Potty Training - Riverside,CA

My daughter is also 2 1/2 and she was also wearing pull ups. I decieded last week that it was time she was potty trained and she learned in 5 days. I did not buy anymore pull ups and bought her underwear. When she had a accident she was punished. At night she couldn't have anything to drink after 8 p.m. My baby is so proud of herself. When she did good I would reward her. But there has to be consistency.

First of all Pull-Ups are permission to go in her pants. They are a diaper and she knows that she can without the pee or poop running down her legs.
Try a week of underwear. It will be just horrible for mom, but how else is she going to learn the consequences of going in her pants, if she never goes in her pants.
Time out!!! are you kidding??? Why punish a child for something she has always done without consequence?

Unfortunately, if your daughter doesn't ask for your opinion or advice, I'm afraid you will just cause some tension between you. At the same time, I will tell you some of my story . . .

I have three children, all way past the potty training age. My oldest is a boy who potty-trained in basically a week - BUT he was 34ish months old. I tried once a week until he seemed ready - I didn't want it to be a major battle. His incentive was that he wanted to wear what we call "chonies" (underwear) - and I told him, "The rule in our house is that if you wear chonies, you go potty in the toilet." The other thing we did was sing the wicked witch music as we ran for the bathroom. I don't remember potty training my second, which to me either means that it went smoothly and wasn't traumatic, or I was REALLY sleep deprived. I do know that she was potty-trained earlier that my son. My baby is a girl. I thought being a girl as well as the third that she would train easier and earlier than the other two. HA! Boy, was I in for a rude awakening! She was basically potty-trained (and out of diapers) by 27 months - but when my husband watched her and she had an accident, he put her back in diapers. She ended up back in diapers full time. I tried the chonie thing, but unlike my son, she didn't care if she wore chonies. She wasn't potty-trained for real until she was 35 months old - and even then she wouldn't poop in the toilet. She had her last accident at 35 1/2 months at Pizza Hut, and her legs were so skinny that when I grabbed her out of her booster seat (this is when they still had dine-in) to run her to the toilet, the poop FELL OUT OF HER TRAINING PANTS ONTO THE FLOOR OF THE RESTAURANT! I was so embarrassed! My diaper bag was in the car, so we went out to the parking lot to clean her up. When I came back in, the poop was still on the floor - they were considerate enough to leave it for me to clean up! I'm still not sure if the incident itself embarrassed her, or if I shamed her, but that never happened again! One thing that I did with mine that I don't think I would do again is to have an "open-door" policy when I was "going potty." I thought it would help if they could see what you do in there - but now I still have a hard time finding privacy in the bathroom . . .

I don't agree with punishing for accidents - you can force all you want, but kids will train WHEN THEY ARE READY! Positive reinforcement will work much better - pennies, little candies (m&ms or skittles), or getting to wear big girl panties . . .

in my opinion, potty training is really psychological and has a lot to do with a child developing a sense of will, listening to their own body signals and being able to tune into knowing "when." that's a child's individual process. my son is potty training right now and our first step is showing him how to sit on the potty right after wakes up (this is when he usually has a bowel movement) and reward him with 2 m & m's...i haven't yet taken the next step with him because i don't think he's totally ready yet. most kids who are ready to potty train show a bit of a willingness when you try and explain using the potty to them.

my husband sometimes gets upset at my son for pooping in his diaper because it really is a royal mess, but i explain to my husband that my son should NEVER be made to feel ashamed of pooping in this diaper because really, if my son knew better, i know he wouldn't do it, and my son is just not there yet. plus pooping is a very natural and private/personal process and it should be treated as such.

an example and experience i'd like to share with you is this. right before my daughter turned 3 years old, i tried to put her on the potty because her poopy diapers were coming out of the dipe and making huge messes. i tried for about a week putting her on the potty, scolding her, etc, and i got SOOOOOO frustrated, but at the same time something didn't feel right. i felt instinctually that potty training shouldn't feel like a struggle, that if it did, i probably wasn't taking the right approach. i had studied and read books on the subconscious and one of the concepts is that the mind is the most receptive right before bedtime and right before waking up in the morning. so soon after she was asleep, and also before she woke up in the morning, i would say, "everytime you feel like going pee or poo, you go straight to to the potty. you like to use the potty. it feels good." (and other positive suggestions)....not long after that i was making lunch one day and i hear "mommy, i'm using the potty!" i found my daughter sitting on the toilet by herself. just like that, my daughter started using the toilet, on her own, when she was ready, with NO struggles, and we never had accidents. it blew my mind how easy it was.

so anyway, i guess i think potty training is a readiness thing, and all kids are different as are their personalities and paths of development.

you are a good grandmother for taking notice of this situation with your granddaughter. you could also just encourage your granddaugther and tell her how proud of her you are and that you know she is smart enough to make her own choices and act upon her instincts when she is ready no matter what anyone says.

hope that helps!

