Have You Decided Who Will Take Your Children If Something Happens to You?

My SIL is going to take him if something would happen to us. She has experience with special needs kids so we feel she would be the best fit for him.
Everybody has drawbacks so i would choose the best candidate as long as the drawback isn't really really bad.

Trust and respect of that person and also who would raise my children the way I wanted. I was able to tell based on the way they treated others and their faith and belief system. Did they love my children. I originally chose my one sisters and her husband but then changed my mind to my other sister. They are both parents now so I would probably be happy with either one of them now.

No one's perfect, of course, but we can't decide either! We decided against the grandparents because of health issues, but the rest of the relatives- ahhhh. It comes down to each of our sisters, but like you said, each has drawbacks. We're so conflicted about this, we haven't written a will yet. It's constantly on my mind, but we really don't like either choice. I guess it comes down to listing the pros and cons and who has the shorter list of cons. Even that's tough! I hope you can decide easier than we can!

Yes, we did so as soon as we had a baby.

I hope anyone who has decided will do so soon. You don't want your kids ending up in the "system" as wards of the state until custody and legal matters are straightened out.

I worked in foster care for abused and neglected children and every once in a while an orphan would pop in b/c there wasn't any place for that kid to go. Our program was designed for children from very harsh and extreme environments...it was no place for innocent kids from good and loving homes to be, but yet a few of them were b/c their parents never arranged for custody or had a will drawn up and we just happened to have room. So, those poor kids had to deal not only losing their parents but also had to deal w/the "dirty" side of life and humanity too. Believe me when I say you really don't want your kids to be a part of that if at all possible.

I agree - no one will love your kids the way you do. It is a a hard decision. Our first tier of custody are our siblings on both sides. They love our son equally and share the same beliefs and are good parents, as crazy as they are. Should anything happen to one or both, we turned to a great family we know from church who loves God as much as we do and has the same sense of humor, temperament and work ethic - things that are very important to us in raising our son.

gl!

There will no one perfect person.

My best friend, Judi, and my sister, Dee, are the trustees for our children should anything happen to both of us.

When I was traveling this past week with my girlfriend and her company - one of the couples do NOT travel on the same plane EVER unless they are all together. Really didn't think of that. I think it would be a tad hard but hey - it works for them!!

It's NEVER silly to worry about this. Stuff happens. If you are not prepared - your children will be wards of the state until someone steps up or a family member says "we'll take them"....please keep that in mind when you talk with your husband and tell him to stop thinking that it won't happen to us....remind him of the accident and how much worse it COULD have been...does he want your children to become wards of the state because he had the "it won't happen to us" mentality?

We chose my younger brother.

Many things went into deciding it. One he has only 1 child. So he wouldn't be too overwhelmed with 3 more. Plus our kids are closer to him than any other of the family members.
My older brother has 4 children and lives 12 hours away, we only see him e/o year. My husbands sister has 4 children, lives 2 hours away and we have only seen her twice in 5 years. Plus she is struggling the way it is. His older brother getting our 3 would seem like too much of a burden on thier "perfect" family and life. Plus we have only seen them a few times in the past 5 years. His younger brother has 3 kids... but would take our 3 in a heart beat! But they like to party too much in front of thier kids and have huge drinking parties and let thier kids run around during them. Not the inviroment we want our kids to grow up in.

Plus when talking about it, we also know that my brother would make a point of making sure the kids know my husbands side of the family and remained close with them. His family wouldn't do the same ( they wont drive the two hours to see us now, they wouldn't do it if something happened to us for the kids sake of seeing my family) . My younger brother is also still friends with my ex husband and would make sure to get my two with my ex so the kids could remain close as siblings. I know my husbands family wouldnt do that.

It came down to who would be the most responsible on keeping all the kids close as a family and who would be willing to keep the kids close to both sides of the family. Also who the kids are closer to.

We have talked to my sil about this also and even though we aren't super close, we would take her 4 kids. Mainly because of the same reasons.. she knows we would go out of our way to make sure the kids dad's family gets to see them. We would also be getting my older brothers 4 kids. My sil is an only child, both of her parents have passed and my brother said we know what it takes to raise large families. Her brothers have disabilities that would prevent them from taking good care of them.

My sister and my BIL will take custody of our kids if something happens to us. They are great parents, have a VERY large extended family in the area for support, run a few daycare centers, so I know the kids could go to their centers during the day, and my kids are very close with them.

