School Issues - 6 Year Old

It is easy for the response to be "she just needs to tough it out." But I don't think you have given us enough info for me to feel comfortable saying that. Nor does it seem she is equipped with the skills she needs to "tough it out". The key here is to peel back the layers and find what her true concerns are and then work at them together. Maybe you could fill in some information as to what the teacher thought. Does the teacher feel she is struggling academically? Does she need extra support for reading, writing, or math. My son struggles with writing and has sensory processing problems which have affected his entire school experience. So he has gone to occupational therapy to improve his skills and made it easier for the school to set up some classroom modifications. Or does the teacher see she is having trouble fitting in or being accepted by the kids? Then you can work with her on that issue. At the point you are now, it seems to be a jumble of stress and anxiety complaints, so between you and the teacher you will have to help her sort through the mess and zero in on some things she can learn and control. Keep in mind, that this may also be a bad fit for her in terms of the school or particular classroom.

What does the teacher think the problems are? I would take a day off and spend it observing her at school. It may be the particular school is simply not a good fit and she will do better in either a different school or a different type of school (Montessori, Waldorf, etc).

The problem might lay with you mom. If you are giving her attention during this time she's getting reinforcement.

I have a lot of years in child care and the mom's that think they're making it better by hanging around and consoling their kids, well, those kids are the ones that take the longest time to adjust. The mom's that drop kids off, leave them at the door kicking and screaming if needed, those are the kids that calm down and stop crying as soon as mom is out of sight.

It's really funny. As soon as the mom gets tired of trying to figure stuff out and just walks out and leaves, well those kids understand that mom is leaving no matter what. So they try it a few more times then stop.

Keeping her home reinforces to her that if she cries and says she doesn't feel well that mommy will stay all day with her. If she's truly sick she'll be running a fever.

Gamma g is right. You need to be very matter of fact with her. Grown ups work. Kids go to school. End of the negotiations. You could give her a question each day before school. Something to be thinking of as she gets out of the car. Ex.. who do you think tells funny stories at school? What color do you think your teacher will wear today? What do you think lunch will be today?

I have also worked with children for what seems like forever. And while I understand the need to comfort kids sometimes you have to just be tough and say knock it off. You are not a baby and if you whine your going to get a consequence. And then make it one she won't like. She will knock it off.

It sounds like there are some anxiety issue's here, and it's worth talking to her ped about.

In the meantime I have a friend who's DD is pretty similar. You need to get the school involved. Here's a few things that have worked....for the most part lol

Talk to the teacher, see how she does once she's in school, is there a special friend. Maybe they can be paired up a little more throughout the day.

Also talk to the teacher/principal (in my friends school it was the principal initially) if they would be willing to meet your DD at drop off. Sometimes having another adult there, to help in the transition makes a world of difference.

Another thing is to buddy her up with an older child during breaks. There are plenty of older kids, who usually enjoy helping the younger kids. It was actually a 4th grader in my friends DD's school who saw what was going on and volunteered to help. It's made a HUGE difference and now the school has been doing it with lot's of kids (well a few) who are having the same issue.

She most likely does have friends, but it's not the same as staying home with mom. This is something you HAVE to stop. Make being home a 'not fun thing". She goes to school no matter what. Try to not feed into it. I'd also start looking into outside extra curricular, doesn't have to be sports, maybe an instrument. This will help build confidence.

I have to agree with Gamma's response. I understand it is really hard when our kids have troubles like this; we just want to fix it and want them to be happy. School is one of those things we all just have to suck up and attend even when it is hard, boring or we don't feel 100%. Work is the same way. Unless my kids have a fever or is contagious, they go to school. Unless I have a fever or am contagious, I go to work. Even if people are mean or it is boring or it is hard or I am the slowest person there or I am stressed out.
My kids do complain... today they are upset because the bus driver would not let them talk on the ride home and required quiet time. My youngest tells me she dislikes school because it is hard and long and boring. I acknowledge their feelings briefly but try not to get too sucked in or invested in their problem because I cannot fix it and they are not issues that require fixing anyway. I would love if they loved school and had a great time and the bus drive was not long and boring. Unfortunately, sometimes (a lot of time!) life is hard, boring and we are stressed and wish we didn't have to do what is required of us....but that is not an option, ya know? So I just acknowledge their feelings and then let them know that life is often like that and missing school is not an option. I think that builds resilient kids.

Have you considered homeschooling? Contrary to some replies here, I believe it's best if we listen to and trust our children. She's not lying - she's not making this up, and doesn't need to be punished. The stress of school is literally making her ill. It sounds as if you have flexibility to stay home with her. So why not do that everyday? Offer her a childhood she'll enjoy. Many people have untrue perceptions of what homeschooling is or can be. In our home it's living and learning together with joy every minute of everyday. We have plenty of friends and opportunities to be social. Have schooled friends coming over after school today, in fact! Our son is like my husband & I, in that he does best with a smaller, more intimate crowd. A classroom full of kids who are just together because they happened to be born in the same year is just too much. Top that off with the illogical competition and popularity contests, school is a haven for stress. Even in 1st grade.

