Pregnant with My 3Rd Child and My Husband Was Fixed 7 Yrs Ago SO UPSET...
June 06, 2010
Ok here it goes! We have 2 wonderful kids 11 and 7 yrs old. Recently found out that im pregnant again. Did I mention my husband was fixed 7 yrs ago!!! Im devastated. Truly devastated. We were done having kids. Im almost 40! I feel so horrible for not having an ounce of joy over this. How can I feel better about this.....
OH MY GUYS! Im overwhemled with all the responses. Thanks you all for your kindness and sharing your own stories. To answer a few of your questions the only option for us is to have this baby in our lives. We have told the kids and they are SUPER excited. My daughter is picking out names already(only girls though lol). My husband has an appointment the end of June with the doc. He did go back twice to get tested once at 6wks then the next at 4 months. When he did he was told he had 100% no active sperm. It is a blessing that me cheating didnt even cross his mind. Although I find it strange that a few of my "friends" asked me. I will for sure take all of you guys advice. I know time will tell. Im just so not ready! Thats why i came here for some pep talk! Everyone here is so super nice and I THANK YOU from my heart!
Oh you are not alone! I know someone else who had a post vasectomy baby, she was so mad too! But he is a joy!
We had an "accident" and I cannot imagine my life without her, but it was hard to get used to the idea an I felt a little guilty for feeling ticked.
We tell her now that she was a child of love, and her sisters were only planned...
It will get better, I remember when I found out I was pregnant with my last (#8) I was so MAD! And that is putting it nicely, but as time progresses and it got closer and closer I started to feel a little joy about it. It wasn't until I held her though that all of the anger went away...who can not smile and love a newborn?
I can't imagine what you're going through. My husband had a vasectomy five years ago and I too would initially be devastated, but I think right now you do what you have to do and then the joy will come later - I believe everything happens for a reason so try to see the positive things and just go with it.
Oh my!! Congratulations! Well, this is happening to you for a reason, and right now you sure don't know what that reason is, but there is definatly a good reason! Just remember: We don't always know what God's plans are, but they are always timed just right, even if we don't think so! Be positive, I know it's got to be hard, but it's all in your attitude now. Is the glass half empty or half full?
To look on the bright side...you have two built in helpers already!! :) And they sure do have lots of really cute baby items in the stores now!! Hey, the more kids you have, the more grandkids you'll have too!! :)
If it makes you feel better, my husband is 56 (waaay past 40!!) and we have a 4 month old, AND we are not done having kids yet. 40 is young nowdays, so you are not even close to being old yet!!
For some reason you are suppose to have this child... I'm not sure why, but time might help you to find out why.
I have heard that male fixing - if just snipped can fix it's self. So, he might want to get it check & possibly have it done again, or maybe it's time for you to have it done after the baby arrives.
I'm currently expecting #5, I'm 33 and my oldest will be 16 this fall... I just had to have the I'm not ready to be a grandma speach with here about a year ago & here I am expecting one of my own. All is good though - the baby was created out of love w/ my hubby of almost 16 yrs.
Give the news a little time to sink in... I'm sure it is a huge suprise, which might be part of the reason you are so devastated.
I wish you luck, but most of all congratz on the gift!
You just need to realize that this child is MEANT to BE. It's amazing and wonderful and a miracle. To think that this child was so necessary and so loved that God overcame your surgical efforts not to have another child. There is a plan for this child and you should feel HONORED to be this child's mother. But seriously, none of us can really tell you how to feel. I wish you were happy because I'd give my eye teeth for an "accidental" pregnancy.
Can't fight the will of God : ) Hugs to you. My 4 year old said to me:
"Mommy before me and Emmy were born we played by a log by a creek that was far far away. Then we chose you and daddy to take care of us."
There is a bigger picture that we can't see. Hubby being fixed didn't phase the "Big Guy" upstairs in the least. If child is supposed to be here and they pick you as their parents, then not much you can do. It will all fall into place and you won't be able to picture him/her not there.
Many continued blessing to you and your family : )
Don't feel horrible or guilty about not being happy or excited. This is quite a shock. When I became pregnant, I was angry. It even took me a couple of months after my child was born to fully come around; although I loved my child from the get-go.
Some people like to write lists. Pros and Cons. This might help with perspective.
