Seeking Help Dealing with the Loss of My Child

I wish I had some advice for you but I am still trying to find a way through the grief myself. My son was born still on May 2nd of this year at 42 weeks gestation. I miss him every single day and know that will never change. If you just want someone to talk to you can e-mail me at ____@____.com could even arrange a get together. I have a 2 year old little girl who just loves to play.

I actually just did my research paper for school on NEC. 2 of my friends have lost their little girls from this horrible disease, one of them is a close friend of mine who lives across from me. If you don't mind, I'll pass this on & see if she feels like talking to you. I've never lost a child once born but have had 8 miscarriages so I kinda understand the pain. if you ever want to vent or cry or whatever, just holler.

Hi S. - I am sorry to hear of your loss. If you are in the Dayton, OH area - Children's Hospital has a good grief program. I went there when I lost 2 to miscarriages. It seemed to be helpful to me. Best wishes in your journey through this.

Dear S.,
I am so sorry for your loss. When I lost our child during a failed pregnancy, the only comfort I found was to write a letter to my baby girl. I had such hopes that our two children would grow up so close to each other as they were going to have the same age difference as me and my closest sister. I was devasted when they told me that she had died in my womb. I urge you to put into words on paper exactly what you had hoped for your little girl and how you feel. I sobbed doing this and still tear up today. Know that you are not alone and if you ask for some grief counseling, you might find there are many like you and I who have lost a wonderful little one. I lost my little girl one week before Christmas. I wrote the letter to her on Dec. 23rd. I was able to get through Christmas because I know that she knew what was in my heart. I still have the letter and she is still with me. God bless you in your search for closure. The hardest thing for a parent to do is to bury their children. The best thing you can do is to always remember that she is with you in spirit.

I believe only the oldest souls come here on short journeys to be great teachers.
It is also about Divine Timing.. All things are happening at the right time, in Creator's plan for us. Truely a test of faith.

This may be hard to comprehend now. But I will just share my story.

Long story short. I became pregnant with my ex husband at a rather difficult time in our lives, and it was early in our relationship. At 12 weeks I miscarried, and I felt many things, from grief to guiltt back and forth for along time.

Seven years later- my son was born- we had truly evolved and we were in a much different (better) place- in many ways.

When my son was four years old- he was in the back seat of the car and he said "Mommy, do you remember when I was here before? It wasn't the right time and I had to come back again. Do you remember that?"
I almost wrecked the car.
But, in that moment- I completely understood the Divineness of God's plan- and what seems like a loss now is actually a great opportunity for exactly the right thing later.
I hope this perspective helps.I'm sending my prayers and support.
Peace,
M.

If your daughter had NEC, I am guessing she was born somewhat premature. I am sorry you have had to go through this. I agree with everyone who said to get counseling. Even though I don't know the specifics surrounding her birth or illness, I feel pretty certain I can say it is not your fault. Believe that. So many moms go through a lot of guilt, wondering what they might have done wrong. You did nothing wrong, no matter the circumstances. Babies are very strong and resilient, but for some reason, some babies don't make it. When I miscarried, I had a friend tell me she believed for some reason, the baby chose to be in that circumstance. Maybe it will somehow comfort you to know that your baby wanted to experience life for a few days, and then return to heaven to be with Jesus. I really don't know.
You are in my prayers. And if it helps, go ahead and carry around a sack of flour or sugar. I've read that it is the empty arms that feels the worst, so fill your arms with something small.
R.
NICU nurse

Dear Sarah, Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your child.

S., I don't have any advice for you as I have never gone throught this, but I just wanted to say how very sorry I am for you. I cried when I read your post. I have a 5 month old and I could not imagine if something happened to her. You have my sympathy sweetie. If you ever need to talk e-mail me. Have you thought about counseling? Or maybe just talking to a friend will help. All the moms here would talk to you anytime! Please take care and know that I am praying for you and your family!

Hi S.:

I am so very sorry for you loss. My husband and I lost our son to sids. He was 3 1/2 months old. He was born Sept. 27, 2002 and died on January 13, 2003. It has been almost 6 years and I still think of him every day. There is so much that I could say. Don't expect your husband to grieve the same as you. Put no expectations on your grief and let yourselves grieve and have whatever emotion it is that you are having. Take it one day at a time. It does get better with time. I hate that expression but it is true. You will have people that will say things that seem hurtful or stupid but I have come to realize they just really don't know what to say. You are forever changed and I think that was a big thing for me to deal with. I was no longer my carefree self and the old me. I feel very blessed to have had what time I had with my son and God had a reason which I feel we may never know or understand but having faith has been our number one reason for making it through such a horible experience and something you don't wish on your worst enemy. I found it hard to smile or to have a happy moment early on and how could all the people around me be living their lives and going on with it. But truly the more you can try and go back to "normal" it really does end up helping. Your family will be in my prayers. Just know it takes time and with each day it will be different some good, some not so good. I to this day have really bad days that all I want to do is cry. Just remember one day at a time and let yourself grieve. You will come out of this a stronger person! I hope I was able to help you. You are not alone.
J. D.

