Mil & Dil

Updated on October 21, 2013
D.W. asks from Sacramento, CA
16 answers

Why is it that these relationships aee so tense? Why are there never stories of sil & fil issues?

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answers from Huntington on

I have heard plenty of both MIL and FIL stories.
The relationship between a MIL and DIL does not have to be tense. I get along very well with my MIL. Well, more than that. I love her. I feel that she loves me the same as her kids, at least she treats me as if she does. I do nice things for her, just because, and she does the same. This is because she respects me. She does not gossip about me, ignore me, ignore my wishes, talk down to me, act like I am silly or just plain crazy.
What you get out if a relationship is most often what you put into it.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Men are not as verbal, and often not as social. They don't give birth to the baby so they don't have the "you're stealing my baby" thing.

I have a great relationship with my MIL. My mother sucks.

3 moms found this helpful

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answers from Los Angeles on

I just read your other question, and I cannot imagine what goes on in your head. Do you have no capacity for self-reflection? You make my crazy MIL look like a saint.

These relationships are only as tense as the people involved allow them to be. It appears that your son has traded one domineering and controlling woman (you) for another (his wife). I suppose you should take it as a compliment that he married a woman who is a lot like his mother. But if you are in competition with her, just know that the wife usually wins out. So learn how to be nice, keep your opinions to yourself, and try not to cross the boundaries that your son and DIL have set up.

There are plenty of SIL and FIL issues. You just don't pick up on them because you are so absorbed in your own issues. I hope you can find a way to make peace with your son and DIL. It takes a lot of time and effort, but it can be done!

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on


because you have two women who love the same man. One raised him. One fell in love with the man you raised.

The problem with your relationship? You want to control it. You want to relive your youth or your son's childhood through HIS child.

You ripped your daughter in law a new one and you expected her to take it and move on. She has. Without you. Your son cut his apron strings and that drives you absolutely insane. You don't think you did anything wrong in ripping her a new one. Now any apology you give her will be suspect. You have to SHOW her that you accept her into your family and that you will abide by HER RULES. After all, they are her kids, not yours.

You want it to be all about you. You believe that you can drop in on your son and his wife anytime you want. You can't.

You believe you can allow your grandchildren to watch movies that are not acceptable for a 6 year old. You blatantly disrespect your daughter in law on a regular basis.

I've had two mother in laws. My first mother in law was wonderful - she knew her son was NOT perfect and that he was happy with me. When her son couldn't keep his stuff in his pants? She did NOT side with him. She berated him and told him how disappointed she was in him....when we divorced? She kept in touch with me for a few years....

My mother in law now? (now deceased) We had a rough start. However, when she saw that her son was happy with ME? She changed. When she saw that I loved her son, took good (no, great care of him) and that his love was true and returned? She let any anger go over "losing her son" and realized she didn't lose anything...she had GAINED a child...

Maybe you need to realize that you are only losing your son because of YOU, YOUR WORDS, YOUR DEEDS - YOU DID THIS - and stop. Apologize. And make sure you are SERIOUS about it. Then go about earning her trust back. This means following her rules. And seeing that your son is HAPPY. And tell her that. Tell her that you are HAPPY that your son is happy WITH HER....I will tell you that ANY ounce of being fake or false will be seen and you will be shut out. And again - it will be YOU who loses, not them.

Have you considered going to therapy to learn to let go of control, anger, grudges or anything like that? If not. Maybe you should. And you'll find that you can have a WONDERFUL relationship with your daughter in law and son...and maybe even your grandchildren.

Good luck!

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

Get over this, D.. You just want to hear about other problems because you don't want to face your own deficits on being a MIL who doesn't treat your DIL right. You need to own your problem. If you can't do it without help, GET help. Go to counseling.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

If it helps any, my MIL and FIL hated me from almost day one. I was very frugal and they were on welfare and could buy almost anything they wanted if food stamps would do it. I had to pay my own way.

They were impulse shoppers and I planned what my menu's were. If I saw something on sale, I would change my menu's to fit what was on sale. I wasn't frugal to them, I was "cheap".

