My ex-husband and I separated last year, and the divorce was finalized earlier this year. We have a very civil relationship and we share custody of our 3 year old daughter 50/50. My ex recently bought a house with another woman. I haven't met anyone I'd like to date, and no men have been to my house and I haven't given anyone my address. My issue is that when my ex comes over to pick up our daughter, our male dog comes out and greets him, and then my ex follows the dog back into my bedroom to pet him. How do I tell my ex that it's not appropriate for him to go back into my bedroom without raising the issue of whether or not I'm sleeping with anyone else? I bought my ex out on this house, so he used to sleep in this bedroom. He started dating this other woman last year, and he didn't say anything about her to me until our daughter started talking about the girlfriend's son. I would like to start dating, but I don't think it's any of my ex's business until I reach the point when I introduce the guy to my daughter (which I don't plan on doing until I've been dating the guy for a while). I will not have any dates over while my daughter is here until the relationship gets serious. I'm not looking for any dating safety tips or anything about when it's appropriate to introduce a new guy to my daughter. I'm specifically concerned with how to inform my ex that it's not appropriate for him to walk into my bedroom whenever he wants, without having to answer questions about my dating life. I pick up my daughter from daycare in the neighborhood every day, which is why he comes over to my house to get her. Do we need to start arranging for a neutral drop-off place?
Thanks everyone. There's a hallway door that I can shut when I'm expecting my ex that will keep the dog in the living room. I'll try to remember to shut it whenever I'm expecting him. I don't know why I didn't think of that myself - guess I was so focused on the discussion and not ways to avoid the discussion!
I would just say "I would appreciate it if you would please not go in my bed room anymore. That is my private place, and since we are no longer a couple I don't feel comfortable with you there". Even if he is pissy at first about it, he will get over it.
The easy way to handle it is to have your door shut/locked when he is coming over. Have you dog outside the door so he has no reason to "follow him in". Then if he goes in or tries to, you can say "I'm sorry, did you need something?"
Otherwise, you can say "Bob, please don't go in MY bedroom. You can pet Fido out here."
I would close or lock the door. He is probably checking up on you when he goes to the bedroom to see if there's a sign of a man around.
close the door. if the dog doesn't go in, then he won't. I don't see the connection with dating.
Just tell him.
He's not used to the new/different parameters yet.
So just tell him.
Nicely.
He won't know unless you TELL him.
Men... are DENSE.
Just inform him.
Your room is private.
You: "Hey Bill, I've been thinking. It's actually not appropriate for you to walk into my home without knocking. I'd like if you started doing that. It's important to me."
Him: "Why? I always have."
You: "Yes, and I didn't set a boundary. I am now. This is my home, and I expect you to knock before you enter. Thanks, I know you'll be respectful!"
Simple as that. You don't OWE him an explanation, OR entry into your house, particularly not your bedroom. Doesn't matter if you're dating or not!
--Oh wait, I just re-read your question, so let me re-phrase this (occurred to me that he IS knocking, and then just floats into your room).
You: "Hey Bill, if you'd like to say hi to Charlie, you're more than welcome to pet him in the living room. I'd like my bedroom to be left alone."
Him: "Why, ha ha, you dating someone?"
You: "I never set a boundary about my room and now I'd like to. It's my private space. Thanks for understanding!"
get a lock for your door and use it when you anticipate him being there.
Just close the bedroom door and then the dog will not be able to go in there......that or else just tell him - Please stay out of MY room.
I agree with Jen C. He isn't intentionally violating your private space, he just isn't thinking. Guys are like that sometimes, lol.
He has always done that in THAT house... I'd bet dollars to donuts if you lived in a different home, then he would think for a moment before walking into your bedroom like that. (If you guys have a respectful relationship like you seem to indicate).
Just tell him. "I'd rather you didn't go into my bedroom. It's not appropriate anymore." He'll probably look stupid for a moment, mumble a confused "okaaayyy" and then think about it some later and realize that DUH... he shouldn't have been walking in there! And if he mentions it to his girlfriend, I'm sure she'll nip it as well...
Just keep the door shut, or lock it. He's not thinking about appropriateness or your sex life, he just wants to pet the dog.
:)
My friend had to tell his wife to stay out of their room once she left him. She left him for another man but then felt like when she was "home" she could go in "their" bedroom (they have 4 kids.) He just told her straight up. I wouldn't worry about it. Just tell him to stay out of *your* bedroom. You don't owe him any explanations!!
"Since our relationship has changed, I feel I need to set some new boundaries. I would appreciate if you would not go into my bedroom, that's my space now." When he asks why, what are you hiding? "It's not about anyone else, it's about me and what I feel comfortable with, and I appreciate you respecting that." Good luck!
Can you put a lock on your door? You can have the key and then he can't get in.
Or can you keep the dog from going in your room when the ex is over (maybe have the dog out and your room closed so dog doesn't go in there)?
Or you can just tell him to please not go in your room. It shouldn't have anything to do with dating, it's a polite thing to do...not go in someone's room. That would bother me too.
maybe just shut or lock your bedroom door when you knw he is coming over? Or a neutral drop off place might just be more comfortable for you both?