Talk to a trusted family member or friend about it and feel out all of your emotions. Think about your options and discuss them openly. You know what the repsonsibilities and work are of a child. You already know the pains and joys and I presume you know that each expierience is different.
Talk to your doctor, maybe even two. Having a child near 40 isn't the scary thing it was once thought to be. While there are risks that you may wish to be aware of; you also will want to get an honest view of what they are. Don't let the hype get to you.
Most of all, know that you are not alone. You took precautions, did everyting "right" and yet it still happend. Life is unpredictable that way. You have some choices to make; your attitude the most important...do you want to make this a positive, or do you want to let the negative aspect rule you.
I wish you well on your journey, no matter what you choose to do. Take care.
I have to say I was in your shoes a few years ago. I got pregnant at the most horrible time of my life, I was literally wanting to die. It couldn't have been worse timing and I didn't understand why God was giving me a child to care for at this point and time in my life.
I consdiered everything from abortion to adoption which is shocking for me, I have always been pro-life but that's how bad things were in my life.
What I want you to know is that even though you don't feel it yet or may not bond with this baby one bit during pregnancy YOU WILL when that baby is born and if you love your two other children, then you WILL love this child too. God has given you this child for a reason and you may not see it now, but the baby is a blessing. Walking into the hospital the day of my delivery for my 3rd, I didn't feel an ounce of excitement, sounds horrible I know but it's true, I was angry and depressed but I instantly bonded with him and I mean instantly and he has been my mamas boy ever since. It's funny because I learned when pregnant with my 3rd, there was so many other women out there who said they're 3rd was they're surprise baby too. I think most women feel complete with 2 and crowded with 3 but you will be fine and don't worry about your age, you're still very young and have plenty of years left to give this child. The time span between your children is not bad either, my sister recently became pregnant with her 2nd and her first child is already 9.
If you and your husband both feel strongly about NOT keeping the baby, please consider adoption over abortion. You may get tons of support on here and still not feel any better, but please do hang in there and even though you don't see it yet, God has blessed you and your husband once more.
Good luck and take care, feel free to message me if you ever need to talk.
Oh my -what a nightmare! I'm so sorry. I've heard of that happening with vasectomies just a few times -it's very rare! For some reason some men are almost impossible to "fix." It's a REALLY personal decision, and if you decide to terminate the pregnancy, you certainly wouldn't be the first woman around 40 to do so! I used to escort at clinics,and a lot of the women we saw were in your shoes.
If you decide to keep the baby, start surrounding yourself with baby things and looking at babies -look in stores and remember all the wonderful things about having your first two. If there are some things you can think of that you wish you could have or would have done with the first two when they were babies or toddlers (or innovations and inventions you wish you could have had), then psyche yourself up to get that opportunity! Since you're not even 40 yet, you're certainly not going to be an "old" mother. Many of us didn't have any children until after 35.
Good luck with whatever you decide and remember -this is a decision for you and your husband. Do what's BEST FOR YOU!
Well, my dear, I don't know you can feel better about this except for the fact that there must be a very determined little spirit out there that was, come hell or high water, going to find a way to be born! What a surprise and what an adjustment! The cool thing is that your other two kids will be so much older that they will really be able to enjoy this new baby in a totally different way. Have you told them yet? At 7 and 11 I would have been THRILLED to have another baby in the house. So while it might be hard for you to see the good yet, give your kids the chance to embrace the idea and you might be pleasantly surprised at how excited they are. I wish you the best and no matter what, once that baby is in your arms, you won't ever look back. :)
All things happen for a reason. I don't believe there are any mistakes and I do believe another child has been chosen for you. If you think of it this way, you should be tickled over this little gift. We get thrown curve balls all through life. This one is soooooo on the easy side of what could happen and what does happen to other people less fortunate.
I was a late baby and probably not planned...my parents would have never told me that. My mom and I had the best relationship of all the kids and even into adulthood, old age, illness and death, I think she appreciated me the most.
My Mom had me at 39 and cheerfully told everyone that I was her do-it-yourself grandbaby!
From your "So What Happened?" update: Your husband sounds like a truly good man. Though of course his response is exactly what a wife should expect, not all would be so lucky. Anyway, with two such great people doing this "surprise" together, I suspect it will work out well.
