Non-religious Funerals?

I have given this some thought. I am religious. I'm lutheran. I want a party! I do not want an open casket, that's just creepy! I have a photo that I want put on the closed casket. I want an open bar with Def Lepard, AC/DC and Aerosmith playing in the background. No Black. My daughter has said she will wear red! Awesome!! =) That's my favorite color! I want my friends to say "OMG, remember when S. did.....". I want a celebration of life.

At my grandfather's funeral, the minister went on and on about "an empty place at Christmas and on" It was depressing! I do NOT want that.
Everyone in the family is aware of my wishes! I have threatened to come back and haunt them if they don't do what I want!!!

So this is what my parents want - a graveside service with some singing and then for us to go have a party! I really like the idea that there is a celebration and not all of the sadness a funeral brings.

I have attended many, many memorial services. The casket was there,flowers.. Sometimes no casket, because the cremation has not taken place or the body has been donated to science. But a collection of photographs is there, Or a video showing a collection of photos.

Usually someone reads a poem, or a passage from a favorite book.

Someone talks about the person and their life. Their memories, etc.

Sometimes live music or a singer will perform,they may ask for others to share a memory or funny story.

Sometimes the deceased has written something they want read to those in attendance.

It can be held anywhere. The funeral home. A home, a garden, an auditorium.

I remember a wonderful friend died of cancer and we all gathered in the center of Austin at the oldest park, we all took blankets, we were told no sad colors should be worn. There was a quartet that played. Then different people spoke about their memories.. It was funny and of course sad, but it was perfect for this friend that loved Austin, was well known, by a large variety of people. But he was not religious, but very thoughtful and kind.

People don't know what a "celebration of life" is (it's such a vague term) and if clear instructions aren't given, then they went with what they knew.

I went to a service, actually of a minister, that was a celebration of life though, and it was lovely. There was a video that showed kind of a story of her life to music, there were people who got up to speak, and nobody wore black. It was springtime so there were "spring colors" that everyone was wearing, and lots of flowers (not the funeral sprays but flowers). There was music, people sang her favorite songs, etc. At my great aunt's funeral, she was getting buried in TX because that's where her family (including husband and daughter) were buried, but she'd lived in MN for over a decade. Because of that, the preacher doing the service pulled us aside (the close family members) and said "I can do a general service for you, but since I honestly don't know anything about her, perhaps some of you can get up and talk?" That night I wrote a few thoughts down: just general key phrases that made us think of her (general enough that it could remind others of their experiences with her instead of just mine...it had everyone laughing out loud, nodding their heads, smiling about who she was), a cousin wrote a pretty poem, one lady (formerly a maid for my great grandma, but in our family our whole lives) said some very deep things (think "The Help" a decade before that book became a sensation) that really made us respect our aunt and proud of her. I think the preacher might have talked for 5 minutes, but that's it. It was one of the best funerals I've ever attended. We all went out to eat afterwards and caught up, laughed, had a great time visiting. Of course we missed her, but the funeral was more about family and I think it was fitting since she was a fun social kind of lady.

I am spiritual and love being a Christian. But I will be cremated (being pumped full of weird chemicals and stuck in a box...that's so unnatural and weird to me), there won't be much of a traditional funeral service for me. I totally don't want people being all uncomfortable and sad and feeling weird which is what happens at so many funerals. (Er...but I hope they're not HAPPY to see me go, lol). I want there to be some lightness, some laughs, remember me for what makes me who I am and celebrate some of the good things I've had in life, ya know? Life is good and should be remembered and celebrated. Don't have anything at the moment (just the wills and important stuff), but I reckon when I start getting older I could slip in something I'd like read (a favorite poem or excerpt of something, probably from Mark Twain or someone like that), what my favorite songs are and why, so that it'd be easier for whoever does a little service for me. I really like the idea of making an album from andvinyly.com where they can make an album (or a couple) with your ashes pressed into it, with either music or a recorded message in your voice, whatever. I think that'd be novel, but have no idea at the moment what mine would be or say. But do remember that a lot of the spiritual, religious, or traditional stuff makes people feel comforted. Whether you're into it or not, do keep in mind that it's a bit about helping the family and friends who are left say goodbye and feel a little comfort, as well as closure, to handle their own loss. In that respect, I think some stuff you see as a "funeral staple" shouldn't be banned, as long as it makes others happy, if that makes sense?

I like the idea that Laurie mentioned about having a service with live music in a park. Or wherever makes sense for the person that has passed on. It should be a little reflection of the person who's deceased instead of just a cookie cutter thing. But again, it's not really fair to expect grieving people to come up with something great unless you leave them some guidance to help them through it, or inspire them, ahead of time ya know? Like something kind of like a will of what you'd like, and arrangements made (like how people purchase plots and stuff ahead of time if it's important to them, so the family doesn't have to handle it). Otherwise, people who are grieving will leave it up to the funeral home or church to handle it, because.....they're trying to handle their emotions, not plans for "whatever". In a perfect world, you'd have time and the right mind enough to plan something great for yourself, as a final goodbye to your friends and family. That's not always the case, but one can hope.