I am terribly sorry to hear about your loss. Nothing breaks my heart more than the loss of a baby. My husband and I lost twins at 20 1/2 weeks into my pregnancy. A lot of people didn't think it was a big deal because they were not actually "born" yet. But it has now been 7 years and I still think of them every day and miss them terribly. I don't know where you are located, but we went to a support group at Children's Hospital in Dayton for about a year afterwards. It was wonderful! You may check into other hospitals in your area. I still think about going back sometimes when I'm having a rough time. It is wonderful to be able to talk to people who have been through the same thing and are non-judgemental. Someone also gave me a book called Broken Cradle Empty Arms (or something similar to that) which was very helpful. If you need to talk, please feel free to respond back. I've been there. Take care.

S.,

I am so sorry for your loss. My son past away the same day he was born, so I understand what you are going through. There is a wonderful support group, Healing Hearts which has meetings and they are wonderful. The only advice I can give you is be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve the loss of your daughter. Everyone grieves differently and you need to do what is in the best interest of you and your family............if there is anything I can do, please let me know.

Sue

Oh My Friend, I am so sorry for your loss. My response is nearly like Judi's, we lost our daughter almost 3 1/2 years ago to SIDS, she was 75 days old. Please forgive me, this will be long. I strongly suggest counceling, I spent more that 2 years in intense counceling, but I also had a councelor who understood, she lost 2 kids in their late teens, at different times, to car accidents. Thats why she became a councelor. I was blessed with her. Please look around, I know there are many support groups out there. I found on-line groups better for me, the first 2 years I really didnt like even leaving the house, going to a group was too much pressure on me. I can reccomend them if you like. Please give yourself time to heal. My Mom had a miscarriage between me and my sister, when our daughter passed, she told me though she had lost a baby, she could imagine what I was going through. I held, nursed, played, I had 75 glorious days with her. You had 4 glorious days with Kaylyn. You held her, you got to know her. This is probably still all a blur to you, the first 6 months were easier for me than the following 2 years. I was numb. Once the numbness wore off, Oh Lord, I was a basket case. I even spent 4 days on the Phych Ward, my choice, best decision I ever made. But I am healing now, and you will too. I promise. I know when my Sommer passed, people kept telling me with time, it does get better. I just thought, well you didnt love your child the way I love mine. But its true. I am able to laugh, smile, I am in general happy again, I think about Sommer a million times a day, but the smiles outnumber the tears. Please, Please be patient with one anouther, Nick is going to grieve so very differntly from you,alot of families break up over the loss of a child. My husband and i fought ALOT in the year after Sommer's passing, I swear the only thing that held us together was our 3 year old, AND the fact that we made a promise to each other the day she passed that we would not let this break us up. I had alot of support from my Church, where he had very little, he does not often attend Church with me, but he needed it. I can have him talk to Nick if he needs a mans perspective. I can honestly say that in the last 6 months we have come into our "new Normal". I say new normal because life will never be same for you, and you need to accept that. I applaude your choice to have more children, I wish I could. Sommer was our 4th, we had an 18, 15, and almost 3 yr. old, we were done. I had my tubes tied when she was 5 weeks old. How I regret that! But I am also 40, and dont know how I would handle pergnancy, but God will bless you with anouther little miracle. I truly believe God sent Sommer to me for a reason, I am a better person for knowing her, for loving her, I wouldnt trade those 75 days for all the world, not even to spare myself the heart break. Please contact me any time at ____@____.com if you ever want to talk, or want to know about online groups. I am in Middlefield, OH not that far from you. God Bless You, honey, I am so very sorry

I'm so sorry for your loss. My grandson had NEC. Talk to your local pastor (even if you aren't a member)!! They have great resources and may be able to put you in touch with a support group. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

S.:

