Others Not Understanding "Attachment Parenting"

I dont even know it is called AP but I came from the islands of south east asia. Very uncivilized and my mom do her chores with us in her arms most of the time. She breastfed long term and slept with mommy and daddy till 12! I am 26 now and away from home for about 5 years. Guess what, if there is anything in the world that I would want right now, that would be my mom, dad and siblings singing karaoke and sleeping in the carpet all together! I have sacrificed everything for them so I could give them better life. That's what brought me to United States!

do what you like...who cares what others say!!! you rule!!! my son was pushing 5 when he self weened and still was sleeping with me. it's the best ever!!! he is such a better, more independent person because of it. trust YOU!!!!!

Good for you! Keep it up and try to ignore them, don't doubt what you're doing, it's all fantastic! Although I often would email this site to anyone who balked at my ideas www.awareparenting.com and let them read about it so I wouldn't have to engage in discussions over it. But when I do I just say I love what we are doing and leave it at that. Good luck!

first of all, i want to let you know that by doing what you and your husband feel is right is one of the best things you can do for your daughter.

research has changed so many things that do today. in this century alone there have been so many more developments than over several centuries in the past.

i think all parents will always have their opinion. but there is so much positive research and information on the choices you have made. so don't let anyone make you feel bad for what you are doing. they have been proven to be more beneficial practices of parenting and are what most people around the WORLD practice. so who are we here in america to say that those practices don't work. look at what some of our nation has come to--health wise and crime. you just don't see those problems in others countries.

but anyways, here's an email that my sister sent out to help spread attachment parenting with our family--caregivers to her son. p.s. i hope the links transfer through. if not, email me and I'll try and send it to you another way if you like.

I've been reading up on attachment parenting, and I like the approach. Since it applies to all caregivers of a child, I thought you may be interested in this info too.

Attachment parenting is a parenting style that is based on the developmental psychology attachment theory. It theorizes that a secure attachment during infancy and childhood will lead to adults who have less stress (including less physical signs of stress like lower blood pressure), more balanced emotions and emotional security, and better relationships. Supposedly the brain becomes hard wired during the first year, therefore the way parenting influences development during the first year has a permanent impact on that child's brain development.

There are 8 principles of attachment parenting outlined on this site. But the main behaviors associated with attachment parenting are breastfeeding on cue, co-sleeping, and babywearing (carrying baby in a sling, carrier, or holding as much as possible). All things that make the infant feel secure.

Babywearing promotes nurturing touch, which stimulates growth-promoting hormones, improves intellectual and motor development, and helps regulate babies' temperature, heart rate, and sleep/wake patterns. Babies who receive nurturing touch gain weight faster, nurse better, cry less, are calmer, and have better intellectual and motor development. Cultures high in physical affection, touch, holding or carrying, rate low in adult physical violence. Skin-to-skin contact is especially effective. Carrying, or babywearing using a soft carrier, meets a baby's need for physical contact, comfort, security, stimulation and movement, all of which encourage neurological development. Caregivers should be conscious to avoid the overuse of devices designed to hold a baby independently, such as swings, jumpers, plastic carriers, and strollers.

This is a scientific article that describes some of the differences between cultures who practice a lot of babywearing (Africa) vs Western styles of parenting that use more isolation of infants. Although it seems that the western style of communicating with infants may be better for promoting communication skills. The end of the pdf has a media article that puts it in more laymans terms. This site offers other references for benefits of babywearing. This is the abstract for another scientific article that showed a positive effect of babywearing. I think it's pretty cool. We have several slings that you all can use if you want to carry Kalyan that way.

Obviously breastfeeding can only be done by mom. But it's also important for dads and other caregivers to mimic breastfeeding behavior when feeding with a bottle. Some of the techniques that can be used in bottle feeding are:

* Hold the baby when bottle feeding, positioning the bottle alongside the breast
* Maintain eye contact, talk softly and lovingly
* Switch positions from one side to another
* Feed on cue and avoid schedules
* Pacifiers satisfy a baby's sucking need. Hold the baby or child in the feeding position when he uses the pacifier
* Associate the bottle and pacifier with being held and having undivided attention, so that it doesn't become a transitional object
* Wean from the bottle as one would wean from the breast

This won't be needed for a while with Kalyan, but this site has good tips on how to discipline a child. That's all for now!

ok, i can see that the links didn't go through, so just let me know if you want them.

Egad, yes, that is common with extended family or Grandparents. Yes, it can be irritating.

Is this their "first" grandchild/niece etc.? If so, this is a common thing for others to "tell" you what to do.

You can't "make" others to "accept" your choices or style of Parenting. It's YOUR choice to raise your baby the way you see fit... this is not up to others. It is your choice... and you do not need "approval" for it. If you always want approval for your choice of child raising, then it will always cause frustration. Have confidence in your and your Hubby's parenting... then it will emanate and you won't have to "explain" yourself or feel you have to. Others can "disagree" with you, but so what, so be it. If the Grandparents do this, just keep saying "thank you, but we have our own way, and the Pediatrician is pleased..."

It will take time... but anytime extended family/Grandparents "tell" you or Hubby what to do with the baby...just politely say "Thanks, but we have our own way. Our Pediatrician is very pleased..." Just keep repeating that... over time and with repetition... others will get the hint.

They obviously do NOT understand baby development...nor, is this "their" baby. It is NORMAL AND COMMON with every baby that they cry when Mommy is not there or not holding her. THE BABY IS BONDED WITH YOU. Not them. ALL babies go through "separation anxiety"...

NO, do NOT doubt yourself. STICK to your guns and your way of raising your baby...otherwise, there will be resentment and they will make you insecure.

It is between you and your Husband. Period. You have to display your "boundaries." Either you please them...or you please your baby. It's a choice... not an "obligation" to the extended family.

Also, you don't have to tell them everything about your baby or feel you have to "report" to them about everything. There is a difference between "private" and "public" family information... for us, (even though Grandma lives with us), we keep our own nuclear family things private. Otherwise, "outsiders" will feel they can chime in on everything having to do with your child. It is a "habit" that you create with the extended family/Grandparents... and if you "encourage" a "habit" of them being "able" to chime in & critique on everything to do with your baby, then they will- Because it is "allowed." With my Mom, we "tell" my Mom in a civil way what to do with OUR baby/children. She now understands that WE are the "Parents", not her. But it takes time, and patience.

