How Did You Do It? - Angleton,TX

Updated on October 09, 2009
T.S. asks from Angleton, TX
20 answers

Ok, some background...My husband and I have been together for 8 1/2 years and married for about 3 1/2. We have a wonderful almost 5 year old son and 5 month old boy/girl twins. Bottom line is, husband says that our marriage has lost it's spark and when he thinks of the future he's not sure that he sees us together. The spark I have to take some credit for because for the first 5 or six years of our relationship I had a tendency to push away from intimacy due to alot of things in my past. We went through this about 2 years ago and I finally went to counseling to deal with my skeletons and he and I also went to work on us. Everything got much better and has been great for the last few years and we decided to add to our family and got the surprise of having twins. Ok, so here we are and he's saying that everything's perfect other than the fact that he doesn't feel that spark and he's not real sure that he ever has. I am absolutely crushed!! He says that he's not ready to go anywhere, but he's treating me more like a roommate than a wife and I am at a loss. He has agreed to go to counselling to deal with problems that he's had in his past, as well as to talk to someone other than himself about how he feels about me. He has a major tendency to have a problem and completely overthink it and make it bigger than it should be, and he will admit this.

So, here's the big question... I am a stay at home mom with 3 small children and I also go to school part time and I am ready to apply to nursing schools at the end of this semester. I already have a BS in Psychology, but there's not much that I can do with it to make much money, especially with no work experience. We have the kids, a mortgage, 2 car payments, and the utilities and several credit card bills; we are already living paycheck to paycheck with very very little left over. It is hard to fathom the idea of us being able to make it separately financially, not to mention emotionally for me. To help with costs I am trying to breastfeed as much as possible so the kids would have to go with me if this does happen. I don't really even want to think about a divorce, and we haven't gone as far as to say the words, but I feel at this point it's gonna happen sometime in the future. I have heard that kids of parents who divorce without ever fighting are as worse off as kids whose parents fought all the time. I need to hear from moms who have done it and how did you pick up the pieces on your own? We have lots of family, but no one has enough room for me to bring in a 5 year old and 2 babies. He has a tendency to have these feelings (or at least air them) after big events in our lives or when he is unhappy about things at work. Last time it was in our first year of actually being married and his mom and stepdad moved out (he was waiting for a liver transplant is why they were here), and his job was shaky and they were refusing to pay him what he was worth. And this time we've recently had the birth of the babies and money is even tighter, and I don't think he's happy with his current job because he does the job or 5 people but never got a raise after transitioning from the contract company. I don't know...I'm trying to be very optimistic and pray that things will work out, but if they don't I'm just not sure how I can handle everything. So, I need to hear from some moms who have done it and get some words of wisdom. I love him so much and I want it to work so bad, but at the same time I'm not sure I can take this every few years.

Ok, I've gotten some really great responses and advice, but how do I convey all of this to him without sounding desperate and needy? I don't want divorce to be our first course of action, but we both came from divorced families (his mom is on her 5th marriage), and I don't want to take that out.

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answers from San Antonio on

The three biggest issues people get divorced over are: finances, sex, and child-raising differences. You and your husband have been through some stressful times and that can be hard on a relationship. I agree that counseling may help. I would also recommend getting on the same page as far as your financial goals are concerned. Look into He has a great program for getting your finances together and helping married couples work as a team. You can also check out his book at the library or buy it on The Total Money Makeover. I think once you and your spouse can get on a budget and know where your money it is going to help a lot. Dave helps you get started in paying off your debt and saving money.

That may be the first place to start. As far as a "spark" is concerned that waxes and wanes in a relationship. REAL love and commitment do not wax and wane. I'm sure the two of you could use a date-night every Friday or Saturday night where you have the opportunity to remember the exciting things that made you fall in love with each another.

I hope this helps and you can work it out. Divorce is a very difficult and life-changing thing for all involved. God bless you and your family!

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answers from San Antonio on

If he will go to counseling, you need to do it NOW. I had an almost 3 year old when my husband decided he had to "get his head together", and left. Then about 6 months later he remarried.