Wow! I'm sure you must in shock? I'm also sure that when you were wondering what was going on the last thing on your mind was that you could be pregnant! Especially since your husband had been fixed seven years before!
My husband had it done about 6 months ago. I guess we better be careful. I don't know how you can feel better about it. I think that is something only time can cure. I'm sure in time you will get into the whole pregancy thing again and look forward to it. You're going to love that baby sooo much.
I can only imagine how you feel. I'm 41 with a four year old and an 18 mth old. It has its challenges. I had my tubes tied. When I heard women getting pregnant after tubes being tied, I've been afraid to have sex.
Anyway, best I can figure is God went through a lot of hoopla to bring this baby about. It must be really special, importance, and have a strong purpose. He brought you here. He will bring you the rest of the way. He has me.
Good luck. Once you come to accept you're pregnant, your feelings will get better. At least you've got some kids with energy to help you out some. It will all blend and mesh just as He has planned.
You've gotten some wonderful responses, and I just wanted to add to the chorus. I had my 4th when I was 43 and my youngest was 6. I can't even begin to tell you what a blessing this child has been. It's incredible to see the love of the older children toward their little brother. And the older children help so much with him. It's a completely different experience than when my other children were born and I had three little ones to care for. Now I have help and live-in babysitters (the older kids). Knowing how quickly time flies by, I also cherish each moment with this little one and don't resent all the work as much as I did the first three times around. Don't worry about not being overjoyed now. It's never easy to have your whole life turned upside-down! Just know that you will adjust and all will settle down again. As another mom said, God must really, really want you to have this child. S/he is going to be very special to you and your family!!
Hi D.! When you ask how you can feel better about this.....I think that time is the answer. I can understand being upset. I got pregnant on my honeymoon. Instead of enjoying getting to know my hubby that first year, I was throwing up all day and all night, and had a horrible pregnancy, birth and took a Loooooong time to recover.
I was so filled with resentment when I learned that I was pregnant. Everyone around me was so excited but I was just numb. I KNEW that God had a plan, but I wanted MY plan! lol! It took time for me to really value the baby growing inside me.
Cut yourself some slack, my friend. You have had quite the shock! I will say this to encourage you.......my almost 7 year old son was an unplanned (by me) pregnancy and my friend had an unplanned pregnancy (tubes tied, age 42, cancer survivor) and her 6 year old daughter and my son are best friends and I can't imagine life without either of them.
Feel better for counting your blessings. It may not happen until the birth, sorry. Our #3 was a surprise and everyday was hard until she was born. We now have 4 and have so many blessings. i wouldn't change it for the world. Some days are tough as a mother and the pregnancy was hard. You can do this, stay strong. My hubby is fixed, also.. done 3 ways after I told him all 4 were conceived with one try. Even after watching I have remained on the pill. 4 is ENOUGH! good luck, you will love it in the long run and what great helpers you will have, I swear!
I just heard about an article that my brother read saying that if a vasectomy is going to fail, it usually fails 7 years later...weird...and really not so great for you. I'm sure you don't find this quite as interesting! Hang in there...I can't imagine how hard it would be. Maybe you can take comfort in the fact that your kids are probably going to LOVE the idea of a baby. I was 5 years younger than my brother and I always wished I had someone littler than me. I'm sure when you see the joy on the faces of your other two kiddos you will know that they needed to have that third sibling. I hope you find some peace!
Well my husband had one a little over 3 years ago and I do have a high fear of getting pregnant so I to would be totally devastated also but the is obviously a reason got wants you two to have another baby in this world. Please just treasure the moment and try to move past it for your other kids cause I'm sure they can since the tension you are feeling. God bless and Good Luck
It IS quite a shock to be having another baby at almost 40...I was 39 and my kids were 19, 16 and 11 when baby #4 came along! It will be a blessing, though, that you can't even imagine at this point. You are more mature and relaxed in parenting now that you're a seasoned veteran. Your older kids will be a huge help. You'll stop and smell the roses again, and see the world one more times through the eyes of a child learing it all anew. I know it's a shock and it will change your whole life, but I hope you will come to realize that your life was missing something and this little angel is it! Good luck!
I think you will pick up on the excitement after you get over the shock. All children are blessings. Your older two kids will probably be thrilled when you tell them! And they are old enough to help you now! So many people have posted about this and say that they couldn't imagine their lives without their surprise baby blessing. Congrats and good luck.