You can't expect others to "approve" or "okay" your way of raising your child... that is not what they are there for. So don't expect to get a consensus on every little thing that has to do with your baby. YOU are the Mom. And you need to remember that and don't let them control your baby/Mothering.

For Me and Hubby, we co-slept too, and we never let our babies cry it out, and I breastfed and "let" my kids self-wean and we never spanked either. So be it. I do not look for "approval" on my Mothering with my children. My Mom, being an older generation, is much less "attachment" oriented. But we are different. So be it. We never even told her that we co-sleep... why should we? It's our "private" business. My oldest child, my girl, breastfed until she self-weaned at 2.5 years old...my Mom at first would tell me "isn't she too old to nurse..." and nag me. So be it. I just told her I have my own way. My Hubby believed in self-weaning as well. We did things with our own approaches. So be it. Not every extended family member or Grandparent will "approve"...but so what? You don't have to "air" your every personal detail about how you raise your baby, to everyone.

Anyway, sorry for rambling... but just stick to your and your Hubby's decisions. MAIN thing, is that you and Hubby are a "team" about it and are on the same page. If his family "nags" him about how "you" raise the baby... he must back YOU up, and visa versa. Then that way, outsiders/extended family/Grandparents will be less inclined to meddle in your family and with your baby.

All the best,
Susan

*as a side note: when my girl got older & was talking well, from about 2 years old... we taught her to say "I have to ask Mommy/Daddy first..." to my Mom/Grandma. My Mom tended to tell my girl things and "allow" her things, that we would not allow or want. Thus, this was a good way for us and my girl to be less "confused" about WHO to "listen" to when our Parenting was dismissed... and for a child they can sometimes get "confused" as to WHO to listen to.... or "who" the "PARENT" is. So for us, this worked. And, my daughter understood completely. But we always still taught her about "respect" toward her Grandma and manners.

Okay, I feel your pain!

I didn't know what kind of 'parenting' I wanted to do until the moment my son came home and it just happened so naturally. I hadn't planned and co-sleeping or being the 'attachment' kind of Mommy, but it just made sense like a light bulb went on and my heart filled with this extreme sense of ease.

My parents didn't quite get what I was doing, but they respected it and even asked questions! I even got my Mom to wear my son when I had to go to the doctors, and they have such a bond now...it's amazing.

But, unfortunately there are those who look at you like you're a wacko. My son's father (we aren't together) came from a CIO family and a very detachment oriented framework. The concept that kids only learn to be independent if you 'train' them to be so. First off, I hate the word 'train' associated with children. I mean they are not animals. Yikes, I get passionate.

At any rate, we butted heads and still do...his parents think I'm some kind of hippy and that my son will be sleeping in my room forever. I've even been told he's going to be weak-minded and not learn as quickly. That is SO not true!! He's amazingly bright and super quick to catch on to new concepts and ideas.

Well, to those people I say 'thank you for your opinion, but this is our life choice and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't disrespect it' and when I'm feeling particularly sassy 'oh, you aren't familiar with attachment parenting? would you like me to send you some literature to read, so you can understand better?'

It is tough when the people you expect to love and embrace whatever is best for your child and they just don't or refuse to try to learn about it. If you are confidant in the choices you are making for your child then, I say keep your chin up and roll with the punches. You are doing the best you can to maintain a happy and healthy lifestyle for your child, and those people can have their opinions just don't let them effect YOUR confidence. You are an amazing Mommy and you're doing great.

The only suggestion I would offer is to keep an open ear when they make their comments, be pleasant but then offer to help them understand/learn about attachment parenting. I bought my ex a book, Dr. Sears, and let him read it and he still didn't get it. So, some people just don't understand...

Good Luck.

Don't listen to them... do what feels right for you. I would give you a longer response but I can't as my son is yanking on my clothes to get off teh computer and play with him. there is a WONDERFUL attachment parenting yahoo group here in orange county that is a wonderful place to go to get advice. check them out... you'll be glad you did. just about everyone there has experienced what you are experiencing at some point!! good luck and do what feels right for you. :)

I understand how you feel. I, too, feel like I have to explain to my friends and family everyday why we've chosen the non-medical, attachment parenting, less normal route: gave birth naturally at home in water, no drugs, homeopathic alternatives to colds/ear aches/tummy aches, etc., rocked both my babies (3 yr old and 1.5 yr old girls) to sleep, both girls still sleep with my husband and me in our king size bed (oh the joy of seeing them wake up with smiles on their faces), we carried them all the time, we didn't believe in letting them "cry it out", and the biggest issue of all - no vaccinations until they're much older. In other cultures in different parts of the world, they would scoff at us for calling this abnormal. This was how I was raised in the Philippines. I had a wonderful childhood and now am a happy and secure adult because of it. Bottom line is we are doing what we think and believe is the best for our children. So, this gives me strength to try to seek support from others with the same belief and try to understand that there are loved ones who will oppose and question our choices no matter what. What we do is try to inform and educate them on what we know through research (my husband is a Chiropractor and practices wellness care) and it's up to them to want to listen or not. Stay strong. YOu are doing what you believe is best for your child. I commend you.

We co-slept, never let our daughters cry it out,fed on demand and only gave one vaccination at a time. Yes, we were looked "down" upon. My mother-in-law could not understand how we could share our bed. She would tell me stories of how her sister would lock her bedroom door and then find her son in the morning curled up at the door after having cried himself to sleep because he wanted to be let in. THat's HORRIBLE! She also wanted me to put my kids on a feeding schedule. NO way! Babies eat when they are hungry. I now have a 9 yr old and 7 yr old and they are healthy, intelligent, independent and beautiful. Do what works for you! I know it's hard when people want to cast doubts in your parenting. It's hard enough to parent without that. Just hang in there and know that you are doing what you do out of love for your baby!

I do not know what to tell your family, but just want to say YAY for you and your daughter and give some insight. I think, for the people who don't understand AP, it seems to them as though we are raising spoiled children. My speculation is that, children of AP develop very comfortably (as in without fear) and know that they have us to support them so they take advantage of this to help them through it all (as they should). This may seem to your onlooking family as "spoiled". In the long run this pays off. The people who don't do AP may get more independence from their child, but I don't feel this is what the child would choose if they had a choice. I strongly feel that these children are actually needier. It may show up immediately or be a subtle insecurity about them.

