Hard Time Dealing with Unplanned Pregnancy

Updated on April 04, 2012
A.D. asks from Key West, FL
38 answers

so i just found out yesterday that i am pregnant. i took 2 tests and they both came back positive. currently, i have a 3.5 year old and an 18 month old and i love our little family just the way it is. my 18 m/o is finally weaned and my hubby and i are taking our first weekend-long trip away together since becoming parents over 3 years ago. my initial reaction after seeing the positive result was ecstatic--i'd been secretly craving another baby even though i knew my husband didn't want any more kids. for birth control, we've been using condoms on my 'fertile days' and i've been tracking my cycle very closely. this time i just happened to ovulate 5 days earlier than i normally had been. Our finances aren't in the best shape since we are a single-income family and we are fairly young (i'm 24 and he's 25), but he makes enough. when i told my husband last night, he shut down and walked out of the house. we finally got to talk about it after the kids went to bed and it was horrible. he wants me to get an abortion and doesn't even want to entertain the idea of having a 3rd baby. i am obviously devastated that i wasn't greeted with a huge, excited hug..but at the same time i understand where he is coming from. i'm afraid that if i do go through with an abortion, that it will be the end of our marriage.

so two questions i have for anyone who is willing to answer (feel free to private message me if you don't want to publicly answer ). if you have had an abortion in the past, how does it effect your current life? or if you have 3 or more kids, how was the transition from 2-3? financially, emotionally, etc.? and please no judgment about a woman's right to terminate a pregnancy.

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So What Happened?

i am completely overwhelmed with gratitude from all of your kind and loving words. thank you, everyone for taking the time to respond to my question. i was expecting to get bashed for even considering terminating this pregnancy, but i got hardly any of that. on thursday i called the women's health center and had an abortion scheduled for this morning at 930. on thursday i was determined that it would be the best thing and had a whole list in my head of reasons why i should not have this baby. thursday was also a day that all of my kids and daycare kids were incredibly cranky and difficult, we had a huge blow to our bank account after an unexpected bill popped up, i was so tired from crying with my husband the entire night before, and my husband didn't hear back from a job he interviewed for and pretty much decided that meant he didn't get the job (no news after 2 whole weeks. he has a job at this company now and has been there for 5 years, but he was applying to work in a higher position with a higher salary). then i got a good night of sleep, and was able to have some 'alone' time with my thoughts while driving with my kids out to my sisters house. i called and cancelled my appointment, and called my husband and told him we need to take our time to think this through. now the thought of aborting is unbearable, i feel like this little mass of cells in my stomach starts throbbing whenever i even think about it. when he got home last night we talked more and i told him he needed to let me tell him the positive side of keeping the baby, since all he had ever wanted to talk about or think about was how much worse off we will be with another kid. he agreed to take two weeks to think fairly about both sides...i could see him struggling and he got very upset, which caused me to have a hormonal rage-fest. he gave me his car keys and told me i was relieved of parenting duties for the night, the kids were holding on to his legs and wanting his attention so bad. when i came back, the kids were bathed and in bed and my husband was singing so softly and gently to our son, and it made me cry again. he is such a wonderful husband and father, we all adore him and he treats me so well. i understand that to him, it's not a baby yet and just a mass of cells in my uterus. he also understands that it's different for me--that i'm already connected to the baby and view it as a child. he came out of our boy's room and wrapped me in a huge hug and said 'it will all be okay. i just want to take a break from us agonizing over this right now'. i know he will soften up, i just need to give him time to get used to the idea and absorb this information.

i'm not too stoked about all of the bashing my husband received from some of the responders though. he is not an immature, selfish ass who refuses to wear a condom. i checked my cycle chart, it said i wasn't going to be ovulating for 5-6 more days, so i told him he didn't need to wear one. this was hard for both of us, not just him. i think women in general need to respect the men in their lives just as much as they need to respect us. it hurts my heart to read all the harsh things that were written about him by complete strangers on here. especially when he is going through a very difficult time with this, also.

sorry for the lengthy 'so what happened', i'm sworn to secrecy over this pregnancy and it's killing me to not tell someone about all of this. my sisters and i are extremely close and they could tell something was up with me and i was bursting to vent to them about all of this. i know that would be unfair to my husband though. i really appreciate all of your kind and loving words, mamapedia!

Featured Answers



answers from Baton Rouge on

I had an abortion and have no regrets. One child was all I could support and I almost died having her, so I wasn't willing to even entertain the thought of having another baby.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

I dont think I could abort because I would beat myself up. I am not passing judgement and strongly believe in pro choice.

I see families at my school with up to 7 kids (often) and counting and they manage--and they are not even US citizens.