PS> I agree about going shopping! That will probably get you a little excited. And your older two can each buy something for the baby as well!
Wow, you must be shocked! I would be very upset too if I were you! I was just watching a show on tv about a couple that had this happen to them also. It IS possible for the "snipped" tubes to re-connect over time. Just goes to show that nothing in life is 100%.
I think you will get excited over time. You need to allow yourself to adjust to this news. My best friend just found out that she is pregnant w/number 3. They also were done having kids, their youngest isn't even a year old yet. This was a big ooops!! She was very upset too. I will tell you the same thing I told her: God had other plans for you.
Give yourself all the time you need to absorb this, and I bet you will feel better about this soon. Good luck to you. And hey, your other kids are old enough that they will be a huge help with the baby!
yes, "fixing " can come undone. its not unheard of. second, check out your options, chesapeake has some very good adoption agencies. check out the ones listed under jewish family services.no, you dont have to be jewish to work with them , but the jewish adoption agencies are very, very organized.and they are typically very willing to work with you, jewish or not.that or either check out the catholic adoption agencies in chesapeake. both are in the phonebook and on line. i was less then impressed to find myself pregnant at forty, unlike you, i had been told for twenty years that i would never have children, then i found out i was pregnant at forty.. in the emergency room.then , four months later, we delivered the baby ourselves
in our apartment bathroom.two months early at four pounds, six ounces
our little surprise is currently napping in the frontroom with her daddy
and i am looking forward to all the milestones ahead that i thought i would never get to see or do.
I have dreaded all of my pregnancies. I hate being pregnant, I get so sick and I feel awful. But I have 3 beautiful wonderful children. I don't ever really appreciate how wonderful they are until they are about 2 or 3 years old. I don't have that awesome bonding experience at birth. That may sound awful to some people because women are supposed to have that "Motherly Instinct" and just love babies but I don't fit that mold. I have had these babies because my husband wanted children and I am SO glad he did. I may have never had any if it were left up to me. Now my husband wants another baby and I will be 40 in January. I am not looking forward to it...at all. But I know that in the end, I may regret not having another baby but I will NEVER regret having a baby.
I am only pointing out that you are not alone in your grief and unhappiness. It isn't abnormal, it only makes you a human being. Some people may not ever admit these feelings because of guilt or embarrassment. I am so glad you found the courage to get on here and ask for some comfort for these not so popular feelings.
I have nothing to make you feel better right now but I know that you will in time, especially when your baby looks at you and says, "Mommy." Or, gosh, even that first real heartfelt kiss they give you when they hold your face in their little hands. Or the times they want to snuggle with you. Oh...I could go on and on. That is the best and you can't have it without the pregnancy.
This may seem like such poor timing and not at all what you want but think of this...you have been married, I am guessing, at least 11 years and you still have a healthy sex life with your spouse who trusts you. That right there is a miracle in this day and age. And whether or not you are a spiritual person, I am sure you know that every child is unique and special and can never be duplicated. This little baby inside of you right now is one of a kind and will never happen again.
I know that every child is a gift from God. Think of the women who would love to be in your shoes and realize that life is full of twists and turns. How boring if you were able to plan every moment of it. There is certainly nothing boring about this!! BTW - how far along are you? Are you going to find out if it is a boy or girl or wait? It really is exciting even if it is shocking!!
I was your exact age when I was in the exact situation. Only mine was #6 and my oldest was 21. I turned 40 by the time he was born. The LAST thing I wanted was to be pregnant. He will be 15 in a few days and he is the most WONDERFUL young man ever. Any sacrifices we've had to make have been more than worth it. I am sure that you will discover the same. Congrats!
wow! that is crazy, I did not think that could happen, I mean you were being totally responsible and then....gee. Well try to think about all the absolutly wonderful things that kids say and do and how fun it will be again. now that your kids are older hopefully they will be super excited and you can get their joy to add to yours. take out old photos/videos to reemmber the good times and how beautiful they are, the smell, the soft skin, the beautiful naked baby bum, the first smile, laugh, word.....ect....oh no I need to stop bc I am not ready for a second LOL. I do wish you the best of luck, this is hard I am sure but try to remember the good times oh maybe go shopping for tiny clothing and even smaller diapers you wont belive how big your kids are till you buy a newborn pack of diapers. Sorry, hope this helped...a little. xo
OMG I know you don't want to hear it but CONGRATS! I know it doesn't feel like good news but it's such a blessing, besides remember this time will be so much easier with two extra pair of hands to help! besides 40 is the new 20 so you're still young!
best wishes to your family!