Dear Concerned Grandmother:

There are great books on this... for both mother and daughter.

Tell your daughter you have noticed her frustration regarding potty training issues and thought she might like it.

Good luck... I have 2 birth daughters and 7 grandchildren. It can be frustrating standing by and keeping silent...but it is best.

Wow C.. I feel for you. My eldest daughter was potty learned and didn't start using the bathroom until she was about 4 1/2. Everyone is different. Maybe your daughter wouldn't feel comfortable with that. However, I've always felt that our mother/child connection was enhanced by listening to my little one's cues and really determining whether she was ready or not to start. In my family, there's alot of bedwetting. Our bodies just seam to take longer to develop bladder control. So, I've always appreciated a compassionate approach. All bodies are not the same. Maybe your grand-daughter can't control her bladder to the degree that is comfortable for your grand-daughter. Accidents were common in my childhood. I really appreciated my mom not being punitive with me. Her mom (my grandmother) did punish her for accidents. She just turned 70 this year and can still recall, in detail, when her mother punished her for having had an "accident." I would caution against it. Just about every book available on how to potty train will do the same. So, if you are concerned, you may want to bring her a couple. The book, "Potty Learning" has a bit in it about how the dynamics we set up with out children during the pottying process will probably mimic the dynamics we have with our children thereafter. You may want to point out that comparing her to other children and punishing her when she doesn't measure up is not condusive to a safe and well bonded mother/daughter relationship. It's especially tragic if the reason were biological rather than behavioral...and it may turn into a behavioral concern if your grand-daughter starts to feel like she's always behind the 8 ball. Good luck.

I have heard girls are harder to potty train than boys, they just take longer...so at 2.5 years old, I would not have expected too much. My son potty trained himself by the time he was 2 years old...without help. He just got tired of wearing diapers and got rid of them. Its not right to punish your granddaughter because she misses or doesnt get to the bathroom on time, she is still learning. Not only will it give her low self esteem, it will make her regress, and stop trying all together. Your daughter is going about it all the wrong way. She should be giving her positive feedback and praising her for trying...give her rewards on the times that she tries the hardest...things like that. It worked for my son!

My nephew stopped wearing pull ups at 3 years of age. My sister in law did the same in giving him time outs every time he had an accident. The only thing she accomplished was to stress my nephew out which in return he had more accidents. I told her he wil will go when he is ready but she needed to be consistent in asking him every 20 minutes if he has to go. In the end, she let him be and all of sudden he started going all by himself. He is not 4 and all potty trained but every once in a while he has accidents, mainly while he's asleep. Just remind her, we are alot older and we can still have accidents. :)

If your granddaughter is not shamed or made fun of her self esteem will probably be intact. My suggestion is to get two books, the first is Toilet Training in Less Than a Day for your daughter. It is a method used to train mentally challenged adults and works like a charm if followed correctly. The second is Once Upon a Potty for girls. It is an anatomically correct picture book about using a potty. Kids love it and usually carry it everywhere with them. There's a video and a doll that can also be found sometimes to go along with the book, but the book is the most important. And the most important phrase to remember is "another chance next time!" Good luck from Grams!

Accidents are part of the game. Believe me the child is embarrassed enough. All I can tell you is how I dealt with my little girl. I realized most of the accidents were coming because she was too busy with whatever she was doing. I had to constantly assure she would miss nothing if she stopped for a potty break. I also showed her how Mommy would stop whatever fun thing I was doing to take a potty break. Whenever she would have an accident, I would assure her that this is how we learn and that Mommy had accidents when she was a little girl, too. May I also recommend a book called "Once Upon A Potty". Good Luck.

Hi, You could suggest to your daughter to try giving her a reward after she goes on the potty, like an M&M in each hand for each time she makes it to the potty. You could give other things as well. Favorite cereal,fruit snacks,popcorn,ice-cream, etc.. Sometimes you just need to take the pull-ups off and use them only at night. It sounds like she just wants a little more attention. Maybe try making her apart of taking care of the baby too. She'll feel very proud to be the big helper. Good Luck!! J.

I have read many of the responses that you have received and they are great! I went through potty training horror with my first daughter and took her to the doctor to see what was wrong with her. The doctor informed me that it has become custom to push our children to potty train earlier and earlier over the decades. Girls in particular don't actually gain full control of the muscles needed for bladder contral until they are 3 years of age. Some girls are able to gain control of these muscles much earlier. After being told this, I stopped forcing the issue with my daughter and she was fully potty trained by age 4. As a result she stopped feeling bad about having accidents and I was not so stressed out. When my son came along, he trained himself by the time he was two and my second daughter was trained by 4 as well. Both of them learned without a hitch and it was never a struggle. Maybe your granddaughter is not ready to be trained yet.