You may have to make some cut backs.

1 mom found this helpful

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answers from Washington DC on

Sounds like your husband is a fool. If he didn't want another baby, he should have used a condom EVERY time or not had sex at all. It's a VERY simple concept. I had my 3rd baby at 24, also unplanned, but I can't imagine life without him.

I write this from home since I took leave today...my baby, now 5, has had a virus for 3 days and we are fighting to get him healthy.

I can't imagine entertaining the idea of abortion because I had sex and got pregnant. Sorry, that just sounds insane to me. Like woops, I made steak for dinner and wanted a burger. Steak in the trash.

If he can't come to grips with the fact that HE and YOU made another child, then I'd kick his tail to the curb. Love him or not, the baby is innocent and I'd rather have a child than a man who is a fool any day.

17 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

We went to three, and now we are going to four. The last two were unplanned. I cannot imagine life without my baby girl (also 18 months old), and while I cannot imagine life with a new one yet, I know it will be fine once they arrive.

I lost my job not too long ago, and that really scared us financially. We found that even though we had to make some moe expensive lifestyle changes, we truly were okay. We didn't need to get much for #3 because we already had all the baby gear we needed. We even put the oler ones in bigger beds so we didn't need a new crib! It was a tough transition, adding another family member and losing a job, but strangely enough, it is working out well for us. We have no cable, no internet at home, etc, but the library has been a godsend for us!

10 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

My opinion, base don expereience, is that you'll resent your husband one day if you go through with the abortion. I aborted my first pregnancy when I didn't think I was ready to have kids. I held it against my husband for a long time (we weren't married yet at the time and didn't know if we would be in the future). Statistically, most women who have abortions do so because they feel pressured to do so by the man in their life. You are wise to pause and consider.

This is what I know, everyone I know who has struggled with this dilemma like you're in now has seen that child to grow up to be the family's biggest blessing. My Aunt had the dilemma with her 5th child - he's grown up to be an orthopedic surgeon and helps support his mom in her old age. My sister's son is the one that my (former) BIL wanted to abort - he's the msot awesome, sweetest, loveable young man. He's in his 20's, 6'5", an amazing computer genius and athelete (he climbs rock cliffs) and has an adorable wife. He brings such joy to our entire family. And my friend whose 3rd child was the one her husband wanted aborted - he came out looking EXACTLY like his father! He's a replica. He's the kid in the family that everyone gravitates to. His father can't even imagine life without him now (he's about 10). These children nearly always end up being the one who is like a sunbeam in the family - the one who brings the others together.

Right now your husband is looking at the short term - he's feeling overwhelmed - there are bills to pay - your life is "just getting back to normal" (whatever normal is...!) and he wants his wife back instead of the baby-maker-cargiver, etc. He's immature - most men are and it takes a while for them to grow up.

I would have a calm talk with your husband - tell him you understand how he feels - that you also want to get back to that "pre-baby" honeymooner life - but a year and half is how old your little one is now - and 18 months into the future is not all that far. Explain that by the time the abortion clinic will do the abortion your fetus will have a heartbeat. Ask him to remember how cool it was to see the first sonogram of your first baby with the tiny heartbeat and how you just can't do it. Explain that you're in this together and that you know that together you'll get through it, etc. Validate his feelings - then be sure to tell him how you feel - and what an awesome father he is. Make sure he knows you love him but make sure he udnerstands your feelings too. let's face it you didn't get pregnant on your own!

Almost every day I look back and wish I had the courage not to abort that baby. I have deep regrets and look at my kids now and think how there's a child missing from our family. It wasn't until I saw my kid's pregnancy sonograms that I realized that my first child was a real person with DNA, a beating heart, 10 tiny fingers and toes when he or she was aborted.

I don't know what else to tell you other than the frustrating pre-school age goes by really fast. Before you know it they're in grade-school riding their bikes up and down the street and then suddently it's middle & high school and the time flashes by. These times of physically exhausting parenting passes quickly. Remind your husband and yourself of that. he's thinking short-term - remind him of the long term.

Good luck mama. This is one of the big ones in life...

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

You may not feel like the 2 of you are very old, but I just want to say, the 2 of you sound like you have a very good marriage and you are mature.

You both in the beginning were emotional, but you each stated how you felt and what you wanted to do about this situation.. It was not pretty, but it was out there.

Yes you disagreed, but each took time to think about it.. then came back and discussed it and then looked at each other and found each other and what you needed and came to a conclusion you can both be happy with.

Some marriages are NEVER able to do this.. Instead they are marriages of each person having to be "right". Not listening to each other and not considering what the other person is REALLY saying. Meaning not trying to figure out why the other person feels the way they do.