Why not my parents?
#1 - They live 400 miles away
#2 - My dad has early stage lung cancer & my mom ignores her health problems, so who KNOWS what she might have
#3 - Their home is in no state for kids (borderline hoarders)
#4 - My youngest brother has a severe mental illness, my middle brother wouldn't be capable of handling them & isn't married, so I wouldn't want to impede his life, and my oldest brother is a police officer and first needs to find a wife.
#5 - My sis and BIL are, by far, the most responsible with money, so we trust that they will be good stewards of our life insurance & will take excellent care of our kids.
#6 - I know that my sister will raise the kids Catholic, as we are doing, and will provide them with a Catholic school education

I know your husband doesn't want to even discuss it, but he really needs to realize that bad things happen ALL THE TIME, and the last thing your kids would need if, God forbid, you passed away, would to be in the middle of a custody battle.

When my kids were younger we did as many do about what family member would get the kids. We decided that a friend of our would get our kids becuase she had the strengths and morals as we did and the energy. My parents were deceased and my mother-in-law did not fit the mold.

It is hard but it is best to have something in place just in case so that you know that they will be taken care of and safe. Otherwise you do become a "ward of the state" and someone is not looking out for the interest of your child as you would. Sometimes to person taking the children is in it for the money only. (Trust me I know about this.)

Do what you can and know that you did the best you could/can for your child.

The other S.

No one is perfect. I would imagine if you looked at yourselves from an outsiders point of view you might not considered yourselves and clearly you are the best parent for your kids, ya know?

I went with my brother. He is an attorney and we have to deal with an ex who is less than perfect. He is a good dad, his wife is amazing. Age is huge to me so no one older was considered. Once my oldest buys a home, settles down, we will probably ask him and if he accepts change our will. My oldest two are 21 and 23 and love their little sibs almost like parents. That and the younger ones are almost 13 and 11 so they are low maintenance. :)

I have 9 siblings and my husband has 2, and we decided on friends, not family to take in our kids. Things we considered:

age--I have siblings in their late 40s and 50s. While they would take my kids, they all have adult children, they are done raising kids. It is their time.
Finances--We have a lot of money in life insurance. I wanted to make sure that the people we choose are financially responsible so they will not go through all the money.
Kids of Their Own--My Sister has 4 kids, I'm not going to add 3 more kids and a dog to her family.
Distance--We wanted someone close to both families if we passed so our kids will be around family.
Social Beliefs--We wanted someone who shared our views of the world.

You will never find someone "good enough" to take your kids, and I think there is always drawbacks to everyone. You just have to decide if they are dealbreakers or not. The hardest one for me, was excluding my one sister. She is wonderful and would make a wonderful mom, but her husband is a complete jerk and is very disrespectful to my sister and I don't want my kids growing up thinking his behavior is okay.

We had some of the same problems. My sister insisted she never wanted kids, my husbands brother is a derelict, my dad is in poor health and my parents struggle financially, my inlaws don't really want to be parents again, the list went on and on. We did finally settle on some friends that we knew would be good parents, and who would make sure that my daughter was near my family....only to have that couple divorce and the girl move to Texas.

In the meantime my sister had a son, and has completely changed. She is so much happier and a better person. So if we die my daughter will go to her.

We both have wills and we have chosen my sister and BIL for our DD if anything horrible were to befall us. She has her big sibs (now 17 and 21) but we chose my sister and BIL because they are adults, established, and would make good choices. They also have a similar life-philosophy, parenting ideas, and religious preferences. If at the time of our demise a guardian for DD is needed and her brother steps up, then I'm OK with that, but we didn't want to saddle a younger person. We didn't pick my mom or his parents because we felt that a younger couple would better handle the challenges of a child.

It is, IMO, silly NOT to think about it. DH and I both have term life insurance that would pay off the house and give the surviving spouse some money to take care of the family in the event one of us dies.

DH's friend was only 49 when he died of cancer. I have a friend now in his 30s with a kid on the way and a 6 yr old and he was just diagnosed with leukemia. We all hope he survives and sees his grandkids, but life throws all sorts of things at you and you need to at least think about it.

If no one is "perfect" (my BIL is a little serious and I hope his own son gets him to lighten up a little), then pick the best choice and hope you never use it. My sister's godparents were actually our father's sister and BIL and after the divorce, well, that was no longer going to be the best idea. Mom changed her will so that my sister's guardian would have been her brother (our uncle). It was never needed, but you can change if you need to.

I'm using godparent and guardian interchangeably but they don't have to be.

i think that no one would ever be "perfect" - no one would be you. i would choose someone that is already close to my son, who i could trust to have his best interests at heart. my first choice is my mom. we have "godparents" but those are more a spiritual role, and symbolic. i think that having someone set in stone (even if they are not a perfect choice) would probably be better than being gone and your family having to decide for you/them.

I think about it all the time! I can't stand the fact that we don't have a plan and that it's not written in stone.

We decided no grandparents due to age....our daughters are 4 and 19 months. I also don't agree with a lot of the old school philosophy of child rearing.