Your hubby sounds as if he tends to take out his disappointments on you and he knows how to push your buttons - fear of abandonment. There are several things that I know from experience and those are: Loving someone does not always solve all problems; you can't make it work if the other party doesn't want to; YOU CAN HANDLE ANYTHING! The one thing that you HAVE TO DO is to talk to him and let him know that "sparks" have to be nurtured; that you have produced 3 children together and that HE needs to grow up. You need to tell him that he must go to counseling and get over his issues. His unhappiness is HIS unhappiness and his problems at his job are his problems and that these are not your fault. Ask him what HE really wants. Just being on the outside looking in, it seems as if he really talks AT you instead of TO you.

YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE PLACED ON AN EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER any time he has a whim. What I do know is that this is debilitating for YOU and you have to be strong for those kids. Too many people today forget that marriage is more than just a contract. When you all finally decided to marry - you made a commitment. It sounds as if you are working on that commitment and he is mourning his lost youth and things that didn't come true....YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS HAPPINESS & YOU CANNOT MAKE HIM HAPPY IF HE IS NOT WILLING TO WORK AT IT.

Do you have any family? Does he help you with the kids - or they just your responsibility? He needs to plug into their life & NOW. Pray & plan. Don't be caught in this trap. He is also not responsible for YOUR happiness - only you can do that and you need to take charge of the situation. Let him know that you love him, but you are NOT going to let him place you on an emotional rollercoaster and destroy the peace and tranquility of his children and yours. Make some ultimatims. HE is the problem - you are not.

Good marriages don't just happen - it takes BOTH parties working at it, each & every day. Just as in every other part of life, garbage in garbage out - you get out of marriage what you are willing to put in. Sparks can only be rekindled if someone wants it resparked - but there are all sorts of things you can do. You 2 need to go back to counseling and BOTH of you need to decide what your children are worth to YOU.

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answers from Houston on

T., I think Laura W. gave you some great advice. I would also add that you try to get some counseling. You said that you pray so I would also suggest you go to church as a family if you don't already. I believe that strengthens the marriage and the family.

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answers from Victoria on

dont throw in that towel yet. there are both things you can do if your both willing. fall in love again. there must have been something there if you got married. its a really positive thing that he will actually go to councelling.

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answers from Austin on

I have a feeling I'm going to look at this in a totally different way than you are thinking.

Questions: If you are having marital problems and raising young children and very young twins, why are you thinking of yet another activity that takes you away from your family and man? Don't you need more time to work on these things and get the spark back instead of exhausting yourself further? For what are you doing this? To cover yourself in the event of a divorce? Wouldn't your energy be best spent investing in the best stuff of life?

Sell a car. Get out of debt. Cleave to your husband...solve this together...let him continue to be the role of provider and support him by getting on a budget that is within your means (i'm getting this from your credit card bill statement, or rather statement about credit card bills)

...He's just fishing to see how serious you are about loving him and it sounds like he says these things when he is under stress at work.

Stop trying to solve your family's financial problems by doing his job, and stop going further in debt in order to get a better job or prove that you are still intelligent.

Stop preparing for an "inevitable divorce"

Try supporting him emotionally by encouraging him and rededicating yourself to him instead, and see how far it gets you.

One more thing: After reading again, it sounds like he has said something like this before and you probably worked it through with counseling and things were better...Work with him on finding better ways of expressing his desire for more of your attention (and that he is under stress) than going straight to "divorce" talk. Express to him what you said to us: that you don't think you can take this discussion every couple of years. It drains your expenses and your emotions and his words really don't help in the end (its emotional blackmail, not honesty).

If he knew the best was yet to come from you, don't you think he'd want to stick around to find out how wonderful life could be? Keep loving him deeply...don't jump to the end conclusion of the book before working through the best parts of the story.

