Question for Divorced Moms with Teenagers Concerning Boundaries and Discipline

i have an 18 yr old son. We argue all the time. He has gone from a preppy smart man to a pot head. i had thought we escaped that. i try to encourage him to be an indivual and just let him know i love him. He says hes sorry and no matter how mad we are at each other he says i can do or say no wrong in his eyes. Just be their and no matter what they do love and listen to them. its a hard world out there they need you whether they do whayt you want or not. theyll grow out of most phases

This book might be helpful.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
by Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081...

I've been through the single mom thing with teenagers. U are right about boundaries. It is very hard with teenagers and they will push and push but, u have to stick your ground. they will be grateful in the long run. my son just turned 20 and now realizes why i did what i did and why. also, if u want respect u have to give respect and teach respect. let them know what the rules are and what the punishment will be if broken so they know ahead of time. there were times when there was no tv or computer or going to friends houses all at the same time for 2 weeks. the hardest part is inforcing it and sticking to it. let me tell u though once u get threw the 2 weeks, they think twice about doing that again. my x also tried to make himself look good and there were no rules at his house and it has backfired on him. children need rules and respect. hope this helps. good luck. the teen years are hard. P.

Hi,
I just wanted to tell you that I have a similar situation. I believe you are doing well in trying to insstill discipline in them. Specially the respect part. Just keep on doing. I have a feeling eventually things will get a bit smother.

Where do you live. Maybe we can meet for a cup of coffe and share our similar stories and exchenge advise. I am a mother of two teenagers 15 and 17.

I don't really know how to get the teens to respect more. Their brains aren't fully formed and the main part that isn't formed is the logic center. It will take time, but set a good example and re-inforce what you're trying to instill in them over and over. Make the rules in your home as clear as possible and stick to whatever punishments you have for breaking them. You can't control what they do when they're with their dad. That may be something you'll want to seek counseling for. Either for yourself or as a couple. (I know you're not a couple, but you are paired for life by those children) I really just want to tell you to not sweat the gothic stuff. I don't think that's an issue you really should push. Being a teenager is about finding out who you are and what you like. She's just trying this on for size. Let her dress in whatever color she wants and unless it's detrimental to her health or well-being, whatever style she wants. Of course you want to protect her from people who see dark clothes and immediately think of her as a threat or a misfit, but that's something she'll learn on her own. We always tell our children to not judge a book by it's cover, but by not letting her try on this "gothic" persona, you're silently telling her that you do judge people by how they look.
I hope things get better and you can find some common ground with your ex. It sure makes it hard when you're on opposite teams.

I was like your daughters, and now I am married woman 26 with a wonderful huspand and beautiful child of 20 months. As my mom did, you must let them experiment and try. Tell her you like what she wears and its not that bad, and you think she looks cute and she might actually give it up because you like it too. When I was that age I wanted to do things that I knew would bug and upset my parents. If you talk to them like adults and tell them you are here for them no matter what and that all you want is honesty and respest they will too give it too you. Try not to nag or be mean, just understand she will be hateful till 21 or so. As long as you remain friends and an open parent without judgement she will become your best friend it happend to me including all of my friends. I think its a part of pre-teen hood or what everthey call it now. Good luck, I hoped this helped.

My advice is to just calm down a little. Ok so your teenaged daughter wants to be gothic- thats normal. She is at the age were she is needing to be like others that are around her. Just because she dresses in all black doesn't mean she is doing drugs or something worse. When you are on her case (and your ex's case) about how she dresses, that just pulls the two of you more apart instead of making this very hard time between a mom and daughter a little easier.
I would be mad if my husband told my kids to not listen to me. My ex never does the same bedtime or anything with our 2 kids. But I look at it like this, when they are at their dad's I know they are not going to get any sleep, I know that they are going to be tired the next day or two. So instead of fighting it and complaining to my kids or their dad, I just prepare an easy dinner the night they are coming home and have them go to bed- sometimes even let then stay home from school to help make up on their sleep.
About the no respect thing. I teach my kids to respect themselves. I think that you and your ex both have good arguements. My husband and I were just talking about this just last night, we don't want our kids to listen (respect) to adults just because they are adults and end up getting hurt. Example: child predetors, I know thats a bit much. But we teach our kids to stand up for themselves and if they have to to rude- be rude. We do not want our kids to be a doormat to anyone.
I hope this helps and I know this is a hard time- single with teenage girls. Just remember when you were a teenager. Try to help them, not mold them into a person they are not- they will only hate you for that.

I know exactly how you feel. i am a step mother of 2 teenage girls. they too lack respect...for anything and everybody. the youngest is trying to be gothic. one thing i can tell you about the gothic thing is it will pass. i am only 28 years old ant the girls are 14 an 16. i tried to be gothic in high school. it lasted for about 3 years and then it got old. i now try to live a real christian lifestyle, but with the teens it is hard! i disagree with it and so does the father so we made a comprmise. she can wear whatever dark and depressing clothes she wants to as long as they are in good taste. no white face makeup! we also monitor the music she listens to...after all we have to give her the money to buy the thing she wants rigt? if she somehow gets a hold of something we dont approve of we take it away. she gets mad for about a week then she gets over it. i am still working on the respect thing. i am trying a new approach to it. we only have one rule in our house now, which is to respect everything and everybody.if you think about it the all rules need to be followed. if the rules are followed they are respecting you.i told the girls as children they only have 4 rights. they are food shelter, clothing, and education. everything else is a privilege. and if you break the rule a privilege will be taken from you. start small at first, the more they disrespect things the more privileges they loose. this is starting to work at my home. As far as what the father is doing, smae thing is going on with the girls mom. she is trying to be a friend instead of a parent, which is not cool. i ahvent figured out how to deal with this yet. well good luck on everything. let me know what the out come is.