Relationship Trouble

I am going through a similar situation with my husband. I have stopped doing his laundry and stopped fixing him dinner. When he asks why I tell him that it's because I spend time doing the things that he should, but won't. He is slowly picking up that he needs to help, and is slowing doing so.

Trisha,

Well, I'm a slob, so maybe asking me for advice isn't such a good idea. . .

First, figure out the things you can let go and stop stressing about. Some things just are not worth wasting the energy.

Second, get some tiny thing the kids can help you with, make it a game (for example, my little guys have a game of throwing all the dirty laundry down the stairs for me to sort and then wash).

Next, visit www.flylady.net for good hints, or even sign up for her many helpful daily e-mails.

Finally, stop doing things your husband says he doesn't feel like doing until tomorrow, and then let him do it tomorrow. If you just keep asking, then doing it yourself, you are encouraging him to not do it.

Good luck. I know this is a challenge. I wish you all the best.
K.

Dear- its simple stop being a pushover. Thats as easy as it gets. life is hard for everyone in there own problems. But u teach people how to treat u and ur teaching him this is ok by having done nothing so far. Stand up and get a backbone. ur a young mom and cant see what ur leting happen. Bigger problems than this r next. been there done and seen it with others.
goodluck:D
R.

The best thing that I can tell you is to get a pt job so you can have a little money in your pocket so that you can take the kids to do something and yes I know what about day care you should be able to find it fairly easy there are numerous places in toledo, For one. Four two have you told your other half what you have typed here..like what he did wasn't much but it helped? The reason why I'm asking is because I work full time and my other half works PT (12 hours a week to be exact) But he does do a few things in the house and I end up cleaning the rest only because he doesn't clean it the way I like it and he usually doesn't stay on top of it. but when he does help out it is appreciated and I let him know that. Try and talk to your husband about that. Good Luck!!

It'a nice to have help around the house, but alot of women work full time and come home and done all the mom things too! To me that is minimal as to what a man can do to let you down. The men that have been raised to help alot with their kids, and household duties, I thank the moms for showing them it's not only a women's job, and how much soother things can go if you both pitch in. Most likely he won't change his attitude about helping, or being tired either. People are usually who they are going to be by say age 25 or so, and only will bend a little, so you have to either except him, or not. The big worry is all the arguing going on, and it's not good for you, him, but mostly your children to be around for to long. When I was younger I worked 9-6 and still did dinner, and what I needed to do for my home and kids, it's not easy, but welcome to adult life, and parenting. Once my son was in school I managed to cut down to 4 days, and had two kids, that helped alot. My ex didn't help much, and half the time was in and out of work,(among others things he let me down when it came to our marriage, and kids) but since I was young, and really wanted to keep my family together, I toughed it out for 15 years. I do regret it now, and know that by all the arguing and disappointments I did them no favors by staying married, and wonder what kind of relationships they'll pick because of it. They're are now 22 and 16 and completely understand the divorce. And guess what their father still hasn't changed, and is still irresponsible, but just found someone else to let put up with it, and her life is much worse, and I tell her I'm very glad to be away from that kind of life, and he knows I do!
I guess you need to way the pros and cons of this marriage, but know conseling does help alot, but getting him to go is a whole other story too! Marriage is not easy, either is being a parent,(I always say being a mother is my hardest job in life) If they're not willing to admitt their faults, and our selfish I believe most likely this will be your life until you change it. Good Luck! I never made alot of money, but finally decided that I'd rather struggle by myself, then struggle with him and be abused (verbally, emotionally, ect..) It hasn't been easy, you really have to be disciplined with money and responsible, but I have my own home, raised my kids, and just now am in a serious relationship, but have been divorced since 1998. You have to be independent, oh and he never paid child support either, and I never counted on it, so it can be all up to you! I could of had the perfect family, a boy, girl, and so on but it takes two, and both have to give it their best or it won't work like you'd like it to. Look out for your children no matter what, and know that being divorced isn't easy either, but it can be done. I don't regret it, and wish I would of realized things were what my life was going to be sooner. Go to conseling yourself, and they'll help you realize that you deserve better, or don't sweat the little things, their's much more other things that can hurt your relationship, and children. I read all the books on marriage, and relationhips too! Try and work things out for your kids sake, you'll know when it wil never change, and then you'll have to make that descision!! ( Can and will I accept this life, or is it time to move on?) If you don't look out for yourself, no one else will!