UPDATE: Just read your addition to your question...and again this is going to sound like its not answering you but if you read to the end I think it may be a way of communicating without being whiny etc. First of all avoid being a dripping faucet. Plan ahead your conversation and think of as many ways of communicating your love, respect, desire and committment to him. Forgive him totally. Help him to see that his words hurt, maybe use a word picture to communicate that bringing up the divorce topic so quickly is like bringing out a big wrecking ball to level a house, when you only needed a coat of paint. We've made divorce talk taboo in our's too serious for that...and we try to show eachother more respect (even when we are really ticked)

You need to share what's on your heart, but remember honey attracts better than vinegar.

Realize too, that men don't necessarily need a bunch of words thrown at them to communicate what I described just now. If you take the words you're thinking and put them into action you may do more good for your relationship than you can imagine.

Homework #1: Pull out the scrapbooks and spend time looking through pictures of when you were dating, and/or wedding photos. Think on them.

#2 Think about good ways that you are different now. Recapture the look that you had in your eyes when you looked at him before you were married. Laugh and smile. But know that you've grown deeper and have more to give than the girl in the pictures. Help him to know this.

#3 Help him to know that you appreciate him as a father and that he delights you by how he pays attention to the children (if this is a weakness, help him to see how much the children love him even through the home chaos) Help him to know how much you trust him and enjoy watching him with them...laugh with him about kid stuff.

#4 Realize we all have issues and hope that they don't blow up into something that becomes permanent. It isn't easy but its worth the effort for the reward.

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answers from Houston on

First off I am so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like you truly love your husband and are really hurting. I think the fact that he is willing to go to counseling is great. Have you every heard of the books Captivating and Wild at Heart? They are written by John and Stasi Eldredge. Captivating is for women and Wild at Heart for men. They are phenomenal, dealing with all the junk that accumulates in our souls and makes us believe things about ourselves that just aren't true. When you said in your post that you felt crushed, I thought Captivating would be a great book for you to get some encouragement and healing from. Wild at Heart would be great for your guy if he is open to it, but I wouldn't push it. These things must be personal choices, but you could get it for him as a gift and just see what happens:) I really pray you guys can work things out. The things he has said are hurtful and I think you are doing great to stick in there and work through it. Remember when people throw really hurtful and painful things our way it is usually a reflection on how they feel about themselves and not about us at all. So just keep hanging on and pray for him to come through his stuff so he is free to be the husband and dad you know is in there. As far as your stuff with school, I don't know how you do it! I was about to apply for nursing school before I got married but it was too intense for me in my first year of marriage, I can't imagine doing it with baby twins. I think I would hold off on the what ifs if you can. You are still married and you do have a degree. That degree can open lots of doors for you if you ever needed it to even if you were not working directly in your field you would gross a higher income because you are a degreed woman. But I really think if he is willing to work on his stuff through counseling you have a real chance. You can't make him change, but the fact he is going to get some help is very encouraging. I wish you all the best and really hope it all works out:)

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answers from Houston on

Well, why CAN'T you do something w/your degree? If you really want to do something w/it, ck & see what's required to be a licensed pyschologist or a counselor. If it requires add'l classes or training, surely you could do that at home now w/all the at home classes available online. Secondly, sounds like you two need a vacation together or even something nice & simple like a picnic for a day. Is there a spot just the two of you like? If not then perhaps you can find a nice cozy spot for the day for just the two of you. Is there someone who can watch the kids while you take time off for yourselves & marriage? Sometimes that's all that's needed to put the spark back in. What I'd do is just sit down w/your husband & just agree w/him that the spark does seem to have faded some (even if it hasn't for you, sometimes some men need to feel that ego stroke) & just say "hey, what do you say that we just go & spend the day together just the two of us" & suggest the picnic or something else you two might like. If he says 'no' then ask why. If he says why then you can go from there. If he won't say why then just explain that you're just trying to think of ways to get the spark back or to just try & do something special for the two of you. If it comes to absolutely getting a divorce then sometimes things just end up that way. As far as the bills are concerned, how many credit cards do you have? Ask yourself, Do you really need all of them? How much do you lack in paying them off? The reason why I'm asking is if you can get your credit cards paid off then there's one less payment (or several) that you don't hafta worry about. What I'd do is start w/one, the least amt. owed, & pay that off then do the same w/the others. What I do is pay more on the one I'm trying to pay off first then pay either min. pmt or just above minimum pmt on the others til the one is pd off then repeat w/the next one. If you really really need a credit card to make purchases...needed purchases like gas, food, etc...then use the one w/the least credit amt. That way you don't have a whole lot to repay & save the higher limit ones or the other ones for special needs like emergencies, should anything arise. That will save a lot as far as having to watch spending is concerned. If you were able to have your own practice for counseling or psychology then that will help w/the bills too. Some even wk out of their own homes (have a separate office). It's always something to think about anyway. Hope these suggestions help. Good luck!

