Preschooler Won't Go to Sleep at Night

Hi, S., Simple solution----close his door, and put a kid knob on it if necessary. He can sleep in his bed or on the floor. He'll eventually stay in bed. All the attention he's getting is his payoff, even if it's negative. STOP! It really is that simple. After a few nights of crying, he'll get it. This is a contest, and you're letting him win, not a good precedent to be setting at such a young age. There are a million challenges ahead of you, this is a simple lesson for him to learn, and a HUGE problem down the road if you let him win. Good luck!

He has a lot of competition with 2 younger siblings. I would try spending some time in his room. Play with him, read to him. Lay on his bed and tell him how comfortable it is, "wish I could sleep in a room like this". Let him know how much you like it. Have his siblings in there to enjoy his room also.

One thing you should know about raising children, don't scream and yell and them. Talk firmly, matter-of-factly, and if that doesn't work, it's time for a punishment. Yelling only makes matters worse and they will end up yelling back at you.

I would punish him for not going to bed and staying there. But if he gets up in the night and falls asleep on the floor somewhere, I would just ignore it.

I have 3 children, youngest 17, been through it all.

The method you said you tried, the one where you continuously put him back in bed DOES work, but it has to be done nonstop until the behavior stops. It doesn't fix the problem over night. The first time I used this method, it was for my son's naptime. He was getting up and playing instead of sleeping. I laid on the floor and watched under the door for him to get out of bed. Everytime he did that, I would go in, pick him up, and put him back in bed. That first day, I literally did it around 20 times. The next day I did it a ton too, maybe even as many as the first day. Anyway, after a few days, he finally gave in because he realized every single time he tried to get out, I wasn't going to let him. It does work, you just have to not give in until the behavior is totally corrected. If you only give it one day, or even two or three, then you're not following through. You do it til he stops. If you're not waking up when he comes into your room, shut your door or something else that will wake you up and then start in on the first night. It's not fun, it totally sucks, but kids have to be broken of their bad habits in order to establish healthy ones. As far as paying attention, like other mothers have said, to his being scared of his room...I wouldn't. Both of my children tried this one, kids will try anything to get their way, even make up stories of being scared. If he's genuinely scared, then you will be able to tell, but most of the time kids who say that are just trying to get their way. When my kids said that I said "now, you know that there's nothing to be scared of. God makes it dark at night so that we can get a good night's sleep. It doesn't make things scary, it gives things a chance to rest. Now go to sleep." If they said "BUT..." than I stopped them and said "no more talking about it, it's time to go to sleep." Kids will only try to get away with what they're allowed to get away with.

I feel for you with 3 small children! I could sense your stress over this while reading your post. Not only does yelling and spanking not help, but it can be emotionally scarring, create negative behavior patterns, and role models yelling and violence to your child. It sounds like he has unmet needs and is really scared to sleep alone. I would encourage you to read Attachment Parenting by William Sears. Co-sleeping may be a good solution, if you have the space to put his bed in your room. He may need more attention during the day, and it is normal for small children to want to be close to parents at night. You can't "make" a child sleep, and your husband's expectations of you being able to do this are unrealistic. He needs to be proactive in problem-solving in a kind, understanding, nonjudgmental sort of way. There is no "one right way" for families to live. Everyone needs a good night's sleep and to feel safe and loved. Good luck!

I agree with a night light and checking for monsters. You might also want to check into a tent that fits over his bed to help him feel enclosed like he was in the crib and make it fun like he gets to go camping every night.

I had to respond because I can't believe that there are actually people out there that think that children need to "be broken of their bad habits". Just because we as the adults think that the fear is irrational doesn't mean that it is to the children. And, by ignoring it or worse, locking them in their room, we are just making the problem worse and telling our children that we don't care about their feelings and fears. And, then we punish them for opening up to us and having fears. I know that I'm on a soapbox, but I just couldn't believe what I was reading.
I understand that you want your son to sleep in his own room, but try to see things from his side. Do you think that he is really scared? Who knows, but it doesn't matter. If he's not waking you up, why does your husband want it to stop, other than to control things? Your son was nice & comfortable with his sister, then taken to a room all by himself. Then, a baby came. Maybe adding to any anxieties that he may have. It would seem to me that simple time, patience, and taking his fears seriously would help your son deal with whatever he may be going through. And, yelling and spanking could only make matters worse.
Did your son help design his new room? If he's been in there for 2 years, does it need to be redone? I assume that the youngest 2 are in the same room together? I know that it would be crowded, but can he go back to the room with them? And then make his room a playroom? Since he doesn't seem to mind sleeping on the floor, let him sleep with the youngest on the floor. Just some ideas.
But, please just take him seriously and let him know that you are there for him regardless of how silly you may think that his fears are.

Hi S..

He's by himself.
The other two are together. Ok. Let's take a moment and put ourselves within this situation.

You're with your husband.
He's all alone.
Kinda scary.
Not the room he's use too.
He's the oldest, yet still young.

