School Problems with My 12 Yr Old Boy - San Diego,CA

Hello, First of all, if you take him out of the traditional school and home school him, are you prepared to work with him six hours a day on his educational needs and his excercise time? This is something you don't want to take lightly. Also, if he does home school, will he be involved in other activities with other children his age? The social aspects are just as important to a child as the educational side. If you are prepared to do this and make sure he is meeting all of his needs, then home schooling might be for your son. I would also make sure he is getting some counseling to help him through all that he has lived through. Whether he is the aggressor or the victim in the things that are happening with him at school, he should be counselled through why he is doing what he is doing or why he is allowing other children to bully him. I would definitely get to the bottom of this. Be prepared to hear things you don't want to hear about your son. Also, be prepared to do whatever is necessary to help him to become strong and healthly physically, emotionally, mentally, and educationally. He is lucky to have a parent who cares so much about him. So many children don't have so much support at home. Now matter what the outcome, he knows that you love him.
Good luck with your precious son.
K. K.

Hi M.,

I had similar problems with my son being bullied at the same age, although at least I didn't have to deal with a hostile administrator. Instead, I had to deal with administrators who didn't care, and wouldn't help. I finally used the school directory to call the parents of the main bullies and let them know what their kids were up to (very nicely). Three of the 4 parents promised me they would speak to their kids, and they stopped bothering my son. The 4th parent felt that my son was part of the problem, so the four of us (me, the other mom, and the 2 boys), got together for a little adult mediation. We gave everyone a chance to speak but not to interrupt, and no hostile language was allowed. We insisted that the boys use formalized mediation language that always started with, "I don't like it when xyz happens to me." They were not allowed to use blaming language, e.g. "You always do xyz." See the difference?

We got EVERYTHING out on the table and got the boys to work out their differences. It turned out that my son was engaging in inappropriate behavior to get the attention of the other kids because he was lonely and having a hard time making friends in the new middle school. After coming to this understanding, the boys decided that they'd like to try hanging out together and eventually became good friends for a couple of years.

A year or so later, we had similar problems with kids bullying our son at sleep-away camp. That didn't work out too well, unfortunately,as the camp administration was not willing to talk with us and were not willing to really deal with the problem appropriately because the other kids came from very wealthy families who donated to the camp, and my son could only attend with a campership. We realized, however, that our son simply didn't know how to deal with bullying behavior in an appropriate way, and made the situation worse by reacting to the bullie's actions (if a bully knows he/she's getting to a kid, the bullying just gets worse). Since bullies abound in all walks of life (even adults can bully each other!), we felt it was important for our son to learn how to modify his behavior so he could deal effectively with these personality types. We found an excellent counselor who worked with him for about a year, after which he learned how to stand up for himself in a constructive way. He hasn't been bothered by bullies since.

I understand your frustration and your need to protect your son, but I'm not sure pulling him out of the situation totally will be the best for him -- it might only teach him to run away from his problems, rather than teach him how to stand up for himself in an appropriate way and solve them. That being said, I would look for a different school that has a sincere zero-tolerance policy on bullying. This boy needs to learn good socialization skills, and that may not happen in a home-schooled environment. But, if you do decide to home-school, look for a home-school club with kids his age to provide social opportunities, preferably with plenty of adult supervision. If you keep your son in his current school, you might ask the administration if you could work as a volunteer aid in the classroom or playground to get a first-hand view of what's going on.

I wish you the best of success with your son, whatever road you decide to take. Thank God there are angels like you in the world who have so much room in their hearts to provide love and stability for abused and neglected children.

This is a tough one ... on the one hand you want to protect him from more pain, but at the same time you need him to learn how to get on without you. I want to commend you on having taken this child into your home and heart. Trust your gut instinct - you probably already know what's best for him. Good luck!

if he were my son, I would homeschool him if he were willing and if you have a really good relationship. This little boy needs TONS and Tons of TLC and undivided attention. I also think some socializng classess - he is going to have to deal with people the whole rest of his life, some kind of Dale Carnegie training would be a good idea, and highly supervised boy scouts or AWANAS. Counseling is good for everybody.
Good luck!

I just reread the previous question and my heart goes out to you and that poor boy. I don't know if he's instigating the issues or not, but it's sad that a 12 year old boy is having to fight, is getting "accidently" key'd, or issues like that. He's had a rough like in the foster care system so it makes so seem so much unfair now.

I would totally meet with the teacher's, VP, Principal, and all involved to figure out what is going on.

Home schooling might be a good solution as well. My nephew just started a on-line course that they seem to be happy with. There's also a lot of home schooling options that the child goes to the school a couple of times a week to get his work and get help. A friend of mine sent her son to the San Diego Charter School because he was being bullied in the classroom. She LOVED it and his grades inproved tremendously!

Also, does he play sports? If not, sports are a healthy way to move that not so great energy that not so great energy that 12 year old kid's have!

Anyway, good luck and fill us in on what you decided to do.

I can't speak to your previous posts, but I would add that it is not too late to change schools if the new school is a supportive environment that is nurturing and used to kids in transitions. (It is February, there are still 4 months of school left, if it were May it would not be worth it, but he would have most of a semester left, if the school would help him through the process.) I don't know the schools in your area but maybe check out a learning challenges school (kids with different learning styles), a Friends School (Quaker) or just a small independent program. A small school gives the students the attention they need and the other students are excited for a new face in the class and are usually open to welcoming a new friend.

Good Luck!