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answers from Austin on


I think we've all been there at some point, where our marriage gets into a rut, and it's especially hard when there are little ones around. Good marriage doesn't come easy.

Not long ago, I read, "I'd Trade My Husband for a Housekeeper." It sounded cute, and even though my husband and I are in a really good place right now, I related to a LOT of the stories/comments in the book, looking back at the phases that our marriage has been through. The book focuses on marriage after children, what most of us are going through, and how to reconnect.

For us, I think what keeps "the spark" alive, is basically keeping connected with each other -outside the bedroom-. I do my best to thank him for being a good provider and a great dad. Before he leaves for work, I give him a long, lingering hug, and wish him a good day. He frequently works from home, so I'll wander into the office now and then, and scratch his head or rub his shoulders for him. . . or maybe crawl into his lap and snuggle for a while.

Additionally, a local church recently had a free showing of "Fireproof." It's a movie starring Kirk Cameron, playing a firefighter who's marriage is on the verge of divorce. Even though much of the acting leaves a lot to be desired (not Kirk, but many of the cast members), the movie really had a GREAT message. I HIGHLY recommend it.

I wish the best for you, and ask you (and your husband) to keep in mind that if it's worth getting married in the first place, it's pretty likely worth saving.

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answers from Dallas on

Marriage is hard, I understand! I think, especially when we have small children, it is very easy to feel like our marriages have lost their 'spark.' Your husband might need to know that it's NORMAL to go through cycles of feeling in marriage - first, you feel so in love, then sometimes you feel hardly anything at all, then it's friendship, then it's back to in love. Like you mentioned, it has a lot to do with what's going on in your lives, external stressors, etc. I would strongly encourage you both, though - if you even consider divorce as an option, your marriage has a much greater chance of failing. Re-commit to each other! Find a marriage counselor that can help you through this rough patch, and realize that there are always rough patches. EVERYONE who has been married more than 2 years or so has been through them! Most people just cut and run when the first one hits, or the second or third. But that's why we vow to be with one another in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer, etc.! Those vows are meant to remind us that even when things aren't seemingly as perfect as they were in the beginning, we are committed to one another, and so divorce is not an option. Don't "prepare for the worst" - dig your heels in, and as much as you can with 3 little ones, you and your hubby work on your marriage! God will bless you so much if you do. I'm praying for you!

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answers from Waco on

HI T.,
Bless you. sounds like you hit the nail on the head about hubby's inability to face issues sqarely head on......happy marriages are not a given and they take a lot of work. Mostly and sided work- and usually from us Moms..... sounds like this time it is the financial issues- and his job- Well, he needs to accept his job as it is- whether it is the most ideal job or not- it is what it is for now- and make the best of it until something better comes along. At your young ages- and I assume he is under 30 as well- he has not yet really met his maturity level and is still having some "growing pains"..... hang in there- this too will pass- but in the meantime have you considered doing something from home to help with the extra income burden he is feeling? Just a little relief would make him feel better possibly.
And here is something else you might try- try to reestablish your "date nites" . Take one week end at least once a month just for the two of you. spend time together - and you can do this without spending any money- go to the musuems- the park- take walks- go window shopping - or just hang out- get someone to keep the kids over nite if possible and just spend time watching movies at home- just the two of you--- this will help get thru the rough spots that all marriages have- divorce is not always the answer- just hang in and it will work itself out - be patient while he continues to "grow up".
Also, get involved with a good family church where you can have other friends and activities that are family oreniated....this will help bring your family closer together.
And consider looking for something you can do from home for the near future for extra income until things settle down. If you go back to school at this juncture you could be putting extra burden on him and while expanding your horizons is wonderful and helpful for you it may damage the relationship at this point.
good luck and blessings

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answers from Houston on

Well goodness, we had no 'spark' the first 6 or so years of our marriage! I'm so glad that hubby didn't walk out based on that.