Put yourself in the baby's shoes. Think about you wanting to learn something as a little baby and your parent is there to guide you. Plus evolution has packed you full of instincts that tell you to stay close to your parent or you might die. With your parents help you can master something knowing you are safe and YOU decide when you are ready to do it alone. With the other way you may do it but you will feel fear.

I have watched two of my girlfriends force weaning too soon on their sons (one wanted nighttime parenting freedom and the other had to start working a little) and in both instances they became very unhappy needy little boys. I'm sure the results are stronger with some kids than others depending on their personalities. Also don't confuse attachment parenting with actual spoiling (as in discipline when necessary).

This is nobody's business but your own. Be wiser than I was as a first timer. Granted, I was a bit young - 22 - when my first was born, but I listened to my mother WAY too much, to the detriment of my first-born. He was nearly ten pounds at birth. My mom talked me out of breastfeeding, saying a baby that big needed "real food", meaning formula. I wanted to co-sleep, but she talked me out of that, too. Big mistake! I buckled under the disapproval. Thankfully, with my subsequent children, I was mature enough and self-confident enough to go my own way. Be that self-confident mommy now! You have decided what is best for your family, and in my opinion, you have made the correct decision. There is nothing you can do to change the opinion of others. Don't even try. Do not feel the need to defend your choices, or even explain them more than once. Attachment parenting is what you are doing. That is all there is to it. End of discussion. You are the mommy now, and although we all want our parent's approval, we need to decide what we feel is best for our kids, and stick to our guns. Your parents have raised their kids as they saw fit. Now it is your turn to do the same.
As far as gaining some understanding for the grandparents - my older kids are in their 20s now and could soon present me with grandkids. It would horrify me if my grandkids were not breastfed. It would horrify me if they had to cry themselves to sleep. it would horrify me if they were put in daycare. But those will not be my choices to make. I will, I think, have to voice my opinions, but after doing so, I hope I am able to shut up and be supportive. :0) It helps to realize that, when we receive parenting "advice" from our own parents, it is only because they truly think they know best and are trying to share their strongly held beliefs with us. Hang in there! Just keep on doing what you are doing. You will not regret it.

I so totally understand!

I'm an AP parent to, and I'm told I have the most loving, independent, thoughtful, caring, and well behaved kids. But when my oldest was very small we had a lot of extended family saying that we were doing it wrong, that our oldest was going to be trouble (she is a "firecracker"), but you know what? I did all the research to make sure that what I felt worked for us was doable. I made sure the rules and boundaries were laid out appropriately for my kids.

Despite the co-sleeping, babywearing and extended BF (3.5 years for the oldest, almost 3years for the second and just past 3years for the third) and nursing through the second pregnancy and partly through the third and tandum nursing the older two together for a year, the child lead weaning, the child lead potty training, the homeschooling, the delayed vaccinations... all of it and my kids are self-confident, happy, healthy and have high self esteems and are best friends with each other.

Keep to your instincts. If it feels right, then don't change it. If it feels wrong, then it time to do something different. With extended family its hard to not listen, but it is polite to tell them that you don't feel that thier way of parenting suits your family. In the end, you know what works for your family.

Best wishes.

I've never heard of 'attachment parenting' but I'm all for whatever works for YOUR family. Couple key phrases (depending on who you're talking to). . . "thank you for your input, I will discuss with our doctor or my husband", "thank you, I will definitely look more into that" and, one that I still use with my mother, "Yes, one of the great things about having your own children is that you get to do whatever you want!".

~ H

Hello there!

I highly recommend learning the phrase "Hmmmm, that's a very interesting though/idea/concept/style... I'll have to talk it over with hubby and give it some thought". Once you've said it about 1000 times, people WILL get the hint that you will be doing things your own way, the way it works for YOU. Others will always have differing opinions, but raising a child is like baking a chocolate cake, there are about a billion recipies, and yet, the out come is still chocolate cake!! They may taste a bit different, but isn't that the way it's supposed to be????

Good luck!
H.

You Go Girl!!! Smile, say what a great idea, I'm glad it worked for YOU, and then do what millions of years of mommy/daddy instinct have instilled in your hearts to do!! Of course, read about the wonderful benefits AP will give you & your baby, just to confirm what you are doing..but the "proof is in the pudding", so to speak...your family bond will be very strong, because the foundation will be so strong.

My "hippy" turn..slings, co-sleeping, BF til THEY wanted to stop (I tandem beastfed them, when the new baby came), not spanking..was a little shocking to some of my family, but my husband & I agree that we have very happy, secure, confident, creative, loving, smart & independent--when it's AGE appropriate-girls! They are NOT perfect, but they ARE wonderful little people to know. Our girls are now 12, 9 & 7...Enjoy your baby girl, she will be a teen before you know it!!

You know, I used to think that all children would eventually give you the same result if the parents would just "stick to a routine" and implement the same policies for each baby. Then I had my son, I too found myself living the attachment parenting life. I couldn't bring myself to let him cry it out, he took better and longer naps if I wore him in a sling, and he wasn't ready to wean at 12 months (he was 19months when self weaned). At almost four years old he has transitioned to his own bed in his own room (self initiated), he has no jealousy issues with his baby sister (who I wear daily also), and has a huge vocabulary of "emotion" words (Mom, I'm frustrated/angry/excited/delighted/nervous/sad/scared...). I don't know that you can ever change the mind of someone who isn't living in your shoes with your child, but you can try to cite some examples of WHY you choose to do some of these things (wearing keeps them more secure now which leads to more independence later in life....) Or you can just politely say "This is what feels right for our family and we only get one shot at parenting this child, so we're going to go with our gut and do the best we can for her." Remind others that EVERYONE loves their own child more than anyone else in the world, and with that love comes mistakes and successes and that like all other parents before you, you will figure this out as you go and your child will be none the worse for it. Keep up the good work on doing what's right for each of you, and remember that all first time parents questions themselves, and you'll never regret doing what feels right, but you would regret doing what others told you and missing out on parenting YOUR way.

i can totally relate!!!

i am doing the same, and have experienced the same challenges with well meaning family members. everytime i get unasked-for input, it will throw me into self-doubt to various degrees. what has helped me is to connect with other parents who are doing AP. one of my best friends is also a new mother and has an even more alternative mothering style than me. her baby has never worn diapers, and she rarely overpowers him. she has been such a support. and there are other online mother's group that are AP focussed. also a wonderful AP resource is naomi aldort. she has written an incredible book "raising our children, raising ourselves." she has a website (i think naomialdort dot com). anyway she also gives phone consultations which i'm planning to do at some point. when in doubt i'll refer to her book, cds, or the online newsletter that i subscribe to. she offers a whole new angle to parenting where who trust the child, and trust yourself. i've found her stuff very empowering and reassuring!

anyway, bless your family. know that they are only trying to help and don't doubt yourself. tell them your baby needs her fill of you first before she's ready to move on to others. tell them it's natural, and maybe offer them some written material that explains where you are coming from, like "the baby book" by dr. sears.

all the best!