To answer those that say adults go to work, kids go to school - that's just the way life is, suck it up 'cause life sucks....that's not what I want for my life and for my son. I want him to know he always has the power to make his life how he wants it. I'd rather him be part of the real world rather than the artificial confines of school. I work part-time and he comes with me. He sees me enjoy my work, my clients appreciate what I do for them, and what that money I earn does for our family. All that has more meaning to him than most things he could've learned in a boring, stressful classroom.

Sorry to get on that soapbox, but I feel for your daughter. In my mind it's school that is failing children, not children failing with school.

Have girls that she likes over for play dates. I am sure there are other nice girls and probably other girls that feel like they don't have a lot of friends either. Ask the teacher if your daughter can't come up with names.
To help your daughter I would probably also try to have planned activities to ensure everyone has a good time.
Since Halloween is coming up, consider having a Halloween party at your house.
Also, role play with her. Tell her to seek out another girl that is not playing with anyone on the playground. Teach her to say "hi, do you want to play"

What I found helped both my kids bond with other kids in their class is to schedule a play date with one of their classmates once a week. When we move or they are starting a new school or having a hard time with the school transition this really seems to help. My child picks someone who seems nice and we have them over once a week. We do this with different kids and it really helps them make friends when having a hard time and then they start looking forward to school. Have you privately spoken to your daughter's teacher again to see what her take on this is? Perhaps she can help facilitate things at school a little.

Have you asked your daughter to come up with some ideas about how to make the situation at school better? Have you had a brainstorming session with her to show her how to see what all the solutions might be? Too often we try to solve the problem for them rather than understanding that our children are actually able to solve many issues on their own with a little guidance.

Just be careful that you don't start analyzing the solutions during the brainstorming part of the process. Brainstorming is about coming up with a whole bunch of ideas, even magical ones, to get the creative energy moving. Too often we get stuck in victim energy, "I have no choices.", and we can't solve anything from that place. Creative energy and imagination will support you and your daughter in finding the "ah ha" that may have never occurred to you otherwise.

Also, your daughter is stuck in a lot of negative thinking. I just recommended a book on another post called: "Tiger, Tiger Is That True?" by Byron Katie. This book will support your daughter in questioning the thoughts she is having and allowing for new thoughts to be formed.

On of my sisters was like this in Kindergarten and they decided before the end of the year that she was going to do K again, so my mom would let her stay home whenever she wanted to. I thought it was an odd decision at the time (seriously, one day she said "my finger hurts" at breakfast and my mom was like "OK you can stay home today") but she was on the younger side and needed that extra year to mature. The following year, she was truly ready to be in school and did great from that point on.

I know that you child is older than that - I would assume that she is in 1st grade? - but is it possible that she really is behind the other kids? Think of something that you don't do easily. For me, that's anything related to fitness. I'm always slow and uncoordinated. If I had to spend all of my fitness time working out with people who were slim, athletic, fast and coordinated, no matter how nice they were to me, I'd be miserable because I would constantly feel inadequate. Is it possible that she's experiencing something like that (academically) and is reacting to it?

If this has been going on for years, there's either something developmental going on or it's her temperament/personality. If there is possibly something developmental (either with academics or behavior) then have her evaluated. If she's on track for everything cognitively and behaviorally, it may be her temperament and in that case, I'd schedule a few sessions with a counselor for both of you so that she can understand herself a bit better and manage her feelings in a more positive, productive way and you can better understand what makes her tick and help her to adjust to situations that she doesn't really like.

Given the length of time this has been going on, I don't think you can count on it being just a phase and should seek out some expert guidance, either from the school in terms of evaluations or a counselor who can help her to manage her negativity and anxiety.

I volunteer at my childrens school and I can tell you little girls can be mean. I have a first grader as well, he is a boy though.I know this is an extreme answer but if it was my child I would look into another school.Our children only have one opportunity for their childhood and these experiences shape them into the adults they will be. I don't think generally children make these feelings up. I would at least talk to her about it if she objects maybe it is school work if she is excited to go to another school it probably is the other children being mean. Who wants to grow up with people being mean to them? It is not likely that we would stay at jobs where people were mean to us. There are lots of charter schools in Roseville as well as other public schools. I would bring that up and see her reaction.

I suspect a low self esteem is the bottom line. My thoughts were she is struggling with her work. As I read on, you veered toward bullying and then, there it is, I am the slowest.

Kids can be mean when they know the answer and you don't. Likewise, it could be an extra sensitive issue when you don't have your confidence about you.

I suggest you put her in an after school reading and/or math program that will help her improve her skills.

