Relationship Advice - Cleveland,OH

Hi T.,

I understand that this is a very touchy area. No one can tell you what to do but honey it sounds like you have all ready made up your mind. Personally, I would say "See ya!" It will not stop if it hasn't by now. You may think that you are doing what's right for the kids by staying with him, but for them to watch you 2 go through this time and time again is not helping them. I don't meand to be brash by any means, please believe that. But also what kind of example do you think your kids are learning by watching your husband cheat over and over and you sucking it up. Think about it like this, if it was your son or daughter coming to you with this, what would you tell them? There are tons of places you can bring your kids for daycare other then a daycare facility. Ask around for coworkers wives or family members. I think after all is said and done, if that is what you choose you may find you are happier not having to constantly worry and check up behind him. You also need to be happy for yourself and for your kids. I wish you the best of luck in what ever you choose to do. Stay strong.

My husband has a saying- "What's tolerated is taught." Think about what you are teaching your children. They can feel the stress no matter how much of a happy face you put on. And they are learning from their parents' examples.

Don't misunderstand me, I'm a forgiving person and I believe marriages must be worked on to make them successful. However, to have this happen more than once does not do anyone any good. Not you, not him and certainly not your children.

Don't direct your anger toward the other woman. You will never get through to her and, as someone else mentioned, she didn't make any vows to you. Yes, her actions are terrible, but the situation between you and your husband will not change by holding a grudge with her.

Only you will be able to tell what the best thing for you to do is, but from the sound of it you've already made up your mind. However, once you make a decision, stick with it. Either make the decision to leave and leave, or make the decision to stay and work on your marriage. The choice is yours.

I wish you the best!

I am speaking from experience, sometimes you need to gather what you have and walk out. Money will be TIGHT, but in the end, you will have so much more respect for yourself. Do you want your children to grow up thinking that they should accept less than the best for themselves?? Hopefully your husband will see what he's about to lose and make the necessary changes, but if not, aren't you better to see that now, then in 5 or 10 years. Good luck and God Bless!

Hi

I don't really know what to say, because when I was married to an unfaithful husband, I did not have kids yet. But I will say I am sorry and that if you need to just vent a little, please message me. I will be praying for you and the whole situation.

I think I would contact a lawyer now so you make the right choices from here on out. You may need to document all these things or they might have advice on how to protect your assets and children.

I am so so so sorry. :(

The right thing to do here is simple. Leave him. Would your kids rather say they live in a broken home or that they came from a broken home? Never mind what this does to your self-esteem - you certainly do not deserve this! Even though you 'hide' your feelings from your kids, they see that something's going on. Please don't let your boys learn that this is how women should be treated and don't let your girl see that this is how she should be treated by a man.

If not for your sake, for your childrens' sake don't think twice about leaving.

I'm sure that you are a wonderful woman with so many great things to offer. Gather up the strength and courage to do what you know in your heart is right. I wish you nothing but the best.

T.,

I'm sorry to hear that your marriage is so un-happy. It doesn't sound like things are going to get any better, and you deserve to be happy. Have you tried therapy? Would your husband be willing to go? If you can't make things work, as overwhelming as it seems, being on your own is possible. I've been divorced a year and a half now and as hard as it was at first I wouldn't change it for anything. I'm a firm believer that a happy mother makes a good mother - if you're not happy your kids can pick up on that no matter how hard you try to hide it. Yes, financially it's difficult, but I've learned to set priorities and am doing okay. As for putting your kids in daycare...I know that's a difficult decision but they will be okay. My oldest 2 love their daycare, they have kids to play with and regular structured activities. There are even days on the weekend when they ask if they can go to daycare! (Yeah, I feel loved those days)

Good luck with everything. If you ever want to talk feel free to email me (____@____.com)

A.

Don't assume she knows he is married with children. My ex told his girlfriend I was his sister (sometimes I would talk to him while he was on the phone with 'a guy from work'). He never mentioned his children to her.

