No to 4Th - but Am Preg with 4Th

I'm so sorry you're in this tough situation. However you tell him, it will have to be at a low-stress time for him, without the kids around, when he's not preoccupied about work problems, when he's not expected elsewhere anytime soon. He may likely get angry, especially if he feels he was clear about saying no and thought the topic was closed and that you were responsible for "taking care" and not getting pregnant. So brace yourself for that possible anger and for not getting defensive, so he can say his piece and you can respond calmly.

Try re-reading your own post as if you were a third party: "He said absolutely NO...He never acted...I never took the initiative..." and most importantly now: "My husband has panic-anxiety related depression...."

It sounds as if you and he are not communicating clearly and not heeding and acting on the communications you do have. Please consider lining up marital and communications counseling for you both as soon as you tell him, because especially if he reacts negatively, you will both need to be clearer and more open with each other from this point on, or this pregnancy will be a cause of tremendous stress. (Is counseling easily available to you in this country?) Particularly if he has depression triggered by anxiety, this could be a trigger for him -- does he have a good doctor already in the country where you are, and is he seeing a doctor regularly, taking appropriate medications, etc.? As you tell him and watch his reactions, please consider his mental health, which, especially if you are in this country for his job, could have a huge impact on his ability to work and be a dad. For yourself, you will need a network of personal support--do you have any friends in this country, can you make some through parenting or playgroups or other organizations you can join, etc.?

I don't know if this was much help, but I feel for you and hope it turns out OK when you tell him. His depression complicates the situation not just for him but for your family. Good luck and please do a "what happened" on Mamasource so we can hear how things go.

How blessed you are! Three precious children and another on the way! Congratulations! Plus you have a housekeeper? And a sitter every Saturday night? Wow! Well, to me, it's good news. If your husband has some depression issues, you'll have to determine the best time and place for the news. Then, slide into it. Pick a place that relaxes him. I'd probably wait until after a meal and take a stroll somewhere. Chat about the children, the matter of the 4th, and then say, I know we weren't too sure about having a 4th, but I'm pregnant. Or something like that. If he's angry, remind him that neither of you made plans to permanently stop having children. He wasn't committed enough to get a vasectomy or use birth control, and you weren't committed enough to get birth control. It shouldn't be much of a shock considering you both have three children already. He'll just have to make peace with it. And, if he's seriously upset about having a 4th, maybe he'll get the vasectomy, after all.

Hi C.. First congratulations! Second, I would think b/c no precautions were taken, maybe he isn't to opposed to the idea of a fourth. He knew it was a distinct possiblity that you would get pregnant if no condoms were used. He also knew you were not on birth control, and he opted against the vesectomy. All this sounds to me that he is/was open to a fourth child. I would just tell him. Oh also as a thought maybe the move to another country has him thinking differently. I don't see, given the circumstances of conception, how he could possibly be upset. I hope this helps some and good luck!

I would hire a babysitter and either cook him a nice dinner at home or take him to a special dinner out and then tell him that it is just as a surprise to you but that you are willing to tackle it if he is and that you love him and your new baby and that you hope he is on board for the challenge. I would also hire the extra help and possibly even a live in nanny. Most people living in some countries where help is inexpensive always employ live in help. That way, you can be free to give your hubby some undivided attention when he arrives home after work. Work out solutions to the isse before you discuss it so they he only has to accept the challenge and does not have to stress over the details. Best of luck to you and I hope you have a grand adventure living aboad. I suggest that you return to the US to deliver your baby...just in case he or she wants to be president some day....you never know. That is what I plan to do if I move overseas next year and get pregnant.

I got pregnant with my second after my husband said NO MORE - several times (he has two from a previous marriage and just turned 40 this year). I was SO scared to tell him. He's a big teddy bear at heart, I think because he loves Abigail (born April 2008). OK - so, he's said NO to a 5th...

I had TERRIBLE indigestion on our vacation and took a test while we were at the condo. When we got home, I emailed him, "I don't think it's indigestion anymore..." and he immediately called me and said he was having a stupid day and didn't understand. (He knew). He said he wasn't mad - and I think he almost started to cry. I know he tears up at delivery.

I don't know how my life experience can help you - these things just...happen sometimes. Good Luck.

Maybe...if you created him a "get-away" room in the house where there was no chaos??? (I know mom's need them, too) - but somewhere where he could step back from it all to avoid the depression? Maybe fill it with happy pictures of the kids? Positive colors? Like a "pretend you're on vacation" room? (You could even share)...

Congratulations!

If your husband were really opposed to having another child he would have taken some initiative. He knew that you weren't using birth control.

Lots of children are "unplanned," but it hardly makes them unwanted.