We put our daughter in Kumon and it has done wonders for her grades. We just went to P/T conference yesterday and the teacher is very pleased with her academic level.

Just a thought...I thought I could help my daughter improve in reading, however, we spent a school year trying and it didn't help. She also went to the schools reading program and that didn't help. After 4 months of Kumon, she is 1 year above her level. I find it is well worth the time and money.

What did the teacher say? Ask the teacher if she has friends - especially during lunch and recess. The other thing you could do if you have time is go volunteer in the classroom - that way you can observe and be there for moral support.

Let her know that she has to go to school, you can't change that, but ask her what she thinks would make it better? I agree with scheduling play dates so she can make more friends.

I was one that hated going to pre school and K, but I got over it by first grade. I think she will come to terms with it...keep repeating that she has to go, and you can't keep her home so she knows that it's not an option to constantly complain.

Do you have time to volunteer or meet her for lunch one day a week or even twice a month? This helped all my kids. Is she is in a public or private school? Maybe her current school is not a good fit for her.

My almost 7 year old boy went through this last year but not quite everyday. He is better this year but he still says he hates school. Says he's bored.

He is on a wait list for the charter school in our area. Not sure if we'll get in anytime soon.

Another thing- Is she getting a decent breakfast in the morning? Protein, protein, protein. Suddenly my son had pep in his step. He was happier, wasn't dragging. Can't just be cereal or toast. Cereal and sausage. Eggs. turkey bacon.

This sounds like a classic reaction to bullying. Certainly, that was my reaction to being severely bullied all through grade school. I faked every illness in the book.

I think your first order of business is to sit down with the teacher, and probably the school counselor as well. Tell them, I don't know exactly what's going on here, but I need your help figuring it out. You're keeping up your end of the bargain by drawing a firm line and telling her she has to go to school. Their part of the bargain is to figure out what's going on in the social dynamic. If it's toxic, they've got to put an end to it. But they may not pick up on it unless you sound the alarm.

A kid who says "everyone is mean to me" is usually talking about something real, regardless of whether the "everyone" part is technically true. Please follow up on this! Ask them about the school's policy on bullying (just about every school has one nowadays). Ask them to articulate a concrete plan, and set up another appointment, two weeks later, so everyone can update everyone else.

Is she struggling academically?
Could she have an LD?

Is she involved in anything? A club, a sport, dance, cheer?
Is there ANYONE she could get closer to? O. friend? Maybe have that kid over?

Did your daughter talk to her teacher or did you? I think it's important for YOU to speak with the teacher. She needs to be aware of your daughter's feelings. Our teachers were good about keeping an extra eye on kids who were having trouble and reporting back to the parents.
And when she says "everyone is mean to me" ask her questions, what exactly happened, who was mean to you, what did they say, etc. and go from there. It's hard to deal with a problem unless you know EXACTLY what the problem is.
Also give her the opportunity to have friends over outside of school, that strengthens friendships really well and makes kids (especially shy kids) more happy and confident at school.

My 10 yo grandson is this way. His teacher met us at the door and he began saying he didn't want to be at school. She said, "remember, we're going to only say positive things. He stopped whining and went with her. He had a good day. I suggest that ignoring the complaining and focusing on the positive is more helpful than trying to talk the child into wanting to be in school.

For years we've talked about how he has to go to school trying to convince him to change his attitude. We've been sympathetic. We've listened as we had whole conversations hoping to help him feel better. This teacher may have started that way. But now it's a brief comment telling him how to behave with no comment about how he feels. He doesn't need to change how he feels. He just needs to change how he talks.

Of course she has to go to school everyday. When you keep her home some days you are teaching her that sometimes her complaining works. When it works sometimes she will keep doing it.

I would try to arrange play dates with friends that she likes. Talk to the moms and just start off very small like, you guys bring coffee and just go to the park for an hour or two. Then grow from there. Try out different friends and see how you daughter interacts with others so you can evaluate and possible talk to her if she is doing something odd etc. or... sit into the classroom and see. There is probably a "mean" girl doing or saying something to her. Talk to her about confidence and not letting anyone's words effect her etc. Good Luck.

Hi V.
I highly suggest you talk to the teacher and find out what is happening at school. there must be someone/something bothering her, and the teacher may have some insight. Probe your daughter on what is happening and tell her its so you can help her feel better about school. Hope it gets better for you both soon.

How about letting her take the bus. Driving your kid to,school only makes things 100 times worse. Unfortunately, this is non-negotiable. School is a part of life. She will adjust. Make the goodbye short. Drop her and leave her. Do not give her the attention you have been. Staying home, she scores a win! Do not let her do that again. Sometimes you just have to be tough!

I recently met a women who just started homeschooling her 2nd grader because it wasn't just a phase. Her daughter hated school, and even with friends, just wanted to go to school at home.

You could try homeschooling.