That leaves 3 brothers on my side, 1 sister on his side, and 2 step-brothers on his side. Out of the 3 single people, 2 are mental (IMO), and the 3rd would be a good contender depending on if he remarries a nice gal. That leaves 3 others with spouses - 2 of which I get along with the wives.

Between the 2 of them, they each have kids close in age to ours, but our oldest would be too close in age to each of their's. AND, then there are the differences in lifestyles. UGH!

We have moved so many times that that has made a huge difference. When we lived up in MN, I actually decided on a friend of mine - very similar in lifestyles and perspectives. Then we moved to Indiana. That's too far away to really know if that would be the best choice.

We have the discussion almost every 2 weeks....it weighs on my mind that much!

GOOD LUCK!!! I get it, sister!

We wrote our original will when I was pregnant with our first not only because it's the right thing to do, but because I worked at a law firm so it was easy peasy for us. Back then I had my parents listed as DH's entire family is somewhat....unreliable to say the least & my sister was only 17 years old. About 7 years ago I changed it from my parents to my sister & her husband as my parents are 61 & 56 years old now, but my sister is 30 & her husband is 37 so that's a better fit.

Are they perfect? No. Would they love my kids like they were their own? Absolutely. On the flip-side, my husband & I are listed on my sister & BIL's will to take their kids & we're fine with that.

In your case I would say you need to pick a couple (or single adult) with a solid foundation who shares the same morals & values as you & your husband. Chose someone who already loves your kid(s), but talk to them first so they're not shocked & thrown into something unexpected should, God forbid, this ever come to pass.

We still don't know, either. We have FOUR kids, so not only would I try to find someone who I'd find a good parent/match... but one that wants and can handle that many.

It's tough... but we are not limiting it to just family. There are a couple friends that we have considered. I don't know- there are drawbacks. You have to ask them if they could/would do it. What if they said "no"? Or what if they said "yes" and wanted to say "no"?

someone's finances were not a determining factor. to me, the most important thing was who would love my kids as much or close as i love them. hands down it would be either my sister and her husband or my brother and his wife. we have decided to go with my sister and her husband.
i say financially it didn't matter because we will leave everything we have to the girls, so they and whoever would be taking care of them would not suffer and financial difficulties.

When our children were small, we made our wills and asked some very dear friends (college friends) if they would be the legal back-ups. I'm sad to say that we asked friends to do this because we didn't want our children to be raised by our relatives. These friends were not exactly like us, but they were the closest to us in values and in religion, AND they were happy to assume the potential responsibility which would have added four children to their family. I'm thankful they didn't have to assume tht responsibility in real life, but I'm so glad they were there if needed.

It's the sort of thing that can almost make you superstitious: "If I actually plan in case something bad will happen, then something bad will happen." However, you actually take these steps so something *good* can happen. Over the years I have heard stories about what happens when people don't plan ahead and put it in writing. It's not like the old books and movies - loving family and friends don't step in and decide what will happen to the children. The state decides! And state governments don't give a hoot for anyone's *wishes*. (The same applies for dying without a will.) Even if Cousin Bertha finally decides your child can live at her house, it won't be allowed unless the government consents, because in the absence of a guardianship appointment your child will belong to the state. If you haven't written things down in a legal fashion, no one's desires will matter. That's another good reason to make the plans yourself, NOW.

We actually choose a friend. It's actually the long term girlfriend of one of my husbands childhood friends. They are NOT married. I have come to know her as one of my best friends. She is honest and hard working and loves being with the kids. Her and her boyfried have never had kids, they have been together over 10 years. Note - the will is to just her, not both of them, so if they did split, she would take the kids. We chose her because we know that she would put the kids FIRST. We know that she would make sure that they turn into great adults and push them to their fullest with lots of love and fun along the way!!!!! AND she would manage their money for them in a good honest way.

I was a "late bloomer" and didn't have my first until I was 40. That being said, my nieces and nephews were all 9 or older when my first was born, which means my sisters would potentially have that many more years of child-rearing. Largely for that reason, we chose a dear friend who has children the same ages as ours.

This is such a hard choice...we have chosen my parents, as they live close by and a very involved in the kids' lives. We are guardians for the children of close friends...we have known each other since the oldest (now 13) were babies. All of their family lives out of state, so were the worst to happen, not only would the kids lose their parents but would also have to leave their homes and school, etc. I think value systems and like parenting styles are important obviously, but no match will be perfect. We go to church, for example, and our friends don't. They are more outdoorsy than we (we are more likely to be at the museum on the weekend, they would be hiking). But we love their kids and would welcome them to our home. Similarly, my parents are older and have trouble getting around sometimes, but they love the kids and other people can pick up the other pieces. GL-it's a tough decision.

