Re-establishing My Authority W 4 Year Old

You will hate this idea because it is one more book to read but it really changed my life as I had the same problem as you at one time. 1-2-3 Magic. This book will cost you $15 but well worth it. I still have to go back on occasion and refresh my memory when things start getting out of hand again.

Try "How to Behave so Your Preschooler Will, Too" and
"Positive Discipline for Preschoolers" - our school endorses this method and offers multiple workshops throughout the year on it. "Unconditional Parenting" (book or DVD, for the busy mom) is also wonderful, but it's not specific for that age.

They talk a lot about avoiding power struggles with your kid, you don't want to get into situations where you feel like you have to win, and the only way to do that is for the kid to lose. They show you how to model respect, and how to defuse an issue before it flares up.

Good luck

Once you set a rule stick to it, if you let it slide once he will think he will get away with every rule you make. As a Christian mom I say follow your Bible and do as it says. Timeouts don't always work, but sometimes taking something away they really like or like to do works. You and your husbands rules should be the same and you have to continually back each other with punishment make sure the child sees this happening. Works well in my house with a 12yr. old girl and a 5yr. old girl. Give small rewards such as stickers for good behavior or a treat or a day out to the park for being good all week. Children love routine and discipline, but they have to be clear on the rules! Stick to it and I'm sure he will turn around and respect you. I tell my children show me respect and you will get respect in turn. Using the Bible works well too. Hope this helps.

I too have a 4yr old with disrespect issues. I have tried everything from spanking, time-out, talking with him, etc. Lately we have found what he values...his toys. When he disrespects, throws fits, or does whatever thing he does that we are working to change, we take a toy. He earns a toy back on the following morning if all goes well for bed-time and staying in bed and such. We can take as many as we want during the day for behavior corrections, but he can only earn one toy back per day. It seems to work better than anything else so far. We have 3 garbage bags full right now, but it has been more, and he is slowly earning them back. Try it, it has worked for us. Most importantly though...you have to be on the same page with your husband for any kind of discipline. Talk with him about it and see what he thinks.

I have a six year old a four year old and a 20 month old. Believe me I know your issues! We started a program at the advice of a counselor called 123 Magic and it is working! We're still dealing with backtalk and some other issues but it is getting better. I borrowed the videotape from my library (you might be able to get it from yours). And don't let the date put you off, it is from the 90's but it works! One thing we did was to reverse the bedroom locks on the doors, because it involves in-room time outs. My oldest will go in his bedroom and stay until his time out is up but my daughter (the 4 year old) will not stay unless we lock the door from the outside. Yes she will tear up some things in her room but we've made it clear to her that it is her mess and she will have to clean it up when she is done (or throw it away when she destroys it) so this keeps that to a minimum. But at least check it out. We tried reasoning with them and all of that stuff but they are at an age where that stuff just goes in one ear and comes back out. This method sort of works on the Pavlovian model and they stop the behaviors.

I just went through some of the very same things with my 4 year old daughter (do most 4 year olds go through this??) so I understand! My neighbor and her 5 year old have also been struggling in the same way. I read "How to parent a strong willed Child" and started it right away. At this point I had nothing to loose. My neighbor then read it and started to impliment it. It' seems a little strict, but once you have your "dance" down, as they call it, then you really don't have to be so strick all the time. They just have to learn where they can't push you around. It really worked wonders for both of us, and I read so many wonderful reviews about it before I was willing to give it a try. This book covers EVERYTHING in there you will need to do, but also lets you decide how to carry through on some of the discipline. If you haven't read it, you might want to give it a shot. And be patient. Anything you do is going to take some time to work. This book took a good 2 weeks for us and we were cured as I like to say! I'm happy to answer any questions you have too!

I always thought that Dr. Phil had the right idea when he talked about "currency". It seems so simple. There is always a currency that matters the most to our children -- playing outside, playing with a particular toy, a particular event they love to do, a snack, etc. And the only people who should and do have control over how much that currency is distributed are you, your husband and ultimately, your son. It's like this: Certain behaviors affect the distribution of this currency. And your son can decide for himself just how valuable this currency is, and the behaviors that will affect him getting more of whatever he wants or having those things taken away.