You are so right C.. Not from my own experience do I say that but from what I've recently read from the American Pediatric Society. Have you thought of giving your daughter one of those potty training books as a gift? There are many at your local bookstore.

I had five children. My first four were still in diapers at three and four. They finally just trained themselves. But, I was home with them at the time, and potty training wasn't that big of a deal. However, I had to start working when my fifth daughter was two years and I couldn't get her into a pre-school unless she was potty trained. I found an article in a magazine called something like "Potty Train your Child in Four Hours" (something like that) and tried it. It actually worked. What it did was put the responsibility onto the child (where it belongs), but also taught them how to know when they had to go. I believe the book is still out there. Generally, what they did was sit in a room with the child, a potty, a doll that wet when you fed it, salty foods, and plenty of liquids to feed the child. They had fun while the child practiced going potty. It actually worked.

I am sorry, but you are right in being concerned. No child should be shamed.
What I did, and it worked, is put broccoli in the toilet and told her to pee on the tree. Or sink the cherrio. It works better with boys, but works with girls too.
Also get her regular little girl underpants, with the plastic ones. That ways he will be really uncomfortable when she has an accident.
Most kids are just having too much fun to stop and go to the bathroom. This will make her think twice before she waits!
Good luck, your a neat grandma.
p.s. What I also did was give her one M&M for peeing in the toilet, and two for pooping in the toilet.
Also, make sure she has a foot sttol for her feet to rest on while up on the pot. A book next to her, etc.

i did that with my daughter who will be 4 in april she was fully potty trained by the time she was 2 1/2, she got time out for going in her pants, and rewards for going in the toilet it worked, she had pull ups for awhile during the night but after we got rid of the pulls ups she only had one accident in the bed, it didn't affect her self esteem

As a mother, I advise you to be gentle when giving advice to your daughter, but this is a precious time in a a childs development when they start to develop feelings of shame and guilt. This is not a time to "punnish" her for something she might not even be physiologically(did I spell that right?) ready for. It is true that every child id different.

Hi C..
I potty trained both my girls at 2 1/2 and found that each child is different. For one it was easier than the other. One thing I did was, I made a sticker chart. Each time she went potty, she would get to put a sticker on the chart. At the end of the chart, maybe a month or less, I had written Toys R'Us. And my daughter knew that once she filled up the chart she would choose a toy at the toy store, so that motivated her to keep going! With my other daughter that wouldn't have worked so I would give her Smarties (the candy), which she loved! So every time she would go potty she was sure to ask for her Smarties! Eventually they both got the hang of it. It just takes a lot of patience, consistency, and practice. Hope this helps.

There's really not much you can do. You probably wanted to start earlier though, because she is comfortable w/ the fact that she doesn't have to go to the toilet when she needs to go to the bathroom. It's much more convenient for her. Punishing her if ok, but probably not the best for her, but I too did it to my children, it did seem to work, but I'm sure there could of been a different method.
Just be strong and don't lose faith, she will get it.

You are right on Grandma. Give your Grand Baby time. She will learn. Don't force it.
Candy

Why does she need her to be potty-trained so badly? She does not sound ready to train. The more she pushes the more your granddaughter will see it as a power struggle. Does she take advice from you? Can you drop "stories" about potty-training power struggles and advice that your friends told you or that you read? My daughter trained in about 1 month, nighttime included, but she was almost 4 and SHE decided to do it, not me. Her preschool was very supportive about it and told me that it's not developmentally appropriate for all kids to potty-train at 2. As with all developmental milestones the range of normal is very wide. I wish I had not wasted my time trying to get her to do it before she was ready. If she punishes her then it's going to become this huge negative thing and she won't do it. How frustrating your you to watch this. I hope everything works out in a positive way for everyone.

Wait until she turns 3. When ever you talk about her birthday tell her that she will no longer wear diapers when she's 3. That will give her some time to prepare mentally. I did the same with my 3 year old boy and it took 2 days. The second day when he didn't want to go potty in the am I told him he had to stay in his room until he went. He didn't like that but when he had to go he told me and from then on he was trained. I do think it's ok to be firm about it. If she's 3 and continues to have "accidents" you could have her change her clothes by herself for example.

my daughter is two years old and she is potty trained . i've been training her when she was 1 1/2 years. a tecnique i do to my child is everyday when she wakes up from her naps i take her to the toliet with me. i have a potty in front of the big toliet. you know how when we wake up from a mights rest and the first thing we do is go to the restroom. well, that's what i do with her and it works. using pull-ups will not work, beacuse the child will feel it's a pamper. my daughter uses underwears and sometimes she wets her self, because she is not use to it. but she will get the hang of it. the best thing to do is to encourage your grand-daughter. forcing her will make her scared and not want to go. when she has a dirty diaper, before changing her tell her and encourage her by saying, "Come on lets gets go get your diaper." take her to the toliet and change her standing up. that's what i do and it's letting my daughter know, she can't lay down anymore, becuase she is a big girl.