I do not agree that relationships where no one is fighting is bad for the kids. I have known all groups of adults (those whose parents divorced when they were young, those who were abusive to each other before divorcing when the children were older, those who fought all the time but never divorced, and those who were emotionally distant/roomates and never divorced.

This is what I've found- those whose parents were 'roomates' and did not divorce had a strong commitment to their partners when they grew up. Not only were they insistent on making things work, but they desired to have a close relationship with their spouse 'unlike mom and dad.'

Those whose parents divorced when they were young have no idea what a real relationship looks like and expect a fairy tale with their prince charming. When it doesn't happen they get a divorce from someone who really didn't want a divorce and didn't understand what they were doing wrong other then a lack of perfection and fairy tale romanticism.

Those whose parents were abusive to each other went on to have abusive relationships as adults because they thought that this was 'normal.'

Someone else probably suggested this, but try getting the "Love Dare" book and see if that helps put a spark in.

I do think pursuing more of an education/career would be advantageous for you, and if you have family that can help watch the twins while you go to school that would be great, or if you can take some online courses. Normally I don't agree with leaving little ones, especially while breastfeeding, but I'm concerned that your husband is looking into 'someday' no long being married to you.

Feel free to PM.

S., age 30, wife to Paul for 7 1/2 years (he's one of the men I know who grew up in a committed but 'no sparks' home.)He also has been very sick since October and is now undergoing chemotherapy. I am so thankful that our relationship is not based on sex or sparks but on friendship, commitment, and a deeper love then I could ask for.

mom to 4 girls on Earth and many treasures in Heaven

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answers from Houston on

Hi T..
I cannot help with the subject of divorce, but all I know is that you are very young, and have quite a stressful load. Can you try to get away with your husband for a few days? Anything that may help you reconnect? I have 2 kids and am 31, and agree that you have to work hard to keep any amount of spark going..even though right now my hubby and I are content to have a small flame. ;) I hope that this works out for you, and you are relieved of some stress. Good luck.

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answers from Austin on

Hi T.:

I disagree with the responses that say you shouldn't finish school and pursue your nursing degree. **I totally disagree with that perspective.** Yes, school and studying requires a huge amount of time. But financial security is super important, especially since you have 3 small children and your marriage is going through a rough patch. Hey, we're not living in 1965 anymore!! Women can (and should!) be able to financially empower themselves. You go girl! Get that education and career so you can provide better opportunities for your family and yourself. Don't let anything sidetrack you.

Ok, my take on your husband's comments... Since you asked, here are my 2 cents: The first 3 years after a baby is born are hard. Super demanding. And its even more difficult because you have 2 infants simultaneously. You and your husband are in the trenches, doing the dirty work right now, dealing with sleep deprivation and trying to keep a smile plastered on your face. As much as everyone ooohs and aaaws over babies, they demand a huge amount of energy and attention--And any remaining attention then goes to your 5 year old. So, adult attention and couple time is probably pretty darn scarce in your household.

It doesn't surprise me that he feels distance from you romantically. Or that he feels the relationship is more platonic. (After all, it probably is!) I think this is pretty normal for couples to go on auto-pilot during the first year to 18 months after a baby is born. Your marriage is in an adjustment phase. He's vocalizing frustration and recognizing that he feels his emotions being effected by this transition period. (And again, it doesn't help matters that you both are sleep deprived!)

Honestly, all of us have contemplated 'hey, I could divorce him!' when there is a child under the age of 5 in the household. I read an article once that said mothers of children under 5, especially moms with infants, have fleeting thoughts about leaving their husband at least once every month... And then the other weeks during the month, things aren't so bad... 'hey, I kinda still like having him around'... And then, boom! Something is said or something not done and that thought comes back: 'I could divorce him!'