R.

Babies grow up to be toddlers, toddlers grow up to be children, children grow up to be teenagers and teenagers grow up to be adults. There is a cycle that every person goes through and they will find when the time is right for them to move from one cycle to the next.

As long as they know you are behind them 100% they will develop well and become kind compassionate adults. As for what other people think....it's their problem, not yours.

Hang in there, follow your heart and let the words of "advise" from others roll off your back. Smile and say, I'm doing it my own way.

I'd just offer a simple "I have read a lot on the subject and I want to develop a relationship of trust." I have a daughter who is almost three. When she was about 6 months she became extremely clingy and was very unhappy near other people. She'd even give others dirty looks when they tried smiling to her. I decided that if she was so nervous of other people, I would not force her on anyone so that she knew she was safe and could trust me. She is much better now, but a few times I saw some real anxiety. I'm glad I didn't push her or she may be less trusting of the world. Trust your instincts! Other people might not understand. I just play it off like, "I might be crazy - but this is what feels best to me." And I mean it.

I'm sure you are a wonderful mother.

Oh, and as far as co-sleeping is concerned. I let my hubby's grandmother make a little bed on the floor for my baby and thanked her very much. Then, baby slept in bed with my husband and I. ;) Try not to be "in your face" with people, but do what feels right to you.

You're a new mom, vulnerable and have been through a sleep-depriving situation. The last thing you need is someone telling you that you're doing something wrong. You and your husband need to make family decisions. The rest of the world does not live in your house. Lots of people give unsolicited advice, and you can listen, choose not to listen, and go from there. People are well-meaning, but much advice can be intimidating and can put you on the defensive. You don't have to be spending your energy questioning your decisions, simply live your life and stick to your decisions. Save your energy for the "terrible twos" and teenagers! Meantime, concentrate on what you are doing, doling out plenty of love! As for sleep-share, studies go both ways on the best environments for sleep. The key is whether you and your husband are sleeping well, etc., and eventually your daughter will be in her own environment. Breastfeeding is your decision. Sometimes the arrival of teeth can end the breastfeeding! As for alternative vaccination schedule, vaccinations are necessary, but as for the timeframes, I believe in delaying by a few months, to avoid crucial developmental milestones.

S S,

Being a new parent is tough. Finding your own parenting style is tough especially if the folks around you don't approve. I breastfed and coslept with both of my children for a very long time. I'm the only one I know who has done either of those things. I don't let my kids cry, etc... My kids are 5 and 2 and they are not spoiled brats. They are secure, happy little boys. Personally I think letting kids cry just teaches them their needs don't matter and won't be met. I don't think that is a healthy lesson.

One thing (non confrontational) that I've found that really helps is to say "thanks for the information, I'll definitely keep that in mind" and then I do what I would have done anyway. LOL Folks usually want to know that you are listening to what they say, that you've heard them but that certainly doesn't mean you have to follow their advice. My MIL was very insistent - she started harrassing me about breastfeeding when my first son was 3 weeks old. I kept telling her it wasn't up to her. Around the time he was a year I finally told her if she didn't shut up about it, I'd nurse him until he was 10 just to piss her off. That shut her up.

How you parent is really a personal decision and no one should get a vote other than you, your partner and your child. It really isn't anyone else's business. So feel free to nod your head, thank them for their advice and then go back to what you were doing.

For the record, some babies are just more mom-focused than others. If your babe is that way, it is likely that no matter what you do, the situation will correct itself in time and nothing you do will likely change it until your daughter is ready.

I figure it mainstream parenting were such a fabulous thing there wouldn't be nearly so many miserable people in the world. I've never, ever heard anyone say that "I'm a miserable person because my parents spent too much time with me, paid too much attention to me and cared too much." I figure everyone is going to tweak their kid. It is your right as a parent. If I'm going to "mess up" my kids, it is going to be by spending too much time with them, paying too much attention to them and loving them way too much.

You absolutely can't go wrong by paying attention to your children and meeting their needs. I don't care what anyone says.

:-)T.

There is no "right" or "wrong" parenting. You have to do what feels right for you and your family.

Don't start to second guess your decisions. Be patient with other minded people. Try to acknowledge what they're saying and then tell them you're going to do things differently. We've been given some strange looks from others as well (especially about the vaccination schedule).

Hang in there. You're doing just fine.

SS,
Cudos to you and hubby for raisinng your baby 'your way'. I have followed all that you have listed, minus the vaccination part.

I would recommend just not sharing info with them. Leave answers to questions to "she is sleeping great" or "5 hours at a time", etc. Don't tell them where. That only affects you and your husband and if you are doing things that work for you, great. You had a special condition while you were pregnant and I am sure are supremely grateful for a healthy child and cherrish every single moment. Who could blame you!!!
Again, don't give extra info...leave it generic. If they harp on you or it gets uncomfortable, pull up some studies and explain to them that it is in a childs best interest to be held as much as possible. Cosleeping encourages children to be more independant rather than dependant come school age. Tell them this is what works for your family and you love every minute. Just because our parents and grandparents did things a certain way all those years ago, doesn't mean they were right. I know we can't REALLY say that to them, but we can in a round about kind of way! Give them some stats and it may quiet their mouths. It's ok to disagree....but you are the parents and you're doing a great job! Apologize to no one.

Best Holiday wishes to you,
E.

we did attachment parenting with our first two kids (only i would make them wean at around two since the nursing started to hurt my breasts)
it was easier and more comfortable, my parents would complain about it but i would just ignore them. my mom always says i do what i want no matter whwat so she wasnt really surprised. my siblings were especially annoying though, cause none of them had kids but all of them thought they knew more about parenting than i did.
attachment parenting worked great for us, it helped us feel very close to our kids and we have a special bond in that way. even though we dont do it that way with our third baby, we still feel that this different way of parenting is the best way to go for us at this time, i do love being able to have my bed back to myself, almost (my three year old still comes in to our bed in the middle of the night!)

i guess what im trying to say is that i know what youre going through and i have tried both types of parenting, and they are equally effective (although i did regret not letting my oldest cry things out as a baby) and if your family doesnt support your parenting techniques then it might be good if you could find a moms group that has the same parenting styles and you can get a lot of support that way. i had a lot of support in santa barbara, because just about everyone there were attachment parents!