I also lost a daughter shortly after she was born 6 years ago in March. Remember that it is OK to be sad about it and to talk about it with people. For me, I find talking about it with my friends and family helps. I know that sometimes it can make people feel very uncomfortable, but for me, I think talking about her and our experience makes it real and makes me feel closer to her. The first year was very difficult, but I really kept myself busy. I had a miscarriage prior to loosing my daughter and in some ways that was more difficult for me because I didn't get to meet that baby. I at least got to meet and hold my Magdalene and have a place to visit her. I do have two children now. A 4 year old boy and a 10 month old girl who were perfectly healthy. I am 43 years old and both of these children were a real surprise. We had planned to adopt since I was getting up there in age and didn't particularly like being pregnant. I am extremely lucky to have had both of my children, but they did not replace my first two babies. When people ask me how many children I have, I always say 4. I think of them every day, but I promise it gets easier to deal with. God Bless!!

I'm so sorry. I hope you find something to give you peace. Good Luck with future pregnancies and births.

oh sweetie, I lost a baby at 32 weeks, so I understand what a loss this is. Honestly, the first 6 months was Hell..for me and my husband both,,really hard. I sometimes think that if it wasn't for our daughter who almost 2 at the time, we might have divorced..such a hard time. The hard thing was people didn't want to talk about her. I wanted to scream..."ask me about Rachel!!!" So, don't be afraid to talk about Kaylyn, people will feel weird, but it's ok. We talked a lot about Baby Rachel to our then daughter and now both girls. We had a bit of infertility (I'm sure stress didn't help) afterwards, but have 2 great girls now + the angel in heaven! Feel free to pm me anytime...hang in there..Christmas will suck, but I can say, now 8 years down the road, it does get easier. ((((hugs)))) C.

S., First of all, let me express my deepest sympathies to you and your family.

Second, you don't say where you are from, but if you are in the Cleveland area, call the Cleveland Clinic and ask about their grief group for parents. If I recall correctly, they meet at the building by Beachwood Place and is led by a fantastic woman named Casey.

I am so sorry for your loss, S.. I think there are support groups you could join. A friend of mine lost her 1st son a couple of years ago. He lived for only 2 hours. I think you would experience what is called "empty arms syndrome", or something to that effect. If you like, I could put you in touch with my friend for guidance on how to cope with your grief.
Blessings, R.

Hi S.,
I am so very sorry for your loss of little Kayln. My heart and prayers are with you and your family.
We lost our 3rd child Zackary on 1/7/05 at the age of 3 1/2 months. He was born with a congenital heart defect and Down Syndrome. He spent his whole life in the NICU at Children's, and while there, he also suffered NEC, although that is not was caused his passing.
This loss is, I think, the hardest kind of loss. The first few months and just a blur of emotions - I can hardly recall most of that time. Every person has a different way of coping. Some days it's all you can do to get out of bed, although having surviving children does help (we have 2 other boys). I found great comfort and support in a wonderful on-line group called Angel Moms. You can find them at www.angelmoms.com . There are moms all from all over, who lost children of all ages and for many different reasons, and we support each other no matter what. I have made life-long friends there and could not have made it through the past 4 years without them. It's so important to have a good support system - especially in the long term. There are many good books out there too about child loss - check the library to see which ones might work for you. I believe that Children's also has a grief support group once or twice a month.
It's also important to remember that men and women grieve very differently, so keep those lines of communication open with your husband, and respect each other's ways of grieving.
I could go on and on, but please know that you are not alone and there are many who been where you are. Please feel free to contact me privately if you would like, if you need a shoulder. I don't know if it would help, but there is a little ceremony tomorrow night offered by the Lost Child Support Group at the Elizabeth Blackwell Center at 7pm. It is a holiday memorial service for families coping with child loss. It's really a beautiful service. You can call ###-###-#### if you are interest in going.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you many prayers and hugs...

I am so sorry for your loss!! My husband and I have a daughter, Kaylyn, born November 11, '06. I can't imagine what you are experiencing. We went through a hard time with our Kaylyn, she had clostridium difficile (C. Diff) a bacterial infection in her colon for 5 months. She had to have x-rays, untrasound, barium enema contrast studies, upper endoscopy and colonoscopy. It was horrible, but God healed her and we are so greatful.
Just let God be your support. It's ok to cry, but don't let your tears stop your prayers. God is waiting to show you the solution to your problem. Talk to a counselor, it will be worth it. Look for a book at the library or a christian book store about mourning the loss of a child. I think talking about it is the best way. You could even keep a journal of your feelings. Write down how you feel everyday. When you are done you can keep it or burn it, bury it whatever you want. But by getting those feelings out you should feel better. You need to mourn and it's ok to be sad and even mad!!
I wish I had more advice for you, but all I can really do is pray for you to recover from this hard time and that your future will include healthy babies!!! There are angels among us sent down to us from heaven and your little Kaylyn is one of them!! God bless you and good luck! I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil 4:13
L.

