This is a little complicated (to me anyway) so I'll try to be clear and to the point.
Obviously I LOVE LOVE my daughter more than anything in the world. I've been single for almost 2 years so she has been used to it being "all about her" - she sees her Dad often and they have a good relationship - she sees him 1-2 times per week plus every other weekend, extra time in the summer & holidays. He's married and they have another daughter so she is used to the family vibe over there I guess.
So, I've had a new boyfriend for almost 4 months. He's my brother in laws best friend, so we've "known" him for a while. My boyfriend has only stayed over 1 weekend when my daughter was home, but we've hung out with him during the day and what not a few times. My daughter is sooooo jealous. When he's not there, she wants to play with her friends, she'll go in her room on her own.....But when he's there she tells me I am not paying attention to her, etc. I am making a concentrated effort to specifically NOT do that. I know her feelings are her feelings but what else can I do?
My daughter is almost 9. She is the most important thing in my life. But, she cannot be EVERYTHING in my life. I need some adult companionship! lol - when he is around , how can I make my daughter be ok and act normal? And, why doesn't she act like this at her Dads?
Anyone have any advice for me? Or been through the same situation?
Thanks!!!
I'm in the same situation so it will be nice to read some of the responses. But I have a son (8 years old), and he likes the guy that I'm dating because the guy makes my son the priority and does things with him and includes him in everything we do. But my son is very protective towards his Momma and he is a little more clingy but he seems to be adjusting well. Plus we asked my son his thoughts on the dating stuff.
How about get a sitter and/or date your boyfriend while she is at her dad's house? And keep your daughter separate from your dating life?
Its doesnt sound like shes ready for this. 4 months isnt very long. If its bothering her, I would just spend time with your BF while your daughter is at her dads. Its only been 4 months, I dont think there is a need to upset her unless this relationship is really serious.
I would sit down and talk to her about it. Not just once, but several times after to see if she has any other thoughts, or if she has seen any improvement and for you to give her your thoughts of what she is doing and how she can make improvements. It is two sided, not just something you have to fix on your own. I believe that talking to her will empower her to have an opinion, but not make the decisions. I hope this helps.
She probably doesn't like that he is coming to "her" house. It would probably be better if you did things outside the home for awhile while she adjusts. But I have to agree that 4 months is too early to introduce someone to her that you're dating. And he should not ever spend the night in your home while she is there. You can do that when she's at her dad's.
My younger daughter is almost 14 and I've been engaged to my fiance for two years (been divorced for 7) and we are not probably going to get married until she is out of the house. I work with him and we do things as a family, but he doesn't spend the night in my home when she is there. It's just easier on her. I know she could adjust... people tell me that all the time. But she's done enough adjusting in my opinion and I'm going to wait. I think you should slow it down a bit because obviously your daughter can't handle it right now.
My daughter adjusted to her father being remarried, but I think that's because she doesn't live with him. She is able to share him, but would have a hard time sharing me I think.
I'm the child of divorce and my mother was a serial dater. It was not pleasant. We felt we did not come first (sis and I). We HAD to go to our dad's on the weekend so she could have "her" time. I know you're not thinking the same way, but this is what kids can pick up sometimes.
It's too soon to involve him in her life as your boyfriend. She's not ready. And she may be used to the vibe at daddy's, but she has to share daddy with the "new" family, and now she's going to have to "share" mommy. Of course she's jealous. She feels like she might lose your attention as well. You can't make her be OK or act "normal". The situation isn't normal.
Dating with kids is so different than just dating. Every relationship you have now involves 3 people, you/daughter and the guy. The guys have to know this going in.
If you just want to have fun and not get married, then don't introduce the guys AT ALL. Emotional pain all around if you do. If you DO want to get married, wait till you're both feeling serious before starting the "family bonding" track. It sucks to like the boyfriend, and then go through the breakup, because the adult is NOT the only person breaking up with the man, the kid goes through it too. It's hard.
If he's a keeper, and you want to keep him, he'll understand, especially if he's a friend of the family. If he's selfish about it, cut him loose.
Good luck!
OMG As soon as i read your post i knew you would get all sorts of negative responses and for that I am sorry people are so quick to tell you what you are doing is not right..blah blah. anyway i am divorced and both my ex and I are in new relationships and are living with our SO. I think its great that you have found someone new! Good for you! everyone deserves to be in a loving relationship and i feel it's important for kids to see that.
I think it maybe will be harder on your daughter because she is an only child, she is used to having you whenever she wants. I think you need to talk to your daughter about this- ask her how she feels and tell her that she is your number one but when she is not around you sometimes need to hang out with adults and this adult you like very much and you would like to spend time together with the two people you like the most. See what she says.
And I think you are just going to have to go slow at this point. Maybe he can make a special effort with her also to try to build their relationship. My SO always says that he chose me and I came as a package deal and he knew that. It isn't always easy.. but for me it's been very worth it! Good luck.
I would see him only when she is with her Dad for a while. In the mean time start talking to you daughter about what it's like to be a family at her Dad's house. "Is daddy, new wife, baby happy?" Tell her that she is the most important person in your life, but just as she likes to spend time with her friends, you like to spend time with your friends and one of them is _______, who she knows.
If your relationship with this man becomes more serious and he is ready to commit, then bring him back into your daughter's life.
Blessings.....
She is old enough to sit down and have a talk with her. I would just explain that you and her dad are not married anymore, he has found someone else and they are happy together and you would like to have that again. You have met someone nice and you understand that she liked it to be just the two of you but that you would like to share your life with someone because when she is 18 she will have her own life and you would like someone to be your partner for the rest of your life. In AZ its required to take parenting classes when you divorce. They tell you no matter how old your kids are when you divorce (even over 20) that they will always want their parents back together. I think you just need to be honest with her and hope that she talks to you about her feelings so you can get it out in the open and address it. Good luck.
maybe when he comes over, order pizza or make a homemade dinner with all of you together, watch a movie all together or have a "family" game night. make sure you include her( which it sounds like you are), or let her choose something for the 3 of you to do together (within reason) and do it. that way she will hopefully feel like you don't want just alone time with him, you want it with both of you. i've always felt that it would be unbelievably hard for a woman to date after divorce or being a single parent and then just start dating after not having been. the child is your main focus for so long, they don't know how to adjust when you want to do things for yourself. i think that she is ok with her dads relationship because, while she sees him often, it doesn't really affect her, because she lives with you, and is only over there every other weekend for 2 days. it's like she's at a friends house for a sleepover. with you it's different. she has this guy that she "knows" and he's invading her space. she feels like she is being replaced and i'm sure that's hard for a 9 yo, who isn't too mature, to deal with.