I did everything I knew to do to change their minds. When they needed to borrow money, I was the one that always had money saved. So they would call my wife to see if we could loan them money. They never changed their bad habits and I did all kinds of things to earn their love. My MIL finally stopped hating me and began to love me after my wife and I had been married 15 years.

My FIL was still cussing me on his death bed. I brought (drove) my wife and kids 2000 miles to see him as he was dying. My 3 brothers in law, my wife and her two sisters were there, and I was the one he had nasty words for. The nicest thing that happened was that after he had breathed his last breath, my BIL each came to me and apologized for their father's words and actions toward me.

Now I'm my MIL's favorite SIL, and I love it. My FIL is probably rolling in his grave every time my MIL is nice to me. In California we get a lot of little earthquakes. But they have to be at least 3.0 for you to feel them. I'm sure some of the lesser earthquakes that are imperceptible are my FIL rolling over in his grave. ;~)

Good luck to you and yours.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from New London on

They aren't always. I get along amazing with my mother in law. You know how most daughter in laws would rather live as far as possible from mother in laws or vice versa? Well mine couldn't live close enough! Same goes for all of my in laws. I truly think I hit the jackpot with them.

As for the argument that there are never fil and sil issues with people...yea thats not true. At all. There are plenty examples out there.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Fargo on

Usually the conflict comes when the MIL (in my case the FIL as well) doesn't understand, or want to accept, that their role is different after the son chooses to marry. When the parents can't accept that role change, they try to keep control in any way possible, resulting in major conflict.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

I have a great relationship with my mil and actually would not know what to do without her.
We have had some issues but we work through them. And yes there are moments that she drives me crazy but again we let it go and usually laugh about it later.
As for the sil and fil issues yes they are out there. My father did not like my husband when we first started dating and then 9 months into the relationship I was pregnant so in the last 13 years my husband has had to do some sucking up but I can say they do have a good relationship especially the last 6 years.
Now when it comes to my mother.....she hates him and they do not get along so there is a sil and mil issue there.
Everything is what you make it and from what others have said you do not help the situation.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Rochester on

My mom and dad both have issues with my sister-in-law. I do too. But we all have a good relationship because we have agreed to disagree on a lot of issues, we have accepted her for who she is, we have accepted that she is the woman by brother loves and we will support him, we support her in the parenting and career decisions that she makes. She is now a part of our family and we have accepted her. She isn't seen as an intruder.

I have huge issues with my MIL because she never accepted me. She saw me as someone who was trying to "take her son away." And yes, she put it in writing that my husband was not smart for choosing me. Despite the fact that I had tried really hard to get beyond the problems we had at first. She still 10 years later does petty little things that "try to put me in my place." That is the difference.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

I know a FIL and SIL who don't like each other at all, but I guess they just accept it and don't feel the need to complain or try to "fix" things (like women usually do.)

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Houston on

I'm not a mil yet. I have one child, a son. He and I are extremely close. I pray that I will be close to my dil in the future.

I disagree. It's not always the mil who has the issue. A dil can be jealous of the closeness of a mother and her son.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Because some mothers have odd relationships with their sons so they feel they are being replaced by the daughter in law so they react badly. This tends to only happen with only sons but sometimes with a favorite son. Generally the mother in law has the issues and the daughter in law is just reacting to the drama.


1 mom found this helpful


answers from Houston on

They're out are just not as verbal.

I'm sure if there was a Daddypedia site, we would hear more SIL and FIL stories.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Sacramento on

The tension comes when the MIL tries to exert her wishes over what the DIL wants. He chose the DIL as his life partner. She won, you step back.

I love my MIL. It wasn't always that way. It took us moving 4 hours away for her to finally back off and stop trying to manipulate my husband. At that point, visits were planned ahead of time which made a big difference. Everyone was better behaved.

FIL and SIL issues seem to resolve easier because men seem more accepting of differences or they just keep their distance. Men are quicker to "agree to disagree".

I am sorry that you are having a difficult time with your DIL.



answers from St. Louis on

My father in law just doesn't speak to me. No conflict there if nothing is ever said. To be fair he doesn't speak much to anyone, so he could love me for all I know

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