Keep in mind that the funeral isn't for your benefit, it is for those you leave behind. Think about your audience, would they appreciate a church service, or not? (I personally would receive comfort from a traditional service, with prayers and hymns.) Planning a funeral is like planning a party, you try to do what you think will please your guests.

I understand where you are coming from, but as Grammarocks said, the service would be for your survivors. So, it would need to be something meaningful to them. So discuss this with your husband and children to get their input.

Yes I've been to three in the past year. Two where held at a funeral home and the 3rd was at a hall. One of the funeral home ones was for a friend's elderly mother. There was a large framed portrait of the deceased on display with several flower arrangements, plus several display boards of pictures. A small receiving line of family members, and people sitting around chatting. Then a non-denominational officiant gave a short eulogy and that was it.

The other funeral home one was for a woman who had cancer and had been waiting for years to die. She actually put together a slide show with pictures and music that she wanted played and that was the focus of the ceremony. Several people also gave speeches, then we went to a friend's house after.

The last one was for a dad who committed suicide 6 years after his schizophrenic son committed suicide. It was an absolutely tragic circumstance, but the loveliest ceremony. They played the deceased's favorite music and talked about the meaning behind the songs, and many people got up and shared memories. It was a really beautiful ceremony.

While I find tremendous comfort in the ritual of a religious funeral and will probably choose one for myself, I have found that secular ceremonies tend to be more personal and are usually a lovely way to honor the memory of the one who has passed.

Funerals are for the living, so this should be taken into account as well as your wishes. It's a time for the family and friends to come together in their loss. A friend of mine is having a terrible time dealing with her mother's death from cancer, her mother was not religious and wanted no service until the first anniversary of her death, and wished to be cremated immediately after death. The urn containing her ashes is in her daughter's home until her ashes are scattered on the 1st anniversary, my friend cannot move on with her grief or her life.

A non-religious service would not be held in a church, but rather the funeral home or cemetery or someone's home. It would be more of a eulogy-type affair, talking about the person and their life, maybe family and/or friends reading poems or something they'd written, with music played that the deceased liked. If the person has been cremated pictures would be appropriate for display. And, if a person, religious or not, chose to have people donate to a favorite charity or cause instead of sending/bringing flowers, this could be decided beforehand and expressed to family and friends in the obituary.

This is what non-religious services I have attended have been like.

Never been to one that wasn't held in a church and was basically a service.

If I were you, I'd find a poem or a few songs or something that you like. Make it short, simple, sweet, and exactly how you'd want it. Make sure you let everyone know that you don't want a church service.

A funeral can be anything you want it to be, held anywhere you would like.
You can have the memorial service at the funeral home (non religious building!), an eatery, the beach, a park, the grave site, a mausoleum--wherever!

It would make no sense for a non-believer to have their service in a church! I agree.

Songs can be anything meaningful to you. They needn't be religious. Readings/eulogy can include poetry, a blog, a life review, etc.
It could be a roast, telling jokes or their memories of you & your life.

Call a local cemetery or funeral home and ask for a planning guide. You can fill it in to reflect YOUR wishes, so there's no question.

Here's O. idea for a simple non-religious funeral:
http://www.creative-funeral-ideas.com/simple-funeral-prog...

Simply google "non religious funerals" and you'll get a TON of ideas!

hi, I dont think it is morbid. we all have questions about what happens when we pass. anyway, my father, brother and husbands grandmother all had non religios memorieals. what we did was the were creamated, we spread there ashes into the woods. we said a few memories of them in our lives and then let them go, it was very pieceful and was much more of a goodbye then your normal funeral. we can go back on a camping trip if we ever need to feel close, and this way they went back into nature which is the way it should be. what ever is compfortable for you is best for you.

My FIL's funeral was essentially non-denominational. He was a baptized Episcopalian, but the only time he attended church was for weddings and funerals. His sister's service was also non-denominational.

A minister presided over both simply because the funeral home had a contract with this individual, but he did not wear vestments, just a dark suit. At my FIL's service, there was a lot of Elvis music (his favorite), poetry readings (he was a huge Whitman fan) and euologizing by both of his sons. It was very short and designed entirely by my husband and his brother. The minister did read the 23rd Psalm because my MIL wanted it read.

His sister's service was very simple. She was severely disabled and lived in a group home for cognitively impaired adults. It was beautiful and her friends and therapists had a short service that involved instumentals of her favorite song (Somewhere Over the Rainbow), a heartfelt euology from my FIL and her primary care taker and lots of family pictures. We then hosted a luncheon for her fellow residents and our family at the group home.

