Adoption and Being Older Parents

My BIL is 55 and they are trying for a baby; I think nowadays as long as life expectancy is increasing, healthy , no chronic health conditions and you are providing stability for the baby's lifetime (have a guardian chosen) there should be no problems.

Who says the younger couple will be better parents, or will live longer then you? They could be less healthy, have a serious risk for health issues, be predisposed to certain diseases. You do not have to adopt an infant, either. I know people in their early and mid forties having children naturally. A few years age is no difference to me. Older mothers are routine here. I am 30, and I am always the youngest mother. I don't think your age matters, to be honest. I think it's your health and ability to raise a child that matters.

Is he bothered by age, or is he wavering in his desire to add to his family?
Is age really his concern, or he is deflecting? I would be asking myself and him that, just in case.

Yes..you are older. But you still have so much to offer a child...a stable, loving home. You would be inviting an unwanted child into your home because you want him/her...and have love and a stable environment to raise the child in...what a solid foundation

I say go for it! This would be such a gift to this child. I am grateful that there are birth moms who choose to give their baby life..and then make the ultimate sacrifice to give their baby to someone who can give their baby a fighting chance in this world...a home with love and a family.

I am not an older parent...just one who thinks adoption is a beautiful choice...for the people on both sides of the situation. We have SOOO many friends who have adopted. They are amazing families.

I wish you the best!!

"Is it fair for us to take a child that could potentially be adopted by younger parents?"

D., it's *more than fair*. What matters most is that the child is WANTED. You have so much to bring to your parenting of a child and experience is certainly a good thing.

Age is only one aspect of parenting. We all have our own strengths and areas where we are challenged. Young people have that, too, you know. Just because a person might be more energetic or have more 'youthful vigor' it doesn't mean they would be better parents... it just means that they have more energy, right? :) If your family---as a whole--- are ready to go forward, do it.

ETA: I think Bug is right, too... make sure your guy is 100% on board. This is something that will have a profound effect on your family. :)

Its funny, but in the back of my head I keep thinking maybe we will adopt another child when we are your age!!!! I just had a third baby, and I'm 41. I can't imagine adding another to the crew for another two years, and I really don't want to be having babies at 44. So I keep thinking that maybe we will adopt in 5 or 6 years. If the money is there, and we can afford it, why not? Lots of kids need good homes. If you can provide one to a child in need, why not do it?

I think that slightly older parents can provide a better home life.
Why? Because they are stable, have had their fun, have a good job,
have money saved, started a retirement fund, "been around the block",
have their career on track, have a house etc.
As long as they take care of their health by exercising, eating right and
don't have any major health risks, I say they can be a more mature,
giving parent.
I had my child at 40.
I had my roots put down, married, career in place w/a great job, college behind me, more mature, had my fun as a young adult behind me etc.
Had worked out for years, kept myself healthy & in shape insde and out.

I agree with the poster that said get to the root of hubby's doubts. Make sure he isn't having second thoughts and that this isn't just the top reason, but not the deeper reason.

The key word is "potentially" - there is no guarantee that a child will be adopted. It doesn't make sense to NOT adopt because someone "might" adopt that is MAYBE a "better" fit. And younger isn't better, it's just younger.

You can't predict the future. My MIL's mother died when my MIL was 18 - her mom was in her 40's. Heck, you could get hit by a bus. So really talk with hubby about this and make sure he's on board.

Keep in mind the adoption process can takes years unless you have a lot of cash. Then anything is possible. So by the time you were granted an adoption figure you will be 50. Are you thinking baby. Remember that baby will be a teen when you are in your late 60s when retirement is nearing and you want to travel. Just being realistic. Also as we age, the possibility of medical issues is real. Can't compare yourself to grandparents raising grand kids, no choice there usually. There is so much to consider at your age. Are you willing to adopt say a 12 yo or older child? Your husband might be thinking like I am. Also you certainly do not want to adopt, hit your 60s see everyone of your friends off and enjoying life, and then resent that child. I am not trying to be a downer, I am just very realistic. These are only questions you can answer. It is a lot to think about. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

I am an older mom of 4- and it is wonderful - do not let your age deter you. But also make sure your husbands concern about taking a child from a younger couple is not really a concern about adopting or being an older Dad. I have seen late in life kids,particularly adoptions break up a couple since adding to your family is stressful by itself and adoption can be a crazy process. Make sure you are both up for it 100 percent.

I am a grandparent raising grandchildren and there are millions of people with kids that are older than you and they are successfully raising well adjusted happy kids as young as newborns up through high school.

My friend that is a psychologist is nearly 60 and started her 2nd family after she remarried. Her kids are 12 and 14.

I think older parents are more fitted to be parents, we have years of experience and don't get caught up in the "I told you so" type stuff. We tend to see the bigger picture and can step back to take a breath. Then we can take care of the underlying issue instead of just reacting.

I see so many grandparents that are more compassionate and caring that teach the kids instead of just telling them what to do.

So I think that kids can be totally happy and find with older parents.

Tell your husband that those kids need to have parents who will be stable and be able to raise the kids to be good responsible adults.

I have a friend and co-worker who has adopted nine children over the last 30 years. His wife works in adoption counselling, so you know they consider absolutely everything before adopting. That said, their youngest two are 9 and 10 and they are in their early 60's. Those kids are so lucky and they know it! They just recently adopted the 9 year old after fostering him for several years. There are a LOT of kids out there who need someone like my friend and his wife and like you. Don't let a child spend their life bouncing around the foster system because they "might" be adopted by someone younger. Maybe you could adopt a 3-5 year old to give your daughter a playmate a little quicker?

You can totally adopt when you're older! I have a friend who adopted a child from overseas and she was in her 40s. She also had an older daughter that was 18 and out of the house.