I had my third when I was 39. I had a 9 yo and 7yo. I was so panicked when I discovered I was pregnant. But he has been the biggest blessing! If there are any pregnancy support groups in your area, I would recommend seeking them out. Also see if you can find a way to take a break for yourself, a trip by yourself or maybe just your husband, so you can relax and come to terms with this unexpected event.
I just think that this baby really wants to be here with you and your family! He or she must be an incredibly determined little bugger...I am sure that this baby will find his or her way into your heart.
Your story is the first I have heard of getting PG when your hubby is fixed. Since this is rare I would consider that God really wants to give you this child. You are not the only woman having a surprise baby . It is a shock and change in your plans. Just accept it and you will find joy. AF
I too, have a ten and a seven year old when out of the blue I became pregnant at 40. ( I didn't discover I was pregnant until I was 16 weeks along. I didn't think I could get pregnant.)
Please look at this as a blessing. When I look or hold my now 9 month old, I feel joy that I was given such a gift. Did it derail the train that my family thought we were on... yes (I had just started to work again and we had just bought a second house) but in the end this new journey, though a bit stressful in the monetary area, is wonderful. I know how to be a mom. I am not filled with new mom concerns but just the joys of her development. My older children are learning more about sharing, helping, and becoming independent.
Good luck... you are obviously already a great mom and this new little one will find a place in your family.
You will feel better as time goes on and especially when you see the new bundle of joy. I was in a similar situation at 46. I was shocked to find out I was pregnant! My youngest was 9. I had just gone back to work. But we were blessed with a healthy little girl and we wouldn't trade her for the world. Her older brothers and sisters adore her and she adores them. It's really neat to see the love they all share. Don't feel horrible for not being excited now. That's normal- you thought you were done. I probably wasn't excited about our baby until she arrived, I don't remember, she's almost 4. I'm sorry for your surprise, but God must know something you don't. :)
I found out I was pregnant with #3 when #2 was only 9 months old. I was very upset at the time! In retrospect, I think it was because I was really hoping #2 would be a girl so I could have one of each, but when #2 turned out to be a boy, I just didn't want to try for a third and be disappointed again. It didn't help matters any when the doctor mentioned that if you have multiples of the same sex, the likelihood of having more of the same sex increases.
However, having the baby was the only option for us, and as my pregnancy progressed, I got more excited about it. It only got better when my baby was born and she was my girl! The doctor said it was a girl, and then I turned to my husband who said it was a girl, and then I was like "IT'S A GIRL!" And now I wouldn't trade any of my kids for the world! I must say, God knows what He's doing, even if we don't understand it at the time!
I can understand your shock and surprise. Think of it this way - for this to have happened against all odds, there must be a purpose for this little life! Praying right now that you and your husband will find the joy in this in spite of how it is turning your life upside down! :)
My dad was also fixed and well here I am typing this 34 years later. My mom was 33 when she had me. I am the 5th child. My brothers and sisters are all 10 to 15 years older then I am. When growing up it was like being a only child but now that we are all adults its great having a huge family.
You should not feel guilty about how you feel. Your feelings are real and valid and you should let yourself feel them. But assuming you are not planning to exercise your right to choose an abortion, I suspect that as the big day comes closer and closer, you will have come to terms with it and begin to welcome this baby with joy and excitement. Good luck and congratulations!
Our Dr warned us about this when my husband got "fixed" when I was pregnant with our 4th (3rd year in a row being pregnant!). Feel sad and upset. It wasn't apart of the "plan". When the baby kicks... you'll melt and move on. Sounds like your kids are getting you excited already.
My cousin was a senior in highschool when my aunt found out she was expecting...and let me tell you, the baby she had is now a mommy herself of a gorgeous little girl. I have no doubt that in your shoes I would be running the gamut of fear, anger, resentment, grief in general--after all, 11 and 7 are fairly independent kids...but I hope that somehow you and your family find nothing but joy and love with this new little person.