Pulling Away After 25 Years of Craziness

I have a similar, though not as severe situation, with my husband and his mom and their family (his mom has late stage Parkinson's).

What I've done is made my husband (also the golden child of the family) the "point person."

When I get a call about a problem, my answer is "let me check with Husband and have him call you. Oh but he's busy? Well we'll have to wait until he's finished working then." If it's an emergency call an ambulance.

In other words take yourself out of the middle. They are triangulating you into what sounds like long-standing dysfunction. Don't delude yourself that you are important to them independent of your husband. And don't let your husband make you the buffer. It's his family and his responsibility. His family has made it clear that they want you to back off, so do it and be privately thankful that you can focus your energy on your own life. It's healthier that way anyway.

Stay out of the drama!

Good luck.

ETA: I'm not suggesting that you leave your MIL or stop loving her. But the bottom line is that so long as she is still a competent adult, calling the shots, she is CHOOSING to listen to the people immediately around her, even though they have done little except take from her. That's part of the dysfunction (playing the victim). The only way to stop that "dance" is to stop being half of the equation. Let your husband drive this more. That's all I'm saying.

Wow. I hear you.

Stop going over there. They want to do it? Fine! If you are 45 minutes away and your MIL calls you with an emergency at 10 PM on Sunday, the most responsible thing to do medically (as well as the less stressful thing for you) is to call Emergency Services and tell them the situation. Put her local EMTs on your speed dial and report it. They can get there faster and deal with her sooner than you can, driving 45 minutes and then driving to the ER.

Don't go to any more appointments unless someone in the family asks you to take a shift and they are all taking them too. You can make a meal or two to put in their freezer if that helps. But if there are several people in the family who need help, they need some local services and home care, not someone 45 minutes away. Let go of this.

You've got something going on medically - if it's not MS or Parkinson's, it still sounds like you think it's something neuromuscular and auto-immune. These conditions are aggravated by, and perhaps caused by, inflammation and stress and insufficient nutrition of the right balance. I work in this field extensively and have seen these issues up close. I see what works and what doesn't. I see people treat symptoms (at great expense and with side effects and with limited success) and I also help people eliminate or greatly reduce the cause of these health issues. These diseases (MS, fibromyalgia, Parkinson's, chronic fatigue, Epstein-Barr, many more) often seem to be more prevalent in women - and some people postulate that it's partly because women do so much more caretaking especially when everyone else bails out. If you're going the medication route, you've got a long haul ahead of you with diagnostic tests and drugs. You need to focus on yourself.

How do you keep your kids out of it? You stop these conversations with your husband where they think you are fighting. You let your husband handle his family and you stop arguing with him about them and your role/exhaustion in dealing with them. You say you refuse to be a pushover - so stop letting your children see you drop everything and drive 45 minutes in the middle of the night. That's not how to deal with an emergency anyway - teach them to call 911. And take care of THEIR MOTHER by making her more healthy. Don't teach them to give themselves over to in-laws who won't take care of themselves. Teach them that you can't always save people from themselves, that people make choices, and that it's not the job of one family member to sacrifice herself for unreasonable people. Teach them that it's possible to go overboard and do too much, and that irritates people too.

(sigh) tough way to live. Sooo, you've been caretaker for quite some time, & after this past weekend....your SIL has decided to take over.

You've been married for 20 years to a man who has always been responsible for his family. So he, too, is a caretaker.

& now, after the big scare this past weekend, your SIL wants to step up to the plate & take over. Is this right? The daughter now wants to be responsible for her own mother....as she should have been all along? Good for her!

& if you take a step back, this is also good for both you & your husband! You're having health issues. He's active with his job. AND you live 45 minutes away. This change of caretaker is good for you!

Please put aside your hurt feelings (especially after your SIL's outburst), & try to be thankful that the load/burden is now shared by the rest of the family! & honestly, I do get that you're worried/concerned about the future.....but I see "good" here. It's coming from a scary/hurtful event, but this can be good for all involved. I wish you Peace!

First, take a deep breath. You are so stressed out and that is not going to help your health.

Then remember that your husband stepped up and stepped in -- he took on SIL and now she, not you, is dealing with things. That was his role all along, and he frankly should have done it long ago, but he's done it now. TELL him that you recognize that and tell him what it means. Also be clear with him that the situation must stay that way; SIL demanded that you butt out; he told SIL to deal; that needs to stay in place. You need to focus on your own health so you are around for your own children.

Refuse to take MIL anywhere (short of a call to get her to the ER -- if she's 45 minutes away, call an ambulance if she calls you to go to the ER!!). I would guess that at some point, SIL or MIL is going to call you and say that car service is overbooked, or something came up, or SIL forgot to book a car or make an appointment, etc., etc. It is tough -- because MIL is indeed seriously ill -- but you need to step back when that call comes and say, "I have some health issues that must be dealt with. I'll have Husband call you." And then let HIM handle HIS family from now on.