This is tough because, more than likely, what you see with him is what you will get. I went through the same exact thing with my daughter's father. I got fed up with being taken for granted and we split up. Now, it wasn't just his lack of helping and spending money, it was the fact that after many many talks, and after pleading with him to go to counsling with me, I finally realized even being a father wasn't going to change who he was: a very selfish and irresponsible person. It's hard for anyone to say what is right for someone elses relationship, but, it does sound like you two have had problems for a while. If he isn't willing to work on things anc make some changes, then you have to think about what is right and healthy for you and your kids. You basically have 3 kids instead of two, so, you have to either accept that, try to change him (doesn't really work) or do what makes you and your kids happy. Trust me, I went through this for a couple of years and I hung on as long as I could because I wanted my daughter to have her father there, but, I couldnt force him to be one, so I made the decision that my daughter would be better off not having to hear us fight, or seeing her mom miserable all the time. You are only 23 and have your whole life ahead of you. You shouldn't have to ask him to do things to help you, he should just do it. You shouldn't have to beg him for money. In my opinion, life is way too short to be miserable, so, unless he is willing to do what it takes, I would give serious thought to moving on.

Here's the thing I was with my ex for longer than I should have. He never did anything around the house. Or with the children. My son was 1 month old and had colic so bad I went most nights with only 1 or 2 hours of sleep. Now did he no he went to the spare bedroom and slept. Nice right. He didn't clean after himself. I decided I wasn't going to clean either and I literally went one week with out cleaning or laundry. Needless to say he still didn't help. My plan backfired. I talked to him about it till I was blue in the face. I decided he would never change. I kicked him out when my son was about 2 I did let him back one time and surprise I got pregnant with my daughter, but I realized I made a mistake and kicked him back out with in a week. I learned that I shouldn't have to ask for help he should no I am not his slave. I am a firm believer that in a marriage there it is 50/50. Being a SAHM is a job just as hard as his and any man that don't believe that needs to do it for one week and they will change there tone. If you have to ask him to help then he most liklie isn't going to change and you need to accept it or move on. I am now with a wonderful man and he fights with me to come home and sit down and let him clean, cook, laundry, etc. We spilt up the chores. I do laundry he cooks and so on. We both will help out with everything. And thats how it should be. Also it gets everything done earlier so we have the kids in bed by 9 or 9:30 and we can still have a little time just for us ;) which is needed in any relationship. You need to put your foot down now cause it will only get worse. Good luck and let us know.

Hello P.,

I want you to know... I feel your pain sweetie! I have had that problem in the past. It's easy for him to feel that he earns the money, therefor he spends it. I fixed the problem by taking a job at night when my husband was at home. It fixed a few problems. I had a few dollars to spend, I got time away from my children and him, and he had to take some responsibility. I also sat down and told him flat how I felt. He didn't understand, even when I asked him to give me a little leeway and it caused major problems in our relationship. However, when I put my foot down and took a job at night, he had to do things. And he learned then that my day job wasn't any easier than his. There is hope. As long as you want to be there and he wants to be there... then there is hope. You also have to look at his side. He works all day, and then when he gets home... he just wants to chill. What he doesn't realise is that so do you. And you need help. There needs to be some comprimise in there. Maybe, you get one night each week to yourself, or out with the girls. Or maybe the kids can go to grandma's house one weekend a month. A lot of your little girls temper may be from your stress. Children tend to pick alot up from you. If you are calm, they tend to be calmer. Talk to your husband... tell him how you fee without whining or blaming him. Show him both sides and try to find some middle ground. Look for a way to make a little money for yourself on the side that is just yours. These are the best pieces of advise I can give. I wish you the best. Email me any time!