But please honor your husbands wishes and do not share this news until he is ready. It is an easy request. Remember he is your very best friend forever. This is a gift you are giving him. Your sisters can wait for the news..

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

I think you are right. If you get an abortion, than you will forever hold it against him, and it could be the end of your marriage... there have been studies done with women who felt obligated to terminate when they didn't feel comfortable with it and it created long term depression. No man can tell you to terminate a life force growing within you and really understand what that can possibly even mean. For that, I do agree with Sam I Am!

We are also fairly young, in a hard spot financially and we were not trying to get pregnant. But we did, and now I am 8 months pregnant with our third. I have had a lot of emotions both on the terrified end and the ecstatic end, so I know what you are thinking. I was planning on going back to finish my degree and go back to work... now it will be a few more years. But now that the baby is almost here, we are very excited and happy and can't wait to meet our precious baby girl.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Denver on

If you keep this baby is it going to ruin your marriage? If so - are you ready to get divorced, get a job (sounds like you stay at home) and put all three of your kids (including the baby) in daycare?

How badly do you want this baby? You said you are wavering - were "secretly" desiring a baby that you KNEW your husband didn't want - and now you have to make a big girl decision.

Don't let the people on this site that love to push their "anti-abortion" views skew you - you are the one that has to grow, birth and raise this child. Yes - you might regret it - I've regretted a lot of things in my life - and I think you'd be hard pressed to find anyone that doesn't have regrets. But guess what - i'd regret the end of my marriage, my comfortable little existence and the knowledge that this baby was SO UNWANTED by my spouse that he is asking you to abort

That's not a light hearted request. Think long, think hard and MAKE YOUR OWN DECISION. It's great you came hear for a sounding board - but remember that is all it is - a sounding board.

As for abortions/regret - I have at least a half a dozen friends that had abortions and NONE of them are mentally distraught over it. They had to make a choice - they made their choice - they have moved on and hopefully put themselves in positions where they will not have to make that hard choice again.

Good luck

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

I have never had an abortion, and I hope I will never feel the need to. However, I do believe in a woman's right to choose, and I think there are absolutely times when abortion can be the right choice. An unwanted pregnancy (for whatever reason), a dangerous pregnancy, etc.

I am not sure you are in that situation, though. I think you need to take some time to think long and hard about this by yourself, and then talk to your husband again. Perhaps his initial reaction will change, but if it doesn't, it sounds like this could be the end of your marriage...either way.

Not every woman regrets her abortion (many women don't), but it sounds like you are being pushed into a corner and would not be considering abortion on your own, so this is a serious complication. If you told me that you were horrified when you found out you were pregnant again, and that you were nauseated by the idea of raising another little one, my response would be different. But you say you were, "ecstatic" to find out and then you mention that you were "devastated" by the way your husband reacted. These are pretty strong words that indicate to me that you might regret having an abortion. And having an abortion, just like having a baby, is not something that can be undone. Both are "forever" decisions.

If your husband is unbending, you will have some very serious decisions to make. Is this pregnancy really "unwanted" by both of you? Could you live with yourself if you had an abortion? Could you live with him, knowing he made you do it? If not, could you sacrifice your marriage to become a single mother of three?

There is an option you do not appear to be considering, and that is adoption. If you feel that a third child would destroy your marriage, and you feel that preserving your marriage for yourself and your two existing children is of utmost importance, you and your husband should consider adopting your child out to a loving family. In many private adoption cases, the adoptive family will even pay for your prenatal care and your hospitalization at the time of birth. Many people dismiss adoption because they could never "give away" their baby, but you can consider an open adoption, in which case you can hear updates about the child and even get visitation. HOWEVER, PLEASE DO NOT SELECT AN ADOPTIVE FAMILY UNLESS YOU ARE COMPLETELY SURE YOU CAN GO THROUGH WITH IT. It is cruel to select an adoptive family, allow them to get excited about the pregnancy and the possibility of a baby, and then change your mind once you give birth. Once you decide to bless another family with a baby, keep in your mind that that baby is theirs.

You have some very tough choices ahead of you. For your sake, I hope your husband's reaction was in the heat of the moment, and that he will change his mind. If he doesn't, I hope you can be strong and make the choice that is right for your family, and also that is right for you. Good luck and God bless.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

I've never had an abortion because I believe that all life is precious, a gift from God no matter how the baby was conceived. With that said, when I found out I was pregnant with our 4th child, I had the exact opposite reaction as yours. I did not want to be pregnant, wondered how in the world would another baby fit into our family, as we were already a family of 5. Of course there were other more selfish reasons for not wanting any more children: I had gotten my body back, was about to send our third child off to kindergarten, and I was looking forward to that "me" time that I had been missing for the past 12 years I have been a SAHM. I've longed to go back to college and finish my degree...another baby did not fit into any of that. But I am a born again Christian and I put my faith into God's hands and yesterday my beautiful surprise/unplanned baby turned 11 months and I love her more than anything; I feel as though now she completes our family in more ways I could have ever imagined.