I would help in one way, though: Gather the names and numbers for several different car and taxi services, etc. and have them ready where you and husband both can e-mail them instantly to SIL or give them to her over the phone. That way she can't say "...but I don't know what to do."

The other alternative would be for your husband (not you! not you!) to look into giving his sister an old, used car that works reliably enough to get MIL to appointments around town. Do not expect this to be a matter of "you can repay us"! Make it a gift or don't do it at all. Adding a money debt to this mess would only make things worse.

Regarding the uncle, if he is "kind of backwards" (and I am not sure what you mean there -- health issues? Mental capacity?), if he needs care, someone should be looking into a facility where he can be cared for, period. If he's MIL's brother, sick MIL has no business trying to care for him, obviously. He might need either in-home care or might need to find a place to live where he can be cared for if he is not capable of self-care. Seriously, someone professional needs to evaluate him and start exploring the options for Medicaid, or assisted living, or home aides who come into his home -- whatever he needs, but it's impossible to tell from the post; however, you should not be doing all this. Husband needs to get involved here if uncle has no kids of his own or others to do this, but it will be a lot of work up front and uncle (and MIL) might balk hard at the idea of intervention.

One other thing. SIL's blow-up at you about butting out, etc. was clearly so painful and wrong. And you and she also clearly have years of issues and resentments between you, especially as you feel she has not carried her weight caring for her mother and uncle. This is all why your husband now needs to intervene but not by doing all the care and transportation himself--but by making arrangements and getting information that would lead to the best care for MIL and uncle. MIL sounds as if she might even need assisted living that has a medical component. But it's husband's and SIL's role to do that -- or if not, SIL should accept that she is now a full-time caregiver.

Gerri,

You lost me when you opted to stay on at the hospital until 11pm at night when your very own daughter needed you.

If you got your MIL to the hospital, she is in good hands. Bow out. Go Home. Tend to yourself. You are treating her as completely incompetent.

It is ultimately her choice and her personal responsibility to listen to her own health, and make appropriate decisions regarding her care, and timing of care. It's the ol' you can lead a horse to water, but can't make them drink.

Why do you feel so responsible for ever little medical concern, and every uninspired family member?

You need to think clearly about what you can and cannot do, and what you are capable of doing with it negatively affecting your own health and family time.

You do need to take a step back. When you say no, it gives others' the space to say yes. Otherwise, they'll just start to expect you to step in all the time.

Ditto the Boundaries and Co-Dependent book recommendations.

My situation is a little different, but I learned a lesson I will share with you.

My sister would always tell us all about the problems she was having and then just let the conversation dangle until someone usually me would say well I will do "fill-in-the-blank" to help you out. And I would gladly to it to help but she would never ever say thank you. One day I was totally fed up and told her well you have never even said thank you for anything I do, like this or that...

Her response stopped me cold, "Well, I never asked you to do any of those things!!!"

And I thought about it...no she never has asked me I volunteered...and in her mind because I volunteered she didn't have to be grateful or thankful for me doing them, because she never asked...I know it is twisted, I am grateful anytime some one helps me out, but that was my sister's way of not having to count what you did for her as "help".

So I stopped volunteering to do anything for her...if she asked me specifically, and I could do it, I would help out...but she learned she had to at least say thank you.

But in the long run...my sister's drama has ended up all over the family and has even gotten the law involved. For the safety of our family my husband and I in agreement no longer have anything to do with her. Because it was my sister my husband let me stay involved a lot longer than he would have if it had been anyone else. Now that we are removed from it...my life is so much more peaceful and I have less anxiety. (I wonder if some of your own health problems are due to this family drama.)

I agree with refer things to your husband, unless it is your MIL asking you specifically to do something for her. Then take it on a case by case basis...your MIL is very very blessed to have you!!!

Gerri:

I am sooo sorry!!

It's possible that your sister in law is finally coming to the realization that her mother is really sick and might be dying sometime soon. You were the easy target. Doesn't make what she did right, either.

Tell your children that sometimes, when people finally grasp something that will alter their lives - like death - they get angry and lash out at people. It is NOT right. But it happens. Tell them they don't need to attack anyone, as that won't make it right or better. You are going to be stepping away from this person until things "cool off" - and it might take a long time to "cool off".

Please don't drag your kids into this mess. When you and your husband are discussing this? Make sure you guys are alone. Kids don't need to hear the family dirty laundry.

I applaud your decision to walk away. Let your husband deal with it. If they call you for help? Have them call their brother. Tell them to have a nice day and hang up. You can also choose to let it go to voice mail.

I know this is hard. When you have a good heart and willing to help out - you get stepped on a lot. Good for you for standing up for yourself!!

You need the book, Boundaries. A Christian book.
You could look for the book, CoDependant No More.
Both can be found at the library.