Keep copies of all phone bills with her number on them. Keep them someplace safe that he won't think to check. YOu may need them later if this goes to court.

I don't know what else to tell you. You may be eligible for title 20 daycare assistance if you leave him. It is income based daycare help and you would pay a percentage of the bill and Title 2o pays the rest. You would not qualify if you are still with him as there is no need for daycare since he doesn't work.

Lakeisha F offered some excellent advice (I wish i had known her during my divorce:). Something to remember, any accounts that you open while you are married can be considered jointly owned if he were to get real nasty. This doesn't mean it will happen, especially since he doesn't work, but it is something to consider.

Good luck with this long road ahead of you.

Well, my opinion.. My ex husband cheated. I did the same thing as you. he cheated, i caught him ( and I mean I caught him at her house at 4 am) i tripped out, he cried I took him back, then when he got away with that, the next person he slept with was my best friend ( of 14 years) Did I mention shes not my friend any more.. The first time he cheated we only had one child. The second time he cheated I was preg with our second.. my second preg was miserable and I knew the whole time he was messing around. At one point I even tried marriage counseling, he said the problems were mine not his. After I had my sec child I was in the hospital and I decided that he either needed to make an effort or this marriage was over. I came home from the hospital and 2 weeks later he was back to his goofiness. I threw him out and filed for divorce. I had a 2 week old baby and a 2 yr old, but I knew at this point it was my sanity or our marriage.. I picked my sanity. And I knew no matter how hard it was going to be that I deserved better then that. I deserved someone who treated me with respect. and most of all that was faithful ( there are entirely too many diseases out there) if you dont respect your body and your sanity then who will ? My motto became " I can be bad by myself, I dont need anyone else to help me fail" And I didnt want to win eventually by default. I wanted him to love me and respect me because I was his wife and his childrens mother. If your considering leaving (which only you know what you are going to do) Get your ducks in a row.. dont act as irrational as I did. I kept trying to save it until one day I was just like " get out".
I will tell you this: It was hard, I cried myself to sleep many nights, when I was done feeling sorry for myself, I met someone else. Its been 4 years since the day I met him, im 7 months preg and he is a good man. He takes good care of us, I dont wonder where he is at night, and ive never had to go looking for him !

I would leave him. I admire you for trying to stick it out after the first time, but twice? I have a nanny, I pay $1400 a month. You may be able to find a high school girl for the rest of summer for less, once your son is in school you can look at latchkey for him, and you will only have to pay for 2 at a daycare. Home daycare's are cheeper. I agree with the PP that you should contact a lawyer. Good luck, my neighbor is going though the exact same thing right now, for the same reason.

Sorry to hear about your situation. I have been there and done that and like you said, it's like your heart is bleeding.

I, too, felt like I was helpless and couldn't manage it all without him. I went to school full-time and worked part-time, he had his own business making $10-15,000 a month, but didn't claim it all and even if I got a lot of child support, I didn't think I could maintain school, parenting and a full-time job. But in the end my mental health is worth it all. Sure I have to struggle, but it's all worth it, I am so much happier! Plus, it's empowering to do the majority of it on my own-- my son goes to a private school, has swim lessons, we are members of the YMCA and he's in the cub scouts. We spend all the quality time together we can and we're much happier. No, I don't have a brand new car or a humongo house, but right now that's not what my son needs.

Nothing is worth my piece of mind and sanity. I look at it this way, I don't want my son to grow up and act like his dad, I don't want him to think it's okay to disrespect women the way his dad does. Plus, I don't want turmoil and any undue stress in our lives. Life is too short. Yes, I sometimes get stressed about money but everyday I am thankful to be alone, life is so much easier with just my son and I. I have more control over what happens to us.