Dear S S,

Goodness - if your ideas about parenting are so "controversial", then your extended family would be shocked to hear that we (parents of almost three year old daughter, and three week old son) and most of our friends are doing things exactly like you are - with fabulous results !

It is so hard to make everyone happy - we have tried, knowing that our extended family loves our daughter, and now son, and we want them to be comfortable with what we're doing.

However, letting in too much advice when you know in your heart what is right for your family really will eat away at you and undermine your confidence as a parent. And confidence is so important - your child will feel a sense of security from your assuredness.

I think the best thing is to listen politely to people's well-intentioned advice, thank them for caring, rather than trying to argue about it, and try to only take in what's truly helpful.

It has never felt right to us to let our kids "cry it out" (would you let your husband, or your close friend "cry it out" all by themselves without offering help, if they were upset?) so we have never done that, and we carry and hold our two as much as possible, although it's a little more of a challenge with two!

You know how much your child has eaten, slept, what patterns work for them, etc, so you are the most qualified to decide what your child needs !!

That's not to say that extended family members can't offer valuable advice - they certainly can, and one of the most valuable pieces of advice for us came from my step-mom concerning the importance of routine and schedule, and of simplifying (ie decluttering) our child's life. We are working on making some changes.

I hope this helps - believe me, when you know your child is hungry and someone says "oh just let them fuss a bit" or "why are you waking them up to feed them?" you will feel better doing right by your child, because your obligation is to care for them, not to cater to other people, even when they think they are helping!

By the way, I have two brothers, and one was rocked to sleep always, whereas the other was "Ferberized" (allowed to cry it out). They both turned out great, however they both went through bouts of "insomnia". So - it seems that these things may not make the huge impact on our character and personalities that people think they will, but if you decide what works best for your family and stay with that, you all will feel a sense of peace and smoothness from the routine, and I think you will all enjoy each other more !!

All the best.

You should tell them "thank you for your opinion...I will consider it." Meanwhile, share with them the information you have researched. Your instincts as a mom are on target. Best of luck.

Treat it in the same manner that most of us did with all the "unsolicited advice from helpful people", and the continued advice from "those who have been there/done that"....just smile and say thanks for the idea......and let it go. I'm sure they are all well meaning, but that certainly doesn't help you and hubby out.Good luck and congrats on your healthy, beautiful little girl!

It is not uncommon for a generation to reject the habits of the past generation. I too had the same problem with my family, however, the parenting style I chose worked for me. If I had to do it all over again, I would have educated myself more thoroughly on my style of parenting and created more boundaries and agreements with my daughter. Through the centuries, extended families with advice coming from grandma was the rule of the day. Now we reject the old style and therefore don't get the generational help of old. There are books on your style, I'm sure you'll find your extended family to support your style of parenting.

Dear SS,
I would like to offer an opinion on the other end of the spectrum (from a grand parent). I totally agree with Yvette when she wrote that your parents (and in laws) need to trust that they raised you well enough to make wise decisions on your own and also that times have changed since we raised our children. Hopefully you can be honest with them, which I feel my daughter is with me in telling me when I may be getting close to overstepping the boundaries. I remember well how it was when mine were young, when well meaning family members tried to "tell" me how to "raise" my kids. You really do have to follow your heart and it sounds like you are. But, just remember from my perspective even though I remember being on your end of it, this end of it is hard too. I have to bite my tongue sometimes and remember what it was like. All we are trying to do is protect you from what we think may be a mistake but Lord knows we are wrong sometimes too. Parenting is very different now and I find myself shaking my head at some of the things that are taboo now that were perfectly fine years ago. (for instance....we were told to ONLY let our babies sleep on their stomachs, now it is the complete opposite).
I find myself asking my daughter to reassure me about some things, since I am out of practice and behind the times with babies and not up on the latest dos and don'ts. I would be perfectly fine being put in my place and being told to let them do it their way. I would appreciate a little tact, but so far they haven't said anything so maybe I have been good so far.
However, honestly sometimes it is hard when I think I know a better way (but again it's only my opinion). That is still the mother in me that will never quit as you will find out years from now. I figure if they make a mistake they will figure it out as long as it isn't something that will physically harm my grand daughter.
It sounds like you are on the right track with your parenting, I just hope the people giving you advice can accept your polite request to let you raise your children your way without any resentment. I think you should let them see your letter and these responses, maybe that would help!
Good Luck to you and your precious baby girl.
Grammy Tracey

Hi S S,

It's so hard for people from another generation to accept anything other than what they have been taught. All the advise given is great. You just keep doing what you and your husband are most comfortable with. She's your baby and your the parents and you know what's best for her. I know it's hard, I don't have any good advise on how to handle that part of it but I did just want to say to hang in there and don't question how you choose to raise your daughter. If you feel it's right, then it's right. You'll do what's best for your baby. She's your shining star! Hang in there! :)

Nod and smile, nod and smile, lather, rinse, repeat. :)
I usually tell people how interesting that is, and how I might look into it, or how my ped recommended against that, and then I change the subject.
You need to do whatever you and your husband feel is right. It might put you more at ease to surround yourself with other AP families. You might be able to find a group on yahoo or meetup.
I realized the other day that I actually do a double-take when I see someone changing a disposable diaper because I'm so used to being around my little group of cloth diapering moms. :)

I understand your plight- it seems like the general population is allowed to be openly critical of attachment parenting, based on what people must believe is the right way to parent. My mother in law stands behind certain parenting practices because it's how it's "always been done in this culture." As tempted as I am to ask her how this way of parenting is working for our disconnected, dysfunctional culture, I refer her to books on Attachment Parenting and just smile as politely as I can. It's so tricky. I also say things like, "This is working for us," and,"This is what our hearts are most comfortable with as parents", etc.I try not to point out how inappropriate she is in giving us parenting advice in such a judgemental fashion, and how it alienates us all from them. I just avoid them and stand my ground. Sorry you have to grow through that. I wish I had more advice. Seek support. There are people out there; people in the LA area who believe strongly in attachment parenting. Coccoon yourselves amongst them. Good luck! :-)