Because I know nothing about abortion personally, other than I believe it's wrong, I do believe that the lasting emotional and psychological effects would be far greater than anything you might entertain in your mind if you went ahead with an abortion. I believe all things happen for a reason, for a plan that God has for our lives, and I do believe that whatever we humans deem as "bad" or inconvenient can and does work out for good.

I am still a SAHM. Our finances have not changed much. In fact, despite numerous large financial burdens that were placed on us at the time of finding out I was pregnant, just a month ago everything got paid in full. I give all the credit to God whom I know has been looking out for us all along. I would encourage you to NOT get an abortion. To put it out of your mind and never entertain the thought ever again. If not for you, then this child you are carrying deserves to be given that life that God obviously wants him or her to have. This precious person inside of you was specifically chosen by God for you to carry and I believe He has a special plan that will work out for good. I feel badly for you that you are in a position to choose over a child or a man.

You know, I will say something else that may or may not help you but maybe someone else. I know someone who had become pregnant and various prenatal tests determined that the baby had some genetic abnormalities. This woman thought about terminating her pregnancy. I prayed that she would keep her baby; I encouraged her to trust that God would allow her baby to born as healthy as could be. Her baby is going to be 3 years old in July. He was born very, very healthy. Not a single thing wrong with him so I believe God blessed her with a healthy baby because she chose life over an abortion. I pray you choose life.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Appleton on

Your husband's reaction was immature and selfish. He was there also. Though I believe that abortion should be legal -- I don't believe in abortion.

I believe every child is a gift and should be treasured as one.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

I promise that I won't go into my whole spiel about how abortion is wrong. But here are some things to consider:

When you found out that you were pregnant, you were EXCITED. You want this baby. If you aborted this baby, you would be secretly devastated.

If you and your husband sit down and REALLY talk about it and still decide that you don't want this baby... There is always the option of adoption. Yes, you would still be devastated that you had to give up your child but at least the child would get a chance to live.

Or you two can own up to your mistake and take care of the child that mother nature gave you.

Whichever option you decide to go, you and your husband are really going to have to work at it. If you get an abortion, you are going to hate your husband and you are going to hate yourself. If you give up the baby for adoption, you are going to resent your husband for making you give up your child. If you keep the child, your husband is going to resent you for keeping the child.

Whichever option you decide to go, choose the option that is best for your child not best for your marriage.

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answers from Dallas on

can you have the baby and then give him/her to a couple who would cherish that child because they can't get pregnant? I know this is tough but at least your wouldn't feel horrible for the rest of your life for terminating your pregnancy - now some people may not feel that way which is fine. We all operate differently so to each his own.....Good Luck!

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

Dear A.,

I just wanted to say that I'm so happy you have stepped back and given yourself some space to really process all sides of this decision. As I read your original post and it seemed like things were getting worse and worse, I felt myself praying that you wouldn't just impulsively go through with it out of fear, despair and frustration. No matter what the issue is, that just isn't a good way to go into ANY life-changing decision.

I wish you and your family the best. All will work out!

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Iowa City on

I have a few friends who have had abortions and my sister had one. None of those women regret the decision because it was a choice that she made after careful consideration about what was best for her and her family. Of the women who had abortions some were in committed relationships and/or married. They discussed things with their significant others but the choice was theirs to make. They don't live with guilt or regret or shame or anything like that. They may occasionally think if I hadn't had an abortion I would have an 11 year old right now (and I would not have my master's degree, a good job, an art studio, my current husband, etc.).

You knew your husband didn't want another child and you were actively trying to prevent conception. It isn't really surprising that he isn't happy with this news and his feelings aren't going to magically change just because you are pregnant. He still doesn't want any more children and, in his mind, since you were trying to prevent pregnancy (which honestly he is going to find questionable if he finds out about your secret desire to have a baby), abortion is the best option.

Best of luck.