I like this philosophy because it doesn't entail you or your husband having to argue with your son. You just make it clear that "x + y = toy and x - y = no toy. Your choice!" The child learns how to think for himself, accept responsibility for his actions, and what good or bad behavior will get him.

Your son will respect you when he can predict, with absolute certainty, what the rules are in your house.

And, and one more thing: As for time-outs, Dr. Phil also says that time-outs do not entail the child screaming and yelling and throwing things in his room after you have put him in there. They start after all the dramatics. The time-out is meant for your son to reflect on what he's done and the consequences for same. He can't and won't think about his actions while he is screaming and carrying on. So, if that is what you are talking about when you say "time-outs don't work", try Dr. Phil's advice.
Good luck!

E.

K. -

First of all, you do not have to establish your authority. You are the parent, thereby you have the God given authority over your child. It's that simple. It's not something anyone has to give you.

That being said, to bottom line it, you must do 3 things in order to get back on firm parental footing. They are: 1. Clearly communicate expectations/rules 2. Consistently apply consequences 3. Always follow up correction with love - it's a natural part of discipline.

When your son sasses you, verbally correct him, administer a consequence (hot sauce on tongue, soap in mouth, spanking - whatever you deem appropriate), then remind him how much you love him. You discipline him b/c you love him and you care what kind of person he becomes. I would like to suggest the following books for specific suggestions:

"Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours" by Kevin Lehman
"On Becoming Child Wise" by Ezzo
"Parenting the Strong-Willed Child" by James Dobson

Remember, you are the parent, you make the rules and his job is to obey/honor his mom and dad. You already have the authority...you just need to exercise it :-)

Best wishes! J.

p.s. - pick your battles wisely. Not every hill is worth dying on.

I think that 4 is a very hard age. I especially noticed this with my son when he was 4. I have a boy and a girl. I think that you just have to keep working at it whatever you choose as punishment. It seems like you continually tell them over and over what is acceptable behavior and what isn't and then one day it finally clicks in. I let my son know in some way what was unacceptable behavior and tried to catch any form of good behavior and then praise him for that. It's a difficult time for both of you. They are stuck between toddler and big boy and I think it's frustrating for them. You are in no terms past establishing your authority. I think it's very important for children to learn respect. We talk a lot in our house about what respect means and how to show it. I always tell my children how much I love to see respect and how good it makes me feel inside and ask them if they don't feel the same way. Everyone likes to feel appreciated and respected. One of my motto's is: The hardest thing about parenting is...Parenting! However, I think it's worth the work you put into it when you do it. You might try a reward system...when you see him acting respectfully toward you or anyone else, he earns a point and the points add up toward something fun you do as a family. I'm sure you've heard it before that children crave boundaries. It makes them feel safe. Good luck...it's a tough time but, you will reap what you sow. It just takes time.

It's never too late, not even for a teenager. www.loveandlogic.com

We've recently gone back to a reward chart for our daughter - she's almost 4. She gets a smiley face for good behavior (at meals, bath, bedtime, etc) and a frown anytime we have to scold her or tell her to do/or stop doing something more than once. It's a very good visual for her... seeing the frowns has more impact than not getting a reward or any form of time out.

We also take things away from her for a period of time --- if she throws a toy, jumps off her rocking chair, etc - then it goes away for a week or two depending on how dangerous and bad her bahavior. When she gets it back we can always remind her or losing it and she does much better.

Start slowly with one thing. In my house a big problem is jumping on the couch. I spent time one afternoon with my kids, explaining how I did not want them to act on the couch, and what was acceptable (sitting, laying, etc). If they wanted a cushion from the couch they have to ask. Once I got the couch situation under control, I moved to another situation, then another. It doesn't happen over night, but I have found, that kids need to be taught how we want them act, and sometimes we just assume they know we want them to ask before getting cushions, and get frustrated when they don't, but we never taught them that was what we wanted!

With the fits, which we are experiencing again at age 4, we send our son to his room, because we refuse to give him an audience for his tantrum. If we must, we escort him to his room, and we always remind him to close the door softly. He sulks, cries, sometimes screams, but after 5-20 minutes, he comes out happy again.

