Parenting Advice Needed

I have 2 sons. My second was born when my oldest (Zach) was 2 1/2 years old. He started acting out almost immediately. He tried hitting the baby one day and I almost lost it! I guess it's a mother's instinct to protect the ones that can't protect themselves. In the last year he has gone from talking real words to backtracking and talking like his little brother. "DaDa or MaMa instead of Mommy/Mom or Daddy/Dad". He's wanted to wear diapers. He's wanted to have a bottle back. All of these things were not given into. We have consistently told him that he is the "big boy" and he has to act like a big boy so he can teach Nick to be a big boy. He likes the role of being teacher. Zach has taken to showing the "right" way to play with toys, read books to him, get toys for him that he can't reach. It has gotten much better but we still run into problems. You just have to take one problem at a time and work on it. There is absolutely no hitting allowed in our house, for any reason whatsoever. I would just remove her from the situation if she hits, maybe put her in her room and just shut the door until she calms down. When Zach refused to eat, we would just let her play and she had to learn the hard way that when it's time to eat, he better eat or go hungry. It only took him a couple of nights to realize he didn't like that rule at all! And going without dinner for a couple of nights isn't going to starve them or do detrimental emotional damage. But it will teach them that you mean what you say. As far as the screaming goes, if you are at home, take her to her room. When my son has fits like that, he goes to his room and can scream all he wants but cannot come out until he's quiet. A few times he didn't stay in there so I put him back in (yes he was quite upset with me about that) and I held the doorknob so he couldn't get out until he calmed down. Anyway, hope this gives you some ideas on how to help your situation. You could also read the book "How to Make the Terrible Two's Terrific" by John Rosemond. The book works very well with three year olds too. Best of luck, Jen

It took a long time for all the toddlers in my mommy group to settle into the new routine with their new babies. Normally warm hearted darlings went postal for quite some time... Did the baby bring your toddler a present? That worked well with most, reassuring the position of the toddler that there are still things going her way. Keep the faith, we're never given what we can't handle.

i had a similar problem with my daughter when my son was born.

i started having my daughter help me care for my son. it helped amazingly. then she was a part of what was going on. i had her do little things - "get mommy a clean diaper. can you bring the wipes? we have to change the baby's bottom. he's messy." then i would let her open the diaper and hand me wipes and hand me the clean diaper.

when the baby was about 2 months old, i started letting her put the clean diaper under his bottom and close the diaper too. she never was big on cleaning him though - so i got that job. she learned to be quick with the diaper too.

also when my son took a nap, i spent time with just my daughter. then she was the center of my attention again. when the baby woke, she was not so nasty about having to divide my attention because she got to help. she was the big sister and got to help take care of the baby. she had an important job to do for the baby.

what you are describing really is simple jealousy. she was the center of attention and now there is a baby taking attention from her - and she does not like it. so she's telling you in the only way she knows how - by acting out. involve your older daughter in the care of your younger daughter - it works. let her hold the bottle while you feed the baby. let her get the diaper and wipes. teach her how to change the diaper and clean the baby's bottom. these are things she'll need to know later in life anyway. if you breast feed, let her sit with you and talk to her about the baby.

my mom will attest to the truth of the statement - involve the older with the care of the younger. she tells me that i was happy about my sister until she was born and then i was horrid. mom's solution was to let me help with the care of my baby sister and then she became my baby. even as we got older, mom could not discipline my sister because i would get between them and protect her. i did everything for her. she was my living baby doll. and i was the one who would care for her and that's true today - she's 32, i'm 35, we are both married and have children of our own. if she needs something, she calls and i do what i can for her. she's still my baby sister.

I would think it had to do with being a part of it all. Get her involved with the care of the baby. She may be jealous but if she can feel what you feel for the baby (being careful with her, holding her, etc.) your daughter might in turn feel as though she is a part of the care of the baby too. Let her help wipe the baby, or when you feed the baby, let your daughter hold her. Just little things like that and you will see the difference.

Hi D.

