Older Children and Grandchildren

Pretty much tell her what you just told us...and let her know that these are choices she made, and as a grown woman she must now take responsibilty. Mom to Mom you still have children to raise....and be "done" trying to micro manage her.
You cannot keep enabling her to behave badly. It's time to grow up and be responsible.
I too am the mother to two girls....one about the same age. It's the hardest thing to do....and she will be mad...but once she "gets it" she will be greatful and a better person for it.
Good Luck ..and hugs...

C., I know its not easy and I'm going to give advice in the most polite way that I can because I know you're already stressed to the max.

My mom was in a similar situation to you. My brother and sister are both lacking in parenting skills sometimes and because of this, my mom tends to take over and "help" then feel angry and hurt because she feels taken advantage of. The more she helps, the less they do. She babysits both of their kids, takes them to all their doctor appointments, pick up and drop off for school, meetings with teachers, buys groceries, school supplies, clothing, etc....and on and on and on. The more she does...the more they LET her do. I once asked my brother if his son wanted some strawberry ice cream and he looked at my mom and said "I don't know, does he".

As the person who lives away from home, with my own little ones that I CARE FOR ON MY OWN, and views everything from the outside looking in, I can only tell you that you need to follow your younger childrens' lead and just stop. I know its gonna be hard, because as my mom says, she's doing it for the sake of the grandchid. But you have to realize sooner rather than later that the more you do "for the child's sake" the more your own child will take advantage.

I think the saddest moment for me was when my hubby and I announced that we were expecting our first child, my dad looked at me with a smile and then said to my mom "FINALLY, I'll get to be an ACTUAL grandparent instead of a parent stand in". I only wish my brother and sister had been there to hear it and see how this effects EVERYONE else.

Tell her that now that the father is back to lean on him to take care of her and the baby. She is old enough now to stop mooching. YOU can't take responsibility for her poor judgment (taking this guy back and taking advantage of everyone) but SHE can.

Another thing you cannot do is make adults behave the way you want, you can only control yourself. If your younger children will not help her out, then so be it. That is their issue with her not you. By stepping in you will probably create more trouble. If your parents choose to help her, then so be it. All you can do is let them know how you feel about it and let them be. They are in their 70's, they may be older but they are grown adults and have seen a lot more than you or I. I am pretty sure they can decide how they want to handle it on their own.

In short, do what you think is right for you and communicate that to your daughter and why you have made the decision you have. Let her know that you love her but you need to stick to your guns on this one. Also, let her know that you are stepping out of the decisions everyone else is making. It is between them and her.

Good luck! I am sure it is rough right now.

You did all of the hard parenting stuff. You provided and she didn't have to and I know that seemed like a good thing but ultimately she is giving you her butt to kiss because she can.

Cut off the family aid. Help where you want and when you want but that shouldn't happen at all for at least 8 months to a year.

Stop trying to "help" because your kind of help isn't helping. Encourage your parents to stop "helping" because they aren't helping either. Afford her the opportunity to grow up. She is a grown woman, making grown woman decisions. You don't have to be a spectator to the drama that is her life.

Remember the beauty of being a grandparent is that you can send them home. Have precise plans for your grandchild like the zoo, park, museums, and other outtings but then turn baby over to parents.

She's a grown woman raising her own kids. Let her do that and stay out of it. Continuing to help her is only crippling her. Necessity is the mother of invention, when she realizes that she is responsible for herself and her kids, she will figure it all out and do the right thing. She can't do that if you keep throwing her free money.

Enabling is the worst you can do. If the father is back, then let him deal with everything. I think your other children are on the right track by not helping her out anymore. If you continue to watch the grand kids, then you can do what you want with them, but as far as providing for your daughter and his...whatever, then I wouldn't go there. Felling like your being taken advantage of is not a good feeling, so I would seperate that from your grandkids and concentrate on doing whats best for them.
Good luck!

It sounds like it is time for some tough love. She is an adult, she is obviously in a bad situation but when that happens, adults figure out how to make things better WITHOUT relying on everyone that they know to come to the rescue. Someday she isn't going to have her grandparents and parents to rescue her and then what is she going to do? You need allow her to learn what steps SHE needs to take to correct her situation. It sounds like she has a lot of underlying problems, dependency on others, willingness to put up with a less than desirable b/f just because he is "there"...etc.
I would absolutely tell her grandparents NOT to help her in anyway...it is so easy for the elderly ( and I am not far from that "title" myself!!) to be taken advantage of. I would allow her siblings to decide on their own what they are willing to do as far as helping her....it sounds like they have already made a pretty good decision and removed themselves from the situation.
Then I would firmly CLOSE your own wallet, do not give her any money...none whatsoever...if you want to help the grandbaby...spend time with him, if he needs something basic, shoes, clothing, etc and you can afford to help that take him shopping and buy it for him.She can find help with medical needs, financial support, housing etc through the county and state.
You and your family need to set boundaries and stick to them. Your daughter needs to learn to take care of herself and her child and be able to enjoy the sense of accomplisment and pride that will give her. It won't be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is.

Hi C.,
You are going to need to set some boundaries on how you deal with her so that she doesn't take advantage of you and that she starts to act like a responsible adult. Also please talk to your parents so they are not "bullied" or taken advantage of by your daughter. If you close some doors, she may try to put more pressure on them.
You also have a grandchild here, so I hope you will be able to continue a relationship with her, so you can have a relationship with your grandchild.

iI THINK IT IS ABOUT TIME YOU TELL HER SHE IS A BIG GIRL AND SHE SHE HAS TO LEARN TO DO WHAT A N ADULT LET HER ACT LIKE ONE SHE IS RESONSABLE FOR HER OWN ACTONS

if you said you helped her get back on her feet, then why would she need anymore help?
if she really is back with the father, then he is responsible to be the dad, not you or your family.
Love her and treat her like a daughter, tell your children to love her and treat her like a sister, because thats what she is.
you want the best for her and spoiling her is not the best thing to do.
give her her independence and do it with compassion!
good luck!