please get couseling for your grief from clergy or any place that offers it.You carried that child inside of you for 9 months and then 4 days later she was gone.I lost my twins two years ago I carried full term and saw every doctor I could get into plus went to OSU in Columbus, I just knew something wasn't right.No one would really help me and after being 7 days over due at age 47 I went to the emergency room in pain, there was no heart beats and after several hours in the ER and drugged up after they removed my babies I was sent home with nothing. I went to 6 counties because I couldn't deal with it all.It was a huge relief to talk to somebody and get those feelings out.

S., I'm so sorry for this loss.
My only advice to help you deal is to find a baby loss support group. I have an autoimmune disease that can cause loss of life as well and have become very active in advocating through an on line group. There is some comfort in knowing that you are not alone.
Best wishes to you. I can not imagine your heartfelt pain.
D.

I don't have any advice that is different from the responses below, but I still wanted to touch base with you so I could tell you how sorry I am for your loss S.. I hope God blesses you with another baby, and continues to shower His graces on you for understanding and healing.

I am so sorry. Many prayers for you and your family. Sincerely, J.

S.,

I am just so sorry to hear about your huge loss. Time and therapy is def what you need. Time won't 100% heal pain like you and your family are going through but it will get easier to cope with. I have a family member in therapy for different circumstances and it really is working. Please give it a try. Make sure when you do go that you are 100% comfortable with the therapist. If not, go elsewhere.

Good Luck! :)

Hello S.,
I am truly sorry for your loss of a beautiful angel. You and your fiance are very wonderful for trying to be so strong. ~hugs~ to both of you for that! I came across this one website awhile back called beleifnet.com and it talks about ways to deal with all sorts of things, from relationships to loss..its a christian site, its a pretty nice website to checkout...I really don't know what to say or to tell you. I had a miscarriage a while back, but we didn't get to know the baby or anything. The embryo didn't attach completely and wasn't getting all the nutrients so it pretty much died..that's pretty sad to say it that way, and I am hurt over that, but we had another child a year and a half later. I seen that you have a daughter named Chloe...(SMILE)..that's what my youngest ones name is "Chloe Rayne". I really do hope you check out that website and again, am truly sorry for your loss, especially at this time of year. Good Luck & Have a Merry Christmas to you and your family! ~HUGS~

I really don't have any advice, I just wanted to say how very, very sorry I am. No parent should ever have to deal with such a loss. The following link has some support groups listed near the bottom in addition to the services Dayton Children's provides. God Bless.

http://www.childrensdayton.org/Services/Find_a_Service/Be...

Dear Sam, Our deepest sympathy's to you and your family. I will put you on our Prayer chain may God Bless you.

I am sorry that I am just reading this. I am so sorry for your loss. The only advice that I can give you (and it may have already been said), but you can go to parents.com and go to their chat forums and just find the one for a loss of a child. They have chat forums for just about everything. Hope this helps and good luck to you in the future.

Try The Compassionate Friends they are a group for parents who have lost children at any age and they are international. The group I am in is vrey loving and caring they have a website and are free of charge (but do take donations). This Sunday (tomorrow) is our international candle lighting from 7-8 in each timezone we all light candles for our children to create a ring of light that goes around the world. if you like yu can message me or look up info on their site. I hope there is a group in your area(there should be) and send you many hugs.

I too lost a child and felt that the hospital did a wonderful job helping me and my husband deal with that loss. It did take awhile to get back to some sense of normal. Check with the hospitals in your area to see what they offer. I'm praying for you and your family.

My heart goes out to you and your family. I wish you the best of luck in the future for healthy babies.

(((((((((((S.)))))))))))
Cry, scream, hit a pillow and talk to Jesus!
My heart aches for you my dear.

Loss is NEVER easy, but particularly when it is a child, it is VERY tough. I lost a fiance' when I was 25. One of the WORST things that happened, was that my family kept telling me to "move on" and "don't talk about it". Some of the STUPIDEST advice I've EVER gotten! It took a long long time.....13 years to be exact......before I began to even get over it as a result of trying to stay busy, not talk about it, etc.

FIND A SUPPORT group. OUr church has a ministry for those who've lost loved ones. See if you can find something of that nature.

Where do you live? What city/area?