Because of your daughter's age, you would be able to give her a little responsibility concerning the baby with you there. Something like: learning to hold her or offer her a soft toy to look at or start the mobile music when she goes down for her nap and then your daughter gets to spend time with you. Maybe reading one of her books to the baby while the baby is nursing or taking milk. I guess, mostly find a way to involve her in some little things, that you could make her special job and with that involvement might come more sweetness. The other proven thing to do is pray for her and ask God to guide you, if you are a believer, you will be given the guidance you seek. Hope this helps.
D.

When my 2nd daughter was born 2 years ago in Nov. my older daughter was 3yrs10months. She was very jealous at feedings, bath and diaper changes when the "baby" got all my attention. For feedings I got a few activities that she was never allowed to do because I thought she was to little. I sat her down and we had a little talk that she was a big sister now and although Sara took some of mommy's time, being a big sister gave her special previlages! I only let her do these things when I was spending time with the baby, so after a while if the baby cried and she wanted to do one of her special activities she would be saying "feed Sara, feed Sara, Mommy she's hungry!", even if she may have just eaten. I'm not a big fan of Playdough, so that was one of the activities, so was water paints. For the babies baths I would let her Shower like a big girl, like mommy. I would wash the baby on the counter in my bathroom and let her "play in the rain in my shower".
Hope some of this works. My challanges now that Sara turned 2 and Julia will be 6 is that Julia doesn't want to hurt Sara so Sara takes full advantage by just taking stuff from Julia.

The other advice you have gotten is great. If you feel like a counselor would help you and your husband to control your anger better, by all means, go for it. What she's doing is normal. She's 3. That's a tricky age and now she has to deal with a huge change. Remember this... she will remember how she's treated, the baby will not. So if she REALLY needs some attention, let the baby hang out in the crib for a few minutes longer. Luckily newborns are pretty content on being left alone for a good portion of their time. The real tough part comes later, when the baby starts moving around more and playing with toys that may be her big sisters. My younger two are a little over 2 years apart and since they're fairly close together and both boys, they have the same interest in toys. Which makes for lots of arguements over sharing. But it does get better. Stick out and and try to be as patient as possible.

I would recommend talking to her in an age-appropriate way, as much as possible. She is afraid, which is why she's acting out and needs you to reassure her that you still love her as much as you did when it was only her and letting her know that her new sister will change things a little bit now, but that she will always be your first and biggest girl! Also, if you haven't done it already, I recommend getting the book called "The Way I Feel" for her, so you and your husband can read to give and give her "names" for her feelings. I would also suggest that you talk to her and demonstrate appropriate ways to release her anger, frustration and fear, such as stomping around (marching like a dinosaur), singing and dancing and acting silly, and even to give her one thing in your house that is acceptable for her to hit (but only one and not a person). We have a big stuffed frog chair that my daugther knows she's allowed to hit. When she does act out and hit me, I remind her that if she's feeling angry or frustrated, she is only allowed to hit her frog chair. This way, at least, she has a way to get rid of those feelings and something that she knows she won't be scolded for. Try to remember that it will only make it worse when you get angry with her, b/c in effect, you are telling her that her feelings are wrong or bad, when they are really very normal. It's just the way she's letting it out that's inappropriate, but until you teach her another way, that's all she has.

I would switch from punishment to calm talking as soon as possible, with both you and your husband and try some of the strategies mentioned above before moving on to therapy. She just loves you guys so much and you'd been her entire world... she's just afraid that too much is changing (b/c everything is) and now that you're angry with her, to her, it means it's coming true, her worst fears.

Good luck,
K.

I had the same issue initially with my then 2 and half year old daughter and her new baby brother. She was never mean to him, but started acting out and being physical mostly with me. She was also really whiny and attention seeking. We too tried to spend individual time with her and include her in the care of the baby. It didn't really seem to work at first, but eventually, she started coming around. It did take about 2-3 months though. She still has very occasional episodes where she gets jealous like that but they are getting fewer and farther between and not as intense. My son is 7 months old now. Her behavior has returned to that of her previous (mostly) sweet self and she is an awesome big sister and helper. It will get better, just remember she is doing it to gain your attention not out of spite or meanness. Staying calm and dealing with things rationally are the toughest challenge, but it will pass. Good luck! BTW, not having any sleep just makes it that much harder, but that will improve as well!

I know your pain. Try the book- "I'm 3 yrs old by me" It's a great book.