New School, No One to Eat Lunch With

I had to start at a new school twice the first year of middle school. We moved twice...it sucked to no end. Yes, you have no one to sit with for a while. I think by the end of the year I was starting to get some real friends...barely. Then the next year was fine. Just tell her to be herself, join a club or two, be friendly to others, and with time she will find friends that she likes.

When my daughter started a new school, I encouraged her to approach someone and just tell them that she is new to the school and ask if she can sit with them at lunch. I think the key is to do this before your daughter actually gets to the lunchroom. Maybe she can make a plan with someone in one of her classes or even someone close to her locker to meet at a certain spot before entering the cafeteria. If she waits until lunchtime, it will probably be overwhelming and kids are too focused on their own time to realize someone is eating alone. And it is also very awkward to approach an entire table of girls and ask to sit with them...that's even hard for adults!

Eating lunch by yourself isn't the end of the world either, even in middle school. She needs to learn how to be friendly. I agree with others who said she should initiate contact with someone before lunchtime.

I know what it is like being a new student, I know what it is like to have lunch alone and be lonely. I also know what it is like to have lunch alone and be okay with it.

You can help her by encouraging her to be the best she can be.and to work this out by trying different strategies.

the best advice i can give you on this is to let your daughter figure this out on her own without your helicoptering it. She will make friends. At her age she should be able to work this out. The only suggestion I would make is that she walk to the lunch room with someone. the whole she needs a best friend thing is overrated. it creates drama where it doesn't need to be.

one of the hardest things to watch our kids navigate, isn't it?
i don't think i had a shy moment in elementary school, but by the time i hit the tweens i'd rather have burned myself with a cigarette lighter than approach an established group on my own. i still find it difficult.
this is one of the best places to use role-playing. not just for walking up to a group in the lunch room, but maybe scoping it out in advance. sometimes it just starts with a smile. if the other kid smiles back, a few friendly words. present her with some different scenarios (in the lunch line, at the lockers, opening a conversation with the kid in the next seat) and run through some possible ways of breaking the ice.
but don't overdo it. too much rehearsal will make her feel and sound rehearsed. you just want to give her a few go-to tools, and empower her to navigate the touchy waters of finding friends.
i don't think it's a bad thing either to have a teacher give some gentle assistance. but if she can do it on her own- wow, that's SUCH a psychic boost!
good luck, mama.
khairete
S.

Could a teacher intervene?
O. teacher called me to get the ok to enlist my son as a "buddy" for a very shy kid in his class. He would just say "hey, wanna sit with me at lunch?" Or "hey, shoot hoops with us!" Worked out very well.

It can be very difficult. My daughter is extremely shy and has sat many times on her own. I think this summer did it, she doesn't seem to be shy anymore. I haven't heard anything about a bad lunch like in the past.

Is she too shy to meet new people? Kids who are occupied, don't think to invite the new kid. Can you work on that if that is the case. We started making our daughter do things like order her own food, make a purchase, or ask for the restroom if she needed it.

It's so hard to let our kids go on their own, and encourage them to reach out. But at this age, you have to.

Brainstorm some conversation starters - how did you do on the test, did you understand what that teacher was talking about, when is the homework due, what day do we have Library…but try to make them more open-ended (not yes/no answers). There's also the slightly risky question of "May I join you for lunch?" or "Is anyone sitting here?" or "Can I play?" Yes, there's a chance for rejection, but maybe she'll be welcomed (and if she isn't, she'll learn that that group is not worth pursuing.

The other thing is to look around - who else is sitting alone in the lunch room, or scanning the room on arrival looking for a place to sit. Seek out those kids - they're in the same boat your daughter is. One thing a lot of kids do at this age is only see things from their own vantage point: I'M unsure, I'M alone, I'M nervous. One way to get a friend is to BE one.

She'll also find friends in time - teaching a child patience, along with their own responsibility in making gestures, is critical at this age. In fact, she's got to learn to go directly to her teachers for help on different subjects rather than having Mom and Dad do that for her. Middle School is when there is an increased expectation that kids will shoulder some of that burden (and freedom!) themselves. Teachers are also an important link for kids socially - so it's okay to go up to a teacher she feels a connection with and say, "You know, I'm having trouble breaking into the social scene. Is there anyone in the class that you think would be a good match for me or who needs a buddy?"

But I agree with others that you shouldn't over-rehearse this. Kids at this age are so self-conscious in some ways, it doesn't help if they feel they have to play a role and say exactly the right lines they practiced at home. And one of the hardest things for a parent is to back off, give the kid some confidence in her own ability, and let her work it out on her own.

I think you just need to tell her to give it time. It's only been a few days. In addition, you should suggest that she try initiating sitting with someone or with another group. Middle school kids generally respect boldness.

I would encourage her to find someone in her class before lunch and join them. Or go to a table and start a conversation. It can be VERY hard at that age, but it's what she needs to do. The whole year won't be rough, but if it's been a couple of weeks she might try opening up more.

I hope it goes better for her!

Hi...not sure what grade in middle school she is in, but sounds like maybe 7th or 8th? If this is the case, then a lot of the kids from 6th probably know each other and may have their little groups. So...my suggestion is that there are bound to be some other new kids who don't know anyone. Can she keep her eyes and ears open and maybe gravitate towards them? They are going through the same anxious feelings, too, I bet. And if she is in 6th grade then there are a lot of kids feeling out the new school and in the same boat. I agree, to not make a huge issue and give it time. When she starts making her electives, too, she will be meeting people that will have the same interests as she does (and remind her of that). Try to relax and enjoy the year. :)

It's a tough age. I started a new school in 6th grade in a school where the kids started in 5th and struggled through that year, but by the next one it worked out. She needs to try to find likeminded kids, but it may take a while to figure out where she fits. I suggest she look for a space at the end of a table where the kids are at least friendly and see how that goes. I accidentally picked the "mean girl" table, so they would do things like put my books on the floor. She may also want to bring a book so that she has something to do if she doesn't play on a playground or have people to talk to. If she meets a kid in class that she likes talking to, she could say, "You know, I haven't yet figured out who to sit with at lunch - can I sit with you today?" That way it's a one-day thing if it doesn't really work out.

ETA: I agree that she needs to figure it out and the BFF thing from last year was a nice surprise. This year she may not find a BFF but she can still find friends.

I think it would depend on the child and their personality. Some kids can go right up to people and ask "Ok if I sit with you?" and others would find that very awkward.

When mine are trying new things and don't know people, we generally just tell them to be themselves and be open to meeting people. They get that means smile and be friendly - even though they are shy, they know they need to say "hello" and be open to chit chat with new people. That usually gets the ball rolling.

Mine would not really be good at going up to a group or someone they've never spoken to and asking if they could have lunch with them. But if they'd talked to them in class and the classmate was friendly, they probably could ask if they could join them at lunch.

It's great when it happens right off, but it's not always the case. It won't be forever. If there are some other new kids or there are other kids with friends in other classes that seem to be eating alone, they might be easier to get to know and have lunch with.

Remind her too - everyone goes through this at some point and there are likely other kids going through same thing - very typical for starting at new school.

Good luck to her :)

I would contact the guidance counselor or one of her teachers. Ask if they can give her a lunch buddy.

Maybe mention it to her teacher and see if they can help her meet someone else who may be by themselves or struggling. Or send her to school with 4 candy bars and have her hand them out at lunch...instant friends to sit with! lol Good luck!