My 12 year old has been struggling in school this year. She is very bright, and in past years her grades have been very good. In my heart and mind, I am 100% sure she has ADHD Inattentive. DH also has had to work to overcome this his whole life. He is very successful. His view is that this condition is a hinderance that one has to acknowledge is a personal weakness and create ways to work around it, use tools and put in the effort to function and succeed. He is opposed to labeling her (doesn't want her to use a label as an excuse) and is very opposed to putting her on medication. Please no judgements on that, I am also not comfortable with going that direction either. So my question is what more can we do as parents to help her focus in school? Part of me wants to make a call to her school advisor, but what to say? I don't want to seem like I'm making an excuse for her poor performance. I wonder what the school counselor can even do short of encouraging me to go to a doctor and put her on medication? Can anyone share with me non-drug strategies that have worked for your child if you have a child with ADHD inattentive? Rules or routines at home? Diet changes? Working with middle school teachers?
Thank you all for your advice. Yesterday I made a call to her school homeroom advisor to share my concerns. The advisor is going to make all of her teachers aware that she is struggling with these issues in every class, get some feedback and info from all of her teachers, and let them know we are working very hard to help her. It is a small school, I do believe they will be caring and willing to help. The guidance counselor will also observe and check on her. I am trying to learn all I can. I know I need to get her to her pediatrician soon too. We have a wonderful pediatrician who is on vacation now, but I will talk to her when I bring my younger daughter in a couple of weeks to get her advice on how to proceed with this child, my older DD. My DH is a huge obstacle. Of course, he knows one person whose kid didn't do well on ADHD meds, and he never took them himself so he is staunchly opposed to considering that. He gets really irritated when I try to discuss it. I can't blame him, I get so paniced in my urgency to "fix" this, I don't always sound very rational in my parenting, especially when I get into a micromanaging role with my DD. He says I need to back off her and let her work on taking more responsibility for herself. I'm working to gather the professional info to help convince him she needs more help. This is hard, I can't just railroad through him on this major issue. I wish it were as easy just telling him, even in he doesn't agree, that my girls need more than one swimsuit, so I bought what then need for summer. I cannot convince him myself, he needs to hear more feedback. I shutter to think of it but it may have to get worse for my DD at school before it can get better. She will likely lose her volleyball eligibility next week unless by some mathematical miracle her make up work offsets her current grades. She doesn't believe this will happen to her, but I don't see how it will not happen. This was unthinkable last year. She was a straight A student. Anyway, DH needs to see what happens after we take all the steps and at home to reduce distractions, help her organize and stay on task. He's not going to jump into any kind of treatment until he sees if she can turn it around herself. Maybe she can. She is capable. She's always done well in the past. It's going to take a little time. Laurie, I know you are right. She is a child that wants so badly to do better, I'm not going to give up on her or watch her give up on herself. I will update you as things progress. Thank you for sending me strength, we are going to need it.
My daughter needed something to "fidget" with in order to pay attention..... find if there is something small she could hold or finger to help her pay attention. Let the teachers know what you are doing, though, or they may continually try to take her "toy" away!
Start with doing some real research on ADD and ADHD. Get a better understanding of it for yourself before jumping to conclusions that she either has it and it needs to be medicated or not. Her body is going through some major changes right now and hormonally her brain is growing and shifting.
Talking to a doctor (one you trust) is a good idea and does not mean you automatically end up on meds. It might mean that you adjust her diet. We had some blood work done on our daughter and found that her diet was out of balance. Adding an Ensure to her routine mid day really did wonders for her ability to manage school both intellectually and emotionally.
It sounds like you may need to start on a fact finding mission before you make any decisions. Good luck.
I work with children with this and all I can say is if it is severe enough that there is a recommendation for medication then seriously think about it. Talk to your child. For every parent who believes that they (the child) are able to control it without medication, there is a child who is being made fun of by others, there are people who are desperately trying to teach them, keep their attention and get them through school with comfort instead of sadness, anguish and pain. The children who are in this situation are totally aware of the fact that they do not have control. Their bodies are betraying them and if there are any diets that can solve this, or exercises I am pleading for parents to post them. I go home daily with stomachaches wishing I could have helped just a little more, but can see that sometimes, just a mild something-helps them concentrate. And if you could see how happy they are when they are successful you might rethink it. But sometimes we think our children are 'something'...In this case you said ADHD but there are a lot of other things that could be going on. So, without medication, just start doing things like altering diet, etc. you might be surprised. Find out what activities she could be involved with and sign her up. sometimes that's all you need.
Diets don't work with ADHD, if a diet works it was never ADHD!
All four of my kids fall on the spectrum but my older two did very well with meds and coping techniques. Their school was never officially made aware or labeled them. The only time the school has to be brought in is if you need them to help as in an IEP. So with my older two other than doctor's records there is nothing that says they have ADHD.
The other amazing thing is they stopped taking their meds in fifth grade after they had mastered the skills. They continued to hold their GPA above 3.5 and were no trouble to the teachers.
I know you are against meds but you may want to consider going on meds and take her to someone who can teach her coping skills. The meds make your brain work, oh I am on them I can tell you there is a huge difference! By putting her on meds with a plan to take her off you she will be able to learn to cope with it. I recommend this because even a medicated kid, with structure is going to have a hard time with college. With only a few coping skills that require supervision because they were never able to internalize them, it will be an epic fail.
My son is almost 18 and has been on medication for ADHD since he was 7. He has tried to go off his medication, but he can't focus on anything. It didn't change his personality except to make it easier on him and everyone else to be around him. Even on the medication, he still has some issues if he is stuck in the house for very long. As long as he can be outside and working on something, it isn't too bad, but he has to keep busy.