You handle your kids by getting a handle on yourself. You teach them to let others own their own problems.

Will they get as good of care if you did everything? No. That's ok. That's their choice. If they now realize that they were depending on you for a lot and now have to find ways to do otherwise, that's ok, too.

I'd bet money you are a care taker by nature. If you could you would do it till you were completely depleted of health yourself. Then your kids will be depleting their life in order to take care of you. And every generation afterward. You also like being the go to girl. It's part of where you get your self esteem from. Stop this cycle. Back away from the Bat Phone! For everyone's sake!

It looks like your H needs to have a family meeting with his family. I know that's what you thought happened with your sil the other day but there are many more issues to be worked out. There needs to be a short term plan and a long term plan in place. Facts are, your mil is going to need more help in the future, not less. Look into home health coming by. Meals on Wheels. Look for her brother, too. Find an Elder Care planner and figure out what needs to happen for him, long term. When his mom dies, who owns the house? Where will sis live? Do you know where the will is or who is the executor? What about a medical and legal power of attorney for his mom and his uncle?

His sister is about to make all of these decisions 100 times harder than they need to be. BPDFamily.com might can help your H with understanding his sis. Even if the symptoms don't fit, there are great lessons on boundaries and communication techniques that will help him handle her.

Run, don't walk, to your library and check out these books. They are going to be your life line to sanity.

Tell your kids the truth, for a number of years you had been the primary person to care for MIL in terms of her medical concerns. Your SIL has now decided to take point, and you will let her. You don't love or care for MIL any less, its just that too many cooks can spoil a meal.

You can also say that sometimes when people are angry with themselves, or feel inadequate with what they have/ haven't done or are unable to do, they lash out at others. If they are young, I wouldn't address SIL's miserable attitude unless specifically asked.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I would step back, but not out. These were the words of your SIL, not the words of your MIL.

It's possible that your SIL is now seeing the truth in her mom's condition, and it struck her harder then she is letting on......by striking out at those closest to her, and I don't necessarily mean those closest to her personally, just those in the closes proximity to her.

Ask your MIL what SHE wants, she is the ones in this situation. It should be her decision on what she wants, and no matter what that is let her know you are always a phone call away.

As for your kids, of course they are upset that their mom got hurt, but this is not their battle. Remind them of the times they have asked you to stay out of something, and ask that they respect your request now. When faced with illness, long term illness at that, families can get over stressed, and it can come out in all the wrong ways.

I'm sorry you had to go through this. I'm not sure how you keep it away from our children, maybe just discuss it when they are in bed?

Sounds like your SIL needs a lot of empathy. Miserable people tend to like everyone around them to be miserable.

I saw in bio that one of your daughters is fifteen? That is definitely old enough to know what's going on and she probably can even be entrusted with giving her own opinion. That said, if we are having discussions my almost twenty three year old can get unnerved if they become loud at all and the dog dives under the couch. We have actually been able to put those discussions on hold until no one is in earshot. Well, the dog is iffy, but we always try to show and always tried when my other son was home that we are a united front. But yes no two human beings on this earth think the same anyway.
Now, the sister in law? I think sometimes nothing said at all for awhile (silence is golden) is the best approach. and you called it. She is miserable, jealous. Like my mom said. Ignore her.
I have a hunch some of these horrible problems have caused so much stress you are becoming physically ill. If you can now is time for you. Assignment: an immediate bubble bath!
HUG

It sounds to me as if your sister in law is only just now realizing how serious the situation is with her mother, and she's scared about losing her. I would also bet that she's jealous of your relationship with her mother. And maybe she feels guilty that you've been the one taking care of her sick and ailing mother when she hasn't been, something that she's now realizing that not only did she not figure out sooner but was her responsibility. There's a lot going on there. So she lashed out and it got really ugly.

I don't think it would be terrible if you explained things gently and age-appropriately to your children. Just let them know that their grandma has been sick and their auntie is worried so she's not being quite as nice as she should or watching her words as much as she should be. If your children are adults, then be straightforward without dragging them into the drama.

EDIT: I realize that my response reads as if I'm excusing your SIL's behavior, but please understand that I'm not. I'm just trying to help you understand it in a "been there, done that" way. Sometimes it really does take a major scare for some people to realize what's been happening and what their role ought to really be. It doesn't EXCUSE their behavior, but it can EXPLAIN their behavior.

Having your SIL take over some duties will give you time to address your own health too... which is a blessing for you. You could have a potentially progressive, degenerative disorder of your own that you really have to take care of from the sound of it. Caregiving for others for so long exacerbates our own health issues, especially if it means we put off or ignore our own care.

Please give the family stuff some time to cool off. Give the rest of the family time to get used to the "new normal" which has been normal to you and your husband for a while now. Give them a chance to see what you've both been going through. I have a feeling both sides will come together with forgiveness.

Sounds like SIL is lining up to become the martyr....