My husband didn't want to discuss this topic but he indicated he was fine with whatever I decided. I weighed our family on both sides and selected my SIL on my husband's side. I considered factors like financial responsibility, integrity, honesty, parenting styles, personalities and just general good heartedness. My choice came down to my SIL and her husband because they are a young couple with a good head on their collective shoulders. They are hardly perfect but I wanted honest, decent people who would do their very best by our son.

I did ask my SIL if they were okay with being designated guardians. She talked to her husband first and then came back saying they were fine with my request. She also took the opportunity to let me know they had selected her brother and his wife to be guardians of their child. I think asking her permission and hearing who they had designated as their own guardian provided comfort and full knowledge all around.

We also have a backup guardian in place just in case and we will periodically revisit this issue since people and circumstances do change. Sometimes in life you make decisions based on 'just in case' since you don't want to be caught unawares. No one wants to discuss the uncomfortable but you have to at the very least for the sake of your children.

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I think it's important to choose someone your child already knows well and is comfortable with. Also, someone who knows you well and could consider how you would want different issues to be handled.

I have one brother and my husband is an only child. We thought initially that we had to choose family. The problem was they are childless so it would be a big imposition. Also, they are very different from us - we are conservative, they are liberal, we go to church, they do not, we live in the midwest, they live on the west coast. They are very happy being childless, so taking on our kids would be a huge change for them, one they might resent. After a lot of thought, we re-wrote our will and had one of our good friends as the potential guardian. We know she will raise our girls as we would wish, going to church, being involved in 4-H, etc. She is an amazingly loving, giving person and we know she will care for the girls as we would wish. She was the next best thing to us we could choose.
I would say look at your values and wishes for your children's upbringing and future. Then, look at those around you who fit that, whether they are family or not. Hopefully, this is completely for nothing, but there was no way we wanted the court to decide who care for our children if we both died.

My daughter is 12. My husband and I drew up a will with a lawyer before she turned 1 year old. We don't ever want to think about anything bad happening to anyone, but the truth is that it does happen to people every day. It's not likely that both parents will die in an accident or something, but it CAN happen so you need to make sure that YOU choose who will take custody of your child in that case. For us, it was a fairly easy choice - my oldest sister lives close by and we have a very close relationship with her. She has similar values to ours. She is a second mother to our daughter and we know it was the right choice. In a perfect world, everyone's choice would be that easy - but it's not. But you HAVE to choose someone. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing I hadn't made that choice. Try to explain to your husband that you don't want to leave it up to the courts or the state to make the choice for you.

Having both of my parents deceased in my adult life, and being a single mother (my son's father lives out of the country and has no desire to have anything to do with him), I was forced to choose when he was born. When I got him baptized, I originally asked one of my brothers and his wife to be his godparents, and they didn't feel comfortable with it (they had a 7 year old at the time) for whatever reason. My other brother was remarried after a divorce, and had 4 kids through both of his marriages. I knew and still to this day know if anything happened to me, he would take care of my son. However, it would be more of a burden to him and his family and I wanted someone who welcomed my son with open arms. That is why I chose my closest friend. She is like a sister to me. Her daughter, who is 5 years older than my son, is like a sister to my son. She is now happily married and expecting her 2nd child, and I re-evaluated it with her and her just after she got married. She assured me that she would not have it any other way and neither would her husband. They both love him and enjoy him, and they both reflect the kind of upbringing I would want him to have.

It is a very personal decision. No one is perfect. I wouldn't be perfect to raise someone else's child, because I am not THEM. But for me, it was more about openness and parenting style than going only to family.

Best of luck to you in your decision!

We had a similar problem as you, but we finally got a great option based on 2 things: a female relative and the way she’s raising her own kids.
To be honest, our closest relative is my husband's brother since I'm an only child, but amongst other things I thought that its usually the female of the house the one that ends up taking care of things as a mother figure (even most full time working females), so it will be her background and values that my kids would get (I don't know her or her family that well) and if my BIL ever divorced, my kids wouldn't even have a relation with who they would see as a mother figure and would have to stay with my BIL, not his wife.
On the other hand, this other female family member is close to me, she’s doing a fantastic job raising her own kids (and my kids adore their cousins), she’s married to a good man who’s an involved parent and she’s the type of person that would have great interaction with my husband’s side of the family also, so the kids would grow up being in touch with both sides of the family.
Good luck to you, I know it’s one of the hardest decisions to make.

When we made our decision we took into consideration who would honor our wishes and raise our children in the manner we are raising our children. We also thought about what if any burden we would be placing on them if we chose them as the guardians. We did not want to strap someone financially, because they would be raising our children. My sister chose us to be her childrens guardians, we were honored that she felt we could handle and raise her children. Although I don't think it has to be family, it can be a friend that you feel has the same values you and your husband have. Good luck and yes, it definitely is best to have something in writing, you just never know.