Talk to her teachers and see what they think. They may have some ideas on how to help her. If they think she has ADHD, get her to a doctor and at least get the diagnosis, then the school can do more to help her, even if you don't do medication.
At least with my experience with the teachers in my area, they really didn't care if my child wasn't doing well in school. I had to contact them to find out what was going on. Be proactive, don't wait, get in touch with her advisor and teachers. Once they realize that you are an involved parent, they may be more open to share their thoughts regarding your daughter with you.
If you do not get her a label the school can not help. Many adhd/add kids do not qualify for school assistance with out the lable because they are sometimes "not bad enough." My son has Adhd, gets help from the school and is NOT on medication because he has tools that the school has provided to assist him. This is not a weakness, this is a part of her as a person and there are bonuses to living with Adhd/add if you can look at them the right way. My son is only 5 and has shown signs of Adhd for as long as I can remember, my nephew has it (13) and his older brother add (17), and this child has more life and energy than I know what to do with - good thing he knows what to do with himself, most of the time! My son gets frustrated, not because his adhd is a problem but because NO ONE else can keep up! His friends in school have it too and they are wonderful for eachother because they speak the same language - they are on the same 10 thoughts ahead of each other and we moms just can not keep up! It confuses and amuses me to see where one thought can take them - their world is more open than ours simiply because of the speed of their thoughts vs ours. Get your daughter "labled" so she can get the help she needs in learning how to slow it down when she needs to, but encourage her to run wild when she CAN.
My son was diagnosed with ADHD inattentive. His issues are not related to hyperactivity...it all has to do with maintaining attention and focus. We also found out that he had poor muscle strength and coordination along with dysgraphia. We chose not put him on medication because there were no behavior problems, he was just not doing well in school because he wasn't following through on assignments. We put a lot of focus on diet, exercise and strength training. Those things along with another year of maturity have done a lot for him. He isn't the star student, but he is passing everything and taking more responsibility for his own work. For a while I monitored all of his assignments and we reviewed what needed to be done every day. He also used a voice recorder to document what his assignments were in class each day instead of writing in a planner.
Well if she cannot focus on her regular work, how do you think she can focus to learn new coping skills?
I have said this 100's of times on here.
I have known my husband since he was 13. He also is ADHD. He and his parents went round and round for all of his school years because he could not focus and could not follow through. This has caused a lifetime of problems between them.
This first reason is he overheard his mother ask a doctor if he was "retarded". The second was his father refused to allow him to take any medications and felt the whole thing was an excuse and he would "grow out of it".. He dd not want my husband t be stigmatized with a learning disability.. They now call it learning difference.
What did this lead too? Low self esteem/ Struggles in school. A lack of understanding from his teachers and he was not able to make it in college.
He can tell you how anything works, but he cannot sit down and write it out."Takes too long and it is boring."
He could pass the tests in school, but could not/would not do the homework.. Or he would be forced to do the homework and never turn it in!!!! He would forget or just become distracted on the way.
The good news is that He is successful at any job he has ever had. But they were all jobs where everyday is different. Different projects, different people.. etc. But he has never reached his potential, because when he loses interest.. he is done.
I am like his assistant. My husband has NO understanding of time. It is just not there ans is never going to be there. He has a watch, a pager, a fancy cell phone, his ipad, his computer.. all using different types of calendars and alarms.. and he still can forget or get sidetracked very easily. I also keep a calendar and I have o tell him over and over about events.. or whatever.
Example, even when he lived with his parents and now that we have been married 30 years. Trash day has ALWAYS been on Friday. He still cannot remember this. I can leave a post it note on the bathroom mirror, the front door his keys, his helmet.. 1 out of 10 times will it make it to the curb. And each time he is sheepishly apologetic that he forgot. But this is our life.
And so I have begged him to go and get help, but he refuses.. He feels that is a weakness or proof that something is wrong with him.
Just because something works for your husband, does not mean it is working for your daughter.
Sometimes as moms, we have to make the executive decision and do what we know in our mommy hearts and brains are best for our children. Help your daughter reach her potential. She deserves to start off on an even playing field.
This is not a diet thing, or every person with ADHD would be doing it.
I am sending you strength and clarity.
My son was labelled by the school "Autism Spectrum" when he was younger and put on IEP. He is now in 6th grade and is more ADD with some anxiety. We never chose to put him on drugs. There is so much change that happens in the growing brain of a young person that things come and go and they change so much. We have taken my son to a doctor who measured his vitamin/mineral levels as well as candida ( yeast) and put him on supplements, this helped a lot ( need to test him for allergies yet). How, I am looking at integrative pediatric medicine to address his anxiety. I suggest to work with the school, doctors who are open to alternate approaches. Medication takes the coping strategies away for most people and they get dependent on it. It should be reserved for really difficult cases, in my opinion.
ADHD symptoms usually show up by the time a child is 7 yrs. old. If you're just seeing symptoms in the past year or so, your daughter does not have ADHD. She may be dyslexic, have iron deficiency (which would make it hard to concentrate), have a learning disability, etc. You need to get her tested by a pyschologist first to determine what the problem is.
I agree with your husband in "facing the facts", however, I strongly disagree about not taking medication. If your daughter has ADHD, medication is the ONLY thing that will help with that. Medication will not solve every issue but it will usually help with focusing.
ADHD is a known medical problem. If you or your husband were diabetic, would you take your insulin? ADHD is no different. Treating it with meds is the only way your daughter wil be able to focus and function relatively well in life.
Take her to your doctor and get the ball rolling. Get her tested and figure out what is really going on. If she gets a diagnosis, then you can get her help, and it doesn't have to be meds. She might need OT or therapy or something else. And if you have a diagnosis, you can do a 504 plan with the school and they will have to make accomodations to help her.