My advice to you is to follow your heart and do whatever your maternal instinct tells you to do. Nobody has the bond that you and your daughter share and nobody will ever know her the way you do. No disrespect to grandparents (my parents are great and I count on them alot) but the "rules" of parenting have changed so much since their time. Let them say what they feel compelled to say, take it under advisement, but do what you feel needs to be done. If there are hurt feelings, let them know you don't mean to be hurtful but you are more than willing to deal with whatever "consequences" might come about as a result of your decisions. Personally, I don't think that snuggling and holding my baby, reassuring and bonding with my baby is ever a consequence and I know it's never a bad thing. Stay true to your heart and follow the little voice that will instinctively lead you in the right direction. Our parents need to trust that they raised us well enough to be good parents in our own right. Take care and God bless!! :)

You are blessed that your husband is with you. My son's father and I just split up because he so does NOT believe in Attachment Parenting. But I am totally convinced that this is the right way to parent a child so that they grow up emotionally healthy. My son's pediatrician is actually Dr. Bill Sears, the dad, the one who wrote all the books. Going to him has given me an incredible amount of confidence, as has reading all of his books. Perhaps The Attachment Parenting Book is the easiest and shortest of the Sears Parenting Library. I would just give your relatives that book and have them read it, but don't think that once they read it they will agree with it. But at least they will know where you are coming from. I get so tired of hearing people tell others to let their baby cry it out!!! My son is almost three now and people just can't believe how sweet, how smart, and how engaging in. People say they've never seen a child look you right in the eye the way he does. But heaven forbid it's due to my parenting style!!!! But you and I both know that this IS the best way to raise a child. Good luck, and I am happy to talk to you about it more if you want. You can email me at ____@____.com care, A.

She's only 5 months old, of course she only wants her mommy who feeds her, and love's her!!!! DUH!!! If you want to sleep with your baby.... that's your business. (just be careful!)
Every time they mention the subject, just tell them "thank you for the advice." And leave it at that. Let's face it, they can talk all they want. They are not raising your child, and really have no say. So........ don't stress over it. They have no real power.
Try LIVING with your mother-in-law LIKE I DO!!!!! My husband and (at the time)5 month old baby (now 19 months)
moved in with the MIL because my FIL died. We are to stay 2 years and then move. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!! My MIL doesn't spend much time with my little girl, and we only see her when she comes home from work......oh weekends too. we get along, but she is very old fashioned. And her house is not a comfortable place to live. But, it will be over soon, and We can get on with our lives. (and work on #2 baby)
Take care, and good luck!

Ignore, ignore, ignore... and good luck! I know well that ignoring such behaviors is hard! A

In the future, don't share all your business. They'll know enough by seeing you breast feed. But, just like politics, everyone will not agree w/ you, and who cares what others think, when you know what works for you. Seriously, do other people need to know your vaccine schedule? or your sleeping arrangments? If you don't tell, them then you don't need to hear criticism. I now have 3 kids, and have learned to roll w/ the punches. But, I was also very strongly sure of everything as a 1st time mom. I started shutting my mouth, and life got easier. Good luck

S S ~ My belief is that you do not have to make your family understanding of the way you choose to raise your child. Everyone second guesses the decisions they make when raising a child, it's because you care about your parenting responsibilities; people who have raised children in the past want to share their experiences and what worked for them. Just because someone has a different idea than you does not mean they are correct and you are not or you are correct and they are not. You need to keep the same open mind you are wishing others to have. The only way to raise a child is to love it, teach it to become a positive member of society. Whether it sleeps with you or alone in a room has no bearing on what type of person it will be. You will always be able to find some statistic to support your way of rearing your child as will your mother, grandmother, neighbor, friend or complete stranger. You just need to love your baby and continue to love her forever. Good luck and don't worry about what other people want you to do. Just keep your heart and your mind open. Good luck,

Just talk to them and let them know that now is your turn to be a mother.
And if you make a mistake you will pay later but if not good for you.
Remember nobody was borned being a good parent you learn as you go.
Good luck to you.
P.d. Just remember mother first friend second.

i would say raise your daughter how you want to raise her, other people tell me the same things about raising my son, i know how you feel, alot people seem to think that just because im a young mom (im 18 yrs old, my son is 10 months old) that i dont know what im doing with him. i hate it when people tell me what to do and how to raise my son. it gets frustarating, and to me it makes me second guess if i am being a good mom, or if im doing things right. im sure you and your husband are raising your daughter just fine. keep up the good work :]

Hi SS

I have a son who is now almost 3 years old. We did and still are "attachment" parenting. We still co-sleep and I breastfed him until he was almost 18 months old. (I had planned to breastfeed longer, but he had bitten me hard several times and I had to wean him).

Anyway, we did everything you are doing; alternative vaccinations, etc....and everything was natural for us as well. We, too, questioned some of our decisions, but always did what was right for us and our child.

We have never spanked him, even though we have been told on many occasions we will have a spoiled child. More often than not, we get comments about what a great and well-behaved kid he is.

As long as you are all happy and comfortable with your decisions, your child will be too...except for the expected pushing boundaries and learning independence.

Keep trusting your instincts.. Only you as his parents can truly know what's best for your child.

Keep up the good work.

By the way, we have a happy, well-adjusted toddler. People used to comment about him when he was a baby that he was so happy and calm. I really think it's because I wore him in a sling almost everywhere I went. :)

Blessings,
R.

