Older Father Thinks He's Too Old for Young Kids Needs and Is Missing Out.

What makes him feel too old? Ask him. If it is being tired, there are solutions to regaining energy. If it is because the other Dad's are younger, you can emotionally help him get over that. I truly believe that you can be younger if you act younger. Talk to him and help him with what is really holding him back.

Changing his attitude might start out a little easier as a way to compromise. Women do it all the time without thinking about it but it is hard for men to do I have found. First have him write out a list as long as possible of the things he thinks he is missing out on. Have him spend a lot of time imagining what he would be doing if you didn't have the kids. Then look at the list. Most men that I know his age have items like fishing, bowling, or golfing as hobbies they want to do. Then find a way that he can still do some of those things with and without the kids once in a while. I know plenty of men who love fishing with their young kids then get out once a year for a weekend fishing trip with their buddies. Same with golf - he could take the kids minigolfing and work on his putting then maybe once a month go golfing with a buddy or with you for 18 holes. Actually even the kids, Tiger started at 4. These are just a few examples anything he writes down really could be at least discussed to try to work it into kids life and adult life as maybe a date night. It might also help to make a deal with him that if he stops saying he is too old and tries to feel young for a week you will let him do something he thinks a man his age should be doing. Half the battle is to get him to stop convincing himself with negative talk that he is too old and then he will start acting young. Hope this helps.

My brother in now 54 and has two sets of twins, ages 4 and 2. He feels the same way. He raised 2 boys in his 20s and now that life should be easier for him it s hard because of his age. My husband is 50 and our youngest is 10. You do start to feel the aging effects at 50. He may not have all that energy that a 20 or 30 year old has. He might feel his life should be all comfy and relaxed at his age. Its reality time. Unless he is in super shape and healthy he may have a hard time keeping up with a young family. I would get him walking and working out, eating right....maybe you can do as a family thing. He is a older dad, I would encourage him to enjoy his children.. My son makes me feel a lot younger than I am . I am also 50.......I do have a hard time keeping up with the younger crowd. But I wouldnt change it for the world. I wish you luck!

When my father was 57 and I was 30, we went for a "mountain bike" ride. I had to keep begging him to slow down. I couldn't keep up! And I was in great shape, too! If he isn't in bad health, there's no reason your husband has to be "too old".

My husband, on the other hand, is 37 and has chronic back pain. He is VERY limited in what he can do with our kids. He just does the best he can and modifies games/activities so that they work with his need to sit in a recliner. The kids think he is more fun than I am.

Maybe he needs to see a Dr.? (Vit B12 injection or D?) Sometimes men do not want to see the Doctor and there really could be a problem with energy? Yet...... some men feel old no matter what age they are as a cop-out to responsibilities. (Try turning off the TV and see what he come up with as to what to do.) Hard to be in your shoes since my 57 year old helps me run a day care in our home and has always seemed young.
M. in Wisconsin

It sounds like it may be a dose of "mid-life crisis"?

We are older parents. We chose this path in life and that is that. We are always mistaken for the grandparents- but that's okay with me. I just say having a child later in life keeps me young.

You said that your husband came into your marriage knowing you wanted children and it does take two to make them- so he just needs to accept his life and deal with it. The "too old" excuse doesn't change the facts.

I don't mean to sound harsh. There are PLENTY of older parents- it's more common now. I don't know if maybe your hubby can talk to someone about his feelings. But for the sake of the children, he needs to put on his "big boy underwear" and accept his life and get involved.

Just my two cents,
R.

Seriously, you can't do anything to change his chronological age! His attitude stinks and I hope he keeps it to himself, especially in front of the kids. My husband is 48 and we have an almost 7 year old. He takes him golfing, sled riding and coaches his baseball team. All kinds of stuff. Does he have the energy a 25 year old man has? No, probably not, but he is not going to miss out on his son's life. The years WILL tick by, it's up to him to decide to deal with it in a positive way or not. Age is a state of mind. Why is he wasting his time lamenting about what is already done and the position he's already in? It's not fair to anyone in your family. When was his last check up/physical? There could be something going on that you're both unaware of and I'd make him an appt. just to be on the safe side. Good luck!

OMG...my father became a father, grandfather and turned 50 all in the same year. It has kept him very young and in my opinion far more active than he would have been without a young child. Life is what we make of it. You look at the glass as half empty or half full, turn that glass upside down!

My step-brother graduated from HS when he was 67 and he wouldn't change anything.

