss concerns.
4. Also talk to your daughter and ask her to be more mature and come up with a reward system when improvement is noted

Hope my tips work!

Jen

M.,

I wish I had a quick fix answer for you, but I don't think there is one. My best suggestion is to seek professional counseling; both for your marriage and your family. Many companies now have some kind of employee assistance program and will pay for some visits, then only ask you to make a copay (similar in cost to a doctor's visit copay) until you and the counselor decide it is no longer necessary.

You can contact the HR department and they will keep it confidential and not contact your boss or coworkers. If you are a religious person, I would recommend to pray for insight and inspiration to know what to do and say.

Hope your situation improves,
S.

I have a step-neice who is 17 years old and my sister (her step mother) has treated her like utter trash since she and her husband were married (when my neice was only 8).
All I can tell you is that by watching their situation unfold and grow it is SO harmful for a child who is mistreated by a step parent....it will not only make her hate (and I mean hate) your husband but she will eventually lose all respect for you because she will feel that you have put her in this position and that you are choosing him over her because you allow it to happen. The first thing you need to do is to privately talk to him and point out examples of times he was out of line with her. Explain that you would like for them to get along and for him to help with raising her but if he can't respect her and treat her like one of his own it would maybe be best for him to just not speak to her or attempt to discipline her at all. Trust me when I tell you that this can and probably will put a big rift between you and your daughter in the future and you will find her doing more and more things to lash out or get your attention because she will begin to see it as a compitition for your affections.
My neice will be going off to the military as soon as she graduates this year and has no intention to speak to my sister or her own father ever again.... I would never give you advice to leave your husband but please don't put your daughter second to him... you'll miss her when she's grown.
Good luck to you...I hope things can be resolved with a good talk. :o/