Your relatives think your style is weird and too permissive because it's the total opposite of how people dealt with babies back in their generation. Be respectful of their opinions but do not feel pressured to obey everything they say. If your parenting style feels right to you and your daughter seems to thrive with it, stick with it. You're the one raising her, not them. The cry-it-out thing is especially touchy. My firstborn was a high-maintenance, needed-to-be-held-by-Mommy-all-the-time baby. Boy, that was rough. But I couldn't bear to let him scream all the time. Within a few months he outgrew that neediness and by the time he was 6 or 8 months old he was a happy little guy who was content with a variety of people and situations. Give your daughter what she needs and she'll grow up feeling more secure. Meanwhile, to make the conversations with relatives easier, do not try to explain your choices to them. They'll always think their way is better and you'll just end up with arguments and a lot of tsk-tsking. Instead, say very neutral things that sound like you're agreeing with them, then ignore them and do things your own way. (I had to do this repeatedly with my mother, who can steamroll anyone. "Oh, Mom, that's a good point. I'll think about that." "Yeah, I can understand the logic of that." "Maybe. I know a lot of people handle it that way. I'll consider it." etc etc. Then let it all roll off your back and do things your way. Another technique is to "blame" the pediatrician (again, I needed this with my mother, who kept trying to shovel cereal into my son's mouth at 6 weeks because he wouldn't go to sleep at night. I had to tell her OVER and OVER again, "Mom, the doctor says he can't have solids til four months." She wouldn't respect MY opinion, but she did respect the DOCTOR so she didn't cross the line after I said that. You can make up any line you want and put it on the doctor; your relatives don't know what he/she said or didn't say!) However, I will warn you that at some point you will probably have a struggle with your daughter to get her to fall asleep on her own, in her own bed. Maybe not in babyhood but at some point this will have to happen (you won't want a 16-year-old in your bed, right?!?). There are many variations on the cry-it-out technique and when you get to a point where having your child in your bed all the time becomes a problem, whether for your sleep or your sex life, you may have to resort to one of these methods to move her. Just warning that at some point the transition WILL have to happen, and the longer she's slept with you, the more difficult that move will likely be. But it doesn't need to happen right now if you're happy with the way things are. Good luck and enjoy your baby.

I think you should matter of factly tell them that this is what works for you. There are tons of parenting styles and there is no one "right" or "wrong" way of doing things. Let them know that you are not neglecting or harming your child and you have no issues. Thank them for there concern/thoughts and let them know you appreciate their blessings. I don't use this parenting style because it doesn't work for my family. But I don't disagree with it. As a mom trust your instincts and do what you think is best for your baby. Good luck!

SS,

Good for you on the attachment parenting! I have co-slept with my son up until now (we are only transitioning him to his own crib now because he doesn't sleep as well with us anymore), I hold and carry him all the time I have him, my mom watches him during the day and carries and holds him and rocks him to sleep also, and we feed on demand (fortunately he gets almost all his calories in the daytime now!). It's such a wonderful experience and I wouldn't do it any other way.

Anyway, my in-laws are always warning me against this and every time they say something I just say "oh really" or "no, I didn't know that" or "well, this is working so far", or some other comment. FOrtunately I can be a little more blunt with them so if they are being rude I can say so. One other thing I always tell people to do is review the Attachment Parenting Organization website. It shows all the benefits that have been proven over the years. That's enough to make anyone be quiet.

Good luck to you. So wonderful to have a baby that close to you.

In my experience 100% attachment parenting is great for babies. They need their needs met right away. But for the moms I've seen who do 100% AP into toddlerhood it gets harder and harder to establish self-soothing habits without consistenly major meltdowns. Really ask yourself how long you want to have baby in bed with you. If you don't transition at about 6 months or so to at least get used to sleeping without you there (like at naptime or early evening), then it gets harder and harder for them to learn to sleep alone later.

I believe the heart of AP is to watch your baby and be in-tune with them. Their needs as babies change overtime. At some point something you're doing won't work anymore (for you or for baby) and then it's time to reevaluate. If things are working well, then that's the way to go!

Great job breast feeding, keep it up!! My son is 20 m and still nursing, never been sick... it really helps their positive demenor & attitude if you don't force wean. I'd say, educate yourselves better so you know why you're doing what you are, the benefits... then educate 'them.' Read alot, the info is out there, good luck. OR just ignore them, you could tell them she sleeps in her own crib, they aren't there at night...do what you're comfortable with. Find a support group like Le Leche League or another breastfeeding group through your hostpital, a mommy group throgu your parks & rec or library... there is alot out there, you just need to look.

I am pretty much on the opposite end of the spectrum in parenting style, but like you, my family seemed to have different ideas about how we should parent our children, and they let us know how they disapproved. It was most intense in the first year and especially in the early months.

I am not one who likes to argue. I am very careful about decisions I make, and once I make a decision I am not likely to change it. So I don't usually think I can change someone else's mind, and I try not to offer my opinions unless asked. So it was very hurtful to me when people I loved and respected were critical of my parenting. It was hard to take. But I learned not to bring up the subject, as much as depended on me. And if others brought it up, I tried to simply listen and take the topic of conversation in a different direction as gracefully as possible. That is what worked best for me. My husband, on the other hand, doesn't mind a good argument so he would go back and forth with them, but I think it depends on your personality.:) (I can remember some heated conversations he had with both of our mothers in those early days!)

My "babies" are now 3-3/4 and 2-1/2-years-old, and we don't get so much unsolicited advice anymore. In fact, though they may not have agreed with our baby-approach, most of our family constantly tells us now how wonderful our children are and what a great job we are doing as parents now! (These are the same people!)

I think it is just the baby stage that brings on the unsolicited advice and controversy. I don't know what it is about it, but I find it with myself, too, when I see a new mom with a baby, I just want to offer advice for any little thing and I have to fight so hard to hold my tongue!

So hang in there, I think it will probably get better as your baby gets older (at least it did for us). In the meantime, you can either try to avoid the topic of contention or prepare your defense arguments. I imagine your family is not eye-witness to most of your parenting moments, and they don't need to know. So don't bring it up, and if they do, you can decide whether you want to engage them or think of a gentle way to shut the topic down. As far as the controveries "in the moment" such as who holds the baby if she is crying for mommy, make your decision and stand firm. If you have an air of confidence about your decisions, I think it leaves less of an open door for others to criticize or offer their two cents. You're the mommy, she is your baby, and that is just how it is!

Good luck, I hope this helps, and keep enjoying that delightful baby of yours!

Hi S S,
My son is 6 years old. He still sleeps with us almost every night and digs his big feet under me and brings 5 stuffed animals with him and I wouldn't have it any other way. He can sleep on his own when he's ready. Everyone bugs me about it but it's what I need to do and it makes him feel loved.

You have to do what you need to do. Say thank you for the advice and do what you want. You can't change the way Grandparents think so no use trying or arguing. They just don't understand why "modern" parents do what they do and they probably never will. Just leave the room or change the subject if they start up. You don't have to justify anything to them.

Good luck and stick to your guns!

Thank them for their advice and gently reaffirm that you have done the research and are following your own path and then change the subject! Be strong and follow your heart. Be as supportive as you can with each other and find a way to laugh it off. It would be helpful if you can find other like moms for support. Here's a site you might want to check out. The store is located in Fullerton. Even if it is not near you, it might be a good resource for you.
www.bellysprout.com

It is always harder to swim upstream, but worth the effort. Hang in there!