My reaction to my own thoughts was to promise myself that I would not seriously consider divorce until our child is 5 years old. Because I recognize that the stress from a young child can blind us to our actual emotional attachment. I know 5 years sounds like a long time to wait it out. So, instead maybe you and him could agree that you will give yourselves until after the twins turn 1 to re-evaluate where things are between you. Then give yourselves another 6 months, see if things are getting better...

(Keep in mind: Divorce is DAMN expensive. If you individually don't have $25,000 for a divorce attorney, then you need to keep that idea away for as long as possible!)

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answers from Houston on

I would start off by defining your marriage commitment to each other. Are you each getting what you need from the relationship? The "spark" comes and goes, especially when you're dealing with babies and responsibilities. I think for the sake of your little family, counseling would be a good place to start.

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answers from Victoria on

I have gone through something similar, but I did not come from divorced parents & neither did he. We went to counseling and when I say we I really mean me since he went like twice, but anyway, it did help. First, you have to decide what you want. Do you want to stay or go? Obviously you don't want to stay with him acting a jerk, but if he wasn't acting jerky right now, would you want to be married to him, or just married? If you still love him, but just want him to step up, then try this. If it doesn't work, then you know that you did all you could. Give yourself 6 months... in that time scope your options and set yourself up for easy transition. If things do work, then great. First realize he is showing all signs of being stressed to the max, not to say u aren't, but he apparently has reached his breaking point and doesn't possess good coping skills. So give him some time to recharge. You do love this person right? WEll, take everything on, clean house, handle kids, rely on him in emergency modes only. This is going to be what it is like if your divorced anyway, so consider it practice. Weekends, get busy and ask him if he can find things to do to get out of your hair. I had my other mommy friends come over for a ladies day and had everyone bring a dish. Didn't cost me anything and gave me motivation to clean my house properly. I really enjoyed the day talking with friends and kids had a great time playing. Basically give him permission to play. Hopefully he isn't a drinker or bar person, but encourage sports stuff etc.. Again if your divorced you'll be on your own. Now, start focusing on you once the kids are in bed. Dress yourself up in the mornings, cuz you need to feel good about you and you can't in sweats! Now, as far as the bedroom goes, make a commitment to give you & him 30 minutes 3 times a week. You decide what time of day and where, but give you & him as a couple that. You are just as important as your kids and you give them way more, you give school or your job way more. Now after 2 weeks re-evaluate and see what things have changed. Now slowly begin asking him simply requests and see what kind of response you get. This will tell you if he is really committed to you. After 2 weeks of fun and you pushing him out to go have fun and you handling everything, and beefing up the bedroom doesn't get him to be willing to help you without attitude, then divorce may be the answer. Anyway, simple requests would be "Hey honey, I'm kinda tired tonight, could you maybe wash the dishes while I finish the laundry? I would be most appreciative later." What you are doing is re-teaching him how to treat you. Basically he will eventually get the message that if he works as a partner with you in the marriage, then both of you will be less stressed and happier together, but both parties have to do their share. He may balk at first or make jokes, or flat out refuse. Accept his answer and do not get angry, just try again the next night or next. Space it out give him time to adjust. Remember you have 6 months to turn this marriage around. If he refuses to help after two more weeks, then sit him down and be honest with him. You both have to get to a place where you can talk to each like adults to come to a compromise on each others needs. Neither of you are happy at the moment and that happens when ones expectations are not being met. Ask him what his expectations of you are? How can you meet them if you don't know what they are? If you do know what they are, are you really trying to meet them? Has adding to your family made it too hard for you to meet XY& Z expectations? If so talk with him about how you guys can work together to get them met. For instance, if him doing the dishes gives you time to have a relaxing bubblebath and thus more in the mood for later, I bet he will be willing to do that if he knows that option. What expectations do you have that aren't being met? Does he know what they are? How can he meet them if he doesn't know? Do you think he is purposefully not meeting them to spite you? Has the added family created a situation for him where he can no longer meet them? For us, we figured out to work as a team. sometimes I do more and sometimes he does, but we support each other. Hubby has a physically demanding job and he expected to come home and do nothing, but sit & relax. I worked fulltime and felt jipped that I ws expected to come hoem and cook & clean cuz I was the woman and my job was indoors and not all manual labor. When we had kids, I stayed at home, and then my job never ended. I didn't get any rest time. I got angrier and angrier about it then I didn't feel like having sex with him. I was bitchy and he didn't want to be around me and I knew it, but then I wanted himt here to help and he pulled away more & more. So, the counselor had us keep a journal of all our activities and time doing them. She had us also chart what we thought our spouse was doing at the same time. Then she group them into a pie chart. Time spent doing things for myself, Time spent doing things for my family/kids, Time spent working. TIme spent doing things for spouse. Then she grouped what I thought hubby was doing & what he thought I was doing too. Then she showed us the charts. UUGGGHH that is crazy!!! But it hit home for both of us. His was work, self, family/kids, spouse. Mine was famly/kids, work, spouse, self. What an eye opener, course hubby gotmad and stormed out and never went back till like 8 months later, but after about 3 weeks he started to come home earlier, he started helping out with the kids more and even began doing housework without being told to. I took some things off his plate at work (we own our business) and that gave him time to do other stuff. I now commit time for me and I stop interferring when he does stuff with the kids. When he's on duty and kids come to me I refer them to him. It really has strengthened his bond with the kids and our marriage. It isn't about blame it is about balance. Find the balance your you & him and you both will be happier and content and then you will also be great models for your kiddos. Godd luck.