Grab any potty training book written in the last 20 years and run to your daughter's house with it! The one thing that all experts agree on is that you should NEVER punish a child while potty training. It is the most counter-productive thing you can do and can have long lasting negative effects on the child. You are right to be concerned. Your granddaughter needs you to stand up for her. Check out Babycenter.com. They have tons of articles on toilet training. Your daughter needs to understand that children use the potty when they're ready, and not one second sooner. If she pushes too hard, her efforts will backfire on her in a big way. Best of luck to all 3 of you!! I'll be praying for your precious granddaughter.

Absolutely do not stay out of this. You need to be really frank with your daughter and tell her she is way out of line by punishing her daughter for having accidents. Remind her that added pressure on her daughter is going to prolong the accidents not benefit them. A child needs to be rewarded for trying whether or not her attempts are successful. Maybe your daughter need to speak to a professional to help her gain some perspective on the situation or even easier just buy one of the many books out there on potty training. When a child feels threaten or scared they get confused and since potty training is so new and difficult to start there is no way a baby can figure the signals out. She needs to learn to reward the times she does go instead on punishing her for the mistakes she makes. Be firm Grandma. If it were my Mother she would put me in a time out for doing such a thing to my child.

My heart tells me that time outs for accidents is the wrong answer. At 2 and a half a child is still making the connections between their body sensations and their outcomes. It would be great to put let her go naked and then when she has the sensation she can rush to the potty and not have to try to pull down pants or pull-ups. It is important to use positive reinforcement and encouragement during this time. Celebrate her success and when she has an accident say "thats okay, its just an accident, we can clean that up and next time we can make it to the potty". Children who feel frightened or embarrassed may have disorders that can extend into their later years. Love and gentle guidance have always been the best course of action for me and my little ones. Hope this helps. P.S. Getting advice from Grandma is difficult for us mothers. Please be gentle,loving and encourageing to your daughter as well.

Sometimes pull ups can be part of the problem. It is still a diaper. You could take your granddaughter to the store and let her pick out some pretty underwear and casually mention to your daughter a reward system might be more motivating. It really just normally depends on the approach, or how something is said, if you could talk to your daughter that comes out respectful to her as a mother and that you are not trying to correct her, it should not matter that you have input on potty training. It is always in the presentation of a thought or idea.

I'm a Grandma, too....I'd be concerned as well....punishment for failure won't work....Better a reward for success...a small toy worked well for my grandkids...Good luck.

C. S.

I would think that if her mother would punish her, it's because she sees that her daughter's capable of being trained. Grandparents never want their grandkids to suffer or get in trouble which of course is natural. I know you love your granddaughter but I don't think you should worry about it. Since her mother is the one doing the training I would stay out of it because when it comes to potty training consistency is the key so let her mother deal with it however she sees fit. I think you've heard too many psychologists talking about self-esteem. I can't imagine your granddaughter having self-esteem issues years from now because of her mother's potty training methods. ;o) Okay after writing all of the above I read the other responses. Most of them are listening to the "experts" too. I'll just remind you that the average age of kids who are potty trained today is at least a year older than when most of us were young. It's because parents today listen to the "experts". As a result they're still buying diapers and changing their preschoolers, instead of toddlers.

I am a grandma. Some children are not ready to be potty trained at 2 or 2 1/2 yrs. Please have your daughter discuss this with her doctor. She may have a urinary tract problem. You daughter needs to lighten up. Lots of patience. I know we don't like changing diapers and wet beds as our children get older.

Make potty trainning FUN. Try a sticker chart on the refrigerator. Every time she goes in the potty give her a sticker then when she get five stickers get her a little toy or something little thats important to her. Your granddaughter knows what she is suppose to do. As you and I know this is ONLY one of many challenges your granddaughter has to face in this BIG world. I will pray for patience for your daughter. Please DO NOT scold her.

Good Luck

Another grandma
K.

To me pull ups are just like diapers. She needs to have the feeling of underpants on. Buy the thick training underpants for her. I know they sell them at Target in the baby isle with the pack of undershirts. She will not like the feeling of her underpants being wet or dirty. The pull ups are a waist of money. So what if she has to deal with the washing of the underpants, our grandparents had to deal with the washing of the cloth diapers. Accidents happen. Bad timing happens. This little girl should be in underpants (cloth) already. All of my kids were fully potty trained by the time they turned 2 1/2.

My understanding is that potty training is about separation/individuation for the little ones. It sounds like your daughter is in a power struggle with the little one. She needs to make it safe enough for her to poop and allow her to mourn the loss of pull ups. If all else fails, please tell your daughter to get help. 80% of a child's personality is formed in the first five years. She doesn't want an obstinate child does she?