T. if your concern about leaving him is about daycare cost, well, Hold up. If he isn't working he could take care of them during the day even if you two are seperated. Also, in 16 - 17 years all of your children will be out of your house, now that may seem like a long time, but over the span of your life, it isn't that long. Your children can feel the tention between the two of you. So, Don't stay because of the kids, stay b/c u love him and he has changed, but he probably won't change unless u kick him out of the house. Best of Luck hun.

i too was in a really bad relationship with my husband and father of 3 kids. the only advice i have is- when you at peace about leaving, than leave. i have no regret w/waiting too long, because, i know i tried everything i could. at some point in time, i just knew it was time to move on. i have since divorced, dated and have been remarried for 3 years. i am just as sure know i am in the right place, as i was sure i was in the wrong place when i left. best of luck- everything happens for a reason! thanks-M.

Hi T.,
My heart goes out to you. You need to leave him, and I think you already know this. The kids will be much happier with a happier and more secure mom. If you need to research day care, post on here where you live and maybe some of the members here can help with referrals or something. Ask around at work for any help you can get. This is a very difficult situation and I wish you nothing but the best. Feel free to email me if you need to talk or a shoulder to vent on. ____@____.com
Take care.

T.,
I've been where you are at. I had a 7 year old, two year old and one year old.
You will have to search your heart and decide what will be best for you and the children.
Here's what I did...
I prayed ALOT, but I also opened a savings account in my own name and started tucking away money. I decided to wait until I had $10,000.00 put away and then see what I wanted to do.
I knew lots of divorced people, none of which were very happy, they just had a different set of problems to deal with.
Plus, as you probably can understand, my self esteem went WAY DOWN.
I also started seeing a counselor...that helped a little.
I really felt that a lousy father was better for my kids than no father at all, so I just waited.
Eventually (and it took more than three years) my husband decided to come home on his own, told me he would be faithful from then on, and has tried to make it up to me. We're still a family, and although my feelings for him will never be the same, I think I made the right choice for me and my kids.
I talked to some people who had been married for more than thirty years, and I was surprised to learn that many of them had had serious problems in the relationship, but the commitment to marriage was strong enough to hold them together and they got past it.
Now I don't know what would be best for you to do. Only you can decide that, but you can always get a divorce, you can't always reunite the family. I would simply say, wait until you are sure one way or the other.
Have you tried talking to your husband and asking him if he wants out of the marriage? Perhaps his upbringing was different from yours. My husband grew up with a dad who cheated on his wife, and it took my letting him know that I would not tolerate such a thing again to really make him think. Now , he understands a little more about what marriage really means.
If you made it this far, just remember to pray.

Sweetie, If u need to talk you can message me!! Ive been thru it!

Also if you lived close to me Id watch your lil ones for u
Im not goin to say much on here but if youd like to talk feel free to message me private!

T.,

I have never been in your particular situation, but I did have parents that were in the same situation that you are in. My dad did the same thing to my mom. She stayed with him at first and then realized that her well being was just as important as his. I was 8 when they finally divorced. At first I did not get it, but now that I am 26, I fully understand. When I was younger, I didn't understand everything that was going on, but I did know that my mom wasn't happy. She also thought she was "hiding" it from us. Children are a lot more perceptive then we give them credit for. When parents are unhappy, the children may think that they have something to do with it. Please do what you feel is right for your own well being, not because you think it is good for the kids. How could it be good for the kids when you are showing your daughters that it is ok to have your heart stomped on over and over? My mom didn't have a lot of money when we were younger, but she was happier. The three of us kids recognized it even though I was the oldest at 8. My brothers were 4 and 1 month. I am a strong women and I owe it to my mom for being an excellent example. I will never put up with someone cheating on me or using me as an emotional doormate. I have an 18 month old son that I am going to try to teach to respect women and if he doesn't, don't expect them to stay around. No one deserves to not be respected.

Dear T.
You say you have been with him for 12years.So you see you did not get here over nite and you need to heal your heart & than when you are strong you need to do what you need to do to care for you and your kids.
After 12 years there is no easy way out JUST YET
Think with you HEART and not your EGO.
If you need to talk email we can talk.
Right now you need to work on you .One day at a time.
Hope all goes well for .
take care of you your kids need you