Not Seeing Eye to Eye on Children

Is he in High School? College? Part time job is in order, and some chores should be done, get your license or ride a bike. The only one that can teach this boy/young man to be a man is his dad. I mean everything that you have to do for him, make his dad do it. I mean everything from money, shampoo, his laundry, cell phone, razors, tell your step son the rubbish is his chore, if he doesnt do it, it becomes your husbands chore(or what ever chore you pick). Stop doing everything for him, See how long it lasts, I bet your husband will take it seriously then.

Hi there C.,
You are right on. Unfortunately, you telling him that other moms agree with you isn't going to pull much weight with him. I would really recommend seeing some sort of counselor or other party seen as objective by both of you, so your husband can hear it from someone else he respects. Sometimes someone else can tell them the same thing we have been telling them, and all of a sudden they get it. The fact is, your husband is doing your son a tremendous disservice by not requiring responsibility from him. At 18, unless there's a legit. reason for him to not have a license, then he chooses to be stuck somewhere waiting for a ride. And he's certainly old enough to hold down a job and go to school, and contribute to the household expenses through rent. How will he ever make it on his own otherwise?! Your husband needs to see that if he truly loves his son and feels bad for leaving them, as you say, then he will do everything in his power to teach him how to be a man, not enable laziness and dependence. Stick to your guns, but do get some help, because the same old arguments aren't going to get you anywhere. Good luck. Blended families are certainly challenging.

Another MamaSource writer wrote about this about a week or so ago - almost exactly the same problem. I agree with you, but right now the problem isn't the kid, it's the separate philosophies of you and your husband. You are right that it is a guilt thing, and he just doesn't want to be confrontational. It's time for couples therapy because the other kids will grow up seeing this and just emulate that behavior. You MUST find a common ground on expectations. Maybe, for example, you can back off on the find a job/pay rent issue IF he gets up, helps with chores or the other kids, or has some responsibilities. The license might be good if you don't then feel pressured to buy him a car. Maybe an at-school job between classes that can go toward his tuition or give him some spending money. The fact that he's just hanging around may be laziness, or it may be depression. Does he have friends?

If your husband says the son is an adult, then what adult responsibilities does he have? If he is a kid, then he can be given jobs and chores and be "ordered around". He can't have it both ways. The big household and the high activity level means you can't stay on top of one kid all the time - but you and your husband will have problems with this which will grow and come between you, and also affect the other kids. Get your husband to explain how this hands-off policy is actually HELPING his son - is the son happy? Engaged with others? A part of society? Feeling good about HIMSELF? If not, this system isn't working. Good luck.

Hi C.,

Go to your husband in a nonconfrontational way and decide together what is reasonable in regards to rules for his "adult" son. Express your feelings in a way that does not sound judgemental toward either your husband or his son. Be very specific (and reasonable) about what you would like to have for rules in your (your husbands and your) home. This way there will be no confusion. Then let your husband enforce the rules. If he slacks, you can privatley remind him of your agreement.

These situations can be very sticky as you don't want to give the impression of "picking on his children".

Best Wishes,
J. L.

I am not in your situation on any level but here are my thoughts for whatever they are worth. First, I agree with you that he should have responsibilities (taking care of his own laundry, paying rent (even nominal), assigned chores for the community). If he were not living at home, he'd likely be responsible for all aspects of living. Maybe you can help your husband understand that by not holding his son accountable, your husband is doing a disservice to his son. That is, your husband is not creating an environment that supports his son developing the independence and skills necessary to live as an adult in the world in a healthy, secure manner. Children who have had everything done for them are ill-equipped as adults to live independently with success and make sound decisions with confidence. As to your stepson, it sounds like he is unhappy. He may on the outside seem to not care but who knows what he really feels on the inside. Maybe you can find a way with your husband to approach him with the idea of making the three of you a team who sets goals to achieve together, one step at a time. The key to me is to set children up for success at each stage of their lives. Maybe starting small (e.g., laundry or taking out the trash weekly) and then building. Both of you need to be your stepson's cheerleaders while holding him accountable.