Relationship Question - Philadelphia,PA

Updated on October 29, 2006
S.L. asks from Philadelphia, PA
4 answers

I am having some trouble with my bf. We have been together almost 6 yrs. He works overnight driving a cab. ABout 6 weeks ago when I woke up at 7am he wasn't home. He is always home when I get up in the morning. I called the cell phone 3 times and got no answer. So my first thinking was something happened while he was at work. I got online to check out our cell phone bill for unknown calls thinking someone hurt him and took the phone. I saw several incoming calls from a blocked number. One that morning at 530am for 45 mins. I tried the cell answer. At 805am he called and said he went to breakfast with his best friend who also works overnight and had left the cell in the car by accident. A few days after that he got upset with me when I stayed up late while he was off of work. I finally went to bed and heard a lot of typing from him. I had to go to the bathroom so I got up and walked by the computer room. He shut down what he was doing real quick. When I went in there I saw a message pop up and I asked who it was from and he said a friend. He eventually admited it was an ex girlfriend from 15 years ago and they were just friends. Now they talk on the phone a lot. The one night he called her 7 times and she called him 9. Do I have a right to tell him no more? I feel that he has lied to me. I know he met up with her at least once but I suspect 3 times. I have hinted around that I don't want him talking to her and he made a comment that he didn't think he would be able to tell her no more communication. I am about to give an ultimatum even if I think he may choose her. She is suposidly married, but I don't know this for sure. I feel his whole relationship with her is more than just friends. I can't prove anything, but I know that thier contact with each other is a lot. I feel he talks to her more than to me and I don't feel that is right. He got angry with me one night for calling him twice but yet she called him 9 times. I guess my question is do I have a right to be upset and to feel insecure? Would I have the right to call her and tell her to back off? Should I give the ultimatum no matter what he chooses?

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

So What Happened?

Well last night we were talking and he told me he saw her on his birthday. She gave him vitamin c and some altoids. Nothing big, but I was angry cause he saw her after I asked him not to. So I told him I could no longer be with him if he is gonna continue to talk to her. He has avoided me since. So I have packed a bag and its by the door. When he comes home in the morning he will see it and if he still doesnt want to talk to me then I will be leaving him. I feel like he has no respect for how I feel about the whole situation. And I can no longer be here wandering if hes gonna stop and see her or if he is talking to her. I cry all the time and its not fair to my daughter to see me like that. So even tho this is the hardest thing I have yet to face, I know its what I have to do. I can't be with someone who cares nothing about how I feel.

A more of an update. I did tell him its me or her. He chose me and told her that he can no longer talk to her. He has a family and he needs to respect how I feel to keep our family together. I will continue to check occassionally until I am certain he was serious about it. But after he told her, she sent him an email. So I know she knows now. I told him I was serious about this and if I found out he continued to talk to her on the computer I will be gone. Only time will tell, but I feel I owe it to our daughter to try and keep us all together. But happy and together. Thanks everyone for your encouraging words and support.

More Answers



answers from Philadelphia on

I was just wondering what happened with your relationship? I am going through a similar situation now. Although mine is different in a couple of ways. I have an 18 month old son. The day I told my boyfreind that I was pregnant he distanced himself from me. At first just sexually. Then of course I began to resent him for making me feel unattractive. After I had my son he tried many times to become intimate with me again but I had alot of anger towards him for our relationship during the pregnancy. A couple of months later I began to see that I either have to forgive him or move on because I was miserable. I decided to try and make things work. He started avoiding me when we were in the house together and working different hours. I eventually found out that he had became very good freinds with a woman that he worked with. He ended up going to the movies with her on two seperate occasions. Needless to say we fought for several months. Him moving out a few times and me moving out a few times. We went to counceling and decided that we both made mistakes and that we do care about eachother enough to try to make it work.She moved to Arizona and all was quiet.. Untill about a month ago I saw that he has been e-mailing her and text messaging her on a daily bases. He has only had a phone conversation with her 2x last month, but I confronted him about it and he said that he couldnt believe that I was arguing about this.. (because she is now on the other side of the us...) Confused and scared. Please let me know how you are doing?



answers from Philadelphia on

Girl, you need to follow your gut. If you think something is up with him and this "friend", it most likely is. On top of that though, you have evidence with all the phone calls. It is totally inappropriate for him to have this type of relationship with an ex, where he is spending more time with her than you. He doesn't seem to care about your feelings at all, as evidenced by the fact that he doesn't think he can tell her that he has to cut her off. Don't allow yourself to be a woman that puts blinders on to what she sees and does not like. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you can change him. I would tell him he has to go. He is already lying to you and being very sneaky. NOT GOOD. Focus on yourself and your child. You deserve better and you won't find it until you get rid of what is not good for you.....him. Good luck and be strong. Most likely, you can do better. If it is meant to be with him, let him see that you are serious. If he comes back and has changed, fine. If not, see ya buddy! Take care.



answers from Philadelphia on

Hi S.,

I know many people are of the opinion that men and women can have friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship. Maybe some people can and that's fine but remaining friends with an ex is just uncomfortable for the other person. And the real problem here is that he was sneaky about it. I believe that if you have to hide a relationship from your significant other, then you are cheating. It doesn't have to mean physical cheating. Emotional cheating is just as bad. For them to be talking so much and all of it behind your back, it's just not right. When I met my fiance, my ex would still call me from time to time because he wanted to remain friends. I could tell that this bothered my fiance and it would bother me too. So I told my ex that out of respect for my fiance, we would have to say good-bye, nice knowing ya, have a great life. The end. And it's not that you or my fiance are insecure people. Your boyfriend had a romantic relationship with this woman at one time and now out of the blue they're friends again?? In my opinion, it has to end. You're not telling him he can't have friends, just no ex's. I would ask him if he really thinks there is nothing wrong with this then why did he feel the need to hide it? I wouldn't be "hinting" around here either. Just tell him point blank, you don't like it, end of story. And if he respects you, he would see that this is hurting your relationship. Also, he needs to tell her not you. If he refuses, or says he can't, well then I think you need to reevaluate this realtionship. I hope it all works out for you.
N. W



answers from Philadelphia on

I am so sorry to hear about your situation, I was in one very similar. I was working a full-time job, getting up @ 4 going to work, going to school after work 3 times a week and every other weekend, on the weekends that I wasn't in school I took an extra day working. First the phone calls started and I didn't really pay much attention because I thought it was his guy-friend (that's what he told me), then he would pick me up late from school...i.e. I got out at 10 at night. Then 2 nights he didn't pick me up at all, I called his house and his mom says he wasn't home, doesn't know where he is, offers to come and pick me up. By this time I've had it! I checked his phone one night and sure enough there was someone else. They were boyfriend and girlfriend, they had sex while we were together, he said he was going to move in with her, he was with ther when he was supposed to be picking me up from school. He told me everything. Supposedly. Don't you know the woman calls me, she's 29, legally seperated, with 4 kids. gets better! He was only 22 at the time, engaged to me, and he told me that he didn't want any kids! She tells me that he must really love me because he told her that he wanted to be with me and how much of a good man I have! I said I don't even want to know how you got my phone number but never use it again, you can have him since you think he's a good man and he lied to her about his age and his job! All of this long-winded story to say...they don't call it a woman's intuition for nothing. If you suspect that he's cheating, he probably is. You need to set yourself up financially and get out of it. Sorry to say that by all means it won't be the last time if you stay. I hope everything works out for you. Please keep us posted, we're here for you.

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions