Picking Another Couple in Case Something Happens to us...questions

I have great and dear friends I love.
I have friends who parent as I do.
My family is good, and kind, and loving... but radically different than I am as far as parenting style, goals, etc.

When my son was young, I wanted him to go to my friends. But as my son got older, I realized that while my family may be quite different from me, NO ONE would love him as much as they do.

My friends are still in my will, several steps 'down'. (The "This person unless they are unwilling or unable" chain... With my family who would love him best at the top.

Just my answer. I know not everyone has a living or loving family.

Let's face it - if young children lose their parents, their whole world will be rocked. I think staying in IN is neither here nor there in this case.

I would choose family. Choose the best possible scenario. Nobody is perfect but choose the closest to. Choose someone who will give them all the love they deserve like Jo W said.

I am a financial planner and I work with estate lawyers to help people come up with their contingency plans. I work mainly with young couples who have babies or just plans to have children.

I always suggest family - because they are always family. Friends usually come and go over a lifetime. The people we are close to in grade school may not be our friends after high school, the people we are close to as a dating couple may not be close to us after children, etc. Additionally, we always suggest when making this kind of plan, in writing in the will, that if you are using a sibling and in-law (sister and brother in law) that the children be left to the sibling only. That way if the couple should split, there is no question as to who has custody later.

Before you make your final decision, you absolutely must ask the person that you are asking to be guardian if they are comfortable with that. They may say no thank you! It does happen, more frequently than you might think. You should put in an alternate guardian even for the person who says yes, just in case circumstances have changed. Although it is a funny example, Michael Jackson had almost a perfect set up. His money is taken care of by trustees who don't have custody of his children. His children went to his mother, with his sister and Diana Ross named as alternates in case his mother either predeceased him or was unable to care for them.

Oh, and for everyone who thinks that naming godparents means that your children will have guardians if both parents should die - absolutely not in the court of law. You must have guardians named in a will in order to have a say in who gets custody of your children. Godparents is a religious thing but not a legal obligation to raise children.

C.

I would go with whoever you can completely trust, and who will embrace your children with open arms.

I think the argument for keeping the kids in Indiana only applies if the kids will be kept in the same town and school. This is done to avoid rocking another boat in the lives of children who have just seen everything capsize. I don't know your family, so even if they lived in Bloomington, I don't know whether this would be the right choice.

However, if the kids would have to move out of town in any case, for goodness sake, put them with the people you trust. They will already have to leave their town and school, so you might as well send them to people who will care for them the way they deserve.

We picked my sister and brother in law. They are the best match for our kids. It didn't matter to us if the guardian was blood related. We wanted someone who would love our kids unconditionally. Someone with similar values are ours. Someone who would parent similarly and someone who would be fiscally responsible with the money we have for our kids. My SIL and her husband fit the bill. Geography has little baring on meeting those requirements.

Right now our guardian choices live four hours away. That's pretty easy. But it's possible they will pack up next week and move to the other side of the country. They are still the best match for us. We have requested in person and in writing that the kids remain in contact with both sides of our family. And it has been explained that it may mean my SIL hop on a plane and take my kids to see my parents in Georgia. She understands that and seems to be ok with that idea. And I trust that she will follow through.

One question came up for me while I read your post:

Have you asked this other couple if they would be willing and interested in being your children's legal guardians if something did happen? Knowing that it will be a long-term obligation on their part, and may cost them considerably... it's worth checking it out on their end before talking to family.

We chose a non-family couple to be our son's godparents, who my husband has known since his army days. We loved them long before we had our son. We have similar values and we know that they are good role models. As a couple-- they are good together. We wanted to make sure that, in the case of our deaths, the family he would be with would be loving, solid and good people to each other.They have also taken an active interest in our son, which increases their bond with him and his with them.

We are aware that it would be a terrible loss for a child to lose their parents. We really wanted to focus on not just keeping him in the area geographically, but also to keep life familiar for him as much as possible.

We chose family, but we chose them in part because they are a similar age bracket to me (I am younger than DH), they have similar values and beliefs, could support another child, and would ultimately look out for our child's best interest in the long run. It might mean that DD would move to another state but if something terrible happened to both me and DH, I'd rather she be with people who would love and support her the way she would need than someone who happens to be local now. People move. Don't pick based on current location. Pick based on who would fit your child's needs best if you weren't there to raise her. And, of course, talk to them about it.

It just happened to turn out that we are reciprocally our nephew's godparents/legal guardians in the event that his parents get eaten by bears or something. For all the same reasons as stated above.

The most important thing to consider, is the best match for the children emotionally. The ones that have your same values and if possible parent as close to you as possible.

The details of being able to visit family so many times a year.. etc.. Can be placed in the paperwork..

It may not be family that you choose. Just pick their best match.

For what it's worth, when our children were small we discussed this, and we gravitated toward some close friends, rather than family. They did not live near us any more - not by a long shot - but they would have raised our children with the values we wanted them to grow up with (which wouldn't have happened with relatives). Moreover, our friends completely understood all the responsibility involved and were more than happy to take it on.

The state that your children might live in is not as important as the people they live with. You want your children to be with someone you and they COMPLETELY trust as they grow up.

Sounds like you had the same questions and went through the same emotions we did years ago when we went through the same thing.

We also actually picked friends (after talking to them first) over family for many reasons. But we were lucky enough to have those friends right here where we live. Our thought at the time, not to throw a wrench in your plan, was GOD FORBID something happen to both us, it would also be difficult to move away from the home, friends and school they've always known.

Bottom line, it's exactly what QueenoftheCastle said, it should be someone you trust and who will love and accept your children.

Lots of things to consider...

When we did our guardianship papers for our children, we selected my sister and her husband as the physical guardians and my other sister as their financial guardians (two different skill sets, two different responsibilities). My sisters live in FL and the attorney immediately pointed out that if something should happen to us it would mean a "double loss" for our children- parents AND their home. For us, it was irrelevant b/c there is no one local that I would trust my children with for one night let alone 18 years.

I would not have my children with friends if there was a family option. It is a major undertaking to raise another set of children and friends are more likely to decline. If the time should come, they can say "no". I would think that your family would be much less likely to turn your children away.

As others have mentioned, speak with the selected guardians BEFORE making any decisions or committing anything to paper.

When our kids were very young we had to make these same evaluations - and truthfully although things have changed in the last ten years, the field of available parties has shrunken due to things we have learned or stuff that's taken place - we wouldn't change out minds at this point - although we wish we had slightly more perfect choices. But perfect options rarely exist. In our minds we wanted more to rule out family members who we clearly did not want anything to do with raising our children versus family members who would be a perfect fit. We both had sibilngs who had financial & medical problems of their own doing, we also have family members whose religious beliefs ran VERY contrary to ours, and another couple of family members who seems to have mental health issues. So our decision came down to two of my siblings. Both are currently nearby but we expect that one is going to be moving about 9 hours away in the next few months. We're fine with that. While a move is never easy, particularly after a traumatic loss of both parents, a loving stable home is more important. This is especially true when the kids are young. When the kids are teens it's a little more complicated as it's tough to start over as a teenager. Skype, online video games & facebook make it easier - but it's still tough. For our kids I still think a move with my one sister out of state would be better for them - but I don't think that's a blanket statement for all teens.

But in my humble opinon I'd go with the stable environment 11 hours away - assuming your kids aren't yet teens. When they become teens it's time to re-evaluate and even ask their opinion. My kids (13 & 16) know what our plans are and they are secure with the knowledge of who they would be with if we were ever lost. But also keep in mind that family is always family and will always be there - while friends, no matter how close, often drift over the years. The families that we were close with when the kids were young are not at all close to us now. The kids grew up and apart as they developed different interests. When kids are pre-schoolers, even in elementary school we parents determine, to a large extent, their sports, activities, friends, etc. That all changes when they get to middle school and make their own decisions about their interests and friends.
This is a decision to be re-evaluated every couple of years. When we first made up our will the decision it was to keep my sister (who's a practicing witch) and my husband's sister (who is mobidly obese as is her husband & son, they are all disabled and they live in a filthy environment) from ever having any chance of getting the kids. Now, however, we've seen how other siblings have raised their kids (very leniently with bad results), seen another brother have an affair and child with someone other than his wife and the problems that's created, etc. we are more convinced we made the right decision.
We selected the two most stable siblings, who are most like-minded and they agreed that if both of us had died they would make a decision between the two of them (and their spouses) as to which family would make the most sense at the time. In the following 10 years my brother lost his job and he & his wife had many different interim jobs to keep income coming in until he found a permanent job, and my sister's husband became disabled & she retired. So while both of their situations changed during those time periods I am certain that between the two of the couples they would have made the right decision for my kids. PLUS - and this is important - there was enough life insurance between my husband and I - that it would not be a financial burden to take my kids in. They would have enough money to add rooms to their house or buy a new one, to buy a more appropriate car, to pay for food, clothing & education, etc.
Who ever would have thought that you'd have to make such decisions one day!

It is a tough choice, but I really think family is the best way to go. The family we have to choose from is limited and even though they are retired we chose my in-laws over my sister-in-law. We just really didn't think that throwing her into full-time parenting after being single and childless would be be the best thing. You have to think of the burden you are placing on the other people, friends or family, and how is that going to impact them and your children.

Good Luck.

That was pretty hard to understand, because you kept using pronouns and then switching who they were referring to...for example, in the second to last paragraph, you made it sound like your kids' grandparents were 2 and 4 years old. :)

But I think I get the jist of what you're asking. I would generally be biased towards placing them with family in the event of your untimely demise, but only if there is a suitable person or couple that is responsible, functioning, in good health, loving, and that the kids have a good connection to. Those factors trump whether you keep them in the family or not. It can be really difficult for grandparents to take on the task of raising youngsters - but it can be ok if the kids are fairly self-sufficient, as long as the grandparents are in good health, and willing to take the time to really interact with the kids.

For me, keeping them in state or out of state is completely irrelevant. If you have no suitable family members that you can really trust to raise your kids with love and boundaries, and really put in the effort to treat them as their own, then I would look to your friends.

It's great that you and your husband are thinking about this, and I hope you can find the right people. I hope you both live long and healthy, and that this plan never needs to be activated. But it is so important to think of it.

I would pick the best fit for guardians of your kids. Family ro friend doesnt matter. The folks that would raise them most like you.. same religiion, if you value sports and athletics.. someone else htat values sports.. if you value education.. someone else that would help with homework and read to the kids..

It is never easy to choose as no one is just like you.

We adopted a little girl in March, and part of the adoption agreement was that we have named Godparents in a will just in case something were to happen.
We factored in the following:
~ Our trust that the couple would raise her similar to our style.
~ Religious beliefs similar to ours, and willingness to be a part of religious activities that we are currently involved in.
~ Willingness to maintain equal contact with both of our families
~ A genuine love for our child.

I have three brothers. My partner has two sisters. We love them all. But none of them fit all of our requirements. We chose a couple who is very close to us and has been friends with us for years. We explained to our families why we chose them, and they were all OK with it. I'm sure some were a bit disapointed, but this works best for us, and all of them in the long run IF the situation arises.

If this were me, I would take parenting style, willingness to parent, religious practices and political beliefs into account in choosing. Also, if you can't leave the couple you choose with a life insurance policy large enough to cover all child raising expenses, their financial situation would be another area to consider.

Then, I would suggest consulting a lawyer, and talking with both the couple you choose, to see if they agree of course, and everyone in your family, about your choice. The reason to talk with people you haven't chosen, is that any person with a legal "interest" in your child can petition the court for custody in the case of your death. No matter what you have written, even by a lawyer, a disgruntled family member can turn this into a custody battle and could win.