Do what kids do....Let the suggestions go in one ear and out the other. It's up to you and your husband how your child is raised...they raised their children and now it is your turn. I've learned how to listen and take with me what makes sense to me and my husband...good luck and I am sure you and your husband are great parents...

I am 73 and i personally feel you should keep doing what you are doing if it makes her happy and you happy. As far as the family bed. I understand that kid's do nothing but benifit from this. There is a book by a doctor about this, but not sure of the name. Someone else had wrote in about this and a book by a doctor was reccomended. As far a only wanting you to hold her. This is normal. She will go to others when she is ready. I wouldn't force it. Everyone has their own opinion, so in the future i just wouldn't ask any of them, or if they bring it up, just change the subject. Good luck it sounds to me like you are doing all the right things for your precious little one.

Sandy

You need to be firm with them on how you want to parent .... after all, it is your choice. My only suggestion is just to plan ahead. I often read posts regarding how to get a toddler to sleep in his or her own bed from parents who have co-slept for 2-3 years. Know that you will face some challenges there. But for now .... you have to do what works for you and don't leave the conversation open for discussion with your family.

Hi there. I've been there. We recently went back East to visit our families and stayed with my InLaws. They were horrified to learn that we co-sleep and that we didn't let her cry herself out and held her whenever we have the chance. We would hear hours of "when I raised my kids...." and they even went so far as to tell other members of the family about how they thought we were spoiling the baby. Finally my husband and I had to sit the In Laws down and tell them that while we appreciate all of the advice and their experience we were doing what we thought was best for our daughter and ourselves. There was still some grumbling but the comments stopped. Just hang in there and know that you are doing your best for your little angel!
Good luck!

You have to gently let your parents know that things have changed since they had babies. If they have access to the internet then you can give them some accredited links to inform and update them... if not, you might want to print the information for them to read. The American Academy of Pediatrics website is good place to start for the breastfeeding:

American Academy of Pediatrics website says...

"It is recommended that breastfeeding continue for at least 12 months, and thereafter for as long as mutually desired.

Although economic, cultural, and political pressures often confound decisions about infant feeding, the AAP firmly adheres to the position that breastfeeding ensures the best possible health as well as the best developmental and psychosocial outcomes for the infant."

http://aappolicy.aappublications.org/cgi/content/full/ped...

For all other issues, there are great links on Dr. Jay Gordon's website. This is a good place to start for the co-sleeping:

http://www.drjaygordon.com/development/ap/cosleeping.asp

Best of luck to you! You are giving your daughter a wonderful start!

I never let anyone hold my daughter, if she was uncomfortable. If she didn't want them, I smiled, and took her out of their arms....period. She is just a baby, and she probably prefers mommmy. My daughter was the same way.

There is a balance between listening to the wisdom of those who have done it before us, and knowing what works best for your family. I have had times when I wish I would have listened (hind sight), and times when I wanted everyone to keep their opinions to themselves.

Don't stress over it too much. You are the parent, and you have the final say. I made a lot of people mad when my baby was born, but eventually, they respected the way I wanted things done.

Hope this helps.

Great advice, ladies. When you get unwanted advice (that's not malicious), just smile and say "we'll keep that in mind." and do what is best for you. I nursed my kids until they were 2. I got a lot of "how LONG are you going to do that?" I'd just smile and say things like "Probably not as long as the gal who nursed hers until they were 5...". Kept people guessing and eventually kept them quiet (without me being rude....). Good luck and congratulations.

Do what you feel is right for you in your gut. Your intuition is so important, not what others outside of your home think. Our intuition was similar. We did and still do cosleep; our girls weaned when they were ready; they potty trained when it was time for them; we never let them cry it out, etc., all of which felt natural and right to us. I now have two wonderful, secure, well-adjusted daughters, now five and three. I don't regret a thing. I suggest that you tell your loved ones that while you respect that they have wisdom and experience with regard to raising children, you have your own intuitions and beliefs (well supported by experts if you will) and that you would like them to respect your choices as a parent. Try to be open to their advice, but do what feels right to you. I think that is truly what's best. As parents who have made many of the same choices that you indicated you have made, I can tell you that my children know they are loved and have never had separation anxiety of any kind. Stick to your guns girl! You are making some wonderful choices!!!!

I have 4 daughters. My oldest stayed in our room until 4 years old, we rocked her to sleep and held her almost always. My 2nd we decided to "do it right" and she never slept in our bed, fell asleep on her own, etc.

Now, with my youngest 2 (just turned 4 & 6), they're still in our room, most of the time.

We have great relationships with 3 of our 4 children. And, 3 of our 4 children are great with learning, disciplined, very affectionate, etc.

Guess who isn't? Our 2nd. She's rebellious, stubborn, doing poorly in school and doesn't want to listen.

Hey, we could be wrong, but in all honesty, we now believe nurturing in all aspects, showing our little ones that they can trust we are there for them (day and night) to comfort them, will in the long run give them the confidence to be good people growing up.

Good luck!

S.

You will find out that the people giving the advice are only trying to help you and your new family so that in the future you will not continue to have separation problems, sleep problems, babysitter issues, etc. I had a problem baby: colic, no naps, no sleep thru the night till 10 months, and knew that I wanted to have a relationship with my husband. The baby was so consuming. Give yourself paramitters as to when you plan to change your behaviors, so that your life will be a better fit for all of you.

So you don't want to share the joy of your little one with the grandparents and are doing a lot of things with the baby that you enjoy. Most kids turn out fine what ever you do. You should just tell your parents to move on and that you want to divorce them. Clearly you are happy with what you are doing , so do it and let your parents go to the movies or read books, but they don't need to enjoy their grandchildren.
Their point of view doesn't matter to you. You turned out OK and so probably will your child. This may prove that either way you handle the child will work. You are happy and that is what matters to you. Look around you and you will see that lots of parenting styles work. Some include the extended family, who want to love them and some like yours don't include the extended family. You are lucky to have parents still and nearby... a lot of people don't but so what? you want to do it your way - so do it.

B. v. O

When your parents tell you how you're "supposed" to do it, just say "thank you for your opinion" and leave it at that.

DON'T explain what you do, or why you do it. Any explanation gives them something to base an argument against. You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to, lol. Just thank them for their input, without "defending" what you know to be right. You are right, you know.

"The No-cry Sleep Solution" by E. Pantley has great tips on helping babies to sleep on their own while not giving in to the cry-it-out crowd. I recommend it highly.