Would he be willing to talk to a counselor? An Option Process Dialogue would help him greatly. He would be able to see what beliefs/perspectives underlie his discontent, and if he chooses to, he would be able to change the beliefs and therefore have a much happier experience. Probably a single session would be enough. If there is not an Option Process Mentor/Counselor in your area, he could do it by phone.

My ex husband is older to. We adopted a 6 month old son who is now 4 years old. My husband could not deal with it. We divorced. And now he is showing up as a good dad, but he just doesn't have the common sense to deal with what is right for my son general care. I am not sorry that we adopted my son, but I should have married better. If a man is not into it, than it can become a problem for the marrage and the childdren.
I am disappointed that my now Ex chose differently after the adoption, but I am not in control of him. He just wasn't honest with me from the beginning.

Tell his is never to old, he will be sorry when time has passed.
Later he will be wishing he enjoyed them while he could.
Due to the type of work I was in I missed going to my girls activities.

Then when it was to late I realized that this was the biggest
loss I have in life.

God Bless

L. - You have lots of great answers but I thought I would chime in. My husband is an older dad too. He has 2 grown children from his first marriage. They are in their 30's and also 3 grandchildren. Our children are now 20 and 17 and my husband is 63 and I'm 50. He was 43 and 46 when our children were born. Yes, we are thinking about retirement but we also know that we'll have to work longer because of the choices we made to have children.

In some ways, our children keep him young. People are often surprised to hear that he is in his 60's. He coached them in sports all along and is still able to coach our 17 year old in baseball during the summer. (He's also a college coach.) Coaching has kept him connected to the younger group although he finds them challenging and it's a different time from when he played high school sports.

One of the things that I have found challenging is that he doesn't exercise or make good food choices. He's overweight by 20-30 lbs and has had experiences where he can't keep up with the rest of us because he is out of shape. I have tried everything I know for the last 20 years to get him motivated to take care of himself. I'm at the point now that whatever he does, he does. I no longer nag - I just let him make the choices he's making. It will be a sad day for our children if he passes away at a younger age.

So I know your frustration to a point and while I don't have any great advice to offer, I just want you to know that you're not alone. I'm sad that your husband has given into his age (personally I resent that he thinks 51 is too old as I close in on that this year). My children know that my goal is to be healthy enough to swim the English Channel and run in a marathon when I'm 90. But I'm not sitting in my chair wishful thinking. I work out regularly and try to take care of my body the best I can. I just wish my husband felt the same way!

Good luck - hopefully you will find encouragement in these answers and be able to share some good advice with him.

I have a daughter who is 7 and her father is 56 (I'm 48). He has two other children, that I raised, who are 27 and 24, and we have 3 grandchildren. I heard a lot of the "I'm too old for this" before and after we had our daughter, even though he always knew I wanted a child. He is not too old, he is overweight and out of shape and was not getting the medical care he needed for depression and other issues. I ended up divorcing him when our daughter was 5. Guess what - I never hear now that he is "too old". He now says that she is the "best thing that ever happened to him" and he is a much more involved father (50/50 time) since our divorce. He is also getting the medical care and treatment that he needs, and taking care of himself better.

There is not one certain way to be a Dad. Dad's are younger, older, active, less active, disabled, working, retired, etc. What is it that he enjoys doing with the children and can he focus on those things.

I would try to get to the underlying concerns he has, what is it really that is causing him to say these things. (What is he "missing out on", what does he mean by "freedom"?) If you are willing to listen, but he won't talk, I would suggest a counselor. You can't make him change his attitude, but if you can get to the root cause, there may be some small changes you could make as a family to help.

my husband is 51 too and we have a 2 year old...I'll ask him later if he would mind writing a few things in response to this for your husband.
I'll get back to you...
A.

My husband is 45 and we have a 2 year old together. He originally thought he'd be too old but knew as well that I wanted children. We settled on the one we have. I also have a 13 years old from a prior relationship. My husband comments that he actually feels younger having a 2 year old and it brings a fresher perspective on life. Being 51 isn't old! He has to realize what he has and not worry about what he's missing out on. Find out what he wants to do that he feels he can't by having 3 young children. Maybe he just needs to know he can have a social life and not feel guilty about it. YOu can too - everyone needs time away from their kids to have adult time so maybe he just feels he can't do something but he needs to tell you. Sounds to me it could be a slight mid-life crisis and hopefully it passes and you can communicate exactly what it is he wants. Otherwise, his attitude will start to show and the children will pick up on the vibes. Good luck!