For talking back, I would try a time out EVERY time it happens. It is a drag, but consistency does work. My daughter is a little older (almost 6) and hates time out. Make sure at time out he has no toys, lovies, etc. That will help make it a time he does not enjoy.

Good luck to you!

If your child acts like a brat at 4 years old, imagine the monster he will be at 14! It is not too late to discipline him. A great book is Dr. Dobson's "The Strong-Willed Child".

L. L.

I agree with Susanna. Alfie Kohn and Unconditional Parenting is a great resource. You do not have to be an authoritarian to get good behavior from your children. (((hug)) Best wishes.

Do you ever watch The Super Nanny? She does have wonderful ideas. And being a teacher myself, I know that you need to conquer this before your child gets into a school setting. Does she/he go to a preschool program or MOMS out program? If not, that would be a great start! Good luck! Be firm and follow through ~ these will be your best efforts! S.

I would suggest that you and your husband come to an agreement by establishing authority together by backing each other up on how discipline is given. Support is important.This will also help you to find your boundaries with your child. If this doesn't work then maybe seeking family counsil would be the next step.
Sencerely,
LAM

I am no expert, but, in my opinion you need to take away the things he cares about - toys, books, games etc. and make him earn them back one at a time with good behavior. Tell him exactly what you expect. When you speak, he looks at you and listens. If he doesn't understand, he can ask you to explain. Hitting and pushing are not allowed. Families have to work together for the household to run smoothly and his job is to clean his room up when asked, follow instructions or whatever you and your husband have decided. I have used a lock-box strategy with my daughter and it worked really well. Time outs did not work with her. You gain respect by acting calmly and outlining a plan to follow that is clear to him and then you follow through. Be strong! This is a good life lesson for him. Good luck!

Why is he acting this way? Your son is testing you and you are failing. He wants you to win. Kids crave discipline because it establishes rules and order in their lives. It is hard to know the answer to why he is acting this way. Try to establish a routine so he knows what to expect each day from morning to night. Be sure to read to him each night to provide that one on one time that kids love.

Talk to him and tell him that this behavior is not good. Explain each behavior that is not good specifically and tell him it is not nice and hurts your feelings. Talk to him eye to eye especially when he misbehaves.

Explain to him that when he acts this way, he will be disciplined. "Find his currency" as Dr. Phil says. Every child has a currency no matter what age they are. My 4 year old likes to watch tv, play video games, or snacks. If he misbehaves, I take those items away for different incidents. After a while, you can teach your son that these are the rules and he has to behave. You will have to do it 20 times, but he will get the point. It will get better with time as long as you maintain the same behavior and DO NOT GIVE IN.

Offer rewards for good behavior AFTER he has good behavior. Don't bribe him with it. Tell him since he did so well, you two are going to go to the park together or McDonald's. Give him lots of love and encouragement and kids his age like independence, so be sure to encourage that.

I thought I read in one of the reviews that you were Christian anyways I recommend the book Shephearding the childs heart. It's not just about spanking but it does promote it in the right way, being done lovingly in control and for the right reasons, the path of disrespect is not a phase it's a condition of the heart, it will continue for other authorities in his life (think teachers and police). This book also helps with establishing that respect after you feel it's too late which it isn't. You can find the book online or at local christian bookstores, it has worked for my tantrum throwing 3 year old b/c it not just about discipline it's about teaching and guiding your child's heart. The currancy thing is a neat idea but you have to keep it up for life finding new ways to bargain with your kids,always bribing them to be good and respect you instead of making them see why honor and respect are just good things to have because it's good for the soul. when you deal with the issues of why disrespecting is wrong they learn early in life and then as they are older they don't need to be spanked sure things will arise but you should have open lines of good communication by then and this book covers from infancy thru adolesence