answers from Houston on

Sounds as if there is a lot of baggage you guys have been carrying around and not willing to unpack, deal with and put away. Counseling is not going to work unless all parties involved are open and honest about the underlying issues.

You can always go to conseling by yourself in an effort to help you made decisions for you and your kids. And a very harsh reality is that you may be a single mom making those decisions.

A good marriage is not made of 2 people living in the same house together. It's a partnership formed and grown with similar / same goals and desires. Friendship and love has to be in place for it to continue to grow and mature. If you stay in a marriage for the sake of finances you must think about the example you are setting for your kids. Do you want them to be in a relationship / marriage down the road that is unhappy but the finances help?

Your husband could also be feeling the "burden" of the bread winner and not seeing anything in return for his efforts.

Do you occassionaly find someone to sit with the kids while you guys go for a burger or see a movie or take a walk in the park? Do you guys make time for conversation that doesn't involve discussions about kids? If not - look into these things.

Check out Dave Ramsey's book - Financial Peace University and read it cover to cover. It will help develop a financial plan for your family or for you as a single mom.

As a married couple your income is most likely too high to qualify for assistance programs - but if you attend a church or have a local church - look into the Angel Food program. The food is quality food and you are able to feed a family of 4 for a month for a little.

Find someone who can watch the kids in their home / your home at a reduced rate from a formal day care - there are people who do this. Find a job that will either help support your family or you and the kids as a single mom.

Just some thoughts to consider......good luck with your decisions.



answers from Houston on

Oh marriage, it is the best thing that can happen to us, yet why is it so difficult!!
You are doing an amazing job, remember (and this is coming from my mom, (37 years of marriage)marriage is is like a business relationship, it is the most important relationship you will ever have, when you entered in to it you said to yourself "I will do and I will work, and I will listen and forgive and give my all to make the other person happy"
T. please work things out with your husband, it seems like he is wiling to work on it. Take some time off, go on dates, take care of yourself, put on that one dress that makes you feel super hot!!!

In terms of financial issues, I recommend she is fabulous!! Also, have you considered maybe watching some kids at home???? My friend of six children watched two extra kids, and brigs about $800 extra a month!!!

Good luck!!!


answers from Austin on

First of all you need to get him alone and without whining, pleading or screaming (these are how I can get when frustrated), just state that first of all you love him, you love your little family and divorce is not an option.