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answers from Dallas on

I'm so sorry that your husband reacted the way he did. While his reaction was awful he may have been in shock. Give him some time, he may calm down about it and be more open to it. He's as much at fault as you are. If he didn't want any more, there are other ways to protect yourself. I too found myself in a similiar situation. In December of 2008, I discovered I was pregnant unplanned. We were done having kids but I got pregnant while on the pill so I guess God had other plans for us. My husband's reaction wasn't like yours however, it was a very quiet Christmas that year (and if you knew my husband, you would understand why that is strange.) However, he did express his thoughts quite angrily once saying that I was trying to get pregnant because my mom just died. Now that made no sense whatsoever and to this day I think about what he said but I have to remind myself that he too was in shock and not too happy. I personally don't believe in abortion unless for extreme circumstances so I couldn't consider that option at all for us. But thankfully with some time, he came to realize that there's a reason for everything. We can't imagine ourselves without our little boy who is now 2. I did get my tubes tied when he was born so we now completely done. To give you a little better picture of our situation as to why we were not ready to have another nor did we want one, my husband is 53, I'm 40, together already we had 4 kids. Ranging from ages 35 down to 8. So here we were all of the sudden pregnant. It makes life interesting though let me tell you. With all that said, give your husband some time to wrap his mind around it and maybe he'll come around to where you can both talk about it calmly. Good luck.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Hi A.,

I have had two abortions and I don't mind saying it to anyone and everyone. I already had one child and was not married. The father was a jerk and I knew he would never support us either financially or emotionally. Turns out I was right.

Anyway, there were several reasons why I chose to abort those babies and I have never regretted it.

First, I already had one child with no husband. I did not want to walk around with a brood of children and no husband.

Also, with no husband, I knew that myself and child(ren) would be living on one income. I really sat down and thought about things like daycare costs, Christmas, school clothes, birthday parties, etc. All those extra things over and above everyday needs. I knew that I could not provide for more than one child and thought it would be unfair to the child I already had to have more.

So I had an abortion - not once but twice. Shortly after that, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and had a hysterectomy. I have never regretted that either.

You can't base your decision on what other people have done because we are all different and in different places in our lives. I think you need to give yourself and your husband a few days to digest this news before you try to make such a huge decision.

Good luck to you and yours.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Detroit on

If you want the baby even a smidgen, don't get an abortion just because he wants one today. Give him time and he may soften up. I wouldn't have an abortion if I had one single atom in my body that doubted the decision. If you do decide you can't keep the baby, there are plenty of loving families dying to adopt. Mentioning this to your husband may buy you some time to convince him to keep it. But my guess is that he will change his mind fairly quickly and give you that big hug.

I have five kids (four step and one of my own). We do most of the funding for these kids. I can tell you that we have absorbed the latest addition in stride -- although when I got pregnant we seriously wondered where we would come up with the money for daycare, diapers, etc. We worked it out and don't really feel any financial pain from having "one more." You can find places in your budget to tuck, it sounds like you won't need daycare, and you likely already have all the clothes and baby gear you need from your other children. If you breastfeed, the first year investment is essentially diapers and a few doctor copays.

Good luck, and hugs.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

To answer your questions:
I have not been in the position where I considered abortion.
I have O. child, but if we had decided to, we could have made the transition to 2 without much trouble, I suspect.

Now for my op/ed part:
Well, I think it's common to react to life-changing news with a mixture of fear, trepidation and excitement.
I'm sorry your husband reacted the way he did.
I do believe that you and your husband need to come to an agreement. And that's not as simple as him saying "get an abortion."
Thank God you have the option of a safe, medical abortion IF you choose that.

(I always find it funny when people say they "don't believe" in abortion. It's not the Easter Bunny. It IS real and it exists!, kwim?)

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

I have 3, we wanted only 2, but after having 2 girls and no boys. We entertained the idea of 3. I was getting older and so we tried shortly after our 2nd daughter. I became pregnant quickly, his reaction was that of disbelief and shock. He thought it would have taken longer. He was not ready for it, and was scared. He wanted to terminate if it was a girl, I put my foot down and said absolutely not. He finally came around. We decided not to find out the sex till after the birth, so I wouldnt have to go through 9 months of his anger if it was a girl. Though I couldnt hold out. On a visit to the ultrasound one day, he couldnt come. I asked them to tell me and it was then I learned it was a boy. I was so happy. I didnt tell him, but he figured it out after only a few questions about the appointment and my mood. He was so much more supportive, and understanding after that. However, now that he is born and 1, I am done with kids. I was suppose to have my tubes tied right after he was born, but my husband asked me not too, after a disturbing, and strong dream he had, about a possible 4th child, that would a son. I REALLY dont want another kid. He REALLY doesnt want another kid, or support another one. We are a single income family and are comfortable now. The financial strain of the 3rd baby wasn't that hard, but we def had to make big decisions, and work harder at saving money. He is terrified we will not have enough saved for each for college, and that is a real possibility. They are going to have to work extra hard for scholarships, because ALL our kids will be encouraged to go. I think the hardest thing was the patience level for me is zero. I have a hard time keeping things straight and keep up with my youngest, he is so much more work than my daughters. A 4th would REALLY be a wrench in the works. I am still fertile, and so is he, we dont use much BC other than cycle mapping, but that didnt do much for me in the past. Still had 2 kids that were not well planned. If I was to get pregnant with a 4th I would seriously entertain the thought of abortion just because of my age, my ability, and our resources. I also would consider adoption but that would be very hard.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on