Write down what you want. I'm serious. My grandfather designed his funeral (religious) right down to "who" would speak and sing (b/c he preferred one soloist over another at his church). If it's in writing, you are far more likely to have a service that reflects how YOU would want folks to remember you. As a family we agreed to follow my grandfather's wishes, right down to the tiniest detail. He would have loved that party!

I've been to some memorial services at funeral homes that have had nothing religious. My mom didn't want anything like that and it wasn't. I found the fineral home to be very accomodating, after all you are paying for their services, they are happy to give you what you want.

My Mom is going to school when she dies.
She's signed up to become a medical cadaver when she passes away.
After 1 year, her remains will be cremated and sent to me and then I can keep her in an urn on the mantle or sprinkle her on the beach.
It will cost nothing.
You don't need a funeral at all.
There are levels in between.
You can have a viewing at a funeral home and then go straight to the grave without any stops to a church on the way.

The expense of a funeral has little to do with the kind of service you have. The expense comes from the embalming, casket, vault, grave and opening the grave, a hairdresser and make-up artist.
I buried my Mom in December and the cost was over $13,000 + $100 for the officient and other costs for the opening of the grave, engraving the headstone, lunchen, ect.

I would go and speak to a funeral director and ask what kind of funeral you can have that does not include any religious untones.

I think its a wonderful question. I have variety of people in my life and the thought of wondering what is going to bring each of them comfort seems odd to me. I brought them comfort, so I would want to do something that represents... me. I have my directions written out with my living will. I am not religious. at. all. and my religious friends know this. Each will find comfort in their own way privately, but my celebration will be about my life.

I worked for hospice for quite a while, been to several services, heard the praise and complaints from family members. Ultimately, the only thing that lasts is love and those in my life love me for me. Dissatisfaction with a service, if directions have been followed, has everything to do with the relationship.

My great Uncle and Aunt are Quakers. I believe thought that for my Uncle's funeral it was a civil funeral ceremony. Many people went up to talk about him, and they played his favorite songs, and said many of his favorite quotes. It was a beautiful service. Full of remembrance and joy.

when my first husband suddenly almost a decade ago, he left no written instructions as to what he wanted in a funeral service so his friends got together and did the service themselves, everyone contributed something to the service and it was unique
K. h.

I've attended memorial services and non-religious funerals at the funeral home. They usually include a eulogy, some words about the deceased, and a reading of some sort, perhaps at the end to wind up without a prayer.

Do Not Weep is a common poem.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Do_not_stand_at_my_grave_and...

For my DH's grandmother, they had a party. She left the money in her will and instructed them to have a party, be happy that she had a long life, and celebrate it. They all dressed in red (because in Chinese tradition red is celebratory and DH's friend suggested it).

Even a religious funeral can have non-religious songs. My great uncle chose a song from his youth to be played at his service. And another friend chose Christmas carols.

I have been to many services that weren't "religious" in nature. When my aunt passed away, we just had a huge gathering in her honor and people shared many funny stories about her. She was truly an eccentric person who loved many people and was loved by many people. She had a very big heart and always tried to help anyone in need. However, she wasn't a religious person in the true sense of the word and it would have been a bit strange to have had a "formal" type service for her. She wouldn't have wanted that.

It's not at all morbid to think of these things. I've had many, many deaths in my family and the services were all different. I think you should make your wishes clear because in the end, the way you want to be celebrated or remembered should be honored, in my opinion. Having worked at a cemetery, it's quite common for families to respect the wishes of the deceased.

Funerals are actually for the people left behind who grieve and sometimes wind up being about what makes THEM feel better. I don't want a huge religious ceremony or ritual either. I don't want any crying. I want people to remember my sense of humor and the small ways I may have touched their lives. I prefer to have a celebration of my life as opposed to a stuffy and regimented service. But, that's just me.

Almost all cemeteries or funeral homes have pre-planning packets in which you can write down the details of what you want, or don't want, that you can complete and keep in a safe place or with a person who will follow your wishes. It's done all the time.

Services can be as different as the people who are having services held for them.

Just make your wishes known.

Best wishes.

I understand what you are saying. However I have always thought that when I pass away I would like my family to do my service in whatever way makes them the most happy. Because they will still be alive and I won't! If it is more comforting for them to sing this song or that, do 5 prayers or just 1...whatever they want. However I can make it easier on them is fine with me. Just something to think about.

However if you feel that you have to put your foot down and want nothing religious at all. Then you need to have what you want planned out so they know what to do and what not to do. So they don't argue about it once you are gone. Like have a someone start with a song. Not a religious song but just one of your favorite sweet or calming songs. There are many pretty ones out there. Then have someone do your eulogy, just the highlights or your life, add a funny story in there too. You could then have someone end with a poem again there are many non religious poems out there. It think a service like that would be very nice. It could give your family comfort but still respect your wishes.