So precious to come quietly in your room with pillow and blanket. Bless his little heart. I love it.
Going where he feels safe. You are precious not to make him leave.
He's not being defiant, just feeling safe.

Let the three of them stay in the room together for a while. Hopefully there's room.
Put all his toys, his clothes in the closet and his dresser in the "big boy" room.
Put the other dressers in there too if you need space in the room with the 3 of them.

He seems very considerate at such a young age.
Put him in charge of the other two. Teaching him to be gentle and kind to his younger siblings.
Helping them to bed and getting you if the 6 mo. needs attention (although, he'll probably be fast asleep)

Let him know that sense he's the oldest he gets to have a special room.

Let him help you decorate it.
Join him while he plays in there sometimes; reassuring him that some day soon he'll get to sleep in there .

Let the siblings play in there and tell them, where he can hear it, --This is big brother's room. You'll get your own too someday when you get older.

Ask daddy to be patient just a little longer. And [en]courage him too.
And oh boy, if daddy plays in there with him...what a treat!
He and daddy can camp out in there during their "father and son" time together.
You probably do this, but thought I'd mention it, nightlight and keeping the door open is a good thing.
Things will change.

Oh, I hope some of this will help you.
Kim~

ps being a mom of 4 --two yrs apart, I totally understand this
. All mine are in the same college now.
Guess what -- the girls roomed together for a year and a half (my oldest daughter got married but has one more semester)Both commuted the first 2 years.

My boys will room together now! freshman and sophomore and so looking forward to being roommates. Isn't that funny!

When my oldest got married that gave us an extra room. My second oldest (daughter) took
her room which allowed the boys (at that time 16 & 18) to have their own rooms. It took forever for my oldest son to move out and into that vacant room.
When at home they love having their own rooms, now. Allows them to freely release their own personalities in decorating and sleeping....but yet, both are excited about rooming together at college....go figure :-)

I had the same problem and actually my husband and I decided if he wasn't waking us up or bothering us, Let him sleep in your room on the floor. I have a son that just turned 6 and he has stopped doing this on his own when he turned 5. I'm thinking if you make this a non-issue, he'll realize that kids his age need to sleep in their own room and he'll want to. Plus you said he's 4 and a half so I would wait till his birthday and see where he is with this. We just thought that he would just eventually do it on his own---and HE DID.
They're not little for long. He'll outgrow this.

Hi, i'm a mother of four ages 9,8,6 and 1. I remember going through this with my 6 year old son. He did sleep in our room quite a bit. He now sleeps in his own room, through the night with no problems. I know your husband doesn't like it, but these "phases", usually pass before you know it. Really it's hard for me to recall how we finally conquered this problem. My only other suggestion is allowing cuddle time before bed. My son still likes to do this even if it's only for a couple of minutes. Good luck!

Hello S.! Obviously yelling at your son hasn't worked as of yet, so continuing to do it would be a fruitless effort. I don't think spanking at him would work either. If he is truly afraid, then he will equate a spanking with his being afraid rather than his having done something wrong. Have you asked him why he is afraid to sleep in his room? He may have a legetimate reason, at least in his mind it's legit, for being afraid. Little ones his age can get things that they heard or see twisted around in their minds. If he is truly afraid you could try using a nightlight so that he can see in his room at night. What about a stuffed animal or a action figure that he could sleep with that would provide him a sense of security. I'm thinking of a child I know who was afraid to sleep in his room. He was given a lion to "protect" him from monsters. Of course this sounds silly to we adults, but to a 4 year old child it made perfect sense. He eventually grew out of his fear of monsters in the closet, and no longer needed the lion to protect him. That's something you can try. If your husband insists that your child has to stop coming into your room even if he doesn't wake you, then could you lock the door? Since your little one started this after the birth of your little girl and his moving into another room, it sounds like he is doing this because he doesn't feel secure for whatever reason. Here again maybe he would feel more secure if he slept with a favorite toy or something, which he will outgrow at some point. It doesn't sound like rewarding him for sleeping in his bed works. It also sounds like your spending time with him before he goes to sleep doesn't work either. I think I'd try to find out if he is truly afraid, and if so then the reason why. The solution to your problem may be in the reason that he gives you for his fear. Work on a solution to conquering his fear, then hopefully he will feel secure enough to sleep in his own room. and remember, just because you and your husband call his room a "big boy" room , he isn't a "big boy". He's 4 year old little child. You have to treat him accordingly. I hope that makes sense. Well that's all I have. I hope I've been some help to you. Best wishes.

i certainly feel your pain! my 3.5 year old daughter practically does the same thing. our pediatrician suggested turning the lock on her room inside out, but honestly i can't bring myself to do it. but when things get too crazy, we've actually stood outside her door and pretended to lock the door. she doesn't realize we're holding the door in the hallway, and it usually gets her to behave and listen AND get back in her bed. we've told her that she can't come out of her room, but some nights nothing works. she'll also come into our room in the middle of the night and we're just too tired to bring her back to her own room, so she ends up sleeping w/ us. my next thought is to put a small tv w/ dvd player in her room to let her watch a movie while she falls asleep. we've tried the book called the floppy sleep game (?). it comes w/ a cd, but i wasn't patient enough to keep it up. we're currently trying the sticker chart and her reward is going to the disney store. it worked for the 1st 5 nights... keep us all posted on how things work out, b/c i'd love to know if you have another technique that i haven't used!!