Welcome to mamapedia!! I hope you will get the answers and support you need here!! I know I've made some FANTASTIC friends from this site!!

I'm late in answering. I'm sorry. I'm happy and sad for you at the same time!
I'm sad and sorry that your husband reacted that way. I'm happy that, after reading your SWH, that you two have talked about it and will let things settle.

I can tell you that my husband and I would have loved to have 4 children. God blessed us with two. I have a daughter from my first marriage who is now an adult...but I know that adding one more to the family can be stressing - even going from one to two.

I'm sorry that either of you are considering abortion. However, you will decide what is right for your family. Don't worry about what other people think. this is YOUR life. Not theirs. You do what you have to do.

maybe you and your husband can get financial counseling? That would help in managing your finances. I know that it's easier when you are in control instead of the bills controlling you.

As to your husband being upset. I would tell him that if he didn't want to have another child, he should've worn a condom ALL the time. It's HIS responsibility too. NOT just yours.

As to the job interview? It CAN take weeks. IF he really wants it - he needs to be proactive in the process as well. He interviewed. Did he send a thank you note? That leaves a lasting impression on interviewers. Did he send an e-mail to the recruiter or hiring manager and let them know he's still interested in the position and list the reasons WHY he would be the best candidate for the position? If not - then he should. As a recruiter - I can tell you it CAN take time for all the decision makers to get together.

If an abortion will end your marriage, you need to tell him that. You need to talk openly and seriously about this. I know that an abortion is not an easy choice and it will be a decision that will stay with your forever. You can choose not to let it control you and harbor anger and everything else at your husband. He is part of this too.

I wish you God Speed during this time. I hope that you are your husband find the answer that works for BOTH of you and your family!!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Hartford on

Whoa you have had a lot of answers! THese two things that I can tell you , not from direct personal experience but experiences of people that I am very close to.
1) Having an abortion will not save your marriage/relationship, I know enough women who have had abortions because the man wanted her to, and the relationships ended anyway because of a number of reasons. Your body, your children-don't do it just because HE is telling you to.
2) I have two people I am very close to both of whom unplanned and financially devastating 3rd children. Both of those babies turned into to be the sweetest, easiest babies they had and their finances ended up ok, and they bring the mothers (and fathers) joy. You can do this. Everything happens for a reason.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Don't ever do something that you don't want to do just because someone else wants you to. You will regret it, and then it will be too late. For me personally, if I was in your situation I would choose the child over my husband any day. The child is innocent, and did not ask for this. I have three kids, and honestly, going from 2 to 3 was no big deal. My third one was such a easy baby, that she just fit right in to our family. I thought going from 0-1 was the hardest. If you feel that you just can't keep this baby, I hope you will consider adoption, this way everyone wins. You can go on with your life, and the baby will go to a loving family. Then after that someone needs to get fixed.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Madison on

We had a third that was not expected. She is a wonderful addition to our family. We don't make much but we make it work. Sacrifices for now. I do plan on working in a few years which will dramatically change things for us.

We are young also I was just about to turn 26 when we had our third. We found out we were pregnant 2 weeks after my husband lost his job...Yep he was the only income. But here we are three years later, new job, bought our first home...Life happens I know for sure that I couldn't abort a child...that would have led to life long regrets for both of us!

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answers from San Francisco on

I have never regretted a child that I had. Every child is a blessing and they have a specific reason and gift for being in this world. Give your child a chance and I am sure he/she will fit just fine in your family. Your husband will come around...he is probably upset and just needs some time to process this news. Either way, don't rush into having an abortion to please your husband. If you want to have one, you need to be 100% sure that is what you want and that you aren't being pressured into it. Best wishes in your decision.