Tell him you two need to decide what it is you want your marriage to be. What kind of life do you want for your children.

Write it down. Get a tablet and on each page write, Today, Next week, One Month, 1 year, 3 years, 5 years, once all of the kids are in school.

Then make a plan for each of these goals (on each page). These should include personal goals, what are you and he wanting, needing, willing to do. Try to give yourselves your own deadlines.

If today your goal is to go home, get all of the laundry out of the way, both of you state what part you will take in making this happen. Who will gather all of the laundry, who will start the wash, who will move the clothes and start the next load, who will fold..

If you are determined to have sex, make the plan on who will cook the meal,who will feed the kids, who will give them the bath and who will put them to bed?.. Then who is going to change the sheets, open a bottle of wine, turn down the lights and light the candle?

Then make a plan for the next few days, then week etc... Try to reach these goals buy helping each other. Plan the meals, the laundry, the lawn care, the sex, the bill paying.. Whatever is going on. Let him know that you and he are a team and you both have goals for the family and need to help each other.

You say you are on a very tight budget with 3 small children, your husband works and you want to go to nursing school. How about getting some of that debt down and then starting nursing school? He must feel like he is a slave to his work cause he has to take care of all of the income. Let him know exactly what your plan is for paying for tuition, books, and childcare while you are in school.

How exactly is your household going to run when he is working full time and you are in nursing school and your child is in first grade with home work? It all sounds so overwhelming, and I am sure he has never seen a working family. Help him visualize this.

Then make a plan for your marriage. How are you two going to start working on your marriage? Can you guys take the kids to the park each saturday morning and have a breakfast picnic? Can you swap babysitting with another family so you can have date nights? Date nights do not have to cost a lot, think of fun and inexpensive thins to do around town.

Your marriage is worth planning and working towards. You two need to learn to be truthful with each other. You need to not freak out when he is being honest with you and he needs to really hear what your concerns and needs are. Then just try to figure out a way to work towards these goals it is the effort that really counts.

I am sending the two of you love and strength.



answers from Killeen on

I am a bit behind on checking the board, but I had to respond. First of all, take a deep breath. I commend both you and your husband for seeking counseling in the past and getting through some bumps. I was married for 15 years and have been divorced for 2 years. My marriage was happy and joyous for 10 years. We lost our first child to a fatal birth defect and then had a healthy girl all within a year and half time. This was a big event in our marriage. My ex really flipped out when he became a parent. He put huge pressure on himself to protect our living/healthy daughter. The pressure was over things he could no more control than the man in the moon. He began drinking more and more to cope with his stress. He became verbally abusive to me. He told me shortly after my daughter was born that he was no longer attracted to me. I was mortified. I gave him an intervention for his drinking and we started counseling. He bailed on therapy after 6 weeks and did not make sobriety a full year. I tell you the background because I want you to tackle all issues and exhaust all solutions before thinking about divorce. If your husband is willing to go to therapy, send him. If you can keep communication lines open that will be best. I thought of divorce everyday for 2 years before I filed. I discovered he was cheating on me and that was the last straw. I filed a week after discovering this information. I assure you my daughter is better off growing up in two different houses. I am not proud that I am divorced, but I know that I did everything I could to save our marriage. One thing I learned was that you both have to want to stay married. If one checks out, then you can't make a marriage work with one person. I encourage you to put money aside, get a side job, something for a just in case account. I have created a webinar series that may be of interest to you in the future. You, your husband and your children will be in my prayers. Take care.



answers from Houston on

One day at a time!!
But I think you should continue to get your nursing degree. Once you have it,then no matter what happens, its yours and you can survive financially.
Finances can stress out a family. If you can handle going to school & family then get it done. I know some of the community colleges even have the "working person program" for nursing, evenings & Saturdays. Check out child care at the college too.
Get some counseling for you & your husband. It could be just with babies & young children there is not a whole lot of adult atmosphere. Many churches offer "couples classes". It may offer ideas/ways to find that spark during hectic times you are going through.
Best of luck & many blessed days, and nights.

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