HI there- I think it's just his age and a phase. I have a 4 1/2 year old girl who won't go to sleep without me in her room sometimes too. It's always been an issue with her to go to sleep on her own. I'm not pushing it either. When her big sister (21) watches her, she goes to sleep no problem. When Daddy puts her to bed if I'm at work it's no problem either. So, I just think she knows she can "work" me. But, she gets scared of her room too, so one night I asked her what was so scary and she pointed out the things that were scaring her, and we got them out of her room. Now, all it takes is me leaving a table light on for her. It's more light than a night light, but still low enough to let her fall asleep. She might still wake up during the night and call for me. I go check on her, tell her I need to "go potty" and I'll be right back. And she goes right back to sleep.

When I was a child I had very vivid dreams that would terrify me. I still have very vivid dreams, but now I know they are not real.. Kids don't get that yet, so maybe that's what's happening with him too.

The other thing we did for her, was to rearrange her furniture. She feels like such a big girl now, and I must admit the room looks cute too!'

I wish you luck and pleasant dreams!

You said that he's says he's afraid of his room. Give him a flashlight to lay next to him or a night light. Do they still have those lights that make a scene on the ceiling? I've been out of the "little kid" loop for awhile now. But I always thought those were cool for a dark bedroom. Put some music on for him, a CD of Disney Songs, not necessarily lullabyes all sorts. :)

Good Luck

we went through this too when switching from the crib to toddler bed. Once a month my daughter wakes up and wants to sleep with us... I can handle that... but like your husband, My husband has issues with this. Can you rearrange things in his room, purchase a soft lamp.... ask him what he is afraid of? Purchase a special " monster be gone" room protection... We use frebreeze air freshener and spray it in her room every night. How about a monitor, let him know you can hear him and you will be right there if he needs you. Maybe because he is the oldest, he is not quite ready for the big boy experience and needs some more babying at bedtime.

Good Luck

Try some soothing music, or even a favorite stuffed toy. Make his room so important that he will even enjoy playing there for quiet time. Talk to him about his likes and dislikes of his room. Maybe you could give him a choice of how to redecorate his room. Let him pick out new bedding, or wall decorations etc. Let him know how big boys, sleep in there beds in there room. Mommy and daddy have there room and need there own space. One of my friends had a daughter sleep in a sleeping bag and throughout the night it would be moved until she was in her own room. Promise something fun for the next day.

He is probably very jealous if he has a sister to compete with for attention. He used to get more attention with just him. Show him how it is okay --see his sister sleeping, or show him how it is rewarding to have another sibling to play and do fun things with.

Good Luck,
J. R

i was wondering if you have asked him what about his room scares him? if it's something small that can be removed i would just remove it & see how it goes. there are a number of different things to try, wearing a t shirt & putting it on a big stuffed animal so it smells like you & give it to him to sleep with so it comforts him, giving him a little flashlight to chase off monsters, giving him a small spray bottle of scare repelant(water) to spray at things that could be scary when the lights are off. also does he have a good bright nightlight or one that is dim? i let my son pick out the color of him nightlight, i told him different colors help him have different dreams (he has green, for dreams of playing outside, fishing, playing with animals ect.). have you tried going to the american aoosociation of pediatrics websites? they have alot of useful links that i find helpful on many issues.

IMHO, you should "put your foot down" to your hubby and tell him that all kids go through stages and your son will grow out of it eventually. Maybe he could sleep right outside your door. I'm sure you have gotten plenty of sleeping advice, so I won't comment on that part right now.

If he was more comfortable in the nursery and slept in there fine until the new little one came along, why not put him back in there. Swap out the rooms to see if he would sleep in his original room. I know that might be a lot of moving furniture around, but you might see a difference. He might just want the familiarity of his room back.

I do agree with your husband as far as it has to come to a stop now or it will lead to a hard habit to break as the youngster gets older. Although, yelling and spanking isn't going to make a problem go away, it will just create more problems.

Best of luck to you.

S., mother of 2 (15 and 10 years old)

Did you ask him exactly what he is afraid of? Maybe it is something you can remove or change. Does he have a blanket or a stuffed animal he uses for comfort? I agree with using a night light and music to distract as well. When I was young, my mom would use different colored lights (like the big, old-fashioned bulbs you use at christmas) to give our room a blue or green glow. It was fun for us.

I haven't gone through it, but I do know that there's a "No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers" out there. Check your library, maybe it has some helpful tips you haven't thought of? Good Luck! :)