Hi, K. B
I have two kids one 7 years old and one 21 years old, so I have been through it all, Literally my 21 has taken me and my husband through it all, he is growing up and changing before my eyes everyday. I could give you all these great techniques, but I believe if you do not deal with what you are doing to create this environment, you can do all kinds of stronghold, tough love, positive reinforcement, but the issues and the environment will remain the same. When I start dealing with me and make decisions in my life period about what I was created and tolerating, my children they change or they understand in life there is consequences for their actions. Those consequences have nothing to do with me, they choose those consequences when they do not want to respect what my husband and I have established to give them a loving and safe home. I dealt with my own frustration and insecurities and it changes the environment around me, not only with my kids, everyone. Hope this helps. I know it maybe pschological and all, but it works. It's a process and it takes time. So while you work through it, stay consistent with what you have choosen that is best for your family. Kids need lots of unconditional love and structure. L. W.

Hey K.,
I have 3 girls ages 7,5 and one thats 3½ and happily married as well as very blessed. What I suggest is taking away very common things that he looks forward to playing with or doing such as watching Diego or play with a favorite toy car or action figure. Offer it as a reward when he follows the rules! Make the rules very clear, short, and simple. Ignore his wineing as you explain them so that he does not believe that it will redirect your focus. Try to keep from repeating yourself if he interrupts. Say it be done with it then do it When he allows the moment fussing to pass take time and repeat what you have said earlier maybe hour later or so. He is calm and will surly hear you. Let him know what he has done wrong and you are not pleased . In a low tone tell him he will be allow to (fill in the blank) when he does (fill in the blank). You may have to do it again on a different day so he remembers that he broke the rules and this is what has happen...so maybe day two no Diego again. Say something like it's time for Diego and we need to be respectful if we're going to watch Diego. Who's going to be respectful and follow the rules? Give him the chance to say he will ....tell him "It will please you WHEN he does. ...not ( If ) but when.. let him watch it and as your turning it on or handing him the toy desert.. what ever i is you choosing
etc. ? let him know that if he doesn't do it there will be no more Diego etc. Let him know you will not be pleased..... but you know that he will do as he has said he will do ? ....YOU must follow though!
This will build his trust in your word "what you say you will do" and teach that it will not tolerated. Saying that you will not be please will help establish his caring of what YOU feel matters to him when he does right and wrong. It will attach his actions to what you feel about what he does for him...therefore when he does good he will begin to think mommy will be please....He may ACT like he doesn't care if he's a stuburn one ;). but give him time..... if you continue to tie the good things he does by following the rules or respectfulness to pleasing you ....he will know they go hand in hand. The thought of him having something happen he doesn't like will go hand and hand with you NOT PLEASING Mommy.
NOT pleasing you will begin to be something that he does not like and won't want to do. When he does good or does it right let him know it PLEASES YOU and he will begin to want to please you
I implemented this a while ago and it continues to work. At one point they weren't caring so much about what they were doing and how I felt about it ...only or how they were mad... As I began to do this they began to show more that they care about if what they are doing I was pleasing me as well as acceptable.
I hope this helps and wasn't to confusing.

My son just turned five. He hates being sent to his room. I guess that's sort of the same thing as a time out and it works pretty well for us. Lately my son has been getting into a little trouble at school. I took away several of his favorite toys/priveleges and now every day he comes home with a good report he gets one back. Those are just a couple of things we're using now. It's all easier said than done, but you have to have consequences for bad behavior and be consistent in whatever you do and have zero tolerance for disrespectful behavior. Try not to give into yelling, which is often my mistake, and then I just end up with a headache!

Children need/want clear boundaries. Dr. Cloud and Townsend have a wonderful Christian based book for children on boundaries. Your child is probably confused by unclear rules of discipline. Good luck.

Hi K., I will suggest that you try to be alittle softer, loving and attentive. That might turn it around. He might just be seeking for more attention or he might think you don't love him. You never know kids have their way of looking at things. my almot three year old will try to take intructions when i am very firm with him but will do even more if i ask him nicely. So try this approach and see if it works out for you. Bye S.

I have the same issue with my 4 year old. I just started taking away his most prized possessions. Time out doesnt work that well but taking the TV, toys and games away works wonders. He will fight you at first, but stand your ground with him. My husband got on me about talking at him instead of to him, which makes alot of difference. Good Luck!