You may get turned down by some places because of your age, but keep looking. An older couple is more experienced and more established. You may not get an infant (or you could, who knows?) but giving a child a warm, loving and stable home at any age is MUCH BETTER than having no home.

Grandparents often end up raising their grandchildren if something happens to the parents and they do a wonderful job.

Good luck on your journey!

I will be 44 in August and my husband will be 46 in September. We finalized the adoption of our foster son in October. He will be 2.5 at the end of this month. From time of placement to adoption was 21 months which consisted of a variety of court dates, visitation with bio parents and, yes, some trauma because of visitation and some stress for all of us. He is our only child at this point, but the phone could ring anytime with another placement. We have many members of our foster parent group who might be considered older parents - 40+.

Some adoption agencies may in fact balk at your ages ..... Foster-to-adopt programs will not. With most, you can tell them what you're looking for (age, race, even gender) and whether or not you'd consider a child who's still in the process (parental rights not yet terminated) or not.

Nia Vardalos (My Big, Fat Greek Wedding fame) and her husband adopted their daughter through a foster care program. She recently released a book about it called "Instant Mom". Good info in there.

Don't worry about your age .... You've still got so much to offer. Every family builds their family their way. As long as you are confident in your choices, others will respect them.

I had mine at 39, 10 years ago, so I guess I qualify as an "older parent"! Lol
IMO, love to give is live to give.
If & when you are both sure, I'd go for it. Kind of like deciding to conceive...best done with complete agreement & a plan, right?
Good luck!

Halle Barry is 47 and preggers. I wouldn't worry too much about your age. There are so many children out there that need a good loving home and need to be wanted. I say "go for it"
Also I think the saying "quality over quantity" applies here. You can give a child more quality love and time than possibly quantity (time/lifespan) but what human wouldn't want that. Blessings

Well, you may not be able to easily adopt an infant. BUT I would not give up on this dream. DD was born when my DH was 47. We provide our daughter a stable, happy, financially secure home. What exactly is your DH bothered about? It may help to break them down into individual factors.

One thing I discussed with DH is that if he fears being an older dad, you just never know. My uncle died in an accident when he was 40. My grandfather was a few days younger than 93 (also an older dad - my other uncle was born when Grandpop was 50). You do the best you can for as long as you can, however long that is.

A child who needs a family is a child who needs a family. I think age is only mildly relevant here...the child may not ever be adopted by a younger family. If you qualify to adopt the child (physical, financial, home, etc), then I wouldn't worry about it any farther. You were not clear on whether you were hoping to adopt an infant, which could be a stretch in qualifying due to your ages. Also, you will need to work with agencies or the state to determine what limits your ages will put on you in qualifying. When I was adopting, there were requirements that the youngest adoptive parent of the child could be no more than 45 years older than the child (and also had to be at least 16 years older than the child). In that case, you would be able to adopt a child who was at least 2-3 years old. I've heard of some scenarios where agencies or the state wanted parents who were no more than 40 years old. So, you would have to investigate the requirements. Personally, there are no guarantees for anyone.

As a parent via adoption, the comment that the "biggest and only con" being your age is surprising. There are many cons with adoption, and it is vital that you know that going in. They may not be dealbreakers, but they are definitely do need to be noted. A good source for learning more about the ups/downs and special considerations for adoption is Adoption Learning Partners, particularly their on-line course "Eyes Wide Open." I love my daughter with all my heart and would adopt her again in a heartbeat. If you are moved to adopt and this is the right way to grow your family, then definitely move forward on researching it and starting the process.

I wouldn't let concerns about other potential adoptive parents stop you from wanting to adopt. Anybody could say that for any reason about having children, biological or adopted--they have more money than we do, they have more education, are younger/older, healthier, whatever the case may be. My brother and SIL are 41 and 46. They have an 8-month-old daughter they adopted as a newborn. My brother and his wife are youthful, energetic and healthy. All is going very well so far. We joke that he'll be going to soccer games and dance recitals just as I'm becoming an empty nester (I actually like this since I'll have youth events to attend for my niece when I'm feeling withdrawal!). Two things to consider, however: 1) if you want to adopt an infant that can take years. My brother and his wife had an online adoption profile for several years and that was after years of failed fertility treatments, including IVF. It was a difficult and emotional road, having endured a couple of attempted scams that were heartbreaking. They were just about to give up when their daughter's birth mother found them online. You might want to consider an older or special needs child if you feel up to it. 2) I agree with the other posters to get to the root of your husband's concerns and make sure it's not deeper than what he is saying. Men especially often have concerns about finances, responsibilities and providing for a growing family. Both my husband and my brother had "What have we done moments" when they realized there was going to be a baby, whether biological or adopted. They are both great fathers. Finally, research your options as there are certain agencies, countries that have various requirements regarding adoptive parents whether it relates to age, marital status, etc. Good luck with your decision!

A younger parent doesn't always equal a better parent. In fact, I had my son at 37 and now at 47, I like to think I am a more "apparent parent".. I don't sweat the little stuff and am more active than many younger parents that I know. However, I don't have any friends who have kids my son's age (11) but in the bigger scheme of things... who cares... My son is very well adjusted and actually prefers to be around adults as oppose to children... In my opinion, what matters most is........... you love the kid... It's more common to hear a kid say they didn't feel loved than to hear, my parents were so old... you are healthy and loving... what kid wouldn't want nice parents such as you and your husband.. Don't let society dictate for you that you are too old.. Follow your heart.. if you can and are able to adopt than so be it.. Also, people forget.. young or not.. what's to say your life won't end today.... age shouldn't matter. it's not like you are in your 80s or 90s...

good luck