Problem with MIL Part 2 - Long Beach,CA

LOL! I was actually concerned about your gramatical errors. Questioned whether you were drunk. Glad to hear that it was just due to the fact that you are not familiar with your new cell phone.

Anyway, I was actually going to respond to your initial post but didn't have a lot of time to do so, so I just let it pass. What I was going to tell you is that I completely understand what you are going through since I've been there myself with a couple of other different relationships. What I wanted to tell you -- and I'll try to make this as short and sweet as possible -- is that, at the ripe old age of 42, I've discovered two truths that apply to your situation:

#1: It is impossible to have a logical conversation with an illogical person. It just won't happen and, even if it appears to happen, it just won't stick. Lower your expectations with your MIL and you'll be better off for it. Trust me.

#2: Never pick a fight with a dog that is meaner than you are. I wish someone let me in on this pearl of knowledge when I was in my 20's. When someone is fair, honest and processes information in a sane rational way, then you can stand up for yourself and speak your truth. But, there are some people out there that are vindictive and have no scruples. These are people that you do not want to be at war with unless you are willing to sink down to their level. But really, honestly, that's no way to live so please don't go down that path.

As far as your MIL is concerned, I'm a firm believer in speaking openly and honestly with people but there's a select subset of the human race that can't handle the truth. But your MIL has already proved herself to be a liar already and if she'll lie about one relative, she'll lie about you. She's also not very respectful about boundaries which means that she doesn't mind conflict or making other people uncomfortable. Basically she is a drama queen and it is up to you not to feed the drama queen the fuel that she needs (conflict and attention) so that she can move on to greener pastures.

In order to not be too reactive to your MIL's borish behavior, you need to find the humor in the situation. What has helped me over and over again when dealing with difficult people is to imagine that they are comic book characters who act in predictable ways (being a jerk over and over again) and, "look, here they are doing it again!" The more that you can disassociate yourself from your MIL's drama making, the better off you will be for it.

As for your present situation, you will have much more peace if you accept her for who she is, smile and keep her at arms length with an iron fist in a velvet glove approach. Acceptance and realization are very important here. She is who she is and it's not going to change just because you confronted her once or twice. Your husband probably realizes this and that is the reason my he is staying out of this conflict. But, with your MIL threatening to come out and stay with you as your uninvited guest, he can no longer stay neutral. He needs to step up now and tell his mom whatever truth or half truth is necessary to keep her from visiting.

But, to sum it all up, just accept your MIL for who she is and try your best not to get entangled in all of her drama making. Do your best to not making her problems (lying, bossiness, lack of respect) become your problem and still maintain the peace at the same time. If this means that you have to be passive-agressive with her, so be it.

Wishing you all the best.

L.

Hold your ground on things you want. It's your home and your kids and you only have one chance to raise them. A lady told me this on mamasource and its so true. Its important you put all your time into YOUR family. Set rules and stick to them. If she asks or says things you don't like give her one answer and keep repeating it over and over. I don't know if your a Christian if you are and she starts to gossip or say bad things tell her you want to pray about it and stop everything right at that time and start praying out loud for God to help the people or what ever is being said pray for God's peace and help in these things she is gossiping about. I know this stopped a lady that was doing this to me. She doesn't try to gossip with me anymore. I have to go now. I hope things get better for you.
Susie

EM - Does that mean you are going out of town with the kiddos during her visit to your house? If that is what you mean, then that is brilliant! Stay away from her! My father-in-law is just like her! My husband stayed out of all the conflict too. He would tell me he didn't know who to believe and that he wanted no part of it since we were both his family. Well, I got smart. I needed proof of all the nasty lies and words my FIL was exchanging with me. I sent him an e-mail calmly explaining my thoughts and the letters he wrote back were so nasty. When my husband saw that, he immediately sided with me and has really limited time with his dad.

If she is going to be so rude as to tell you she will be staying at your house, then you don't need to be there to entertain her. DO NOT let her have one bit of control over you or she will walk all over you for the rest of her life. She will continue to be abusive and demanding. Kill her with kindness when you are around her, but avoid her as much as possible too. I'm always magically busy when my FIL wants to visit.

I was the one who wrote you and told you to protect yourself from this woman. I still feel the same. If she invites herself by all means make other plans and get the h*ll out of there. That seems like an excellent idea. Just remember that forgiveness is not the same as trust. If you take care of yourself (like leaving when she comes) so that she can't hurt you, you will find it much easier to forgive her. Anger as a feeling has a lot to do with protection. If you don't feel safe then you would be unwise to let go of your anger. My father in law was a bully and the less I saw him the nicer I could be concerning him.

Hi E M I went to the so what happened next, and I didn't see more info about your situation, but i read the advice that Laurie gave you, and I think she gave you good advice. She menioned your MIL needing conflict and attenion, and if she is in need of attention, and she feels she can only get it through confrotion, then he will use that. If your MIL comes to you with any more gosip about family members or other people, like Laurie said she is who she is, and you don't have to respond to her. I know I had mentioned I went through something like this and I didn't handle the way I should have, which made things worse, but now when i hear things about someone else, I consider the source it's coming from, and I just say everyone has problems and issues, and if it is about me, I set the record straight but in a non conflict way. Love your MIL for who she is, hate the sin not the sinner, and try nd make time for her to come see her grandchildren, and follow what Laurie said. keep us posted. J. L.

Wow, okay, I just read your post-post. What scares me about this person is that one day she will tell lies to your children about you. She is obviously deeply disturbed and probably has huge, distorted guilt-issues around abandoning her children.

Poor you. Well, you will never have a dull life. Proud of you for making the weekend escape plan. Have fun!