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answers from Pittsfield on

We wanted to have a 3rd - eventually, but were surprised with that pregnancy. There was no question we would have the baby, but my husband shut down and didn't greet me with an excited hug either! I felt that he didn't support me through my pregnancy which was damaging to our relationship at that time. He was in graduate school, we lived off student loans - BUT - the transition to #3 was the very easiest. For whatever reason - that 3rd baby really helped me get my groove at being on top of "being mom". My husband - of course melted and in some ways is also the best as "dad" that he's ever been. We cherish every moment of her, b/c she is likely our last. We have worked through the difficult year of that pregnancy and are a stronger couple now than ever.
If you were ecstatic about the pregnancy - don't get an abortion. It will haunt you and you're right - it could easily be the demise of your marriage if you harbor regret and remorse at the hands of your husbands desires.

I would suggest that you take more time - he needs to respect your instincts to love that baby and protect it - no matter the inconvenience. counseling could certainly help both of you. Ask for his support. Be honest about everything. That you were just as surprised, but can't deny that you got excited. Work on a plan to make everything work and may I suggest - you encourage him getting a vasectomy since he feels so "done". remind him what a great family you are and that you're in it together.

Congratulations and best of luck to finding your peace together.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

You find yourself where so many couples do - trying to decide what's best, and faced with conflicting emotions. You and your husband are not in the same place right now. As you probably know, condoms are not very reliable especially if not used all the time, and your husband is, at least right now, in the position of almost blaming you. Perhaps he thinks you tricked him? Or maybe he's just angry at the situation.

Everyone has to evaluate the emotions (the joy of a baby, bringing back the memories of your first two), and the stark realities of finances, day care, and no time as a couple.

You should not make a decision today or tomorrow. You should take a little time with your feelings, and consider getting some counseling to sort out your feelings. I worked for years as a pregnancy counselor and saw thousands of women in your situation. Some chose abortion, some chose to continue, and a few chose adoption. Some chose to leave the medical facility and undergo additional counseling (some religious, some straight therapy), and then some of them returned to have the abortion. The decision is easiest to live with if it was well thought out and no one felt forced into it.

I had an abortion after soul-searching. Initially I wasn't in favor of it because I had undergone infertility treatments before my first pregnancy, but I looked at our finances and our lives, and made the choice. I never regretted it. I was fine afterwards, mentally and physically. No one can tell you now that you will be devastated afterwards, and no one can tell you that your marriage will be over. Neither you nor your husband have really explored all your issues together. I'd recommend that you take some time to do that. Whatever you can do to get on the same page will ensure the success of your marriage and your family.

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answers from New York on

Give it a little time. But I think the question really isn't how some other people who have had an abortion feel. It's how you will feel. I know people who absolutely do not regret it in the slightest. But there are people who apparently do. I recently also thought I might be pregnant and I really really don't want to be and I think I'd have been comfortable having an abortion. Maybe not as my husband wants another child and financially we can so it would have just been my strong preference to not go through the baby stuff again. But I'm not anti-abortion if it's done early enough. I don't think bringing a child into a place he/she is not wanted and it's not going to be a nice life makes sense. So if I were in your shoes and it really did come down to the end of my marriage or this child, I would choose not to have the baby. I would think what divorce would do to my current children as well as the 3rd child coming into a house that wouldn't have a father and likely money would be a big issue. I assume you'd have to go back to work. I'm just practical but it's a personal belief. If you do feel abortion is wrong, then you can't do it just for him. As a SAHM, you'll be bearing more of the workload so likely your husband can come around to accepting it ok. And then when the baby is here, there will be some tough times but he also will love the baby and you'll get through it.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

I'm sorry you got this response from your husband. I can't imagine hearing that from my husband and getting through that. I do not believe in abortion but am not discussing that here only wanted to say that we had 8 children and we survived if it's the financial your husband is worried about. I seems like going from 2 to 3 is just adding a little body and the clothes can be passed down unless another sex and if so then go to garage sales. The food isn't that much and surely you can make it work. The stats they give on how much it takes to raise a child are crazy and just scare people to death. You might ask your husband which of your children you now have he would not want if he had asked you to abort them. It's a life and surely if you give him time he will realize that. If not I am so sorry you are put in this situation by someone you love while carrying another someone you love.

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answers from Omaha on

Oh I am so happy to hear you canceled that appointment and both of you are willing to take some time to think about this life-changing situation. I am against abortion, but I have no judgment for you. I have never been in that situation, but no several friends that have and I can tell you every single one of them regret their decision to abort. I think since you already have two children with your husband that aborting this child would leave a huge hole in both of your hearts. Hindsight is always 20/20. It may take some adjusting financially, but families do it all the time. Good luck and God bless. I will say a prayer for you and this little one.