only he can change his attitude. no matter how much you talk to him, it won't make a difference. my husband isn't old by all means but in his mind he is too old for 'these things.' and that is the attitude he has about everything. so the burden of entertaining and raising depends on me. if i give up no one will have fun. actually, going through the same things right now. i don't see things changing, and i want better for me and my kids :(

I assume that you did not have kids before these three. I can relate to your husband's position. Once you have done all the kid things, went to all their games, activities, etc., sat up worrying about them, bought them cars, put them through college it gets exhausting and he really does deserve to have his own life. That said, he does have three more kids and will just have to figure out a way to step up because they deserve the same as his other kids. I have two grandsons and, as much as we love them and enjoy every minute with them, I could not and would not do it all again. My husband and I (52 and 50) are enjoying the freedom to come and go as we please, to travel, to go to dinner, or just to sit and read the paper without interruptions. We have earned that. I don't think that anything anyone told me would change this, he is just going to have to come to terms with it on his own because having older kids is certainly no easier than the little ones.

My husband is 51 and we have a 3 year old boy and a 12 week old boy; this is not his first marriage, but ours are his only children. Funny thing about life-it is TRULY all in your attitude. Some people lament that they had children early because they were "young and dumb", didn't understand life enough to take time to truly appreciate the little things and guide their children properly, that they were just starting out and working so hard that they just worked and missed out on much of their kids' childhood, or that they didn't get to live their own life and can't wait for the kids to grow up so they can retire and try to experience "their own life". Some people lament that they had children late and don't have energy, or patience, or they are tired and just want to relax now in their old age, but now they have to work and plan for the future. Financial responsibilities seem to be an issue to whine about, no matter what age. My dad was pathetic as a dad, and he was very young. All he did was work. He chose work over us 100% of the time. Sure, he bought the expensive softball glove for me, but didn't attend a single game in 6 years, and a neighbor taught me to catch. He is now in his late 50s, remarried, and adopted a girl who is now 6 years old. He thinks this is his chance to get it right and apply all his life lessons that he's gained through the years and redeem himself. As for my husband, he's the best father I've ever met, even though (or because?) he's 51. SURE he gets tired! SURE the boys get on his nerves sometimes! SURE he has concerns about when retirement will come for us. (My plan is that as my youngest starts going to mother's day out, then preschool, etc I'll be taking classes and when the youngest goes starts school I'll start working.....I don't want all the burden on him....I want him to be able to retire when he's 65....I'm a lot younger than he is). But we try our best to get good sleep, we hold family time sacred, and he may not be able to comfortably play soccer with them in a few years, but he is an amazing man to know and he provides input, unconditional love, the gift of just knowing him, teaching them humor, math, paper planes, stories, exciting historical things for guys (real pirates and knights and fighter pilots, etc). They take walks in the woods and explore everything from a rotting log and bugs to animal tracks to whatever. He takes the 3 year old fishing, they love to fly kites and go to highschool football games (though my son thinks it's just for the marching bands at this age). He needs to readjust his attitude, see how special your family is and fall in love with them, and then realize how special HE is and what he has to offer, no matter what his age. Then he needs to think about taking walks around the block or through the park or woods, boys in tow even, for some exercise to keep him young and a chance to have "man talks" as we call it. I have membership to a local gym and my husband just joined up so he can come with me. Time together to improve ourselves, have some fun, and also help him stay in shape so he will have more energy, flexability, and strength. I'd suggest that for your husband, but also I think he could be psyching himself out if he doesn't understand what a special relationship he can have and how valuable he is to their lives.

You asked for stories of other older dads and how they cope with the demands of young children and loss of freedom...

My husband was 47 when our son was born. He's 51 now. Our son has literally saved my husband's life. My formerly active, very fun-loving husband was stuck in a bad job, became very depressed, got much too fat, and was close to having a heart attack. Having our son made him realize that in order to be a dad, he needed to get healthy. Father and son are good buddies now. My son compels my hubby to do a lot of things he wouldn't have ordinarily done, such as taking walks in the woods, going for "adventures," building go-carts, etc. Instead of a loss of freedom, my hubby is having a complete positive rebirth. And he quit his job and lost all the weight!

Like most men, my husband refused to see a therapist. There was no way that I could change his attitude. However, I think that I may have helped change his attitude by simply doing what I thought was right by our son--playing, going outside, playing with neighbor kids, etc. My husband realized that if he wanted to be with our son, he'd have to get off his butt and join us. So he did.

When your husband decides to participates in the young life of his children, he won't be "missing out" on anything. Instead, he WILL participate in the wonderful miracle of the world re-opening through the beautiful, innocent eyes of his very own children.