I truly understand your issue. My husband stays at home & I work full time. But I feel like the minute I walk in the door I have to get to work again. My only break is the drive to & from work. Wash clothes, grocery shop, dishes at night, cleaning bed rooms are my job. I know ur stressed but keep in mind that he is working 11 1/2 hours days. UR both tired. You need to try & communicate with your husband. You have a computer how about signing up for survey's to earn some extra $$, my busband does this. Survey Spot is a good one.
The $$$ issue is a no-no. Is he paying all the bills, then spending what he wants on the $$? Maybe it is time you search for a job for say 8-12 or 8-1 at night, this forces him to give baths & put the kids to bed! Some relieve off you

I know I may sound like a pessimist, but really im not. I was married to a man, had 2 children, and he did nothing to help me ever. Not in child care, housework ect. It was frustrating and i was upset constantly. We fought constantly, and I was miserable. Then I met someone who i have been with for 4 years. We both have jobs (did i mention that i worked when i was married and did everything too anyway).. anyhow.. I am with someone now, we both work, I am 5 months preg, and he helps with everything !!! He works 2-11, I work dayturn, he will get up in the morning and help get the kids ready for school, he will do laundry, wash dishes, cut grass, make the kids beds, clean thier room, anything that I need help with around the house, he will also go to the bank if i need him to, go pay a bill or go to the grocery store. There are good men out there that will help you, just because you are a sahm, staying home all day with children is not an easy task, not to mention paying bills, doing laundry, cooking meals ect. I would tell him you have had enough, and if hes not willing to help you, and doesnt care start making arrangements to go out on your own. When I threw my husband out, my baby was 4 weeks old and my daughter was 2 but I had just had enough. Good Luck to you, I hope it works out for you.

I can relate to you I have the same problem. My boyfriend works from 6:30 till almost 7 at night and he doesn't help. We have argued several times and still nothing. I work full-time as well and when I get home I have so much to do. Half my check goes to daycare and the rest goes to bills so I rarely have money either. It is hard. I know how tired you can get and its like it never ends. There is always house work. I made a schedule out for myself that works pretty well. Every other day I do laundry. Right before bed I prepare my daughters bottles and baby food for the next day. It takes time but it you get organinzed it is possibe. As for my boyfriend I explain all the time that I need to relax too but still I feel by myself. I accepted the fact thtat I do all the housework and am learning to deal with it. I just don't want to fight with him anymore. I really know how you feel and I hope things get better!!!! Good luck with everything

I'm sorry i do understand i have a 2 year old and a 9 month old. And my hubby is beat by the end of the day after working and then doing freelance on the side to help us pay down debt.
I wonder if the real issue is the housework. Do you guys get time to yourself and feel "connected"? Obvioulsy housework is important but I'm finding in my life those things don't matter as much to me when I feel like i've had time to connect with my hubby, part of that being getting away together for a few hours a date perhaps and getting into one anothers life. Life is hard with kids especially i'm finding that marriage is harder with kids. It takes a a lot more energy and time to invest in the relationship that it used to. So maybe he needs time to veg out probably with you and you both probably need an opportunity to just talk to one another and find out what's in each other's heads. I'm sure he's having a rough time but i assume but doesn't communicate that.
My hubby and i are going through this too. We just had a blowup last saturday. I made him cry with the things i said, i felt awful of course but at the same time I NEEDED that emotion from him b/c he wasn't give me anything (in terms of real feelings). After crying he communicated honestly with me b/c i stopped talking and allowed him to talk but also asked specific questions.
That time was so good for our marriage. We realized that we were putting so many other things in front of our marriage. We established at that point that we would carve out time weekly just for us, to hangout at the house with wine or carryout and talk or watch a movie, play games, etc. And then once a month we get a sitter and go out and spend time together. We also established that we would use books on marriage to pull something out of periodically to talk about and remind us of the difficulty of cultivating a good marriage and making it important. We also are taking a marriage seminar to remind us of "why are we married again?" and to refresh our brains on the topic. I found too it helps me to think of the things i'm grateful for that my hubby does. I MUST do this b/c i'me very negative and have expectations a lot that just make him feel like he's never doing enough.
I obviously don't know you or your hubby. But i do know most men are functioners (is that a word??) and don't recognize how they feel their just trying to often provide for their family.
anyhoo sorry to be so long winded but your blog struck me and i wanted to share.
If you ever need to chat or go get coffee please shoot me an email.
take care!

Hello P.. I'm sorry your going through a rough time right now. Are you still in love with your husband? Is he good to you and your children? If "yes" was your answer, you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with him. Try to have a calm conversation with your husband, explain that even though your a SAHM you have a very hard job, and your tired at the end of the day too. I know you said your short on funds, but maybe your husband would give you some money to have a mom's helper(someone you can pay to help you around the house a few days a week - usually 12+yr. old who likes to make some spending money.)I hope you can work something out. The kids always know when we are stressed out. Good luck!!