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answers from Washington DC on

i'm so sorry so many people are saying horrible things about your husband. clearly you two have a great relationship and are very considerate of one another. and i'm glad. your decision one way or the other will impact him every bit as much as you and i'm so glad you are weighing this in terms of his life as well as your feelings.
obviously if you choose to have an abortion it will impact you. but those who claim that it must impact you negatively or that you will certainly resent your husband for pressuring you into doing it are projecting their own feelings onto your situation.
i haven't had an abortion myself, although there were two times in my life when i seriously considered it. in both cases the decision was taken from me, but i believe whole-heartedly that had i decided to abort, it would have been done with a full understanding of the consequences. i can't say 'no regrets' because every Big Decision comes with some degree of regret, but certainly no crushingly negative ones.
i must say, it does sound from your post as if you are pretty invested in this pregnancy. this being the case, my hope is that your husband becomes more comfortable with the idea and that you figure out the financials.

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answers from Philadelphia on

I am so glad that you cancelled the appt. I can tell that you want this baby. Please dont let anyone sway you. You are the mom, this is your baby. It may be a little tough, but you can do it :) Adding the third was not bad...she fit right in. I have 4, the little two are behind me singing together. I could not imagine my life without them. I am sending you ((big hugs)).

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answers from Boston on

Although my situation does not match yours, I saw a few comments that said things like "Be responsible for your mistake and have the baby."

I want to say that being responsible is making the best decision for you! Whatever that decision is, that is being responsible. You are not making the decision lightly, you are thinking about it carefully, and you are weight the best options for you and your family. That is what is responsible. Don't let other people define "responsible" for you.

Also, don't let other people define "mistake" for you. Leaving the a plate of hamburgers where a hungry dog can reach them is a mistake. However, moving the plate out of reach and covering it, but having the dog eat the hamburgers anyway is different.

This is a difficult decision for you and your husband. Whatever you decide it what is right for your family, and you should not regret it.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Chattanooga on

I would agree to be honest the only way to truly prevent getting pregnant is to use a condom every time . To be honest if you want the baby you should have him/her. Personally I got that way on the Depo shot and my other half never believed me that I was till the dr's told me I was losing them and that completely destroyed me for almost a year and then we had our next child .With the ages of your other children it sounds like you have clothes & bottles so the only new expensive would be formula & diapers. I have 4 children and am on a fixed income . We do make things work out and I had all my 4 by age 25. You can do it just readjust some things, apply for WIC &

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dover on

I know you have already posted your SWH but I just want to say that it is very wise for you both to take this time to figure what is right for you. While you BOTH have input and will have to deal w/ the consequences either way, please be absolutely sure of what you want before you take action. Once you abort, you can not change it and YOU have to live with that decision. While so does your husband, my point is that if you do it just because he wants you to, you will have a harder time dealing with it AND may resent hiim as well. YOU personally have to be ok with whatever decision you make...in other words, you both have a say but your say counts more (come to a conclusion together but if you are on opposite sides of the arguement, your opinion is the one that should rule)...it may sound unfair but it is your body and mind.

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answers from Burlington on

I too am so glad you cancelled the appointment. I am currently 23 weeks with a third, unplanned child and my 2 other kids are from a previous marrigae. There are many times when I thought about having an abortion but I KNOW in my heart I would be devestated forever if I did. Often for a woman as soon as you find out you are pregnant, that is a person to you and there is no going back from that. I understand how hard/stressful it can be. I have no job right now, we are in no way financially prepared and at first my boyfriend was livid with me, the pregnancy, everything. I am happy to say that at this point he has come around and I am sure your husband will too :) My bf talks to my belly now and CRIED when he saw the ultrasound at 18 weeks :) Somehow it will all work out. It will be okay and your lives and your family will be forever enriched by this incrdable new person you have yet to meet.

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answers from Philadelphia on

wow thats tough. I wouldnt be able to if I was happily married because I'd always be bummed and it would be on my mind. Its ultimately BOTH of your decisions. Go away the weekend and enjoy yourselves and come back and decide whats best
If you do want the baby then find out why he doesn't
maybe you have to make some changes to the way life is with a newborn
Maybe agree that you'll be fine leaving the baby to get away together on date nights and weekends
if its financial issues, hear him out see if theres something you can do to change spending habits

If he J. doesnt want the baby then I guess you have to think long and hard if you do?? Maybe abortion? Maybe adoption? Whatever you do you should decide soon

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Boston on

A.! I feel terrible about your situation! I wish I could be there and hug you and say it will all turn out ok! It must be so hard to go through this without being able to tell your family or having to make a decision at all. I can't imagine your life right now. I hope you can find the strength withing yourself to stay positive and keep going whatever happens. Do you know what your final decision might be? Has your husband said anymore about it? Be strong!
Whatever your decision is, it will be the right one! :)

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